Breaking the Delusion

"What do you want me to do?" Ursula asked fearfully.

"Promise you will never see David again," Xander demanded.

"Don't date anyone else and focus on us for a while," Violet added.

Ursula slowly nodded her agreement.

"Is there anything you want from Violet and Xander," Simon asked her gently.

"Please tell me you love me," Ursula asked her children.

"I love you, Mom," Xander said tearfully almost immediately. "We never thought objecting would do what it did to you. We just thought you would be angry with us. We just wanted to keep you from David."

"I love you too," Violet said quietly. "The truth is that we did what we did because we missed you. You were so into David that it was like you forgot about us. Even after the divorce, everything was about David. It was about you and David, what you and David wanted. What we wanted didn't matter. We hated him and you for what you did to Dad. He is the best dad. He never deserved that."

"I'm sorry," Ursula said pathetically. "I stopped loving your father, he stopped making me feel special, we became disconnected, but I couldn't leave because I didn't want to lose the two of you."

"That isn't an excuse to cheat!" Violet almost shouted out in frustration.

"All I wanted was to feel loved," Ursula whined.

"Dad did love you," Xander pointed out.

"We loved you but didn't feel like you loved us," as soon as Violet said those words a small high-pitched wail came out of Ursula's mouth.

Simon had never heard a heart break before, but with the noise Ursula made, he was sure that Ursula's heart had just broken. A lot had been said and Ursula looked very small sitting in between her children but now was the time to step in,

"I think we will stop there," Simon said trying to lighten the mood. "Violet, Xander, I will call Oliver and you can watch TV for a while. I have a few things to discuss with your mother before we finish but thank you so much for coming. You have been a big help!"

Simon went to the door and called his partner who with a friendly smile showed them the way to the lounge.

When they were alone, Ursula began sobbing, "Why did you do this to me? You said you were going to help me persuade them to accept David."

"I said no such thing," Simon refuted firmly. "You needed to listen to your children. They said some interesting things. They missed you," he said as he began reading from his notes, "you placed a higher importance on want you wanted, you prioritized David over them, they don't trust you, they hated what you did to their father, and, I am grateful to Violet for saying this and it put in words what they wanted you to know, they thought you didn't love them. That hurt you the most, didn't it?"

Ursula sniffed and nodded.

"You are a woman who needs to be loved but I think you struggle to show your love for others. For our next meeting, I want you to write down ways you can show your love to Violet and Xander and convince them that you love them. Can you do that? Also, keep talking to your children. People who betray their spouse, it never occurs to them how much it hurts their children. Give that some thought too. I think we will end the session there and I will see you next week."

Chapter 7

"I love you," Ursula told her children as they left their grandparents' house to get into their father's car. She was dismayed to see that her ex-husband's girlfriend was in the car with him.

"I love you," Violet and Xander told their mother.

The I love you was genuine between them all, but it was difficult. A lot of things were said during their therapy session, things that needed to be said. Even so, it hurt Ursula deeply. None more so than when they said that they thought she didn't love them. Nothing could have been further from the truth. Her journey with David was one that she had been determined to take with them, otherwise, it would not have meant anything.

As they entered their father's car, Ursula shouted after them, "Call me and message me whenever you want. I would love to hear from you. Can I call you too?"

Xander beamed a smile at her, but Violet rolled her eyes, "Of course, you're our mom."

Ursula's heart filled with hope, but it did nothing to stem her insecurities, "I'm scared Daddy," she cried as ran into his arms after her children had gone.

"What are you scared of?" Roger asked gently.

"That nobody will love me," Ursula said as she held on to her father tightly. "All I want is to be loved."

"You are loved, Ursula. I love you; your mother loves you, and Violet and Xander love you."

"Do you think so?" she asked. "Do you think they do?"

"I know so but when are going to learn that sometimes you must show your love to people? People need to know you love them too. Maybe you have forgotten that."

That evening, Roger sat on the sofa deep in thought, nursing a large bourbon.

"You're drinking again," Helen said disapprovingly. "What is wrong? You only drink when you are worried."

Roger's brow furrowed and his eyes moistened, "Did we raise Ursula badly? Were we bad parents? We spoilt that girl. Did we spoil her too much? I can't help but feel in some way responsible for all the things she's done. I feel so ashamed."

Helen placed her hand on Roger's. "I know, dear. Maybe we did spoil her too much. She was our miracle girl, we didn't think I would ever get pregnant, so it was like our prayers had been answered. I can't help feeling responsible too, but she is an adult, she needs to start to take responsibility for her actions."

"But can she? Since she came home, she's been acting like a little girl. It feels like she never grew up."

"That is what the therapy is for," Helen reminded her husband.

In her room, Ursula was in bed reading, when her phone pinged and she got a notification that she had been added to a chat group containing just her, Violet and Xander. The phone pinged again, and Violet sent a message,

"Mom, we can talk through this group chat," she said.

"Can you come to my baseball game this weekend?" Xander asked.

Ursula's heart leapt for joy, and she held her phone to her chest as a tear of happiness rolled down her cheek before she replied.

"I would love to go!"

"I love you both!" she added afterwards and waited with bated breath for their reply.

"I love you too, Mom," Xander replied.

"Love you, Mom. See you on the weekend," Violet replied shortly afterwards.

The week dragged on for Ursula on what was supposed to be the last week of her honeymoon. She was so excited to watch Xander's baseball game. A pang of guilt gnawed at her when she realized how long it had been since she saw Xander play. She knew how much he loved baseball.

When Saturday came, Ursula arrived at the park where Xander was playing and went to take a seat with the other parents. As she took her seat, she saw Gary and she gave him a weak smile which instantly disappeared when he looked away with a flash of irritation like she had already ruined the game for him. She then saw an attractive woman sit down next to him and kiss him with a bright smile. Seeing Gary's girlfriend hurt Ursula for some reason. It was then she noticed the whispering of disapproval at her presence. Some of the other parents made a point of talking to Gary before they gave Ursula a disgusted stare. Ursula suddenly felt very alone once more.

She was then surprised to feel someone sit next to her and embrace her,

"Hi Mom, you came! Xander will be so happy," Violet told her.

"I wouldn't have missed for the world," Ursula said happily as she returned her daughter's embrace. "I haven't seen him play since-" her mood suddenly turned a little painful, "It's been a while."

Violet noticed her mother's mood sour, and she could sense why, "Well, you came. I'm happy you're here and Xander will be too," she said trying to cheer her mother up.

Ursula's heart filled with pride as she watched Xander as the two teams lined up and everyone stood for the national anthem. Ursula gave Xander a small wave and her son beamed a smile as he waved back.

Ursula found herself getting absorbed in the game and cheered enthusiastically when Xander scored a home run.

After the game, Ursula hurried down with Violet to embrace her son after his team won narrowly.

"Do you two want to go for lunch to celebrate?" Ursula asked hopefully. Violet and Xander gave her an awkward look,

"It is a bit of a tradition that we go with Dad for pizza after my games," Xander told her. At that moment it hit Ursula hard at how much time she had missed with her children. She had no idea that they did that.

"Can you come for lunch tomorrow?" she asked her children in a small voice, her face awash with sadness and disappointment at losing out to their father and his girlfriend.

"Lunch tomorrow sounds great, Mom," Violet replied for both her and her brother with a smile which made her mother sigh with relief.

"See you tomorrow," Ursula said as her children walked away. Her gaze was then distracted by Gary's angry face.

"Violet and Xander may be happy you are back in their lives and that you are finally trying to be a mother to them but if you fuck it up and hurt them, I'll see to it that you will never see them again," he told her before walking off.

Ursula stood disconsolately alone in the now-empty park, stunned by her ex-husband's warning as fear of the possibility gripped her. Feeling her legs go weak she walked to her car with as much dignity as she could muster before she broke down and began sobbing once she sat behind the steering wheel.

Chapter 8

Ursula sat in front of Simon in tears.

"What happened, Ursula?" Simon asked worriedly.

"I lost my job," Ursula said despondently. "I came in on my first day back and they fired me."

"Why did they fire you?"

"They were making cutbacks, and my name came up."

"I'm so sorry," Simon sat next to Ursula and took her into his arms to comfort her.

"The worst of it was that the manager responsible for the cutbacks was David," Ursula confessed.

"Wow!" Simon genuinely looked shocked. Not many things shocked him these days but the sheer pettiness by Ursula's ex-fiancé was shocking. "Maybe this is a good thing. A fresh start for you."

"I don't know, I liked my job."

"I'm sure you did but I don't think working with David, the man who left you at the altar, would have been good for you," Simon said firmly.

"It's just I thought that things were starting to get better for me but when I went to see Xander's baseball game, Gary, my ex-husband told me if I hurt Violet and Xander again, he wouldn't let me see them again. You should have seen him he meant every word."

"How do you feel about that?" Simon asked.

"It scares me," Ursula admitted. "I love my children. They are all I have."

"Firstly, good for you for going to see Xander's baseball game. Was Violet there?"

For the first time in her session, Ursula smiled, "She watched the game with me. Xander was pleased to see me there too."

Simon smiled broadly, "I am happy for you, Ursula. This is the kind of thing I hoped you would do for your children after our last session. For the first time since we spoke, you told me something you did for them instead of them doing something you expected them to do for you. Keep it up. It will grow their trust in you."

Ursula nodded appreciatively.

"Now, let us talk about the topic of why you are here and the root cause of all your problems, your infidelity." Ursula winced at the word infidelity. "Tell me why you married Gary. Did you love him? How did you meet?"

"We started dating as seniors in high school. He was good-looking yet he was kind. I had a choice of the quarterback of the football team or Gary. I chose Gary."

"Why did you choose Gary," Simon asked confused.

"Gary always put me first. He made me feel special for me and not because of who I was dating."

"Did you date a lot in high school?"

Ursula nodded, "But I lost my virginity to Gary after our prom."

"So, you dated then married?"

Ursula shook her head, "We split up when we went to college. I dated a few guys while in college and I think Gary had one girlfriend."

Simon's brow furrowed, "Is it fair to say you dated a lot of guys?"

"I suppose so," Ursula giggled but Simon didn't share her mirth.

"Why do you think your relationships ended?"

"I think they stopped making me feel special. It felt like they stopped trying to make me feel loved."

"Is that important to you in a relationship? That your partner must make the effort to make you feel loved?"

Ursula nodded enthusiastically not appreciating how it made her look.

"Did you give love back," Simon asked.

"Of course, until they stopped trying."

"Let's get back to Gary, when did you get back together?"

"When we finished college. We never lost contact and we began to date again when we returned home. Three years later, he proposed."

"Why did you accept his proposal?"

"Because no one was able to make me feel as special as he did. I loved him for that."

"During your marriage, you gave birth to Violet and Xander."

Ursula smiled, "When I first laid eyes on them, I never felt a love like it. I've never loved anyone like I do for Violet and Xander. It made me so happy."

Simon smiled approvingly, "So you gave them unconditional love?"

"Yes, they made me so happy. They still do."

"When did it start to go wrong for you and Gary?"

"He started to work longer hours. He said that he had an opportunity to get a promotion, but it felt like his work was more important to him than I was. We began to argue for the first time since we met. He kept telling me he was doing for the family, but it felt like he was neglecting us."

"Huh," Simon grunted. "So, you fell out of love with him because of that?" it was more of a statement than a question.

"Yes, how did you know?" Ursula asked sounding surprised.

"How did you meet, David?" Simon asked ignoring Ursula's question. "Did you both work together?"

"Yes, he joined the company about six months before we started dating. He flirted a lot with the married women in the office. When Gary and me started arguing he listened to me and gave me compliments," Simon's eyes narrowed with suspicion as he listened. "We began to have lunch together and he became an important friend to me. Lunch became drinks after work, then, I don't know what made us, we kissed. It was like David was giving me everything Gary should have been. Before I knew it, I was in love with David, and I had fallen out of love with Gary. My arguments with Gary got worse, and I was only happy with David. I used any excuse I could think of to be with David, girls' nights out, weekends away with my parents or friends. Gary became pathetic and I lost all respect for him."

"Why didn't you tell Gary how you felt or divorce him before dating David."

Ursula shifted uncomfortably in her seat, "I had Violet and Xander to think about. I couldn't just leave them. I loved them too much."

"You dated David for two years, didn't you?" Simon asked looking through notes he made in a previous session. "Two years of living a double life, lying to Gary, lying to your children. How many girls' nights out and weekends away did you have during that time?"

Simon paused to compose himself and pinched his nose between his eyes. Ursula sat there and pouted not saying anything.

"What did Gary do to deserve that?"

"I fell out of love with him," Ursula mumbled, weakly trying to justify herself.

"I didn't ask you that. I asked you what Gary did to deserve to be cheated on for two years?"

"Nothing," Ursula said quietly, with a tear shamefully rolling down her cheek.

"What did Violet and Xander do to deserve to have their mother disappear from their lives? What did they do to have to watch their father suffer emotionally."

"I didn't disappear from their lives, that isn't true!" Ursula protested.

"Didn't you? Did you watch Xander's baseball games, or did you spend time with David? What about Violet? Did you spend time with Violet, or did you spend time with David?"

Ursula shrunk back from Simon's verbal onslaught. Her mouth opened as if to speak but no words came out.

"Do you understand the resentment you created from your children?"

Ursula shook her head not wanting to believe what Simon was telling her.

"To make it worse, you effectively flaunted your affair in front of everyone."

"We thought we kept it hidden," Ursula sounded defeated.

"You obviously didn't because everyone knew about it. How did Gary confront you? What happened the day you separated?"

"Gary never came home from work. I was served with the divorce papers with photos and text messages when in the office. It was embarrassing. He included a letter saying he had moved out and Violet and Xander had his new address. The divorce was horrible. He exposed everything to everyone."

"You then immediately began to date David openly and introduced him to Violet and Xander. They made it clear that they didn't like him, didn't they?"

Ursula nodded.

"Yet you pushed David more and more on them and they never had a say."

Ursula's head hung in shame.

"How did you feel when Violet and Xander objected at your wedding and David left you at the altar?"

"I felt that my world was coming crashing down around me. I couldn't believe what they were doing to me. I felt like all the people I loved were leaving me. I felt so lonely."

"Like the people you loved were leaving you," Simon repeated. "They left you like you left every single person you had a relationship with."

"What? I don't understand." Ursula said, with genuine confusion.

"And that is the problem. Love for you has always been transactional. If you didn't feel like they loved you as much as you wanted, you weren't prepared to love them back."

"That isn't true!" Ursula protested again.

"It is, Ursula," Simon said firmly but calmly. "You got away with it until your love for Violet and Xander became transactional."

"It didn't!" Ursula tried to deny it but didn't sound convincing.

"You then found David didn't love you as much as you thought."

"He did!"

"Ursula, he went fishing for married women in your workplace until he found one whose marriage hit a rocky patch and he made his move. When the going got tough and he couldn't get rid of your children, he cut and ran. At no point did he try and build a relationship with Violet and Xander, did he? Now he has had you fired. It doesn't sound like someone who loved you does it. His love was transactional too, wasn't it?"

Ursula nodded her head, finally admitting the truth.

"The happiest time of your life was when you gave Violet and Xander unconditional love, wasn't it?" Simon said pointedly yet more gently as he could see that Ursula was starting to understand.

Ursula nodded.

"Our session has come to an end. Before our next session, I want you to think about how you give love to those around you and if it is enough for you to deserve their love."

Ursula nodded again.

Chapter 9

Ursula sat in her lounge alone contemplating her life. She had moved back to her own home. She wanted her own space, and she wanted Violet and Xander to move back home with her.

Her latest session with Simon hit her hard. She did not like what he told her. Did she only love people for what they gave her? Was she really that kind of person? Did she really stop loving people if she didn't think they loved her enough?

What about Violet and Xander? She thought about the day she first held them both when they were born. They were both perfect in every way. They ARE perfect in every way. Her love for them WAS unconditional.

She then began to cry. A horrible realization hit her. She WAS that kind of person. Her love for Violet and Xander DID become transactional. That was why they wondered if she loved them or not. She hurt them but she never meant to. She always wanted them with her.