Bishop Takes the Queen Ch. 03

He was surprised at how disappointed he was when the courtyard was empty. Still, he crept through the building and down the hall, pausing when he found a note taped to his door with his name on it. His hand shook as he peeled the scotch-taped note card off his door. The handwriting was tidy and masculine.

He forced himself to open the envelope and pull out the card, but he wimped out at the last second. Clutching the card to his chest, he opened his door and stepped inside, then slammed it harder than necessary behind himself.

He was being stupid, he knew it, but it didn't matter. He flicked the light switch and his floor lamp turned on. His hands were shaking as he forced himself to take the card out. There was something on the ground under his shoes and he jumped on the distraction, eager to delay reading the card in his hand.

Kneeling down, he found two more cards just like the one in his hand, his name written in the same tidy handwriting. They must've been slipped under his door at some point during his self-imposed sabbatical.

He closed his eyes, sucked in a deep breath, then read the card in his hands.

'D'metrius,

Please come talk to me when you get this. I want to apologize in person, how I reacted was wrong. I took advantage of you, and I regret it deeply.

I'm worried about you,

Carlin Bishop'

It wasn't fair how much that stupid, short card had him feeling. Carlin wasn't in the wrong, he was. He'd gotten stupid, then overreacted. He'd made an idiot of himself. Carlin hadn't done anything wrong. He picked up the other letters. They said the same thing, mostly, but the one on top, it appeared to be the newest, had Carlin's phone number, and asked him to call at any time.

He threw his bag down and was out the door in the next breath, somehow at Carlin's door with his heart pounding hard. The second after he knocked he regretted it and tried to run back to his apartment, but his legs were suddenly made of solid, unbendable wood. He felt like a deer in headlights, able to see his upcoming demise but unable to prevent it. Holding his breath, he prayed that Carlin wasn't home.

But, he also longed for Carlin to be home. He couldn't stand the discordant emotions, couldn't stand himself, but he also couldn't stop.

The door opened and his heart stopped. "Oh thank god, D," Carlin said, opening the door wide. He stepped closer, then stopped, obviously holding himself back. The look of concern on his face was too much to bear. "Seriously, where have you been? I thought... You know, after-"

"It wasn't you," he squeaked, hating that he sounded weak. "You, the letter. The reason, like, I just, it wasn't you, okay? It was me. That's all I wanted to say. It was me, not you." He turned around his legs now feeling more like pudding than wood.

A strong fist closed over his bicep and he froze completely, his body trained not to resist in situations like this. It filled him with shame, but he was too messed up, didn't know how to react, how not to overreact, so he just stayed. Carlin's hand was gone in the next second, but he still couldn't move, the animal part of him ready to bolt but also too afraid to move at all.

"Oh, shit. D'metrius, hey, hey, shh," Carlin said, speaking softly. "Hey, hey, I won't touch you, I promise. It's okay."

A tear rolled down his cheek and he hated himself even more for being so weak in front of the last person he wanted to see him like this. He shook his head, and, as if he had needed to hear Carlin's voice to unlock his muscles, pulled his arm close to his body and rubbed where Carlin had touched him. "It's fine," he mumbled, moving towards his own apartment, the only safe place right now.

Or, he tried, but instead his legs turned to jelly and he tripped, catching himself on the wall. "D'metrius," Carlin said, his tone still quiet, but this time there was a bit of a command to it, too. "Stop, please."

"I just wanna go home," he sobbed, unable to stop the flood of tears.

Carlin approached him, his hands out where D'metrius could see them. "Hey," he said, his tone soothing. "Hey. Baby, I don't think you should be alone right now. Who hurt you like this?"

Carlin calling him baby in such a sweet, tender way broke him. He sank to his knees and cried in earnest, trying his best to stifle the sound by burying his face in his arms, and then sitting down and burying his face into his knees, wrapping his arms around them and pulling tight until he was as little of a ball as he could get.

"D, baby, please, can I touch you?" Carlin asked, so close he could smell his enticing, masculine scent. It smelled like beard oil. He nodded, unable to speak with how hard he was crying, how embarrassed he was. Carlin touched his shoulder and he flinched, he couldn't help it.

"S-sorry," he moaned.

"Hush," Carlin soothed. "I'm going to put my hand on your shoulder, okay?" He nodded. Carlin's warm, strong hand was a steady, comforting weight on his left shoulder. "Now the other shoulder, okay?" He nodded again. "You're doing so good."

He cried harder. He was doing terrible, everything was falling apart and it was all his stupid fault, it always had been, and it always would be. "Nu-huh," he gasped.

"You are," Carlin insisted. "Shh, it's okay now. I wanna help you stand up, I wanna take you inside and help you calm down. Should I take you to your apartment?"

He shook his head violently. "No, Z-zion... I can't," he sobbed.

"Why not?" Carlin asked, his hands now lifting him up off the ground. "There you go, get your feet under you, that's the way."

"Don't want y-you to s-see me l-like this," he cried. "Please no."

"Okay, okay. Sure. Can, is it okay if we go to my apartment then? I promise you'll be safe." Carlin was now semi-propping him up and he finally found his balance and stood up, but he swayed the second Carlin let go, which just had him wrapping those powerful hands around his bicep. It felt different this time, and instead of freezing him up it freed him from his fear.

He couldn't speak, couldn't catch his breath from the crying, so he just nodded. "You sure?" Carlin asked again. "Are you sure you don't want me to take you home? I want to help you feel as comfortable as possible, and if it involves me leaving and calling one of your friends I will do it now, all you have to do is tell me."

He shook his head. "Your place," he whispered, trying his best not to stutter with his sobs.

"Okay, baby. Thank you for trusting me," Carlin said, and D'metrius knew he meant it. He gently guided D'metrius into his apartment and shut the door quietly behind them.

He'd been worried he'd feel trapped, but he felt safer than he'd felt in weeks behind Carlin's closed door. Carlin led him to the couch again, the same one where he'd kissed Carlin and ruined everything. He cringed and Carlin steered him away from it, then seated him in the oversized armchair again.

"Sorry, sorry," he said, sniffling then wiping his face on his sleeve. He was a hot mess. How could anyone love him? He curled up into a ball and buried his face into the cushion.

Carlin stayed close, but he didn't touch him, and he was grateful for it. "No need to be sorry. Who did this to you, D? Was it me? Did I-"

"No!" he barked, then hid his face again. "You didn't do anything!"

"If it was me-"

"It wasn't!" he insisted. He pulled his face from the couch and looked at Carlin, determined to prove Carlin's innocence. "Not you." The look of worry on Carlin's face had him hiding in the cushions again.

"Okay. Okay." He heard movement but couldn't bring himself to look. "I'm gonna make you some tea, and I've got tissues in the other room. Please stay. Don't leave, okay? Promise me?"

"I won't," he whispered. Carlin must have heard it because he didn't say anything else. D'metrius heard him moving around in the kitchen and it gave him time to collect himself enough to separate from the cushions and sit properly in the chair, although he drew his knees up to his chest again. It made him feel more together, as if holding his body together would help hold the rest of him, too.

Carlin gave him space, but made enough noise to let him know he was close if needed. After a few minutes he returned with a box of tissues, deposited them on the table, then fetched two steaming black mugs.

He put one on the coffee table in front of D'metrius, not even bothering with the coasters nearby. "Gonna ruin your table," he noted, as it was easier than addressing what had just happened.

"D, I could literally care less about damaging the table right now," Carlin said, firmly, but not unkindly. "I'm worried about you."

He reached out for the mug and picked it up, cradling it in his hands, the warmth grounding him. He hid his face in the steam and breathed deep. The smell of lemon and black tea filled his head, then he slowly exhaled, blowing the top of the tea and studying the wake. He didn't know what to say.

"Can I get you anything else, D?"

He shook his head. "Please don't call me that," he said when he could speak without gasping.

"Sorry, I'm sorry," Carlin apologized. "I won't, I didn't mean to take advantage of you."

"You didn't," he insisted. "It's just, it's too close." He didn't expound, couldn't open up.

"Who hurt you, D'metrius?" Carlin asked again, his tone calmer than it had been so far.

He shook his head. "No one."

"Bullshit," Carlin said. He wasn't upset, didn't snap, didn't growl or say it with any type of aggression, just stated it as the fact it was. "What's his name?"

"How'd you know?" he whispered, feeling more than naked.

Carlin sighed. "If you're not ready to talk about it, we don't have to talk about it. I'm sorry, I got a little emotional there. It's easier when it's someone else, when I don't care about them as much as I do you."

He had to bite his cheek to keep those words from starting another crying fit. "No one could ever love me, Curly." He chuckled at himself, the nickname thing had slipped out somehow even when he wasn't trying.

Carlin sighed. "Did he tell you that? Your ex?"

D'metrius looked up sharply, then hid behind his tea again with a curt nod. "He wasn't wrong."

"He's a hundred thousand percent wrong," Carlin declared. "I care about you, a lot. It wouldn't be fair of me to say I loved you, we aren't there yet, but I care deeply about you. I swear it."

"Why?" he almost-sobbed. "I'm not worth it."

"Oh, baby, that's not true," Carlin insisted. "You deserve to be loved, you do. You're worth it."

The compassion in his voice had D'metrius looking up again. He needed what Carlin was offering, or what he hoped Carlin was offering him. "Can I..."

"Anything, baby," Carlin agreed with so much sincerity it made his chest hurt.

"Can I sit by you?" he asked, putting himself out there completely, everything on the table.

"Of course," Carlin said. "I want you to sit wherever you feel the safest."

D'metrius put the mug down on the table and instantly missed the comforting warmth in his hands, then pushed himself up. He stumbled and nearly fell, his legs still poorly set pudding, but Carlin's hands caught him and steered him onto the couch. He scooted away once he got D'metrius settled, and the courtesy of the action had D'metrius craving more.

"Can..."

"Anything, D'metrius. I already told you. Anything you need."

"Will you..." Why was it so hard to ask for what he needed?

"Baby, D'metrius, can I touch you?" Carlin asked. "I want to comfort you so much."

He threw himself into Carlin's arms. Carlin was surprised, but recovered quickly, his strong arms wrapping around D'metrius like the best weighted blanket in the world. He was crying in the next second. Carlin pulled him close and held him, one hand slowly rubbing up and down his back.

"Hey, hey, baby, hey," Carlin cooed into his ear. "It's okay, I promise you're safe here."

"I know," he gasped between sobs. "I know."

"Shh, shh, you're gonna be okay." Carlin was rocking very slightly, D'metrius didn't even think he knew he was doing it. He whispered comfort into D'metrius's ear, rubbing his back and rocking him until he calmed down again.

Once he could breath he felt Carlin's arms relax a little, but he wasn't ready to leave. He hugged Carlin, burying his face in his shoulder, breathing in his masculine scent. "How'd you know?"

"Hmm?" Carlin asked. "How'd I know you had an abusive ex?" D'metrius nodded. "I have training in how to spot abuse in kids. I can tell when kids have a rough home life, and I've made it a mission of mine to support them, give them a place they feel safe. I didn't know before, I mean, I had a feeling you had something going on, but until you reacted how you did when I grabbed your arm tonight I didn't know what."

D'metrius took a moment to collect himself, and just allowed himself to be in Carlin's arms. He felt safe, and even though he knew it wouldn't last forever, he wanted it to last a little longer. "I'm sorry."

Carlin sniffed. "Never be sorry for that, D'metrius. Never. You didn't do anything wrong."

"I did," he insisted. "I stayed. I deserved it."

"I know you feel like you deserved it, because he told you that you did. He told you that no one could love you but him, right?"

D'metrius swallowed hard, the truth too raw for him to hide. "Yeah."

"Did he cut you off from your friends and family?" Carlin said, rubbing his back again. D'metrius nodded and Carlin tensed.

"My family disowned me. He'd tell me what to do, wouldn't let me do stuff without him, made me stay at home. Shit like that."

Carlin's fingers clenched. He took a deep breath, then resumed the gentle caresses. "Did he hurt you?" D'metrius flinched. "He hit you?" D'metrius nodded. "Oh, baby, I'm so sorry."

Carlin hugged him tight and rocked him. "Why?" he asked into Carlin's broad shoulder.

"Why what? Why am I sorry that he hurt you?" Carlin asked. "I'm sorry because you don't deserve that, you never deserved that."

D'metrius had to hold his breath again or else he'd cry for a third time, and he didn't know if he could, his face felt tight and painful from his first two bouts. Carlin didn't say anything, just held him tight, and he was more thankful than he could express.

"Can you tell me about him?" Carlin asked eventually. "You don't have to, if you're not ready, or you don't feel comfortable." D'metrius battled internally about what to say, took too long. "Hey, don't stress about it. You don't have to talk about it, it's okay."

"His name is Alex. I still dream about him sometimes. I'm always worried I'm gonna run into him every time I go out without someone, or not as Zion."

Carlin shifted and he pulled back. "No, no, my leg was falling asleep, I just need to re-adjust. Come here, D'metrius, I'm not done holding you."

He didn't even fight it, he cuddled into Carlin's side. Carlin wrapped him up in his arms again and he sighed in contentment. "Thank you," he whispered.

"Tell me about it, baby. Talk to me, it'll make you feel better."

He shook his head. "Don't know about that," he dismissed. "But..." He sighed. "He's a year older than me, went to the same high school as me and my friend Dean. Played soccer together, I made varsity in my junior year. He was so nice to me in the beginning, Carlin. I always knew I was gay all the way from when I was really little, but my mama just explained it away cause I was the youngest, that I was soft.

"He was my first everything. God, this's so embarrassing, I was so stupid, but he made me feel special. I used to jerk off in the bathroom before practice so I wouldn't get a boner when we showered afterwards. He caught me, but, like, it was... He made it seem okay. There were all the warning signs, Carlin, even from the beginning, but I was too stupid to see them."

"You weren't stupid," Carlin dismissed. "You were young, and alone. That's not stupid, it's the unfortunate world we live in, and being gay... It's twice as hard."

He nodded into Carlin's shoulder, then moved so that he was sitting next to Carlin but also still in his arms. "I don't think he loved me, he always told me that no one could love me, and that I was lucky he took care of me. That not even my own mama loved me, and he was right..." He had to hold his breath again, or he wasn't gonna make it through the story.

"Oh, baby, what a terrible thing to say." Carlin leaned in and kissed his temple, then pulled back, looking worried. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean, I'm sorry if that made you uncomfortable."

He looked down into his lap. "It was nice," he admitted.

"Tell me, I'm one hundred percent serious, you tell me if you are uncomfortable in any way at all Promise me, D'metrius."

"Okay," he agreed, his voice tight. He took a few breaths before he continued. "He used to call me Didi. We never hung out with his friends, or mine, only alone. He wouldn't talk to me in school, but he sure as hell called me whenever he wanted a blowjob. He didn't touch me, didn't ever reciprocate, but he sure as shit trained me and fucked me. I was his dirty little secret.

"I finally worked up the courage to tell my mama, he told me to do it, made it seem like it was a good idea. Like I was ready. I bet you could guess, It didn't go well.

"Dropped out of college, moved in with him."

"All at his suggestion?" Carlin asked.

He nodded, pursing his lips. "Stop rushing the story. After all that, I didn't have anywhere else to go, but to him. I dunno. All of it, just it all added up. And I don't even know if he manipulated me on purpose or if he was just, I dunno. "

He was trembling, and paused his words, not wanted Carlin to hear his voice waiver, which was dumb because he could feel his body shaking. Carlin kissed his temple again, rocking him gently. "It's okay, baby. Take your time."

"I'm sorry," he apologized again. "I'm wasting your time."

"Nonsense," Carlin growled. "Never say that again. You are not a waste of time, and you'll never be a waste of my time. Never."

He was momentarily speechless at the conviction in Carlin's tone. He didn't know what to say to that, so he continued his story. "He got real controlling after that, I mean, more than before. It started slow, just him telling me no one could love me, keeping me from seeing my friends or going to school. Eventually he started yelling at me, then hitting me, then he'd apologize and be so sweet to me for a while, then it would start again, telling me what shit I am, yelling at me, then the hitting, telling me he was doing it for me the whole time. Wash, rinse, and repeat."

"What finally changed?" Carlin asked. He leaned forward, one arm still firmly wrapped around him, then reached for D'metrius's tea and handed it to him before picking up his own. D'metrius sipped it eagerly, his throat suddenly raw.

"I met my friend Jimmy. He's a nurse, worked in the ER when I..."

"He's the other Queen?" Carlin asked.

"You're way too perceptive," D'metrius complained.

Carlin shrugged, then sipped his tea. "Part of my charm, I'm sure."

D'metrius snorted, feeling stronger now that he had the tea, and was in Carlin's arms. "I can't even remember what I did, why I went out, but Alex told me not to and I did. I was washing dishes and he came home and started yelling, then he punched my head into the faucet, gave me a black eye. I had a knife in my hand at the time, cut myself super deep."

He had to take three breaths before he could speak again. Carlin waited for him, holding him close. "He took me into the ER, screamed at me in the car how I did this on purpose to get him in trouble. Told me he'd kill me if I told them he hit me. When we got there he wouldn't let me talk, kept interrupting the woman checking me in.

"Best thing to ever happen to me, when she made him stay in the lobby. He screamed up a storm and she called a security guard." He laughed, sad and watery. "He sat his ass down right quick after that. Jimmy was my nurse, he knew right away. I was so afraid, Carlin. He said he'd kill me. But, you don't know Jimmy. He has this way, l guess like you, of getting you to talk to him without trying."