Burned by Smoke - Conclusion

By request, this is my follow up to Burned By Smoke. It is how I envision a dad reconnecting with his daughter post-divorce and at her request the cheated spouse finally meets with his ex.

Thank you BR for the edit and feedback.

*****

I had just finished cleaning up from dinner, something that takes but a few quick minutes since it is now always dinner for one when I was startled by the doorbell. I say startled as since I have been living here this past year it has only been rung when a delivery guy rang the bell signaling that he had left a package and I was not expecting any delivery.

I made my way to the door and upon opening it I was surprised to see my daughter, Kirsten.

"Hi, dad."

In shock I just stared at her, saying nothing, until she broke the silence.

"You going to invite me in?"

"Uh, sure, sorry Hun. I just didn't expect you and you really caught me off guard. Please, come in."

She scanned the place quickly and went to the sofa and took a seat.

"I'd offer you something to eat but I don't really have much to offer. Want a drink? I was going to grab a beer and watch the news."

"Sure, I'll have a beer. Whatever you're drinking is fine."

I went to the fridge and grabbed a couple of local IPA's saying, "So what brings you here after so long?"

"I wanted to say I'm sorry and using the phone would be too impersonal."

"Sorry? I think I am the one who should be saying I'm sorry."

"Dad, we all screwed up. I have been talking to David"

I interrupted "You've been talking to your brother? Really?"

"Yes, these past few months we've talked a lot and we, well I, think we're back to where we were before... before you know, the divorce. "

"That makes me feel good, Hun. I really hated what happened between you and your brother just because of what happened between your mother and me."

"Dad, the divorce really trashed our family. I'm not saying that to make you feel bad. It's just that it wasn't just you and mom that got divorced. The way our emotions took control the entire family divorced. You divorced mom. I divorced you. David divorced mom. And David and I "divorced". We broke up the family. This past year has been miserable."

"That's an interesting way to put it but it's true. We all let the anger and emotion run wild and it was a long time before I realized the damage that had taken place. I have called all of you, even your mother, and tried to keep in touch."

"I know, but our calls were clinical, almost business-like. It wasn't like before. You called but I really didn't participate. David never called mom and rarely called me. You were the only one making any kind of attempt but to be honest it wasn't an attempt to reconcile. It's like you, as well as us, were just going through the motion."

"So what brought this on? How did you and David reconnect?"

"It was our birthdays this year. I sent David a card and he sent me a card. There was no call, no cake, and no gift. It was just a simple card with a simple signature. It hit me hard. I thought back to all of the great happy parties we had and how my grandparents, on both sides, were so big on family. Family first, our Grandpa's would say. If they were alive they never would have allowed us to drift so far apart so quickly. So just as I showed up here, I paid a visit to David. I thought he would throw me off the porch but instead, he nearly crushed me to death with his hug."

"I wish I was there to see it!"

"We talked all night. It was a come to Jesus moment. We both realized we shouldn't have taken sides."

"It was a tough time, Kirsten. It all happened so fast and caught us off guard"

She continued.

"I understand he is just like you and he understands I am just like Mom. But that is no reason or justification for how we reacted. Talking with David helped me see that what mom did has nothing to do with my views of a woman's rights. What she did was infidelity. She broke her wedding vows. Her right to do what she wants doesn't mean that cheating on a spouse is acceptable. If she wanted to "experiment" she should have discussed it with you first and ask for a divorce. As hurtful as it would be she would at least not have been deceitful. And that bullshit story she gave you! Yes, mom told me about that. She has never been someone that could think fast on her feet. I guess that shows she is not a seasoned liar."

"Your mother never lied to me, except for this one time. Sure, there were some "miss-directions" as I call them but that was nothing like this. I guess that is something that really added to the shock. It was so out of character for her. What about David?"

"David was quick to realize that he was being an unreasonable hard-ass. He let his anger get the best of him and his disowning both mom and me was over the top. Just because I had sided with mom doesn't mean he has to ghost me. We have had disagreements before and always decided to "agree to disagree". This could have been a similar reaction and that would have allowed us to talk and come to terms much quicker than we did. I think what helped us both reconcile was neither of us was looking to accept what mom did. We both agree it was wrong. Where we disagreed was the end result of divorce. He feels you did the right thing and I feel you were too quick to pull the trigger."

"I couldn't accept it, Kirsten."

"Dad, hang on, I'm not finished. I, we actually, know that even though this affects us as a family the decision is really with you and mom. We got too wrapped up in this and took things to an extreme. We just have to accept the fact that the divorce happened but it doesn't mean we have to lose our parents. We gave up on you guys, you both never gave upon us."

"I always knew you were a smart kid. So is David talking to his mother?"

"Yes, but just recently. He talks once a week and they are close but not as close as before. He is not "angry" if you know what I mean but he is still bitter. I honestly feel that very soon he will warm up more. But what scares me is if mom does start to move on and date. I don't know how he will react as he can see that as a signal that it really is over. I mean he knows the divorce ended the marriage but if he sees her with another man it is like a final blow."

"Well, it's bound to happen sooner or later. Your mom is a beautiful woman and quite a catch. Blake should be happy."

"Cheap shot dad! He hasn't been around at all. Mom has seen no one since that day."

"What a waste. That actually pisses me off more than if she had fallen in love with someone else. I mean to throw away a marriage for a one-time fuck. "

"Dad, don't go there. Saying stuff like that isn't going to do anyone any good. She's not dating anyone, she loves you."

"So no more experimenting, as you called it?"

"No, Dad. Like I said she hasn't dated or been out at all with anyone. Why not you? You know she loves you and you aren't dating anyone".

"Kirsten, I told you it's over. I know she loves me and I love her but I can't get over what she did so any attempt on either part won't work".

"You say you talk to her, what do you talk about?"

"House stuff mostly. Like the furnace wasn't working so she asked me who to call and if I would review the estimate. Also, we had been updating the house so she recently asked about hardwood floors for upstairs and again who to call and what would be a fair price. She also kept me up to date about you like your recent promotion. I did call you to congratulate you but I just got your voicemail box. You never called back."

"I'm sorry about that, dad. But that's it, just house talk?

"Yes, just house stuff and catching up on you kids. She filled me in on you and I gave her info on David".

"She says you never ask to see her".

"That's right. I don't ask her and she doesn't ask to see me."

"Would you?"

"Why? Why would I see her if I have no intention of getting back together? Why mislead her or give her false hope?"

"Just wishful thinking on my part, I guess. I know she wants to talk to you. To explain why and see if you have any spark left for her. She says you never gave her a chance to explain."

"I know I didn't. At the time I knew she was feeding me a line of bullshit and honestly I thought the more she said I would become angrier and hurt. I was afraid of what she would say. What if I was at fault? What if I failed as a spouse or lover? What if she had told me I was the reason for her betrayal? I couldn't stomach to hear the why's or the how longs or how it was a mistake."

"She needs closure, dad. Leaving her hanging like this is cruel. If you do love her can't you at least give her some time, in person? It may do you some good as well. You are just existing and not living. You just work, do your run alone, and then sit at home."

"Me being cruel? I'm not harassing her. I'm not standing in her way. I told you if I started seeing her I may give her false hope."

"Dad, I am not saying date her, but I think that I would love that. I am just saying to hear her out. You can express your feelings and she can do the same. If anything you can tell her flat out, but nicely, why you never wanted to hear her side. You can tell her you won't date her. You can tell her to date others. You can say whatever the hell you want. But please. If not for her sake or your sake would you do it for me?"

"Let me think about it. No promises, OK?

"I love you, dad." And she gave me a hug.

We spent the next few hours catching up on her social and work life and I filled her in on what little I have done since the divorce, which surprised even me how little I did. She was right, again. I exist. I don't live. I suggested she spend the night but she had to be at work early the next day and work for her was about a three-hour drive from my place so we said our goodbyes. I thought how lucky I was to have her back in my life.

It was two weeks later on Saturday when I received a call from Lisa.

"Hello, Lisa"

"Hello, Dale. Sorry to bother you but the John Deere isn't working. I needed to mow the lawn but it just won't start. Who did you use for service?"

"Did you call Larry or Kevin come over to check"? Larry and Kevin are our long-time neighbors.

"Yes, that's the first thing I did. They checked the battery and the fuses and everything looks good. They are the ones that said I need a pro to take a look."

"OK. I use Capital Service in Manchester. They are right off of North Main Street. It could cost you about $300 but they do good work and I always felt they were honest and only did what was needed. Never padded the bill."

"Thanks, Dale, just one more thing. How do I get it out of the shed? I tried to push it but it won't move."

"You need the brake off and disconnect the transmission."

"You're kidding! How am I to disconnect a transmission?"

"Easy. It's a small narrow rod shaped like an upside-down "L" just below the seat facing the back. Just pull it out and it is disconnected and the tractor will move freely. You just push it to the driveway and the guy that shows up does the rest."

"I can't push that big thing!"

"Ask Larry or Kevin. They should have done that for you while they were there."

"Well, they left. I guess I could wait and call them again. Or you could do it?"

"Me? I am three hours away. Why would I drive all the way there to just push a tractor a few yards to the driveway."

"It would help me out and you don't have to leave right away. We can talk and maybe even have dinner. Dale, we haven't seen each other in a year. I would really like it if you came."

"Is the tractor really dead?"

"Conveniently, yes."

"Have you spoken with Kirsten recently? I bet she is behind this."

"Yes, Dale. She was just over yesterday and asked if you had called. When I said no she pretty much told me the ball was in my court and if I was to see you I had to take matters into my own hands. So please, it can be just this one time and I promise I won't bring up anything you don't want to talk about. If I say anything that makes you uncomfortable just tell me to stop and I will."

"Tomorrow. I will leave early and be there before noon. But Lisa, just you, OK? No kids, neighbors, or anyone else."

'Of course and thank you, Dale, it means a lot to me."

She sounded so sad as she spoke and I wondered if I had made the right decision.

________________________________________

I arrived at my former home just before noon on Sunday. The place hadn't changed at all and I was pleased to see Lisa kept the lawn in good shape. The flowerbeds she loved so much were also well cared for and the colors of all the plants were vibrant in sharp contrast to my dull gloomy expression. I told myself to put on a good front and try to be civil.

Lisa must have been watching for me as she came out of the door just as I put my car in park.

"Hello, Dale. Thank you for coming so quickly. I really don't want the lawn to get too high or I would have to rake."

"No problem Lisa. It's about time I made an appearance anyway."

"The place looks great. You've really kept it up nicely."

"Well is it a year so time to sell. I had Earl Jackson come by from Re-Max and he gave me a few pointers. He's done well for us in the past so I figured we should give him this listing."

"I think we should talk about that. When I had the sale of the house as part of the divorce that was mostly out of bitterness. Why should you keep the paid-for house while I had a mortgage? I was going to use the money to help reduce the mortgage. But now I think you should stay here. You've shown you can handle the place on your own and I can continue to manage the mortgage payment. I'd like to keep my name on the deed and if you ever do decide to move we can settle then."

"Can we do that?"

"I can talk to my attorney and ask. I don't see why not."

"I'd like that! I could help with the New Hampshire mortgage. I can send you a check for half each month. I think that would be fair."

"But your name isn't on the deed of the New Hampshire home."

"Doesn't matter to me."

"Can you afford to send me a check each month?"

"Sure. You'd be surprised how my spending has changed. Since I no longer have your income I have had to make changes. Kirsten was actually a big help. Her income is low yet she has nice clothes for work and her rent is more than I would be sending you. She taught me how to be frugal where I had always looked at it as having to be cheap."

"That I don't believe!" I laughed.

"Seriously! I am down to only one closet now. I buy quality pieces I can mix and match. It's no longer the price of the outfit that matters but the quality. And no more dozens of shoes I don't need. I took a page from your book and have a few pairs of colors that can match many outfits."

"I believe you. But I am still shocked."

"Would you like to come in and have a drink or something?"

"After, let's take a look at the Lawn Tractor."

We made our way to the shed, not saying a word to each. Lisa led the way and I couldn't help myself from checking her out. She was still as beautiful as ever and still had an ass to die for. She was dressed simply and casual. She had on a comfortably worn pair of faded blue jeans, a shaped but not too tight cotton T-shirt, her hair was pulled back off of her face by one of her colorful headbands I remember her buying up in Portsmouth, NH in one of her favorite craft boutiques. On her feet were her L.L. Bean duck shoes. The ones she wore gardening so dirt and mud wouldn't soil her sandals or "sneakers", as she called them. At that brief moment I felt like a year had not passed and the "event" had never occurred. But as quickly as that feeling came, it was gone, replaced by sorrow at what I had lost.

"I don't know what happened. I used it a few days ago and it was fine. Now I turn the key and it doesn't start. Larry and Kevin both tried and they couldn't figure it out either. Are you OK? You don't look so good."

"No, I'm fine. Just lost in thought for a minute. Let me try so I get a better idea of what's going on."

I sat on the tractor and made sure the brake lock was on, the blade engagement lever was off, and the gas was on full choke. Turning the key I heard the starter run but there was no ignition. No spark. I recognized the problem right away as it had happened three years prior. I got off the seat and opened up the hood. Right away I smelled the urine.

"Mice."

"Mice?" Lisa looked at me inquisitively.

"Yes, mice. This happened before. They take the dried grass clipping from around the blade enclosure and build a nest under this plastic cover over the motor. In this model the starter is right below where they nest and their urine seeps into the motor and somehow binds some part of the starter. At least that is what the guy at the shop explained last time. I can smell it from here and I am sure if I took the cover off you would see the mess. Since that last time I always made sure to blow off the grass and clean it up as best I could."

"I didn't know that. I feel so stupid."

"It's not your fault, I never told you. But I am surprised that neither Larry nor Kevin smelled the piss. I'll push the mower you do the steering. Let's get it close to the driveway. You can call Capital tomorrow morning. It should run you about $300. If they say more have them call me."

"Thanks, Hun."

That's the first time in a long time she said "Hun" rather than Dale and it didn't go unnoticed. I didn't reply or make any smart-ass remark.

"Let's have that drink now, OK?"

'Sure, Lisa, I'd like that."

"I'll get the drinks and something to snack on. Why don't you take a seat inside the pool cabana in the shade? I'll be quick."

Our pool cabana was one of her better ideas. Just after we had the built-in pool installed and the entire back patio side of the house covered in stamped concrete she had the cabana built. Three quarters was a screen house with electricity, ceiling fan, and really nice outdoor furniture. The remainder of the cabana was set up as a bar. Separating the two was a sliding glass door and screen. The ladies would sit outside bug-free and gab away while the guys sat in the bar and drank, played cards, or talked sports. Or did all three simultaneously. I used to have a beer fridge in there as well until I found the neighborhood kids would sneak over and steal my beer. Rather than lock the fridge I just removed it. A cooler did the job just as well when we entertained. The memories started flooding my mind.

Lisa startled me out of my trance when she made her way into the cabana.

"Not much has changed out here either." She reached out her left hand to offer me the beer.

"Your favorite IPA. No, it's not leftover from last year. I remember how you always check the bottled date to make sure it's fresh. I picked these up last night so they would be fresh and chilled."

I took the beer and as she sat down I noticed she had a Corona for herself but also brought out her cigarettes and ashtray. As she took out a cigarette and lit it she looked at me, looked at the cigarette, and with what I could describe as an embarrassed look said: "At first they helped me cope but then, of course, the nicotine addiction kicked in."

"You don't have to explain to me. You're a big girl. I see you at least are back to your own brand."

"Yes, every time I lite a cigarette it reminds me of the horrible mistake I made and what it cost me. Almost like a fitting punishment. But no way was I going to continue with the Virginia Slim brand. I will admit I liked them better but this isn't really about enjoyment. Weird, huh?"

"Weird to say the least. But I don't see any need to continue to punish you. What's done is done and smoking to punish you won't make things right or better. You're just going to get health problems like your parents. Smoking killed them and you saw that first hand."