Broken Trust on the Homefront

"Thanks, guys." My gratitude was heartfelt, their support grounding me in the midst of chaos. I took a deep breath, attempting to let go of the turmoil, even just for the night. The bartender finally turned her attention to me, and I was taken aback by her presence.

She stood before me, a vision of beauty that momentarily stole my breath away. Caramel-colored skin, dark brown eyes that held a warmth like a beautiful oak tree, and black hair cascading past her shoulders. My subconscious appraisal of her appearance startled me, as I compared her features to Jennifer's. She was striking, her allure different yet undeniable.

"Hey, what can I get you?" Her smile was welcoming, and for a moment, I was lost in her presence until Morten snapped me out of my daze, reality crashing back.

"Hey, she's talking to you. Excuse my moron," Morten's words were accompanied by a playful smack to my head, causing a flush of embarrassment to color my cheeks.

"Uh... so-sorry. Rough day," I stammered, my attempt at normalcy sounding shaky.

She chuckled, a sound that was like a balm to my frayed nerves. "It happens to everyone! Now, what can I get you?"

I leaned back in the barstool, attempting to regain my composure. "I'll try an AMF, why not?"

Pyler and Morten exchanged surprised glances, concern evident in their expressions. "You good, bro?"

A wry smile tugged at my lips as I considered the evening's purpose. "I'm here to get fucked up, right? I'll get fucked up tonight."

We spent the night in the bar, a haze of laughter, camaraderie, and alcohol. Morten and Pyler eventually bid their farewells, leaving me to continue drinking. The bar emptied out slowly, time slipping away as I downed AMFs, the alcohol becoming a temporary refuge from my turbulent emotions. "I'll have another, ma'am," I requested, my voice laced with a mix of melancholy and numbness.

She looked at me with a kind gaze, an understanding that went beyond the surface. "Hey, this is your last one, okay?"

Protesting briefly, my argument dissolved in the face of her words. "I know, but you're a sweet guy. Drinking won't solve the buried issues at hand." Her response struck a chord within me, piercing through the alcohol-induced fog and sobering me further.

With her guidance, I acknowledged the deeper struggles that had driven me to this point. As she prepared my last drink, my eyes unwittingly strayed to her form once more. I couldn't deny the attraction, the recognition that she was different from Jennifer in more ways than one.

Returning with the drink, she leaned over the bar, her presence comforting as I found myself sharing my inner turmoil. Her gaze held an empathetic warmth that made my heart ease, even if just a little. "Well, take your time, soldier. My name is Tally."

I repeated her name in my mind, a soothing mantra that replaced the chaotic whirl of thoughts. "I'm Robert, friends of the guys who dropped me off."

Tally's words held a sense of intrigue, a genuine curiosity about me. "They told me you were special; I can see why." We continued to converse, the weight of my situation lightened by her presence and the genuine connection we were forging.

The night drew to a close, and as the bar emptied, Tally and I departed together. I waited to ensure she reached her vehicle safely, a gesture that earned a smile from her. "Are you able to get home?"

I nodded, my heart warmed by her concern. "I live nearby, won't be that difficult." My words faltered as I attempted to ask something more, my embarrassment palpable.

She chuckled softly, a sound that resonated with a genuine fondness. "When are you...?" The unspoken question hung in the air, a gentle reminder that even in the midst of chaos, connection could be found.

"I'll be around, Robert. Don't worry," Tally's reassuring words accompanied her departure. I watched her car fade into the distance, a mix of emotions swirling within me. It was a fleeting encounter, yet one that had left a mark. I smiled and waved back, feeling a connection that transcended the events of the night. Eventually, I stumbled my way back to the house, the alcohol's effects evident in my unsteady steps. I was tipsy, not fully drunk -- a conscious choice in my state of mind.

Upon reaching home, exhaustion hit me like a brick wall. I collapsed onto the couch face-first, succumbing to the pull of sleep.

Yet, the respite was short-lived. Nightmares clawed their way into my slumber, plunging me back into the fiery chaos of combat. I awoke with a start, my breathing ragged and my body drenched in sweat. Beside me, Jennifer was getting up for her morning routine, unaware of the turmoil that had engulfed my dreams.

Distress etched deeply into my features, I struggled to regain control over my emotions. Jennifer's concern was evident as she stopped in her tracks, her voice laden with a mix of worry and frustration. "Robert... what's going on? You say you're fine for months, but every night you're screaming in your sleep."

My attempt to respond faltered, my voice failing me in the face of the overwhelming memories that had resurfaced. Tears welled in my eyes, and I gripped the sides of my head, as if that could hold back the flood of emotions threatening to drown me. I wanted to open up, to let her in, but the weight of the memories, the fear of vulnerability, held me captive.

"I... I..." I stammered, my throat constricting with a mixture of pain and frustration. My words remained trapped, my voice reduced to a mere whisper. Jennifer's concern pushed through my walls, her touch a lifeline even in the midst of my emotional turmoil. I couldn't deny the bond we had, even as I grappled with my doubts and insecurities.

Desperation welled up within me, and despite everything, I found myself reaching out to her. Her presence offered a sliver of solace amidst the chaos. "Jennifer, please..." My voice wavered, the plea a raw testament to the inner battles I was fighting. It was time to confront the demons that had haunted me for far too long.

I opened my mouth, my eyes squeezed shut as if I could block out the memories by shutting them out. The air entered my lungs, and I exhaled, releasing the weight that had burdened me for so long. "I killed people, Jen." My admission hung heavily in the air, the truth I had hidden away finally breaking free. Jennifer blinked, her gaze locked onto mine as my confession settled between us.

"We were engaged by an ambush that lasted for hours... I went on a flanking mission with Williams. We turned a corner by a canal and spotted a group trying to move up on us. I mowed them down, four human beings. Then, we moved into a village. A woman drew a gun on me. She shot, missed. I didn't miss."

Running my hands over my face, I felt the raw intensity of the memories resurface, the pain and guilt woven into each word. "I blew her throat open, and she died next to her husband, only to find out she shot Williams instead of me!" My voice cracked as I shouted the last words, my clenched fists betraying the anger that had been suppressed for far too long. "Why?!" I demanded, a fierce anger directed at the universe.

Jennifer shifted away from me, a mix of shock and distress on her face. The truth was out now, the darkness that I had kept hidden laid bare before her. She paced to the door, her frustration palpable as she turned to face me. Her voice held a mix of concern and exasperation. "You need some fucking help. You're going to get yourself hurt if you keep this buried! I should've known, why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I thought you'd push me away..." I muttered, my voice barely above a whisper, the tears streaming down my face a testament to the pain I had been carrying.

"God damn it, Robert," she retorted, her own emotions rising to the surface. She pushed herself up, her anger and disappointment evident in her stance. She paced towards the door again, her frustration boiling over. "You've pushed yourself away from me! I wanted my boyfriend back, but you aren't him anymore! What happened to my boyfriend?"

The anger within me surged, a mixture of vulnerability and frustration. I needed her understanding, her support, yet it felt like I was being chastised for sharing my pain. I stood up, facing her head-on. "Which, me or your gym friend you brought over to our house?"

Jen's eyes widened, aghast at my words. "How fucking dare you, Robert? You're sick! You need some serious help!" She swung the door open and slammed it shut behind her, leaving me alone in the house, the echoes of our confrontation reverberating through the empty space.

"That stupid bitch!" I screamed out and grabbed a pillow, throwing the pillow somewhere in the room. I stood in my position for a moment while I caught myself in the middle of my rage. I gathered my stuff quickly and stepped outside. I walked the city, no clue which direction I was going. I was infuriated, how dare Jennifer say I was sick?

I kept my head down as I somehow passed a bookstore; I raised my head looking back up at the sign. I shrugged, deciding to head inside. As I opened the door, I was met with silence and a warming environment. I began to walk around the store, looking at all the titles as I was once an avid reader, and maybe that would change my mind on everything. I paused as one title caught my mind and I reached for the book, Rot and Ruin. I was a huge fan of zombie stuff and post-apocalyptic life usually caught my eyes from time to time.

I grabbed the book and sat down at a nearby table as I started to dig into the book, which immediately grabbed and yanked my attention. Until I heard a voice calling my name.

"Robert, is that you?" I looked up and Tally was standing next to me.

I smiled, "Oh hey Tally!"

"Is this seat taken?" She pointed next to me, and I shook my head. She smiled and sat down next to me. "I didn't know you were a literature guy."

"What can I say, I'm just an average guy after all." I chuckled as she smiled again. I love seeing her smile more than anything in this fucked world.

"So, what brings you here?" I immediately frowned.

I scratched my head and shook my head, trying to change the topic immediately. "Do you work tonight?"

"Well yeah, it is a Saturday."

"I'll... tell you then, okay?"

"Do you promise?" She leaned in slightly.

I nodded and held up my hand. "I, Robert Gerhart, promise."

The rest of the time was small talk as Tally and I talked about the details of our lives. She was in college, studying behavioral health. Seemed very cliché but she was more passionate about it than Jen was. She was slightly older than me by eight months and it seemed to me we clicked. I told her I thought about doing college, I just didn't know what to study. That was the main reason I never went to college in the first place.

After a few hours, she yawned, "I gotta get back to my place and get ready for work. Promise me you'll stop by?"

"I already made a promise to tell you about what's bugging me. I'll be there." I smiled reassuringly.

She smiled and got up from her chair, "I'll see you then."

Genuinely happy, I rose from my chair and bought the book series. I thanked the cashier and began to walk home. As I entered the apartment, I felt strange as if I was walking back into the scene of a crime. I exhaled as I sat down on the couch and started to read the first book, picking off where I last was at.

The door opened and Jen walked in without saying a word to me. I glanced up, but we didn't bother to make eye contact. I knew I had lost Jen when I boarded that plane to deploy so I didn't bother as the words of Pyler kept echoing in my bed. Career over personal matters, and the Army meant a lot to me right now. I was probably overthinking everything and I just shook my head.

Finally, the time came for me as I got dressed and left the house without saying a word. It was normally that way whenever we'd fight which was quite seldomly, until now. The depression of her words sunk in as I began to question myself. Am I really sick? I closed my eyes as I continued to walk further down the street. I opened my eyes, seeing I had arrived at the bar. I shook my head to clear the negative thoughts as I stepped into the building. Tally was working behind the bar and glanced up seeing me and her smile warmed my core immediately, "Robert, you made it!"

"Told you I would." I smiled in return. I sat down at the bar as the crowded place picked up as everyone continued to enjoy their nights. I glanced at my phone, seeing a missed call and a few texts.

Jen: We need to talk Robert. I know that I lashed out, but you need help. You aren't the same anymore and I just... can't deal with that right now. Please talk to me, please Robert.

I closed my phone immediately without checking the rest of my messages. My mood soured immediately as doubts rushed through my mind. I am becoming a monster, aren't I? I never was this angry, I hate to admit it but most of my thoughts recently drifted to saving Halland. Could I have saved him? Could I have done anything differently? What about Williams, he's wounded because I didn't take that shot sooner. I blamed myself every day.

"You okay?" Tally's voice snapped me out of my mind as I glanced up with wounded eyes at her. Her eyebrows raised slightly, realizing I was in distress. I glanced away quickly attempting to hide my pain and nodded my head slightly. Tally shook her head, "I know that's bullshit Robert but I won't pry you for it."

She slid a piece of paper to me, and I tucked it in my pocket. I shook my head, "I'm sorry Tally. I just... can't be here right now."

Tally's eyes filled with sadness immediately, "It'll be okay Robert. You don't need to be sorry." I couldn't see her eyes as I couldn't bear to look at anyone. I pushed myself out of the seat and walked back outside. No one was on the streets, traffic was almost non-existent as I kept my head lowered until I returned to the apartment.

Jen was on the couch, waiting for me as I entered the apartment. I raised my head as she blinked, staring at me. "We need to talk Robert."

"I saw."

Jen paused and her gaze fell to the floor. "What is wrong with you?"

I sat down on the couch and glanced at her. "I... don't know Jen."

"Something clearly is. After you came home, you've been cold, even during sex it's like you're trying to fuck something out of your system! Please, talk to me!"

I closed my eyes tightly as her infidelity flashed in my mind. I mentally swiped those thoughts away, she's probably just confused and working through something. I opened my eyes and opened my mouth. "I am haunted by nightmares Jen. I wake up almost every night in Afghanistan. I can't sleep without screaming. I can't forgive myself for being HERE while Halland is fucking dead!"

Jen took in every little bit of details I told as I continued. "Halland... fucking died in my arms. I got Williams shot because I didn't shoot that fucking woman sooner. Why am I still here while they're dead or living a pained life?! Why am I still here with everything attached! I had a fucking RPG fired at me and I survived! I was shot at, I had every ample opportunity to fucking trade my life for theirs, but I'm still here!" Jen stood up and backed away from me. Pain filled my entire body as raw emotion filled my voice. "I just can't fucking accept it Jen."

Jen stepped away further, turning her back to me as she stepped into our room and closed the door behind her. I just sat there and cried, occasionally punching my thigh as the thoughts slammed into me. How could I be alive while Halland wasn't?

Somehow I drank myself to a drunk calm as I shifted on the couch as I reached into my pocket to grab my phone but I withdrew a piece of paper instead. I narrowed my eyes to read the paper, it was Tally's number. I reached into my other pocket and found my phone as I turned on my device quickly opening my messenger and texted her number.

R: Hey, is this Tally? It's Roubert.

Her text almost came immediately.

Tally: Robert? Omg hi! I was worried you weren't going to text me!

R: Sorry I hasd a long night :(

Tally: Are you okay? Are you drunk?

R: Idk if I'm okay, yeh I'm a litl drrnk.

Tally: Get some rest, okay? I'll check back up on you in the morning.

I closed my phone and drifted to sleep on the couch. I woke up the next morning and continued like any other day, attempting to bury what pain and sorrow I carried. The days just seemed to blur together as Jen and I struggled, there wasn't an easy path to take, and I blamed most of the problems on myself. Following advice from Drill Sergeants, I went out and bought myself a pistol to go stress shoot which seemed to work on taking the edge off everything, but it wasn't enough.

The warmer April day seemed to carry a hint of hope in the air, a promise of renewal. In the midst of building my friendship with Tally, I found myself navigating life as best as I could. Tally had become a source of solace, someone who provided understanding without judgment. While I hadn't divulged all the details of my struggles to her, she had a way of making me feel seen and valued.

Returning home from another day in uniform, I couldn't help but remark to myself, "Survived another week." The weight of my experiences seemed to hang heavy, a reminder of the battles I fought internally while facing the external challenges of life.

Opening the door to my apartment, I immediately sensed that something was amiss. The lights were all off, casting an eerie atmosphere over the space. My eyes landed on an out-of-place object on the table -- a letter. Dread pooled in my stomach as I reached for it, my heart pounding in anticipation and anxiety.

With a heavy sigh, I unfolded the letter and began to read the words that would shatter the fragile stability I had managed to build.

"Robert, this wasn't easy to write, but I'm not going to do this face to face. I'm not that brave to face you. In fact, this was the easier option. I love you, but you aren't the man for me anymore. I'm breaking up with you. Whatever happened to you, I'm sorry it did, but I can't deal with that in my life anymore. I need more positivity and someone who understands me, someone who encourages me to go for my dreams. What we had was just high school love, and it should've ended there. Just heal yourself, please, before you break another heart.

Jen."

The words struck me like a blow to the chest, knocking the air out of my lungs. It felt like the floor had fallen away beneath me, leaving me suspended in a void of heartache and disbelief. Jen's letter echoed with finality, a declaration that the relationship I had held onto had crumbled beyond repair.

Tears welled in my eyes as I clutched the letter in my trembling hand. The weight of her words, the rejection, the dismissal of our shared history -- it all felt like too much to bear. My heart ached, not only for the loss of Jen, but for the crumbling of a foundation that had once given me solace.

As the emotions surged within me, I found myself grappling with the pain of abandonment and the harsh reality that the person I had loved had chosen to walk away.

In my anguish, I crumpled the letter in my hand, a futile attempt to obliterate the painful words that had shattered my world. My fingers trembled as I reached for the bottle of whiskey that sat on the coffee table, uncaring about moderation. Desperation and heartbreak intertwined as I drank, the fiery liquid a temporary refuge from the storm raging within me. Collapsing back onto the couch, I felt my heart splintering, each shard embedding itself deep within my chest.

"Why me!?" I roared, my voice echoing through the room. Rage consumed me, and I unleashed my fury upon the surroundings, toppling furniture and unleashing a chaotic maelstrom. I was consumed by a torrent of emotions -- hurt, anger, and an overwhelming sense of abandonment. Jen's choice to leave felt like a betrayal, a cruel reminder of the fragility of the connections I held dear.