Broken Defence

I always kept a first aid kit in my car in case it was needed during a game. It never was, we'd moved up the divisions and actually had proper medical equipment now, but it was an old habit that I was grateful for at that moment.

When I returned, Holly was still in the same place and was just sobbing quietly. She looked up when I returned, relief evident but also real fear. "I'm in a bad way Tom," she said quietly.

"With your hand or everything? Dumb question but I need to check. Blood loss and all that."

She laughed but it was more in a humourless way. She watched as I got the stuff out of the kit so I could clean and wrap her wound. "Everything," she whispered. It was such a while later, that I almost forgot what I asked.

"I promise I'm here for you Hollywood."

I dabbed at her wound before running alcohol wipes over the area. Holly gasped but otherwise kept quiet. I ran a bandage around her hand and tied it up. That would have to do.

"I don't want to make you hate me anymore. I can't do it, it's too much pain," she trembled, her vulnerability finally creating a space for honesty.

"Holly, I don't hate you and nothing you can do would make me hate you, so you've been wasting your time," I insisted. I put a reassuring arm around her and she let me. It was the first intimate touch we'd had since she returned and I saw her physically relax into it.

"If you were in my head you'd hate me," she whispered. "I hate me."

I gulped. "How have you hidden all of this from the medical team?" I kept my tone even but I was angry. They should have seen this.

"They know. About the weight loss and the appetite. They want me to see a therapist." Holly spoke about it mechanically, and clinically. "They don't know about the other stuff, only you've ever known about that."

I paused my questioning and focused on checking the bandage around her hand was doing its job. "That's deep enough to need stitches, I'm going to need to take you to the hospital."

Holly looked at me like I was mad. "Have you seen the state of me? I can't go to the hospital like this. What if a kid wants a picture and the press gets hold of it? How's that going to look? I can see the headlines: 'Dane in a daze after breakup' or 'Holly has a breakdown after fleeing her ex'."

"It's been months Holly, nobody will care for a headline like that. It's old news!" I reassured her.

"Yeah?" said Holly in response, her eyes wild. "Go on my Instagram and have a look at the private messages. Tell me then that everyone has forgotten. Or the porn sites all over the web that still won't take it down. See how many views it gets daily. Or what some of the players say when they're crunching me on the grass."

"I don't want to," I said firmly. Right then, I started to get an idea of how bad it was for her.

She unlocked her phone and got Instagram up before handing it to me. "Look at it," she demanded painfully but forcefully. I scrolled through tons of messages including screen grabs of the video. Some made my skin crawl. I looked at the date stamp. "This is only since Saturday?! Do you... do you read them all?"

Holly gave a small nod. I looked at her only inches away from me and saw the fear in her. "I won't show you the emails and other social media if you're looking like that just from Instagram."

I opened and closed my mouth, trying to find words.

"Do you see why I can't go to the hospital looking like this?"

I hated that she was right. I hated why she was right, but she was. If those headlines came true, I wasn't sure if she could get through it, even with my support. Which I wasn't yet sure she was going to continue to want after tonight.

"How about putting some makeup on then and brushing your hair?"

Holly held up her bandaged hand. "Yeah, doing it left-handed would look great. It'd be as bad as you doing it."

"Well, that throws my next suggestion out of the window," I joked.

Holly laughed, actually laughed at that. It warmed my heart more than I could say, especially after reading those messages.

I thought over alternative suggestions, taking into consideration her hand and landed on one that seemed the most feasible but I was most hesitant about. "What about if I help you have a bath?" I said, not feeling great about the idea.

"Trust me, Tom, you don't want to see me naked right now."

It wasn't a flat-out 'no' which meant Holly knew it was the best option too. "I promise to be as appropriate as possible, I'll try not to look at anything you don't want me to see." I wasn't talking about her private areas.

Holly sighed and nodded. "Bathroom's that way," she said, pointing to her left. "I'm going to go and get some clothes." I watched her go and then took the direction she instructed. By the time she came back in, I was running her a warm bath which was rising rapidly. The plumbing definitely was something to brag about in the building.

"Let me know when you're ready to take your clothes off and I'll turn away." I carried on messing with the taps to get the temperature right for her.

"I think I'd like you to see what I look like now so it's over with before you see me in the bath. I'll tell you when to turn around, just don't make a fuss, okay?"

"Okay," I said, looking into the bath and seeing my reflection. The bubbles in the bath didn't help but I already felt I looked paler and I had a pit in my stomach.

I could hear Holly taking her clothes off slowly, broken by the occasional sigh of pain. "You're going to need to tell me which bruises really hurt so I know to try and avoid them."

"It won't be hard to tell," she said.

There was a pause and then she sighed. "I've had so many nightmares about you seeing me like this over the last few months and how you'd react. How you'd no longer see the person you knew and instead you'd see the dirty whore everyone says I am. The idea of you thinking that about me..." she trailed off.

The silence reminded me that my hand was still in the water, heat rising. I turned the cold water on, trying to find words, any words.

"Now here we are and I feel strangely calm," she continued. "I guess I've just realised this second that not even you can like me if I don't like myself."

I smiled and had to breathe myself through some tears. "Okay, bath's ready," I said, voice catching. "Am I okay to turn around?" I couldn't respond to what she'd said or I'd break and I was trying to be strong for Holly.

"Yeah, just don't stare please."

I turned around with my eyes aiming for where I knew her voice to be. Holly stood to the side and was looking down at the floor between us, unable to look me in the eye. I held out my hand, my eyes still looking at her unfocused hazel ones and brought her over to the bath ahead of me. She leaned over the bath to check the temperature and I saw a large bruise over her kidney which I hadn't seen from my angle the other day. Her bum also had bruising from the number of falls she had been taking.

"Stop checking out my ass," she said. I could hear the playfulness in her voice, and the slight growth in confidence.

"Guilty," I lied.

She got in slowly and I helped her in, which gave me a view of her front as she sat down. I'd seen most of it the other day, the only thing that was hard to ignore was her small, pointed nipples, which hadn't changed at all. I bypassed the cuts over her inner thighs which were red raw and considerable.

I squeezed a cloth and soaped it up, setting about gently washing her. I worked my way from her (good) hand to her shoulders, neck and back the other way. Then I gently did her back, being extra careful with her bruises. By the time I got to her front, she was leaning back against the bath and her eyes were closed. They opened slowly and watched me clean her breasts and then her stomach.

"Maybe you should do the next bit but I'd like to do your legs if that's okay. They need taking care of as they're worth so much," I joked.

Holly gasped a little as she got to her thighs. "I've got some cream in the first aid kit that may help," I said gently. She nodded, focused on gentle tapping at the cuts with the cloth. I looked away before she looked up and handed me the cloth again. I continued washing her legs clean and then I got to her feet and did the same.

"Now I get to wash your hair," I said, a little too excitedly.

"Why do I get the feeling you're enjoying this?"

"That would be because I am. Your hair is magic to me, always has been."

"Why?" Holly said with a laugh. "It's just hair!"

"I know that but you're the only blonde woman I've ever really fancied."

Holly looked up at me as I was talking and then shook her head. "I don't understand why you're still being so nice to me. I've done everything I could to push you away. It has nearly killed me doing it but I did it so you wouldn't have to do this," she said, indicating the situation with an expression of deep sadness.

"You know why Holly," I said gently.

Silence fell between us and for the first time in a long time, it wasn't uncomfortable. "Tom, would it completely kill the mood if I asked you to kiss me? Just on the lips."

I hesitated for a brief moment and then I leaned over without replying and kissed Holly gently. Our lips caught each other's and connected perfectly. I felt the spark immediately. It had never gone, it couldn't have if it felt this strongly already. I closed my eyes and Holly did the same. When we broke apart, neither of us opened our eyes for a few seconds, taking it in.

I carried on with my original task with renewed hope, moving to her hair which I washed using the showerhead connected to the bath. I helped Holly out and wrapped her tightly in a huge towel then got another for her hair.

"We really should get to the hospital soon," I pointed out.

I drove her there in my car, after assuring her I'd be fine to go. "There's a difference between going to a hospital and being triggered by people who are dying and taking you to get your hand stitched up," I said.

We sat in the car in silence, just the radio for company. It didn't bother me at all as I knew Holly was deep in thought. I was too, given everything that had happened and I didn't have half as much going on. The hospital had us fill out some forms and then we took a seat ready to wait a few hours.

"Would you mind going to get me some coffee?" Holly asked.

"Sure, a cappuccino?" I teased.

It made Holly smile and I left her without needing a reply. When I returned with a coffee each she took it with thanks and kept her phone open on the home screen on her lap.

"Whatcha doing?" I asked, trying to play it cool but worried she had started to read more messages on Instagram.

Holly took a sip and let out a deep sigh of contentment. "I should have asked you to get me a cake," she said longingly.

"Well let me go back," I said, already jumping up. I could already see her coming back to life now she'd decided to let me in.

"Do you mind? It's nice to feel hungry again."

"Not in the slightest Hollywood."

"Thanks, Tom," she said quietly.

"You're not calling me Tank anymore," I noted.

She smiled sadly. "I've realised I'll need to let go of some of the old things, Tom. Some of the old parts of me or I'm never going to move forward with my life. You were Tank when I was a different person. I'm not that person and I can't be anymore. I need to accept that and stop taking it out on you."

"Would it help if I stop calling you Hollywood? I can think of a better nickname?"

"Yeah, I'd like that, it was always a bit shit anyway." Her smile had reached her hazel eyes and it was a beautiful sight.

I chuckled and went off again. I bought Holly four different cake and cookie options as I had no idea what she wanted anymore. I saw that she picked the oatmeal and raisin cookie when I returned and made a mental note for future reference.

We left the hospital after midnight and I was exhausted as was Holly, her palm and fingers now properly stitched and bandaged. Holly offered me her couch to save me the drive home. I took the offer and set an early alarm so I could get home and change. Holly had to give me one of her own pillows to sleep on before she went to sleep as she had no spare ones. I shook my head in a jokey way and left her to go to sleep.

As tired as I was, I struggled to get my brain to rest, as I replayed almost every moment of the evening and tried to interpret what it meant. Holly crept by in the middle of the night to use the bathroom while I pretended to be asleep. I saw her pause on the way back through at the kitchen island and then turn around to look at me. It was too dark to see her face properly and then she was gone.

I awoke the next morning at the sound of my alarm and I jumped up quickly, wanting Holly to get as much sleep as possible. I tried to tidy up a little bit, as quietly as I could. I wasn't necessarily a neat freak but experience had taught me it becomes very quick to be overwhelmed again after you turn the hypothetical corner. I didn't want Holly to walk out of her bedroom and see chaos. It was when I was putting the plates in the dishwasher that I saw Holly had written a note out for me on the counter during the night.

Tom,

You'll never know how much you did for me today. I'm still in a bad way but knowing you still won't give up on me makes all the difference.

Holly

I re-read her note multiple times and debated taking it with me. But it felt better knowing it would stay with her. I wrote a message underneath it.

Holly,

You're the bravest woman I know. You never stay down, it's who you are. I'll be here to watch you get back up again.

Tom x

P.s Call me sometime, you have my number.

I picked Georgia up a couple of hours later with two large coffees in the holders. "What's the occasion?" Georgia eyed me suspiciously. "Ew, you've had a girl over."

I laughed loudly. "Nope, but good luck getting that image out of your head."

We drove in silence for a while until I had a brainwave. "Do me a favour, message Alf and get him to come in and talk some pictures of Holly for your social media posts."

"We're not sure she'll be in, are we?"

"She'll be there," I said confidently.

Sure enough, Holly was on the training pitch when I walked down the corridor and looked across the field through the gallery window. She looked to be taking part in a possession drill and was going in with full intensity. She looked focused. When the drill broke down, she had a conversation with her training partners and then went to do some keepie uppies to the slide, tongue pressed against her cheek in concentration. Alf was on the edge of the field snapping away. I walked back to my office with a wide smile.

Holly caught me on her way to the car park after training. By that, I mean that I made sure I was hanging around at the right time 'by pure coincidence'. Holly went to hug me and then stopped herself, aware of where she was and I guess not quite ready to have to answer questions.

"I saw your note," she said, fiddling with the strap of her bag. "Do you want to hang out later?"

"Sure," I said, not about to play it cool. "Why don't you come over to my house, if you're comfortable with that?"

"Tom, I'm very comfortable with you, so yes, I look forward to seeing your bachelor pad. I'll message you in a little bit so you can text me your address. I have some things to do this afternoon and I expect it's going to make you quite busy so I'll bring some beers with me to apologise."

"Wait, what? What are you gonna do?" I asked to her retreating back. She just pulled up the hood of her grey hoodie and kept walking.

It was just after lunch when Georgia discovered why I was going to be busy. "Erm Tom, I just tried to tag Holly in these pictures and she's deleted her accounts, Facebook and Instagram."

Work-Tom groaned but the Tom who was in love with Holly wanted to punch the air in celebration. "Oh great," I said, playing it cool by relying on my sarcasm. "So glad she didn't tell us, I'm sure she'd hate knowing she'd just killed our afternoon."

As expected, we got calls from the press trying to dig for a story. "Has she been suspended by the club?", "Is this to do with the video?"

I downplayed it all and eventually managed to quieten down the questions enough for us to leave. Georgia had kept an eye on social media and reported any posts that contained some of the more offensive comments. Holly had messaged me earlier in the day with a cute little emoji and an apology. She was coming over just after rush hour had died down which gave me some time to clean up.

When she arrived I got a proper hug and a very quick kiss on the cheek that Holly looked extremely embarrassed about. I glossed over it, not intending to make her feel bad about anything while she was around me. I gave her a little tour which didn't take long and then invited her to sit down while I cracked open a couple of the San Miguels she had brought over. "You still drink them, right?"

"How do you remember that?!" I replied.

She didn't answer, just clicked my bottle.

"How bad was it today?" Holly asked, pointing toward her phone.

I chuckled. "You've created quite a stir. I had to let Caroline know in case she started getting calls about a falling out."

"She knows, I told her I was going to do it and I've asked to be put in touch with a therapist. I need to face my shit, not run from it or else use you as one."

"I don't mind Holly, whatever you need," I said, genuinely.

"Na, you've heard enough. Besides, I have other uses for you," she said with a wink. I felt my pulse quicken.

"My my, is Holly Dane flirting with me?"

"It's less sexy when you refer to me in the 3rd person like that," she quipped.

She paused and then looked me in the eyes, trapping me in her hazel. "What were the comments like?"

I knew what she meant. "They were fine," I somewhat lied. "Not as bad as you think."

She nodded but didn't buy it, as far as I could see. "Have you watched the video? Be honest with me."

Well, that's a mood killer, I thought. This wasn't something I could lie about to save her feelings. If she caught me out on this one, it wouldn't be easily forgotten.

"Yes but not for... pleasure," I said, somewhat awkwardly, refusing to look at her. "I was making sure I wasn't about to see one of my team in it."

"I hate that you saw it."

I didn't have anything to say so I didn't say anything. "Does it bother you that I had a lot of sex when I moved to America?" Quite the contrast from our initial conversations about sex all those years ago.

I took a sip of beer, thinking about it. "No, it doesn't bother me. Don't get me wrong, I don't love what I picture when I think about that but it was always a possibility that you'd do it after investing so much in me and that falling apart as it did."

"You knew, didn't you? In the pub, when I broke up with you." Holly kicked her trainers off and crossed her legs on the sofa, positioning herself in the corner of one side, facing me.

"I like that you're making yourself comfortable," I said with a smile, finally turning to look at her and not staring ahead at the tv. "And yes, I knew."

"You've always been able to see into me, I've never known anyone to be able to do that as you do."

"Not even your exes?" I recklessly asked, immediately not wanting to know the answer.

Holly didn't hide her surprise at my question. "No, they always saw what I've wanted them to see. They all liked versions of me, some of them liked the same version. Lucas liked the housewife version in company and the slut in private. Or, what was in private."

She took a long swig of beer and took a lot of the bottle with it. I pushed the crisps and nuts I'd put out towards her and she took a couple in her hand. It was a better answer than I thought, in a way. The conversation was awkward but felt necessary to clear the air.