Buried Deep in My Heart

"Any guess as to how long before you get to them?"

"Too soon to tell."

I was giddy. Both alive. Please don't do more damage with your bulldozers. Then there was more waiting.

A couple of hours later we heard his update "Both out safely. They should be here inside thirty minutes."

My eyes were teary "Thank you."

Tatianna and I hugged again. I drained my cell phone letting all the relatives know what had transpired. Nobody had a clue. Everyone knew we went skiing and didn't connect the avalanche with our trip. Now they were all frantic.

I met Jeanette's stretcher and Tatianna did the same with Steve. Both were tear filled reunions. It was after dinner time before we were allowed into their rooms. We spent the first ten minutes clutching each other and whispering 'I love you.'

"Hey babe. How was your weekend?"

"Lots of snow. Yours?"

"Now that you mention it, yeah there were a few snowflakes."

Her giggles were music to my ears. Her kisses were warm and the hugs divine.

"Tatianna and I managed to climb into my car before it hit. How'd the two of you survive?"

"Pure luck. We heard a loud roar and then boom, the chaos ensued. We had just set things down in the kitchen when it hit. I thought I was dead, but when the noise stopped, I realized I'd survived. It was pitch black and I heard Steve groaning. We had about three feet of clearance. We were in a spot about ten by twenty."

"That is lucky. Did you have any food or blankets?"

"A few apples and a floor rug. I thought we were going to starve to death, if we didn't freeze first. All we had were the parkas on our backs and that rug."

"Any injuries?"

"I've got all sorts of small cuts and scratches. Steve twisted his foot really bad."

"How long are they keeping you?"

"At least overnight. Our body temperatures are dangerously low. One nurse said she didn't think we would have made it through another night."

I kissed and hugged Jeanette. They wanted visitors out.

"Well get a good night's sleep. I'm going to get a ride home and grab your car. I'll take your clothes and bring you back a fresh set."

Jeanette nodded her head yes but then, almost in a panic, pleaded "Dale, just leave them. I don't want a reminder of this. I'll throw them away."

Her hands were reaching for the bag I was holding.

"Really Jeanette, it's not a problem. You'll never remember that these were the clothes you were wearing. They're practically new. I got it."

"Dale, just give them to me. Please."

"Get some sleep. I'll see you in the morning."

"DALE, GIVE ME THE DAMN BAG!"

"Jeanette, you're all wound up. Get some sleep. I'll see you in the morning."

I think if she could have gotten up, she would have charged at me. Weird.

+ + + +

I figured if I was being shown out that Tatianna would be too. I waited for her. Sure enough, the elevator dumped her into the lobby.

"How is he?"

"A big baby. I swear he has no tolerance for anything unpredictable. How's Jeanette?"

"Pretty good I guess. She freaked out when I told her I was taking her clothes home. She just wanted to throw them away to erase the memory of this ordeal."

"Different strokes for different folks. Seems really odd."

"It's almost like she didn't want me to see them."

"I agree. Did you?"

"Did I what?"

"Leave the clothes."

"No, they're here in the bag."

"Can I?"

Tatianna took a peek. The look on her face changed immediately. Her eyes were wild.

"That bastard! They had sex. Look at her pants. They're still fucking gooey. There's a lot more here than one time. I'm going to kill him."

Tatianna dropped the bag and headed to the stairs. The door slammed behind her. I stood there dazed. How could she? She's not acting like she was raped. I slumped in the chairs. My heart was breaking and my eyes were misting. Rage was beginning to control me.

Ten minutes later security escorted Tatianna back into the lobby. One of the guards stood about ten feet away and warned her to behave or he would toss her out.

"He said they thought they were going to die. He wouldn't tell me how many times. He said 'A few.'"

"We thought we were going to die, and we didn't. What the hell?"

I wanted to hit something. I couldn't ever remember being so mad. After standing silently for a minute, the tears were starting to trickle down our cheeks.

My phone buzzed. I checked the alert. "I've got a UBER ride showing up in two minutes. You can ride to my house and I'll drive you to your place."

"Okay" was spoken quietly through her tears.

It was an awkward hour. Both of us were hurting. When I pulled into her driveway, Tatianna leaned over and kissed me on the cheek.

"Hang in there Dale."

"You too Tatianna. Thanks for a fun weekend."

A smile broke through the tears "One I'll always remember."

My drive home was sad. My emotions were all over the board. Kill her, hug her, leave her, forgive her, and finally ask her 'Why?'

Sleep didn't come easily. I went through the motions in the morning. What day was this? My phone said Monday. Aww crap, I'm supposed to be at work in thirty minutes. Grabbing some drive thru food, I stopped in at my office. After explaining my weekend, I was given today and tomorrow off. I went back home.

Rummaging through Jeanette's clothes, I grabbed some sweats and appropriate undergarments. Then my rage took over. Fucking bitch. I went looking again. Last Halloween she'd worn a stripper's outfit. I found it, and a lacy thong. After grabbing her four inch heels, I spoke to the walls 'She can wear this home.'

Since I had her drawers open, I decided to move her stuff into the office bedroom. She can figure out how to move things around so that the sleeper sofa can extend. Back to our bedroom, I gathered up the obvious women's bathroom supplies, filled the trash can with them, and then set the trash can in with her clothes.

+ + + +

It took me a while to find the courage to enter Jeanette's room. Her parents and sister were fawning over her. Jeanette's eyes were red and puffy. I wasn't certain as to why.

After hugs and kisses with the relatives I stared at Jeanette "Morning."

Wanting to choke the life out of her lost out to giving her a gentle hug.

"That's all I get?"

I simply nodded yes. She knew I knew. Her lower lip was quivering.

"Are they releasing you today?"

"I think so. I responded well to the IVs and heated blankets. Even as bad as their food tastes, I can't get enough of it."

Staring at her was making Jeanette uncomfortable. She couldn't maintain eye contact for more than a second.

"I'm going to get some coffee. Can I get anyone else anything?"

"I'll go with you son" came from Fred, Jeanette's father.

Once we were in the cafeteria he looked me in the eyes "What's going on Dale? I'd have thought the two of you would have been all lovey-dovey after the ordeal you endured."

"Fred, I'm only going to confirm that all is not rosy in our household. I'll let Jeanette tell you her side."

"Sounds bad."

"It is. I'm not sure what I'm going to do."

We brought a tray full of coffee cups and donuts up to the room. Jeanette was wiping tears away. After the tray was devoured, Fred rounded up his group and left. Before Jeanette and I could talk, her doctor came in and told her to start packing as she was good to go home.

Jeanette took the bag of clothes I'd brought and went into her bathroom. It didn't take long.

"You want me to wear this?"

"Act like a slut, dress like a slut. I thought we agreed no sex until Monday. Of course we also made some vows that got crushed by the avalanche."

Her face collapsed and she slumped into the bathroom. She cried for thirty minutes. Jeanette was wearing the costume when she emerged.

With her voice cracking "Happy now?"

"Not even close. Let's go."

The nurse arrived with a wheelchair. The look on her face was that of pure astonishment. I left to bring the car up to the entrance. Everyone stared at Jeanette as she climbed out of the wheelchair and walked to the passenger door. I hadn't bothered to get out to help her.

Riding in silence lasted about five minutes.

"We thought we were going to die Dale."

"So did we, but we didn't fuck up a storm."

That brought the tears again. More silence.

"What happens now?"

"Your stuff is in the office bedroom."

The remainder of the ride was just the sound of her quiet sobs. When we pulled into our driveway, she gathered herself enough to mutter "I'm sorry."

"So am I."

+ + + +

With my car destroyed, I started the process of getting my insurance company to join the party. I ordered a Lyft ride over to the rental car place and picked up my temporary vehicle. I realized on the ride home, that being around Jeanette right now was not something I enjoyed. I sent her a text 'Don't wait up. I'll be home whenever.'

Her response was quick 'Please come home Dale. We can't solve anything if we aren't talking.'

'Too soon.'

I spent the evening in a sports bar watching college basketball and NHL hockey. Seems like cheated husbands must give off a certain smell. A few hours into the evening, my waitress wondered if I was getting over a cheating wife. She warned me that I couldn't drink my problems away. I concurred.

Jeanette was waiting for me when I stumbled in around 1:30 Am.

"I was worried about you."

My slurred response was something along the lines of "I wasn't worried about you."

Pushing aside her attempts to hug and kiss me, I closed my bedroom door and dove into the middle of the bed. That's where I found myself when my bladder got my attention. It was almost 10 Am. Jeanette left a note saying she was at work, and that she loved me.

I couldn't hang around the house as there were too many good memories, which only fueled my rage. Dressing for success, I showed up around noon and worked until nine.

'Are you coming home tonight? I can cook?'

'Too soon.'

After stopping to eat, I rolled in about 10 Pm. I had to work again in the morning and could ill afford to be hung over. Jeanette was curled up in her sweats on the couch. For the first time since Monday, her eyes weren't red and puffy.

"We need to talk. Please don't shut me out."

"What's there to talk about? You thought you were going to die so you tried to fuck yourselves to death."

"You don't understand."

"What don't I understand? Tatianna and I talked at length about dying. Our intercourse was verbal, not sexual. We had the same concerns as you. Were we going to freeze to death? Would we die of starvation? Would they find our skeletons in the spring when the snow melted? Unlike you however, we wondered if each of you survived. How were your concerns any different?"

The tears appeared again "They weren't. We did talk about you guys."

"And then you decided, they're probably dead. Let's fuck."

"Dale! NO! It wasn't like that."

"So why?"

"I don't know. I guess I was weak and scared. I'm not as strong as you. Are you going to divorce me? I don't want a divorce."

"I really don't know. My skin crawls when I'm around you. The pain of betrayal is still too strong."

"Can I at least have a hug?"

Opening my arms, Jeanette wasted no time in crushing my ribs. Her sobs lasted several minutes before our embrace was broken.

"Good night Jeanette. See you tomorrow."

"Good night Dale. I love you."

+ + + +

This was the first time I'd had to deal with betrayal. If I had gone through this once or twice, in high school or college, I'd have learned that there is a tomorrow. Right now, I wasn't sure. I just couldn't fathom how supposed love lost out to lust.

We lived in a standoff for the next few weeks. I really wished I had Tatianna's phone number. Was she divorcing Steve? If she did, would she move away?

"Have you spoken with Tatianna?"

"Not since she stormed into my room on Monday morning. I'm to never contact her again. She was not nice about it. Her language was blunt and brutal. She praised you for being a gentleman and her hero. She told me that you knew. That's why I was crying when you showed up."

"Have you told your parents? Fred suspected something right away."

"Not really. I'm hoping we can get past this. The way things are going it isn't likely, is it?"

"I thought our flame was glowing hot, but you doused it. I'm just not feeling special around you. Something inside of me has died. Let's see how this next month goes and then I'll decide."

Jeanette's eyes glistened with her tears. My soul was dead. I felt nothing.

Four more weeks and I was still emotionally dead around Jeanette.

"Jeanette, where do we stand? Can you give me one reason why we shouldn't go our separate ways?"

"Because you're giving up on us. I did something I'll always regret, but it wasn't planned. It just happened."

"I call bullshit. Nothing JUST happens. It happened because you wanted it to happen."

Jeanette was quite aggravated "Not true. Hell, for all I know you and Tatianna got it on!"

As calmly as I could "So, that's the game you want to play? Fine. How long have you been lovers? I bet it was good to get together AGAIN with Steve, wasn't it? Maybe it was the first time with Steve, but I wonder how many others there have been?"

Jeanette pulled her knees to her chest as she formed a ball. Each of my accusations were like a slap to her face.

I continued "Have you used our bedroom or just some motels? Whatever you've been doing, you succeeded in keeping me in the dark. There! Are you happy now?"

"I'm sorry Dale! I shouldn't have said that. There are no others. There have never been any others. It was just a horrible decision on my part, and only when we were trapped. Please, can't we try to get past this?"

"I can tell you one thing for sure Jeanette, you just sealed our fate. I wanted a woman strong enough to resist. Now I know that you will always think of me as a cheater, of which I'm innocent. And I will always have to deal with wondering if you found another set of circumstances causing you to cheat again. I'm too young for a life like that. I'm filing for divorce."

"Oh gawd NOOOO! PLEASE Dale, I don't want to lose you."

"Jeanette, I have to move on. Although my skin no longer crawls when I'm around you, the only feeling that's left is the pain. You couldn't have buried a knife any deeper into my heart. I'm going to instruct my attorney to file the petition for divorce. You'll be served here. There's no need to publicize this."

Jeanette's eyes were wet, and her voice was cracking "I'm so sorry Dale. I really am. I won't contest it. What happens to our house?"

"I think we need to sell it. I don't want it, and I doubt that you can afford it."

With a chocked up response "Okay."

Two days later, Jeanette was served at home. It was fair, as we didn't have much to split. I'd have to pay a nominal amount of alimony for two years. Since it was uncontested, the divorce was granted in less than ninety days. Jeanette tried hard to get me to relent, but I couldn't, or maybe it was wouldn't.

I moved out shortly after filing. As predicted, since Jeanette couldn't afford the mortgage, the house was sold and what little was left over, was split fifty-fifty. Initially Jeanette moved in with her parents. She moved a few months later, but I don't know where she moved to. When I think of her I only get mad and sad all over again. Taking revenge on Steve was tempting, but he wasn't worth it. If he's smart, he will avoid me as I could change my mind about revenge.

+ + + +

While the divorce was pending, I devoted my nights and weekends to finishing my Masters. Some of my long term friends were doing their best to hook me up with available ladies. Although I went on a few dates, I was still emotionally dead. The thought of starting a relationship landed with a thud. Is this what I have to look forward to?

Although I wanted someone to share my joy, I only had family in attendance when I walked up the aisle to pick up my diploma. It had been five months since the avalanche. Having attended a few 'by invitation only' job fairs, I now had two very lucrative job offers. I loved my current job, but they really couldn't compete with these offers. They told me so when I shared the offers with them.

I accepted a position on the west coast, near Palo Alto. My belongings fit comfortably in my car. My new apartment wasn't any lonelier than the previous one. It wasn't any better either. I needed to get a personal life that included women.

Many nights I'd stare at the television in my apartment. The television was off most of the time. I no longer knew what I wanted out of life.

On one of those nights I remembered all of those text messages I'd composed. Reading them warmed my soul. Telling those you love, how much they meant to you, was uplifting. I decided that I should start living the life of a single man.

It felt like I was spying, or reading someone's diary. One by one I read the texts that Tatianna had composed. She was far more talented in her writing. When I read the one to her mother, my heart started racing.

It was near the end 'I may not have married the man of my dreams, but at least I'll die in his arms. Jeanette is so lucky.'

I was on a mission. I had to find a way to get in touch with Tatianna. Jeanette's phone number no longer worked. I decided it would be cruel to ask her anyway. Thinking back to my conversations with Tatianna, while awaiting our rescue, I thought I knew what city her parents lived in. One of the photo albums I'd taken had pictures of our wedding along with the fact sheet. That got me Tatianna's maiden name. It didn't take too long to find her parents. I left a message with her mother to have Tatianna call me.

When Tatianna failed to call me back right away, my heartaches returned, until the following week.

"Dale?"

"Tatianna? Is it really you? How have you been?"

"Oh Dale, I'm so glad you called. I've missed you so much. I'm doing great. What's going on in your world?"

"Well let's see. I finally earned my Masters and then accepted a job on the west coast. I've only been out here a month."

"Is Jeanette with you?"

"No, I just couldn't get past it. We've been divorced for a few months now. How about you? Still with Steve?"

"Nope. Same as you. We lived together for a couple of months, but it was too much for me to overcome. Gawd I'm thrilled that you called. What brought that on?"

"Last week I was giving myself another pity party and I found those texts we composed when we thought we were going to die. Reading them made me feel better."

"Wow, I forgot all about those. Uh oh. I bet you read mine too?"

"Man of your dreams huh? I never knew."

"She was my best friend. Best friends never let things like that be known."

"And you didn't call me right back because?"

"I was on the road and my mom didn't think she should bother me with your message. She said you told her it wasn't urgent"

"That I did. So where is home now?"

"Chicago. You said west coast. Whereabouts?"

"Palo Alto."

"We have an office in San Jose. How close is that?"

"Palo Alto is about twenty miles away from San Jose, which is the airport I normally use."

"Maybe I could try to get my boss to let me visit that office."

"Or maybe I should think about visiting the windy city."

"Really Dale? It would be so good to see you. I'm not doing anything this weekend. I'm very familiar with where O'Hare is located, so I could pick you up."

"How about I check on flights for Friday night. Can you find a place for me to stay?"

"Umm duh, yeah, let me work on that."

"Well, you know, I didn't want any problems with your boyfriends."

"I'll deal with them. Are you sure your girlfriends are going to let you go without them?"

"Same as you, I'll deal with them. If worse comes to worse, I'll bring a few of them with me."