Breaking the Delusion

Ursula picked up her phone and called her parents,

"Mommy, can I come over, I need to talk to you?" she sobbed down the phone when her mother answered.

There was a slight pause, "I will come to you. Gary is coming over later."

"Gary? Why?" Ursula asked worriedly.

"We are discussing with him about buying his share of the house and I think it would be better if you weren't there," Helen told her daughter honestly. "I'll come over now."

*************

"Mommy, am I a bad person?" Ursula asked despondently as Helen sat down and gave her daughter a cup of coffee.

"No, of course not," Helen replied with certainty. "What has brought this on."

"In my last session with Simon, he said I only love people who love me first and if I think they don't love me enough then I break up with them. Is that true?"

"Do you think it is true?" Helen asked carefully.

Ursula nodded sadly, "I have spent a lot of time thinking about it. I've done it my whole life. I've expected a lot from people, but I've never been prepared to give as much back. I never realized it until Simon pointed it out to me. I feel like a terrible person."

"Ursula, you are not a terrible person!" Helen told Ursula firmly.

"But I treated Violet and Xander like it! I'm their mother, I shouldn't do that!" Ursula's voice then became quieter, "I treated Gary like it. We were married for a long time, but I fell out of love with him too easily. I hurt him so badly." She then began to sob uncontrollably, "I'm sorry Mommy. I'm sorry for being such a bad daughter. I didn't mean to make Daddy ashamed of me. Tell me I haven't treated you badly like everyone else!"

"Hush," Helen said gently as she took Ursula into her arms to comfort her. "You're not a bad person. You have done some bad things but you're not a bad person." Helen pulled away but didn't let her daughter go, "Ursula you are my and your father's miracle baby. We tried so hard to have children, but we just couldn't and when we were about to give up, I got pregnant with you. You brought so much joy into our lives. I think the joy you gave us blinded us to your flaws and we didn't step in when we should have when you made mistakes. Your failures are really our failures as your parents."

Ursula hugged her mother lovingly feeling relieved before she realized she was making the same mistake as she always did and she pulled away,

"No, Mom! You can't keep taking the blame for the things I do. I need to take responsibility for my actions. I need to be a good example to Violet and Xander. They can't make the same mistakes I have done."

Helen looked at her daughter in horror and burst into tears, "Oh my god! No, Ursula, your father and I have to take some of the blame! I just made the same mistake we always did to absolve you of any of the responsibility for your actions. No wonder you thought it was okay to do what you have done. You never faced any consequences for your actions until now. I am so sorry."

Mother and daughter cried into each other's arms. When they had finished, Helen asked,

"What are you going to do?"

"I need to apologize to Violet and Xander for being a bad mother and," Ursula took a deep breath, "to Gary if he will let me."

"Is there anything we can do?" Helen asked.

"Can you tell Gary it is time for Violet and Xander to come home and that I will be in touch with him soon to discuss a few things about our children? Also, I am going to find a new job so I can save and buy Gary's share of the house from you. I can't let you bear the responsibility for my actions any longer."

Chapter 10

Simon sat in front of Ursula as he read the three letters, she gave him and the contract. His eyebrows were raised in surprise as he read. Ursula sat with her hands in her lap, wringing her hands nervously as she watched him read.

Over the weekend Violet and Xander moved back home after three weeks of staying with their father. Ursula wanted them home sooner but she surprised Gary by not putting up a fight when he insisted that they stay until the Friday. She was grateful for the extra time alone because it allowed her to find the words she needed to say and begin her search for a new job.

"You really want to give these letters and sign these contracts? The contracts are a big commitment." Simon asked Ursula incredulously.

"Yes, I don't think they will make anything right, but I hope they show that I am genuinely remorseful for what I've done and that I want to be a better person going forward."

"I have to say I am impressed. When we had our previous sessions all I saw in you was a forty-something divorced mother who had never really grown up. You have shown so much growth in such a short space of time."

"I think I always knew what I did was wrong, but I needed someone to spell it out to me before I would accept it. Thank you, Simon. You saved my relationship with my children."

"No, Ursula you did that yourself, but you welcome. I am happy you have found yourself again," Simon smiled. "I think it would be best that I let you get on with it and not interfere. Shall we meet again in a month to see how you are doing?"

Ursula nodded her agreement.

***************

"Violet, Xander, can you come downstairs? There is something important I need to talk to you about," Ursula called to her children that evening.

They found their mother in the dining room with two envelopes and two pieces of paper looking very nervous.

"What's wrong, Mom?" Violet asked.

Ursula gave each of her children an envelope with their names on it, "Please read the letters I've written you."

With confused expressions, her children opened their envelopes and began to read. Tears welled in Ursula's eyes as she watched them read studiously. When they had finished, tears rolled down Violet's cheeks and even Xander's eyes were moist.

"I am so sorry for what I did to you when I was with David. I was so selfish and oblivious to how much I was hurting you. I see now why you thought I stopped loving you but please believe me I always did love you. I will always love you no matter what. I wasn't there for you for more than two years and I missed out on so much of your life, so apologizing isn't enough, so I have written this contract. I have already signed it and all it needs is for you to sign it."

Violet and Xander looked at their copy of the contract.

"Mom, are you sure? It says here that you won't date without our permission while we live here," Violet said with disbelief. "Do you think you will be able to do that? What if you meet someone and we say no?"

"Then I will live by your decision, but I do not intend to date for a while. I need to work on myself. I have too many flaws that I need to fix. I need to learn to be able to love without expecting too much in return. I need to be a better example to both of you. You have no idea how hard it is when you realize what a bad person you are."

"What about Dad?" Xander asked. "You said you were sorry for what you did to us and Dad."

"And I am," Ursula told him. "What I said in your letter is true, I did stop loving your father, but my reasons were not acceptable nor was seeing David behind his back. I hurt him badly for that and I now feel so guilty about it. He didn't deserve it, not with his worst flaws did he deserve it. I have a separate letter for your father, and I hope he will read it and let me talk to him because I want to offer to co-parent with him. With you spending a week with each of our houses, would you be okay with that? I want to improve my relationship with your father."

Both Violet and Xander nodded enthusiastically and took the pen Ursula offered them and they both signed the contract. Ursula gave a bittersweet smile when they did.

"Thank you. I love you both so much. Can you hug me and tell me you love me?"

Both Violet and Xander stood up and lovingly embraced their mother, "I love you, Mom," they told her.

***************

The following day Ursula began searching for a new job. She loved working at her old job. She didn't earn a fantastic salary, but she didn't need to. She had earned enough to pay her half of the mortgage and put food on the table. She had been there a long time and she wanted to find something similar, maybe earn a little more so she and her children could go on a small holiday together every year and more importantly save to buy her parents' share of the mortgage once they had bought Gary out.

Perhaps Pastor Simon was right. Maybe a new job to go with her new beginning was a good thing. She felt that she was building a new relationship with her children. One that she should have created after she and Gary had divorced.

After updating her resume, she sent off applications to several companies who were hiring. She was surprised when a construction company called her quickly to offer her a job interview for a position in their payroll department. It was a position she applied for out of hope rather than an expectation of anything coming of it. The interview was scheduled for Friday afternoon.

With an interview secured, Ursula turned her attention to Gary. She thought long and hard about her ex-husband, their marriage and what she did to him. The more she thought about him, the more she disliked herself.

With Violet and Xander, reconciling with them was straightforward. She had to let her children express, or more to the point be forced to listen to, their resentment towards her. It was hard to hear. She had allowed herself to get caught up in her affair with David so much that she stopped listening to them. They tried hard to get her to listen, but she was so absorbed with her wants and needs that she assumed what she wanted was best for Violet and Xander too. Despite their resentment they still loved her and all they wanted was for her to be their mother again. It was still early days, but they were making progress every day and underneath their resentment, they did love her and that was all that mattered.

Gary was another matter. She knew he hated her. Pastor Simon made her realize what she did to him. What she did to a good husband and father. She needed to apologize to him. If he would listen. With trepidation, Ursula called Gary,

"What do you want?" was the less-than-kind greeting her ex-husband gave her.

"Hello, Gary," Ursula greeted him trying to hold her emotions in check.

"Is there a problem? Are Violet and Xander okay?" Gary said quickly with a little worry thinking that there was a reason for his ex-wife's unexpected call.

"Violet and Xander are okay," Ursula assured him.

"Then what do you want?" Gary's hostility returned.

"I was hoping we could meet," Ursula said fearfully.

"Why would I want to do that?"

"I have something to give you and I would like to discuss changing our parenting arrangement with Violet and Xander."

"We can do that through our lawyers, and I will fight you with everything I have!" Gary snarled.

"Please, Gary!" Ursula begged, her voice cracking heavily with emotion. "I want to discuss co-parenting, so you have more time with them."

There was a long pause before Gary spoke again.

"I'm putting you on speakerphone. Vicki needs to hear this."

"Vicki?"

"My girlfriend."

"Of course," a pang of regret swept through Ursula. "Can we meet to discuss this? Wherever is best for you." There was another pause. "Vicki can come too if you prefer," she added quickly.

When Ursula got no reply, she asked tentatively, "Gary?"

"Yes, okay. We can meet. Friday at 5 pm in Giuseppe's coffee shop" Gary said sounding flustered. "I don't want any games, Ursula," he added getting control over himself. "If I think you are playing any stupid games I'm walking out, and I won't give a shit what you want to tell me."

"Thank you, Gary. I promise you I'm not trying to cause you any problems."

"Yeah, I've heard your promises before," Gary snorted before abruptly hanging up.

Ursula felt very small and scared but it was a meeting she needed to have.

Chapter 11

Ursula felt relieved that she had her job interview to prepare for to take her mind off her meeting with Gary and her meeting with Gary to take the edge off her nerves about her job interview.

Fortunately, her job interview went very well and was offered the job and was asked to start after the weekend. She was told that the job would involve some long hours so overtime would be expected but well paid for. Ursula decided that would not be a problem. Violet was going to be a sophomore and Xander was going to be entering his final year of middle school, so her children did not need so much looking after.

Her happy mood lasted until she reached Giuseppe's coffee shop. She was happy Gary chose this coffee shop. It was a small coffee shop run by an old Italian couple. It had been there for years and had a reputation for having the best coffee for miles.

When Ursula entered the coffee shop, she became gripped by intense nervousness when she saw Gary and his attractive girlfriend, Vicki. This was going to be their first cordial conversation for over three years. Ursula knew that towards the end of their marriage, she was constantly angry with him and blamed him for almost everything.

"Hello Gary, it is good to see you," Ursula said as she approached Gary and Vicki's table.

Gary looked up at Ursula with suspicion, "Ursula," he said curtly.

"Hello, you must be Vicki," Ursula said extending her hand out for Gary's girlfriend to take.

"Hello, Ursula," Vicki took Ursula's hand with a look of wariness.

"Do you mind if I get a coffee before we talk?" Ursula asked to which Gary simply nodded his head.

With a latte, Ursula sat down with Gary and Vicki. The tension was thick between them and Ursula's hand shook as she took a sip of her coffee as Gary's and Vicki's eyes bored into her.

"The coffee here is delicious," she said with a weak and nervous smile.

"You're looking very smart for a coffee shop," Vicki stated with a tone full of distrust as she noted Ursula's clothes.

"I had a job interview today. I didn't have time to go home and change," Ursula explained which eased some of Vicki's distrust.

"I heard that asshole ditched you at the altar," Gary said spitefully.

"Gary!" Vicki cautioned him firmly when she saw Ursula almost double over from the cheap blow with a hurt look on her face.

"It's okay, I deserve it," Ursula said to Vicki.

Gary and Vicki's brows furrowed slightly. They had arrived prepared for a confrontation, but Ursula appeared different from when Gary last spoke to her.

"Why are we here, Ursula? What is so important that we had to meet in person," Gary asked irritably. This was not how he wanted to spend his Friday evening.

Ursula reached into her handbag and took out the letter she had written for him before sliding it across the table.

"What is this?" Gary asked.

"It is a letter to apologize for what I did to you," Ursula told him shamefully. "You don't have to read it now if you don't want to but please read it."

"An apology? Do you think the two years of hell you put me through can be put right with a letter?" Gary said with incredulous anger.

"No, I don't," Ursula replied timidly. "I just wanted to show you how remorseful I am for what I did to you."

"For what purpose?" Vicki asked.

"I want to build a new relationship with Gary," Ursula replied.

"I'm sorry you got jilted at the altar, but Gary is in a relationship with me, and you just can't come here and expect him to take him back!" Vicki told her furiously. "You have a nerve!"

Gary sighed with resignation, "I knew it, let's go, Vicki. This is a waste of our time," and Gary and Vicki began to stand up.

"No! Please!" Ursula begged desperately drawing attention from the other customers to herself. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way! Please don't go! I'm not looking to get back together with you, Gary! I swear it!"

Gary and Vicki sat back down when they saw that Ursula was genuinely distressed.

"Since David left me, I have been having therapy with the pastor at the church my parents go to," Ursula began to explain.

"Good for you," Gary said with indifference.

"Are you talking about Pastor Simon?" Vicki said. "I've heard he is tough on his patients."

Ursula nodded as she took a paper napkin and wiped her eyes.

"He was what I needed. He opened my eyes to my past behaviour, my character flaws and how I have affected others. I've come to realize how close I was to losing Violet and Xander and how much I hurt you, Gary. Vicki, I don't love Gary. I'm not here to try to get him to take me back. We don't even have to be friends. What I want to do is to try and build a respectful relationship with Gary as the father of my children. I'm not expecting forgiveness for what I have done. I just want Violet and Xander to see us at least not being hostile to each other. I want them to have two happy homes and two parents who do not hate each other. Violet and Xander will always keep us in each other's lives."

"Okay, go on," Gary said slowly.

"You have no idea how it feels to look inside of yourself and see what a terrible person you are. It is truly heartbreaking and frightening. I must work on myself for the sake of Violet and Xander so I can be a better mother to them. For the past couple of weeks, I have been trying to build bridges again with Violet and Xander. They told me things that broke my heart which showed me how much I prioritized David over them. I was an awful mother."

Ursula's despondency began to eat away at Gary and Vicki's hostility. Gary barely recognized the woman in front of him. She certainly wasn't the hateful woman who cheated on him nor the needy woman he married. His ex-wife did appear to be trying to change. She was saying the right things, but he learned that actions spoke louder than words with his ex-wife, so it remained to be seen if she was genuinely trying to change.

"You wanted to talk about co-parenting with Violet and Xander?" Gary asked wanting to push the conversation on.

"You were a good husband, Gary but you are an even better father. Also, Vicki, it hurts me to say it, but you have been so good to Violet and Xander and were there for them when I should have been. They appear to love you. So, I propose that instead of the custody arrangement we have, we co-parent instead. Violet and Xander stay with us for alternate weeks. We can also have summer holiday arrangements where we take Violet and Xander on holiday for up to two weeks. If makes you happier we can ask the court to approve it."

Gary stared at Ursula in surprise. This was not what he was expecting. The offer was too good to turn down, but his apartment was too small to comfortably hold Violet, Xander, himself and Vicki whom he wanted to move in with.

"I want to accept your proposal, but I'm not able to at the moment because my apartment is too small. It was very hard having the children stay for three weeks. Vicki couldn't stay over. Until your parents buy me out and I move it just won't work. For the moment why don't they stay at your house but Violet and Xander are free to visit whenever they want. I'll give them a key and they can treat my apartment as their home. We can talk again when I eventually move."

"Okay, I can agree to that. I want us to both to keep each other informed of what Violet and Xander are up to. We make decisions together."

"I can agree to that," Gary accepted.

Ursula smiled in relief, "I hope this proves to you that I am trying to change."

"What happened to you Ursula?" Gary asked sounding perplexed.

"I have been told the love I gave people was transactional and unequal," Ursula replied with a heavy heart. "Ever since we first dated back in high school, I always expected to be loved more than I gave and if I didn't get it, I fell out of love with them. That is what happened in our marriage, I genuinely did fall out of love with you, and we would have divorced anyway, but it wasn't your fault. Everything was because of me. I even did it to Violet and Xander, for which I am so ashamed. But I'm trying to work on myself and change."