Bittersweet Irish Cream Ch. 08

"The what?" Jack asked.

Ethan said slowly, "Mat-ta-wam-ke-ag. A beautiful river that ends in a lake surrounded by pine trees. And I thought, this is it. This is where I would raise my son. I stayed there in a cabin for the next three days, cold as shit, but it was quiet. And it was going to be mine and EJ's. I didn't answer the phone for anyone except for AJ, he was the only one who knew where I was. It's not like my dad called his disappointment of a son anyway.

"Then on day four, December 2, AJ said Ma was calling the Feds if I don't start making my way back home. So I started slowly making my way back, stopped at a bunch of small towns, spend some nights at a couple of small hotels and B&B's. That's what gave me the idea to own one, you know, a nice quiet life.

"Anyway by the 6th that ice storm hit and I was driving through snow and sleet and I was just about two hours from home but I couldn't see shit, and I was in no rush to get home anyway. So I put on my GPS and found the closest place to sleep and it was McKinley's Inn. So I stopped there and it was like one other person in the entire motel and McKinley at the front desk. But he warmed up some clam chowder and we got to talking. He's a really nice guy I'm sure you know, has a wise old grandfatherly way about him.

"Anyway we got to talking and I found myself opening up to him, told him about the fight I had with my dad. And he says this to me: When a father berates his son about how he's ashamed or disappointed in him, what he's really saying is that he's ashamed and disappointed in himself. Because when you're kid does well, it makes you feel like all this parenting shit is worth it. But when they're fucking up, it's like damn, where did I go wrong?

"So basically he said what my dad said was less about me and more about him. And it's not my job to help him figure that shit out, his insecurities about being a parent, it's my job to be a functioning, responsible adult. And then he says, But parenting is hard, and I will learn that soon with my own son. He raised three girls and he always made mistakes with them. He was estranged with the oldest for a long time and she recently reached back out to him, they have been building their relationship for the last year.

"He said, 'Parenting is hard, and no matter how old they are, you will always feel like they are your responsibility to raise up right. And when they are hurting, or making mistakes you feel helpless to do anything about it. And it's the worst feeling in the world to know you can't make life better for them. So it's ok to throw your parents a bone every now and then. Let them know they are doing alright, the way they are raising you up.' I thought, wow, he's a really cool and insightful guy. A little quirky though, he left the inn in the middle of the night and didn't come back until sunrise-"

Jack interjected, "That's because he was sleeping with Mrs. Mullens."

Ethan's eyes grew wide. "Get the fuck outta here!"

Jack laughed. "It was one of those well known secrets that no one talked about. When Mrs. McKinley died, Mrs. Mullens would bring him food and help out with his last daughter Amanda who was still in the home, and do things around Inn. Her husband died like ten years earlier so she knew how it felt to lose a spouse. I know because Amanda and I were in the same year, and she complained about her always being around. When Amanda went away to Sarah Lawrence for college, he started going to her place for dinner, coming back to the Inn in the early morning hours. It was obvious."

Ethan said, "Wow. Okaaaay. Well, anyway, so he told me all that and made me think about my dad and our relationship, and how we've always been close, so I could see how he would feel responsible for the things that I've done. On the other side McKinley was telling me how his daughter Lauren, the oldest one, has been telling him to sell the Inn already and move down to Florida, that it's better for his arthritis.

"But he said the only thing keeping him here was he had no buyers. 'Who wants to move to Small Town USA and run an Inn?' he said. Which noooooow I know it wasn't the only thing keeping him here, WOW!" Jack laughed as Ethan continued.

"So anyway, all of these things were in my head as I spent the night in the Inn: the fact that I wanted to start over, the fact that my dad wanted to see me be responsible and I wanted to prove myself responsible for him, the fact that I wanted EJ to be safe and happy, and the fact that McKinley needed a buyer and I was just sitting on a shit load of money that I've made in the last five years making almost half of a mil annually.

"At sunrise I took a walk around, actually walked to the orchard and thought it was beautiful, made me think of painting it one day." He smiled at Jack who smiled back.

"I came back and gave him a cash offer. I thought he was going to negotiate with me but he said, 'Deal. I'm going to call my daughter right now, tell her I will be there by Christmas.' I went home and found my dad there, my mom had took EJ out. I didn't expect him to be the first face I saw, but it was. He looked at me and said, 'All I've ever wanted for you and AJ was to be better than me.' So I said, 'And all I ever wanted was to be just like my dad. To measure up to the man he is. Because there is no greater example in the world of how to be a man, a husband and a father than you.'

"And Jack, I've never seen my dad cry, not even when his dad died did he cry, at least not in front of us, but my father just started crying in front of me. Now we're both crying and hugging. I told him about the Inn and he took the ride with me the following week to do the inspection, go over the details with McKinley and sign the initial paperwork. Told me it was a good investment, but it will be a lot of hard work. And he told me that he's proud of me."

Ethan ended with, "So anyway, that's how I ended up in Rockville. Cool huh?" He smiled at Jack again who smiled shook his head.

"Yea. Cool," Jack said, knowingly. He was quiet for a moment, then said, "I've always seen my Uncle Henry as my dad. I thought it was obvious. Just because I didn't call him dad doesn't mean he wasn't. The only reason I didn't call him dad all this time is because he didn't adopt me."

"Because you told him not to," Ethan reminded him.

"But only because..." he trailed off.

"Because you felt a sense of loyalty to your first dad," Ethan said. "I get it. But he didn't know that. So he might have just thought you didn't want to be his son. That wasn't going to stop him actually making you his son, he was going to take care of you and raise you up as if you were, but maybe it's always been in the back of his head. I don't know. It kind of sounds like it."

"So how do I make it right?" Jack asked him. "How do I show him that I do love him and have always thought of him as my dad? And me not telling him was obviously because one, I didn't want him to stop me and two, I didn't want him to be mad or disappointed in the choices I made?"

"I don't know, Jack. Talk to him obviously, just you and him, man to man. But maybe some action. Go big or go home right?" Ethan smiled.

Jack smiled too. "Right." Then said, "Man I really fucked up relationships with this whole thing didn't I? I lost you. And EJ. Lost my dad. Lost my commitment to the church."

Ethan said quietly, "You didn't lose me at all. Never."

They were both quiet for a moment. Then Jack held out his hand face up on the center glove compartment, and Ethan put his hand down to hold his. He kissed Ethan's hand and asked, "So where are we going?"

"We'll drive until you tell me turn around."

"And if I don't?"

"Well Nova Scotia it is! We'll have EJ mailed to us." Jack laughed. Then Ethan said, "Seriously though, what is up with your family and big reveals on Christmas Eve? Can we just get one Frazier Christmas Eve dinner without a screaming match? Sheesh!"

~~~~~

The talked about random things and listen to music as they drove for the next couple of hours. When they got to Bangor, Maine, Ethan turned off the highway to take the local roads, saying, "Let's see some Christmas lights." They drove through the local streets and ended up in a small town outside of Bangor. There were a group of people walking and Ethan said, "I wonder where they are going? Caroling maybe?"

"They are going to church. Midnight Mass." Jack pointed at the time, it was 12:02am.

"Where our asses should be right now," Ethan said and laughed.

"Actually, can we go? I know God's upset with me right now but I still like to be in the house."

"God's not upset with you, you just feel remorse for what you did," Ethan said.

"See that's the thing E. I don't," Jack said. "Not one bit. They deserved to die for what they did, not just to my family but countless others. They belong in hell. I just helped send them there."

"Sure they did, but that doesn't take the emotion out of it for you. You have to face those feelings around it, then you will feel free to take communion again. Since you did confession the only thing holding you back is you."

Jack shifted away from Ethan. "Well...technically....I .....didn't."

Ethan's eyes went wide for the second time that night. "What?? That's what June told me, before you came to see me you were with Father O'Donnell."

"Yes, I was. We all went to see him that morning to do confession and get absolution. June went first into the confessional because she really wanted to see Liam, and obviously taking a life affected her way more than it affected me. Then Mina. Then Henrietta. When they all left, he waited for me, but then came out and sat next to me in the pew. And we talked. See Father knew what I was going to do, I told him many years ago, asked for absolution in advance, which obviously he couldn't give me for a crime I didn't commit.

"The day I left, before I went to see you, I went to see him and told him. He gave me a blessing and sent me on my way, told him to come back to me for absolution. But I just couldn't bring myself to ask for it afterwards, because I felt no remorse or regret for what I had done. He just said when I was ready, let him know. And I don't know if I ever will be."

"Um...buddy, I'm going to need you not to damn your soul to hell for all eternity just because you can't find an ounce of guilt for committing actual murder," said Ethan.

"Not hell. Purgatory maybe. I got enough people praying for me." Jack smiled.

"You really are a grade A dumb ass," Ethan said as he turned into the parking lot of the nearby Catholic Church and Jack laughed.

They went in and sat in the back pew, as it was mostly full. When communion time came Ethan got up, as he started taking communion again last year, and Jack did not. Ironically, the homily was about forgiveness of sins, forgiving others as God has forgiven us.

Then the priest said, "Forgiveness at the end of it all, is really a reflection of our relationship with God. We forgive and ask for forgiveness not just because we want the person's acknowledgment, but we want God's recognition as well."

At the end of the service Jack said, "I want to meet the Priest." They waited until most parishioners filtered out and then Jack went up to introduce himself to Father McLaughlin.

Jack told him, "I appreciated the message of forgiveness. But I have one question, what if you can't find it in your heart to forgive the person or persons who wronged you? What if you don't want their forgiveness for what you have done in return, because what they have done is so terrible, it grieves God himself?"

The Priest looked at him intently. "Forgiveness is also about how you see God in your life. Do you not expect God to forgive you for the terrible things you have done, wrongs you have committed?"              

"I do. I would want that very much. But I know He won't. Because I won't. So we're at a stalemate, God and I."

Father McLaughlin said, "Do you want to talk some more privately, son?"

Jack thought for a moment. "Yes. I would like to."

Ethan said, "Can you do it in a confession booth thought?" Jack glared at him. Ethan threw his palms up and said, "I'm just saying. It's a good a place as any to have the type of conversation you want to have. An honest one. That can't be held against you in a court of law." Ethan gave him a knowing look.

Jack turned back to the Priest. "Do you have time for a confessional tonight?"

~~~~~

Jack and Ethan waited in the back until the Church was empty, then Father McLaughlin ushered him into the confessional booth. Jack started, "Bless me Father for I have sinned. It has been four months and 21 days since my last confession."

The priest laughed. "Oh you're a regular aren't you?"

Jack smiled. "It's kind of my thing."

"But it hasn't been your thing for a while. Why is that?" the Father asked.

Jack hesitated. Then said, "I avenged the death of my father and mother. I took a life. I took two lives actually. And watched a third die. And I feel no guilt or remorse for what I have done. Two were evil people who took pleasure in their deaths. The other had guilt for his part in it, but did nothing about it, nothing to stop it from happening, nothing afterwards to make it right. They deserved to die, all of them."

The priest was quiet for a moment, then asked, "So are you looking for absolution? Or are you waiting for a sign from God to tell you what you did was right?"

Jack was stunned. "I...don't know. Aren't I supposed to be looking for absolution here?"

"Yes if you feel you did something wrong," the Father said. "But it doesn't sound like you feel like you did. So what exactly do you want to be absolved from?"

Jack was thoughtful. "I don't know. I don't feel like I did anything wrong but I do feel like God is mad at me."

Father said, "Or maybe you are mad at yourself for not letting Him handle things? Maybe the guilt isn't in the actual act, but how you discarded your relationship with God and went ahead anyway. Vengeance is mine, said the Lord. I will repay. But you repaid it instead. And I'm going to assume you didn't get a direct message from Jesus himself to go ahead and take a couple of lives. So you took the role of God in your decision. Is that fair to say?"

Jack was quiet. Then said, "They deserved to die. They raped and killed my mother. They beat, sodomized and killed my father. They wanted to kill me at six years old and my baby sister at two. They were going to dismember a two year old. They deserved to die." The priest let a few moments pass, before he spoke.

"I don't deny that to be the truth. And it is probably the case that they died exactly the way they were ordained by God to die, by your hands, as God knows and sees all. They have committed great sins. But that doesn't change the sins you have committed as well. You had a trusting relationship with God it sounds like. But you broke that trust first by breaking his commandment, Thou Shall Not Kill. So in your contriteness, maybe you should start by asking forgiveness of Him, and repair that relationship first."

Jack sat back quietly for a long time and the priest allowed him to. Then he said, "I'm sorry for sinning against God who is all good, for disobeying a direct commandment, and I vow to never commit that same sin again for as long as I walk the earth."

Father McLaughlin asked, "Do you know the Act of Contrition?"

Jack clasped his hands and recited, "Oh my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended Thee, and I detest all my sins because I dread the loss of Heaven and the pains of hell. But most of all because they have offended Thee, my God, Who art all good and deserving of all my love. I firmly resolve, with the help of Thy grace, to confess my sins, to do penance, and to amend my life. Amen."              

Father McLaughlin smiled. "Not many people know it by heart and can recite it. You take your faith seriously." Jack didn't answer. Then the Priest said, "I absolve thee from thy sins in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Go and sin no more."

Jack said, "Thank you Father. I promise, I won't." Jack left the confessional and smiled at Ethan, who smiled back.

When the Priest came out of his side, Ethan asked, "Hey Father, do you have any more juice and crackers laying around?"

~~~~~

When they got back in the car, Jack kissed Ethan passionately. Ethan said, "I love you too Jackie Bear."

"Ready to go home now?" Jack asked.

"Not just yet. Let me take you someplace."

They got back on I-95 and drove north. After a little over an hour Ethan came off I-95 and turned into an even smaller town than where they came from. It was almost 3am. They stopped at a diner and ordered burgers and fries as they were both hungry. Then Ethan drove through a wooded area and stopped at a lake, reversed the car around so the back end of the car was facing it. They got out the car and walked closer.

"Meet Mattawamkeag Lake," Ethan said. "Where if I hadn't been for an ice storm I would be living right now. And would have never met you."

"So are we celebrating this place or damming it?" Jack asked.

Ethan laughed. "I just wanted you to experience it. At sunrise."

Ethan opened up the back and side doors, and pulled down the back seats to where they lay down flat. Then he pulled the twin size blanket he keeps in there for EJ on long drives, and spread it out.

"That's not going to keep us warm," Jack said.

Ethan closed the side doors, said, "Guess we have to keep each other warm." Then he got in the back, laid down and looked at Jack. Jack smiled, then got in, pulling the hatch door down with him.              

The car was still warm. They laid on their sides looking at each other. "Are you tired?" Ethan asked.

"Yes," Jack said. "But I don't want to sleep just yet."

Ethan moved closer so that they were nose to nose. He kissed his nose and whispered, "Tell me what you want."

Jack whispered back, "I want to ride you."

Ethan's dick automatically sprang up. He reached over through Jack's open coat and touched his penis, which was also at full attention. He started rubbing Jack through his pants and Jack did the same to him. They were still nose to nose, looking at each other. Then Jack sat up, took off his coat, moved Ethan's coat out of the way and mounted him, fully clothed. Ethan laughed a bit, grabbed Jack's hips as he gyrated and rocked on his boner.

Jack groaned and said, "Uuuuugh it's too fucking cold to take off our clothes."

"Let me turn the car back on, make it warmer," Ethan decided.

Jack moved off him and Ethan crawled over to the front and turned on the ignition, then put the heat on full blast. He pulled the small bottle of baby oil out of the center glove compartment that they keep there on emergencies such as tonight. Jack started taking off his bottom half clothes as Ethan started doing the same.

Then Ethan put a lot of oil on his hands and started stoking his cock. "Come here, Jackie Bear."

Jack crawled over to Ethan in the car and he lightly fingered and oiled Jack's hole. Jack positioned himself to where the tip of Ethan was right at the opening of his hole, then he took both arms and wrapped them around Ethan's neck, leaned over and they kissed. As their tongues found their familiar dance, Jack very slowly lowered himself onto Ethan, moaning in his mouth. They kissed the whole time until Jack was all the way down sitting in Ethan's lap.

Ethan put his hands on Jack's waist and reminded him, "Breathe through it." Jack nodded.

Ethan leaned a bit back to where he was laying at an angle and Jack put his hands on Ethan's shoulders. He began to move back and forth as Ethan guided him, moaned and moved with him, slowly at first, then much faster hitting his prostate over and over again until he felt the first small waves of his orgasm, then slowed all the way down, only to start back up again.