Broken Defence

"It's much easier to be the someone that someone else wants you to be. There's much less to put on the line. I've never been able to be myself with anyone but you and closing myself back off after you was so painful. Hell, I don't even talk like this with anyone but you." She laughed as she finished what she was saying, shaking her head in a bit of disbelief.

At some point, I'd stopped drinking my beer as I had been following Holly's every word. I stared into her eyes and smiled as she brushed her hair away.

"I'm talking a lot, aren't I?" She blushed, it always looked good on her when she did that. It was the kind of cute look that I knew could get her anything from anyone. Her trouble was that she didn't blush for anyone but me, it seemed.

"You're talking a good amount. This is good, I like it a lot Holly. Would you like to eat something?"

"Erm, maybe. Could you get whatever you fancy and then I'll just pick at it?"

I smiled reassuringly, no pressure. "I'll order some Chinese," I said, getting out my phone and hunting for the delivery app.

We paused any further deep conversations while we waited for the food and ate it. Holly had a small bowl of boiled rice with an even smaller bit of chicken noodles on top but I didn't press it, just told her where the crockery was and encouraged her to help herself. By the end of the night and with very little discussion about it, Holly stayed over. I took the couch again, I wouldn't hear a word against it.

She too left early the next morning and then was back again that evening. That continued for a couple of days as we slowly got used to being around each other again. For one of the evenings, I cooked and made some fries on the side which she picked at while dipping them into tomato ketchup. She tried a small bite of the leftover chicken kebab on my plate and her eyes went wide. "This is excellent, when did you learn to cook?"

"I uh, fell into a bit of a bad depression when you left, to tell you the truth."

"-I'm so sorry."

"Holly, don't be. We need to learn to talk to each other about that time without apologising about it, myself included or we'll create real communication problems for ourselves. The reality is, that period shaped us both," I said gently, taking her by the hand and leading us over to the couch now that we'd finished eating.

"You're right," she said, making herself comfortable again. "Continue."

"Oh yeah, ha," I chuckled, completely distracted by Holly making herself at home. "So bad depression, yeah. It took me a while to get out of it and when I did, I made some changes. I stayed on top of keeping where I was living tidy and I made sure to cook for myself too because not doing those things or not being able to do them, was a warning. Or is a warning, as I'm sometimes still in that place."

"Two things: one, is that why you cleaned up for me the other day? And two, has how I've been treating you been bringing that out? Don't look at me like that," she added, "you said yourself it was important to communicate."

"Yes, it was why I tidied. I personally would have found it overwhelming and if you're like me, I wanted to take some of that away from you. And no, your behaviour made me extremely sad but not depressed."

"I'm sorry, Tom."

"We just said -"

"No, Tom. I haven't apologised properly. I kind of explained why I did it but I am truly sorry." Holly put her hand over mine and looked at me for forgiveness. I took her hand and kissed it.

"You're forgiven, my dear."

Holly smiled. "Maybe try the kiss again with a different name."

"You're forgiven, my angel. Na, strike that, you swear like a sailor." We both laughed.

"You're forgiven, baby," I said gently.

"I like that. Now try the name again and kiss me in a different place."

I smiled and moved over to Holly's lips and slowly kissed them. "You're forgiven, baby."

Holly wrapped her arms around me and we started to kiss passionately. Her tongue was tentative as she met mine so I went slow, allowing her to control the pace. I kept my hands gently on her sides, just enjoying being close to her. We kissed in that position for a long while, Holly frequently tucking her hair behind her ears as our kisses grew in intensity. We really started to get into it, especially Holly, who surprised me with her energy. She moaned into my mouth when I bit her lip gently and then she bit my lip slightly harder.

I went back to using my tongue while I reminded myself to keep my hands under control. My job was made even harder when Holly started to grind on me.

After a few minutes of her grinding, she stopped her movements and pulled away from my lips, sitting on top of me. "Wow," she said breathlessly.

"Are you okay?" I asked, immediately concerned.

"More than okay, I'm soaking wet," she said with her eyes now quite wide and her head thrown back slightly so she was looking up towards the wall above me, almost in a state of shock.

"That is a good thing, right?" I was suddenly very confused.

"Sorry, I just haven't been turned on in a very, very long time."

I smiled and tried not to let my ego get too big. It was hard not to, knowing I'd turned Holly on that much. I debated asking if I could take it further for her.

"Would you like to go a bit further?" I asked. I saw an immediate shift in her behaviour into nerves. "Not like sex," I quickly added. "My fingers or my mouth. Nothing in return, I just want to make you feel good baby."

"I really like you calling me that," she whispered. She paused, looking at me and turning it over in her mind. "Are you sure you're okay with what you're suggesting and getting nothing in return?"

"Absolutely. I'd be honoured and I mean that Holly."

Holly looked emotional and stared at me for a long time, weighing it all up. I waited patiently, not seeking to put any pressure on her. "Okay, could you maybe use your hand a little bit? I may not cum but it'll be enough for me just to feel you inside me." Holly leaned over and added in a whisper, "where you belong."

"Oh God," I groaned in response while she was already unzipping her jeans which were quite loose. She kept her t-shirt on and she didn't pull down her jeans which gave me limited space to work but it'd have to do.

I started slowly, running my finger along her pussy, feeling her wetness. I pulled her into a kiss a split second before my finger made contact with her clit and her eyes shot open wide. She renewed her kissing with intensity when she felt me start to really focus on her clit and rub it gently. When she broke away, I ran my hand down her pussy and moved her lips apart so my finger could find her wet hole.

I wasn't prepared for how tight she was. It required a bit of push to even get my finger in halfway and by that point, she was starting to moan. "Oh, baby. This is happening, I can't believe this is happening."

I kissed her lips and then her cheek and neck, covering her with kisses as I moved my finger slowly in and out. I couldn't feel anything more of her but where my fingers were and where our lips met but yet, I felt we were connecting as one in totality. She surprised me after I worked a finger in by taking hold of my hard cock over my jeans. She felt it from every angle she could and then gripped it hard, holding it in her hand while I continued to finger her.

"I'm imagining this inside me," she whispered. "I want it so bad right now."

"There's no rush baby, just do what feels right," I responded.

My wrist was starting to ache and cramp from my actions and Holly could tell me from my erratic movements. She kissed me once more while looking me in the eyes and took my hand away. "I'm not going to cum, I'm not going to get there," she said. There was no hint of frustration, if anything she seemed pleased to have gotten this far.

"I want to help you now," she said firmly.

"No, that wasn't what we agreed. I don't want to take advantage - you," I paused as she started to unzip me. "-don't need to do anything," I finished.

"You're not taking advantage, I want to do this. Need to do it."

She took my cock out in her hands and slowly stroked it. Her hands were a little clammy, probably from our closeness and perhaps her nervousness. If she was nervous though, she didn't show it. "I should have been doing this to you, nobody else. Just you." There was a trace of bitterness there.

She slowly lowered her mouth to my cock while internally I battled my desire to be close to her with my worry of taking advantage. Holly sensed my tension. "It's okay, I know I'm safe with you. I want this."

She started to lick the tip and then kiss the head of my cock, pressing her lips around it. I was amazed she was trying to reassure me right then. That wasn't how it was supposed to go. "Holly, wait," I said firmly.

She pulled up and looked at me with the start of a panic. "Sorry, I'm moving too fast, you're not there yet and -"

"What, no! Of course, I'm there, I've always been there. But Holly, I need you to tell me you know you can stop this at any time. You're in control, okay?"

Maybe I was crazy to want to reassure her when her mouth was already around my cock but I needed that reassurance too. A few days ago she was on the edge of something very dark and now we were here. That was a lot of progress and I wasn't sure how much was real or perceived.

"Trust me, I know," she said firmly, with just a hint of smugness.

She moved her head back down and started to suck my cock again. Only this time, it wasn't as slow or teasing. She meant to show me she was determined. Within about 30 seconds, I knew my longevity was in trouble. She was extremely good at giving head. Her mouth left my cock after taking a fair proportion of it down her throat and her saliva hung from her mouth to my cock head, with a considerable amount hanging around my cock.

"Yeah, I make a lot of saliva when I have something in my mouth, sorry."

"Don't be sorry, this is already the best blowjob I've had," I gasped, completely at her mercy.

She sucked on my balls as she stroked my cock, ensuring her saliva made it all the way down. "I'm rusty," she said, which made me laugh out loud. "I should be deepthroating your cock by now."

"Oh my god Holly, this is crazy," I said in amazement.

"Are you okay?"

"Hell yes."

I felt like I was going to die from her every touch but I felt great about it!

"I'm going to make you cum now, strap in," she declared with confidence.

I took her suggestion seriously and gripped the cushions on either side of me. Holly wasn't exaggerating, she really was going at it to make me cum. She started to stroke the lower half of my cock while her mouth licked and sucked the top half. With the way her mouth released her saliva, it coated my cock with the most pleasurable feeling. It was like a wet, sloppy blowjob that never got messy. I felt myself starting to come.

"I'm going to cum baby."

Holly's eyes widened in excitement and she kept sucking. When I felt my balls start to boil and my cum start to climb to the surface, it took all my effort not to thrust my hips upwards. Holly knew it was coming and seconds before I was about to cum, she pushed my cock into her throat and I spasmed down it.

I'd never had that happen to me before and I was loud about it. "HOLY FUCK, OH MY GOD!" I wasn't even trying to downplay it, Holly was giving me the best sexual experience I'd ever had.

She had to pull my cock from her throat while I was still cumming but kept me in her mouth until she needed to breathe and cough. "Holy fuck Holly, that was the best I've ever had," I expressed in amazement.

Holly calmed down and smiled at me. "I'm so glad," she said genuinely. She laid her head on my stomach, her hair had amazingly stayed in its ponytail. "I'm going to go and wash my mouth out so we can kiss," she said, making a move to stand up.

I took hold of her gently but firmly, pulling her towards me as I met her in the middle. I kissed her and then stuck my tongue against her lips, requesting entry. She let me, eyes wide and then melted into our kiss. We kissed for so long my soft cock started to get hard again and I'd long since lost the taste of my salty cum that was in her mouth.

Holly broke away, looking at me in amazement. "Nobody has ever kissed me afterwards," she said.

"They're idiots," I said simply and kissed her with my tongue again, to reinforce the point.

"I'm so wet," she whispered.

My heart leapt. "Can I?" I left the question hanging there.

To my disappointment, she shook her head. "I'm not ready for you to be that close to... you know, my thighs."

There was shame there and I tried not to let it get to me. This wouldn't be an overnight recovery. I nodded in understanding.

"Would you mind if I went to the bathroom and... sorted myself out?"

The implication was clear and I was delighted about it, even though I wanted to be the one to do it. "Of course, I'll turn the tv up so you have some privacy."

She looked at me full of emotion. "Why didn't they make one of you in America?"

I laughed but said nothing to that. Holly turned away and went to my bathroom (she had already critiqued the lack of bath and preferred me to call it a 'shower room'). Before she closed it she looked at me intensely, taking me in.

She emerged about 15 minutes later, her hair wet from what must have been a quick shower. During that time I'd got out some old clothes for her and made up the sofa.

"I forgot how good orgasms were," she announced upon exiting the bathroom.

"You just gave me the best one I ever had, so I'm not sure my memory is the same," I quipped.

She came over and got my spare clothes, walking back towards the bathroom.

"Holly," she turned around, holding her towel up as she did. "It's okay if this is a no or it's too soon, but maybe it would be a good idea for you to leave a toothbrush and a change of clothes around here?"

She smiled brightly. "Deal."

When she emerged from the bathroom again in my spare shorts and an England top, I pointed to it, "you'll be playing for them again in no time," I said.

"I hope so, the restraining order expires soon and they said they wouldn't pick me while I had one so..." Holly let it hang there, thoughts on the upcoming European Championships in the summer.

When she noticed I had got the sheets out and planned to sleep on the sofa, she was hearing none of it. We slept in bed together that night. Holly pushed her body as close to me as she could and curled into me as a little spoon.

"If you snore in my ear, I'll fucking kill you," she joked. Or said seriously, depending on my snoring pattern.

"I don't snore but then I haven't broken my nose, so perhaps I need to turn that comment onto you," I teased, letting her know I had followed her time in America and had seen the nasty clash of heads during one of her games.

"I do snore," she admitted.

"Fuck, you're lucky I love you." I said it before I knew what I'd said. We both stopped and became very still for a good minute. I was unwilling and frankly, unable, to take it back.

Holly took my hand and kissed it. Her cheeks felt very wet.

"I'm not saying it back until I start to feel the same about myself," she said quietly.

I kissed the back of her head and said nothing else.

"These shorts keep falling down, you must have good birthing hips," she quipped.

It took her almost a month until she stopped sleeping in shorts around me. When she did, her cuts were almost healed and they joined the rest of the scars from many years before.

***

Holly practically moved in in anything but name the next evening. She brought over a big black suitcase full of 'overnight stuff'. There was so much that I abandoned giving her just a drawer and gave her some wardrobe space too.

"If you wanted to move in, you should have just said."

"Ha, if you want me to move in, you should ask."

"Do you want me to ask?" I asked, tiptoeing around her sizeable hint and throwing it back at her.

"Not yet, let's not put more pressure on us."

"Deal," I replied reassuringly, my hopes secretly dashed.

We spent the evening discussing how we were going to make it work and how open we were going to be. "I'm not going to hide it," Holly said firmly. "Can you handle the press?" She winked.

"I'll just wheel you out to kick their arse if it gets too difficult."

The next morning Holly took my 'shitty Hyundai' with me to training. We stopped to pick up Georgia on the way. "Holy shit," she said when she saw us standing outside the car waiting for her. "You two are..."

"Considering I give you a lift every day," I said, "Holly and I agreed it would be too much of a fuss to hide her in the boot."

Holly took the back seat and let Georgia sit up top. "This is your ride, I'm just gatecrashing," she said, handing Georgia her coffee that she'd bought that morning. "I'm hoping we can become friends. Tom tells me you want to get into communications or press for one of the Men's teams. I can help you if you want. I know some people."

Holly went out of her way to befriend Georgia, which was entirely for my benefit, even offering to give her an exclusive interview at some point in the future about some of the topics she never discussed - namely, her health, anxiety and depression, which was aligned to Georgia's interests since her days of doing her dissertation at University.

Later that day, we were periodically interrupted by various members of the team sticking their heads into the office and looking at me giggling. "No fucking way, you and Holly!" became the frequent comment.

We didn't have to worry about a press leak, I was our press at the club and none of the team was going to risk Holly's happiness - if nothing else than because she took it to another level in training over the next few days. It was only when I watched her a couple of days later did I realise that she was simply going through the motions over the last few months. That was Holly Dane going through the motions. We were all in awe when we saw her take it up another level. Alf, the only person at the club who was unaware, genuinely questioned if she was on performance-enhancing drugs.

When matchday arrived, I again took my seat near the tunnel as it was a home game. Holly took her position at Centre Back and looked right at me almost until the whistle blew. The stare was so intense I felt myself going red.

"What was that stare about?" I asked after the game where we run out 2-0 winners.

"I was reminding myself how good my life can be, if I let it. I have something to get up for on the pitch now," she said with feeling.

"As opposed to just stubbornness?" I choked out in response, deeply touched. We both laughed, coming together in a close embrace.

At half-time, Holly's Mum made her way over. "Hi Tom," she said, extending a hand. "We should have met years ago, shouldn't we?"

"Hi Sylvia," I replied, taking her hand and smiling warmly. "Hi Charlotte, Amelia," I added, shaking theirs too. "I've heard so much about you."

All three of them laughed at my courtesy. "You're all we heard about for years," Charlotte said with a chuckle.

"Oh is that so?" I said with a smirk. "You're welcome to join me and tell me everything," I offered.

They did indeed join me. When Holly emerged from the changing room for the second half and saw us sitting together, it was the only time in the whole game that she appeared flustered.

The 5 of us went out to dinner after the game. I tried to make an excuse on Holly's behalf as I knew she wasn't ready to be out in public yet, especially not at a meal, but her family were insistent and it would have raised questions if we made too big a deal of it. Holly did a good job hiding her bruises but to be truthful, it was getting better, the derby day aside. Holly picked a side salad as her main course and I immediately sensed the danger when I saw Sylvia's face.