Blurred Edges

It was dangerous. She wasn't sure how she'd ended up here. Not here in this room, but here, drawn to him. She'd known him from a distance forever, frequently running into each other over the years in the grocery store or post office of this too small town, at Ryan's birthday party every July, and in the last year they'd even crossed paths through her work as a guidance counselor in the same school he taught in. She glanced at him across the room again and this time he caught her eye and wouldn't let go. All the late night messages from the past few weeks came flooding back...

............

That first voice note when she'd been spinning out in a panic, was the first time he'd said her name. She was certain he had no idea what it did to her. His tone serious and intense, he'd corrected her, "You're not dangerous Kas. You're passionate and that intimidates people who want to avoid making waves."

"It's wild to me how invisible you try to make yourself. Because you definitely stand out, and there's nothing wrong with that. Trust me, you're magnetic and still very attractive." He had laughed sheepishly.

The way his voice, his laugh, echoed in every cell of her body had terrified her.

Weeks later, when they'd both realized the trouble her marriage was in, and had been in for awhile, he'd backpedaled.

"Whatever kind of space you need to take to feel safe & be smart. Take it." They hadn't talked for a couple of days afterward, and she had missed it. She knew he watched her stories, even though he'd stopped following her, and when the notification popped up she couldn't help but respond to his innocent hand clap emoji.

"Jack, I really just need you to tell me all the ways you're a piece of shit & that you don't like me at all & don't miss talking to me so I can get you out of my brain."

Typing bubbles popped up and went away and popped up again...

"I'm a piece of shit because I'm not in control of my emotions. Because I want what I want, and I'm driven to have it. Because I can't keep myself from putting my hand on a hot stove, even when I know better. And because I'm enjoying the burn in my chest from the whiskey I probably don't need tonight."

"You're gonna have to do better than that," she'd shot back, "You can't make it sound so romanticized."

"Ok fine. I'm a piece of shit because I want to fuck you, badly, Kas. Ok? And I know I shouldn't. And I don't want to add to your already complicated feelings, but I do."

She'd sucked air into her lungs at his straight admission. This is what they'd been dancing around for weeks. He'd finally cut through the tension that had hung thick in the air.

"And you don't like me at all and don't miss talking to me... you forgot that part..." She had barely breathed the words out.

"No. I didn't."

She read the quiet defiance in between the lines.

...........

Earth to Kas. She gasped a little, realizing she'd been holding her breath, and broke his gaze as her eyes closed and she attempted to center herself.

.........

But when she did he was there again, this time sitting on the back steps, whiskey in hand. She'd walked out the back door to escape the crowd last week at the birthday bash, she just needed some fresh air & a little quiet. Why was he always finding the same spaces she was? Like they needed to breathe the same oxygen, like it kept calling them back. They were too much alike. Fire with fire. And she hadn't known till now how much she'd craved that. To be with someone who would whisper in her ear all the ways he'd let her burn him up. Who would tell her... no... show her, that he could stand in her flames & not lose himself.

He'd given her a nod and a smile that night, but she could tell it was forced. She hesitated before sitting on the stoop next to him, "Did you want to talk?"

He was quiet for a moment.

"Do you ever get tired of feeling like you're begging to be noticed?" He'd blurted it out so forcefully that she blinked.

She took a deep breath, "More than you know."

He'd spilled about 10 years of frustration on that back step that evening while she listened. She touched his shoulder gently once, but the electricity it sent through her entire body caused her to pull back. She knew he'd felt it too.

.....

She opened her eyes again. Jack was close now, making his way across the room.

A couple of tequila shots in already, she hadn't had enough to be drunk, just enough to feel warm all over and show up as the less filtered version of herself.

She and her husband were separated now. Painful, but necessary. She'd been an enabler for far too long. But he was the only man she'd ever been with, the only man she'd ever loved. Is that why this still felt so dangerous? Why it felt so right, but also so incredibly wrong? There's no way she could be ready for this...

.......

Last night she'd finally admitted via message that she was terrified of how much she was enjoying their conversations.

"It wouldn't have mattered if you hadn't seen into my fucking mind & soul so easily." She'd said almost defensively.

"I saw you because I saw myself."

"I know."

"So then what's better?" He asked, "When I flirt with you and let you fire back? Or when I just pull back your layers and tell your own story to you? Would you rather I was friendly from a distance? Or do you want me to keep playing with matches?"

Her body flooded with heat at the memory of those words. He wasn't wrong.

"It's not about what I want..." she hadn't known what else to say...

.......

He was next to her now. The room, busy, loud and drunk, meant not another soul recognized anything out of place that night.

He leaned in, breath hot on her neck, just behind her ear, his words slow and drawn out, "What do you want, Kas? You've been starved for too long, and you don't deserve that. You were brave yesterday, and you can be again. So you're going to tell me what you need tonight, what you want, and I'm going to make damn sure I fucking give it to you..... Do you understand?"

She slowly nodded, her breathing shallow, "But I don't know..." She whispered.

"Then let me tell you what I've gathered so far. You need someone to control you; not in the sense of "I'm changing you," but in the sense of "I want to stand in the heat and embrace it all until your fire is spent." Someone who can take everything you're throwing at them, and give it back to you twice as hard. Because clearly you're not getting what you deserve in that department. No bent over the couch in the middle of the day, hair pulling, half fucking, half fighting. The kind of shit where you've got rug burn, you're out of breath, and you feel like you just marked your territory a little bit. Like you want people to see the carnage and know that this other person belongs to you. Does that sound about right?"

She nodded. Silent this time.

She felt her body drift back into him, she had the sense that in some ways she'd never be able to knock him off balance, and that was something she'd never experienced in a man before. Usually she was in charge in every area of her life, she'd never been able to let down her guard. Her long dark hair, striking features and eyes that pierced your soul had always intimidated people and often kept them at arms length.

It was dark outside, and warm, with just a sliver of the moon casting soft light on the ground.

She didn't wear lingerie for the attention anymore, it hadn't seemed to matter much at home. She wore it for the confidence it gave her. She could be in the most boring, professional attire and be the only one who knew the mystery and power that hid underneath her white silk blouse.

Tonight though, she hadn't worn professional clothes. This was a promotion party, adults only, and had been an excuse to dress up. So she wore a strappy little black dress, extra short, or at least it appeared that way on her long legs, just like everything else did. The back was open which meant she'd had to go braless tonight, and honestly, she liked the thrill that gave her. Instead she wore a dainty gold chain bra that didn't do shit for concealing her nipples, and only enhanced her shape. Black was her color anytime of year, clothes as black as her soul she would often joke. But she was tan now. The afternoons she snuck in reading on the edge of the Atlantic had paid off by about 10 shades, although she was never good about remembering to remove her silly little straps, so she just had to wear her tan lines like a badge of victory, a sign she'd been taking care of herself.

She had bought herself several different pairs of white underwear for the summer, because she liked the way it looked against her darker skin. It had always surprised her when she lived up North how the Irish & Native in her would compete for her tone throughout the year; here, with the year round sun, that wasn't really a thing.

Tonight she'd picked a satiny, white thong with some peekaboo lace on the front. Her hip bones didn't protrude as much as they used to back when she had a size zero frame, and honestly she wasn't sad about the curves she'd gained by living her life of muscle-building adventure & great food. It felt more powerful to turn heads at thirty than it had at twenty when it was effortless. She didn't deny herself anymore, and somehow her body loved her all the more for it.

She steadied her legs, gave him a come with me look and slipped out the nearest door into the silvery night. The rental house was right on the beach, surrounded by the salty sea air, still warm sand and the sound of lapping waves. The tall sea grass made it impossible to see the ocean, but you could hear it, you could feel it.

She heard him following not too far behind as she took the foot path through the grass into the darkness. She might wonder later what she'd been thinking, but honestly, she wasn't thinking right now. She was living.

She turned around and opened her mouth to speak but his mouth was on hers in an instant, one hand low on her back, the other behind her head, his fingers tangled in her hair. It felt like he'd been hungry for this, for her, for weeks, months, even years. She melted into him, noticing his hardness as she pressed in. She put one hand on his chin and the other traced the veins in his arms and neck as she let him explore every bit of her mouth. She couldn't keep herself from moaning as the heat spread through her body. She'd never been a quiet one.

They stumbled backward until her back was against the little beach shack that housed all the toys.

"You have 10 seconds to tell me to stop, after that you're all mine." He whispered against her neck.

Her voice sounded hoarse as she tried to steady it, pulling his shirt off over his head she whispered in a low tone, "Take me. Fuck me."

He slowly slid the thin black straps off her shoulders and the dress off her body until he was on his knees in front of her and stopped for a moment just to marvel.

"You're stunning."

She blushed. He wasn't self conscious, that's the first thing she noticed. His body wasn't perfect, neither was hers; there were stories written in their laugh lines and lovingly worn skin. He wasn't self-conscious because he wasn't thinking about himself. He was busy worshipping her body, and she his.

His hands explored her nipples and stomach as his mouth & tongue teased closer & closer on her thighs. He'd left her underwear on because he liked them, and they were easy enough to move to the side. Her body was on fire, she dug one hand into the muscle on his back & the other she wrapped in his hair.

He placed her legs over his shoulders, her back against the building, and his hands on her ass. His tongue strokes were long and slow and driving her wild now, pushing her closer & closer to the edge.

"Fuck." She screamed under her breath, "Fuck yes. Right there. Don't stop. Don't stop. Don't sto..."

She shuddered again & again, convulsing with the pleasure that rippled through her whole body.

She loved cumming first, because it made her tighter, and tighter felt good. She pulled him up to her, unbuckling his pants and using her toes to slide his underwear off his body. There'd be time for head later if he wanted it, but right now she couldn't wait another second to have him inside her. He read her mind. Grabbing her, he lifted her onto himself, her back against the wall, and as she slid down the length of him they both moaned loudly, there was no holding back this time. Again and again he read her mind, slamming her harder and harder onto himself. She didn't usually get off like this, most women don't, but something about the angle, the force and the passion had her on the edge of her second coming.

There she was again, convulsing into his arms. He pulled out to breathe for a minute & held her tight. He wasn't ready to cum just yet. They had some miles left to go. He flipped her around and slid inside her from the back, his hands now on her nipples & his mouth on her ear.

"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck." She couldn't have kept her voice down if she'd tried.

"For as long as you can handle it." He whispered softly in her ear, and then moaned, "God you feel good."

She braced her arms against the building while he drove inside her. There was some pain with the force, but they both knew she needed it, needed it to feel alive.

She could tell he was getting close, his eyes rolling in pleasure with every drive as he bruised her sides with his tight grip. She pushed him off & he groaned.

"I want to wear you." She whispered, "I want to rub you into every inch of me."

He felt for the beach towel left hanging over the railing and tossed it on the sand; gripping her intensely, he slid her to the ground. And there on his knees with his strong arms under her legs, drinking in every inch of her body, he pulled out just in time for her to watch him cum all over her- stomach, chest, satin underwear, golden chains and all.

"Oh. Oh. Fuck." He breathed. Convulsing, the rhythmic throbbing spilling more onto her with every breath.

"FUCK." She screamed into the sound of the waves as she smoothed it into her skin like the gift it was.

Exhausted and more physically relieved than he'd been in a hell of a long time, and still running high on the thrill, he pinned her body with his, letting his mouth wander her neck leaving marks she'd have to explain later, and forcing her to cum just once more for the night. If only because he liked to watch her squirm.

Neither of them were sure what this meant for tomorrow. But right now. Neither one of them cared.