Blooper Reel

Real life happens. We may deny that the person we envy or play with or have luscious fantasies have flaws. Many people tend to over look them. But, what happens when larger incidents happen involving those same people?

One of my favorite things to watch are bloopers. I love taking the blu-ray out of the package and watching my favorite, at the time, movie then watching the gag or blooper outtakes. I am amazed at the professionalism by actors. They generate a blooper and then compose themselves and are able to get back into character and execute their lines with emotions and within context of the scene. I know there are times multiple takes are needed, but, the final product is accomplished and the masses are pleased.

But

What would happen if those of us that attempt write erotica had a blooper reel? We tend to write flawless scenes where every knot is perfectly placed, every little glimpse of the eye is seen, when it needs to be seen and is taken the exact way it was intended.

If movies can have bloopers the written word should too. But, I will warn you now, some are fictitious and some are loosely based off of real stories. It is up to you to either figure it out or go, "oh no, that was me!"

I do, however, encourage you to continue the discussion of stories you may have heard. You know, I have a friend that said... OR, my fathers, friends, cousins, aunts mom said...

This is to be fun, and allow all of us the chance to remember that we are human and we make mistakes and things happen. But, that does not make us any less of an incredible person. We need to remember that the person we are with, wants to be with us though our little mishaps, big situations and clumsiness. Embrace the connection with others, stop judging yourself and enjoy the attention.

Story #1 Claire and Tim

Fade in on:

Tim: laying on his belly between Claires open legs. His face is less than an inch away from her wet slit that she is opening up with her fingers. The camera draws back from a closeup of her hardened clit.

Tim

Are you ready baby? Ready for my tongue?

Claire

Yes Sir, I am wet and I need to feel your mouth!

Tim

Mmmmm.

(voice over from inside Tim's head)

did I take my allergy tablet this morning? Oh no, oh no...not aahh..not aaaa...ACHOO!! achoo!! Choo!!

CUT!!

Story #2 So Tight!!

Fade in on:

Attractive Woman standing in a doorway wearing a corset. Man laying on the bed with an appreciative smile on his face.

She lowers her head slightly and does her best to give him a sultry look as she approaches the bed.

As she nears the dresser she stops and rests her hand on the top then bends her hip until it is touching the side.

Man

Are you ok?

Woman

(forced smile, nods head up and down)

mm hmmm (her voice is very faint)

She pushes off from the dresser and stands next to the bed. The man raises his hand and runs it from her thigh up to the side of her chest and back down.

Man

mmmm...you like how that feels?

You look good!!

So Sexy!!

Do you feel sexy?

Woman

mmm hmmm

ahcunbreeve

Man

yeah...good

mmmmm

Woman

ahcunbreeeeeve

Man

HUH?

At this time the woman puts both hands on the edge of the bed. She looks at him and attempts to mouth some words.

Man

ohhhh...speechless huh?

Woman

(barely audible) undo thesippah

Man

OH WAIT!! You can't breath!!

Camera pans out and follows the man open up drawer after drawer of the dresser. He then opens up the night stand and produces a large pair of scissors.

The woman begins to shake her head back and forth frantically.

Woman

NO NO NO!!

undo thesippah

UNDO THESIPPAH

The man runs an edge of the scissors under the corset and a loud sniping sound is heard. He then grabs the two sides and begins to rip it the rest of the way.

The woman is trying to pull away and is attempting to smack him away with her hands.

Once the corset it removed, the man holds it in one hand like a dead animal and the other hand holds the scissors, the weapon that was used by the hunter to take his prey.

After a deep inhalation, the woman turns to him with her hands on her hips.

Woman

What do you think you are doing!!

When I said I can't breath I then told you to undo the zipper!

CUT!!

Story #3 The wondrous symphony

Cut to:

A stormy night in a wooded area. The camera begins to pan in on a cabin and starts a close up on the window. As it reaches the window, the flicker of firelight is seen reflecting on the interior of the cabin. Candles are lit and placed throughout the single room.

Fade in on:

A couple in missionary position. Her legs open with him slowly thrusting in and out. The couple is kissing, giggling and enjoying the ambiance of the room.

As lightning strikes and the thunder rumbles the couple becomes more aggressive with their actions. Her hands raking his back as he has a hand full of her hair.

Woman

Harder...oh harder!!

Man

Yes!!

His response to her request is instantly seen with each animal like thrust he shoves into her. The booming of the thunder helps feed his dominance of the entire scene.

Camera close up:

To the woman's face. Her eyes are closed, her nostrils distended, her bottom lip being bitten.

Suddenly her eyes open. The flashes of lightening causing the whites of her eyes to illuminate.

Voice over:

The woman's thoughts begin to be heard.

Woman

(oh no. Not right now. Maybe if I tighten up it won't happen. Oh noooooo...)

Poot!

*Thrust*

fffffppppt

*Thrust*

(tighten up even more to keep it from...)

HRRRRRRRNK!!

Thinking that her tightening up was because of his hard thrusting, he enjoys the tightness and continues the hard and rhythmic cadence.

As the camera pans out, Tchaikovskys 1812 overture is being played with every cannon blast being accented by a lightening flash and her gas release.

CUT!!

Story #4 The tamed animal

Cut to:

Bedroom scene.

The woman on the floor, crouched down on one side of the bed with her head peeking over, framed by her fingers that are resting on the side.

The man entering the doorway. The hunter searching for his prey. He stops and grips either side of the door frame and emits a growl. Lowers his head as he spots her.

She ducks all of the way behind the bed as he crouches and enters the room. He begins to slowly pace back and forth. Waiting for his prey to make a move so he may pounce.

Quietly, he glides to the end of the bed. She pops her head up and tries to scurry across the bed in order to escape.

With his animal like reflexes on high alert, he takes one step with his left foot then swings his right foot in order to plant then pounce. However, his animal peripheral sight did not detect the edge of the dresser as he went to pounce on top of her.

His right pinky toe hit the edge of the dresser during his full swing mid pounce.

The pain was instant, which caused him to miss the mattress and land rib first on the bed rail. He emits a non human like howl as he lands on the floor with a possible broken rib or two, a rug burn on his forehead and a quivering mass of protoplasm that was once called a pinky toe pointing 90 degrees from its original position.

CUT!!

This concludes the blooper reel. I am quite sure there are many other stories out there that are needed to be told. So, tell them, make people realize that they are not the only one that has had a not so perfect experience.

My main reason for this is to have fun and let people know that we are human and mishaps will happen. So, have fun and do not expect perfection from your partner or yourself. Be sure to enjoy!!