Burned by Smoke - Conclusion

"I know."

"Well let's change the subject. I didn't come here to lecture you about bad habits. Kirsten said you really wanted to talk."

"Yes. You never gave me the chance to talk. I was too shocked to say anything. For a year now I've had everything contained and building inside and I don't think I will ever get closure if I never get the chance to tell you how I felt then, why I did what I did, and how I feel now. Will you let me? Please?"

"That's why I am here. Kirsten explained it to me very well. She also told me that she has made up with her brother and David and you are now on speaking terms. It made me realize that I am the odd man out. I talk with Kirsten and David but the only conversation I have allowed with you has been around the maintenance of the house or the paying of bills. I guess it is time."

"Thanks." She shifted up in the seat and sat cross-legged. She took a breath, looked away from me, and began.

"Before I start I need to know if you had any idea what was going on? Somehow I have the feeling you knew more than you let on."

"Not exactly. I knew something was up but I never suspected cheating. To be honest I simply thought you started smoking again and were afraid to tell me. I could sometimes smell smoke on you and you started to skip the "welcome home kiss"."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"I figured sooner or later you would quit or you would tell me. Confronting you somehow didn't feel right at the time. I didn't want to look judgmental and remember I had no idea there was another man. To me, it was about whether or not you were smoking. The new long painted nails threw me for a loop. I had no idea why you did that and to be honest it didn't really matter to me. If you wanted to try new nails for whatever reason it was a non-issue. Again remember I thought you were doing this for you, not someone else."

"I wish you did say something. Maybe it would have shocked me to my senses."

"Really? Would have that ended it before it happened forever or would it have just delayed the inevitable? I think something like that has to be decided by you to end for good. Someone else stopping it may just end it at that moment. If I had known about the other guy for certain I would have stepped in. But I think for the rest of my life I would be watching your every step and that is no way to live."

"Thanks, Dale. That helps."

She continued.

"For years, I was the young one at work. All my coworkers and management were older and very professional. All the talk around the office or at lunch or at any social night out was really boring or mundane. The talk was about family, work, grandchildren, and once in a while someone may have traveled and we spoke of their vacation or trip. It was all very vanilla, plain, and like I said boring. It was also harmless. However, a few years back, due to retirement or transfers the office demographics really changed. Much younger ladies were introduced and slowly but surely I became the oldest of the department. What also changed was the work chat. No more talk about grandchildren or recipes and very little talk about work. Instead the talk was all about their dates, their boyfriends, or their lovers. I, of course, stayed out of the conversation as I felt it was really not appropriate but also because I had nothing to offer. I wasn't going to share our sex life with these people but also I had nothing I could add from my past."

I shifted my seat and nodded so she knew I was listening. I didn't want to say anything out of fear she may take it the wrong way. She lit another cigarette and continued.

"Anyway, like I said this had been going on for a few years now and over time I would continue to join the girls for lunch and the talk started to get a bit more graphic. The talk about the dates became much more detailed to include the sex and how some of the girls were dating more than one guy and they all would share what I guess I can describe as the sexual prowess of each guy and how they could never settle down with just one. The excitement of what they called the "discovery" was too much."

"The discovery?" I asked.

"Yes. That is what they called it when they would flirt with a guy and eventually get close enough to try to get him excited so they can feel his bulge so they can get some idea how big he was."

"So they were trying to see if he had a big dick?"

"Not just if he had a big dick but more what was the size. It was like a game. They wanted to try different guys so each time they had sex it was different and hopefully better than the last. They said they weren't necessarily looking for the biggest dick but after all their experience they had a good idea of what they wanted. In some cases, big was too big and in others, small was too small. Once they discovered what they wanted that was their target for the evening.

"That sounds cold. And they shared all of this at lunch talks?"

"This kind of talk was mostly after-work happy hour talks. After a few drinks and after the girls sized up the crowd one of them always steered the conversation towards sex."

"And you felt left out, right?"

"Most definitely. Like I said our sex life was none of their business but what did get to me was the fact that even if I wanted to participate I couldn't. I was a virgin when we met and you were the only guy I was ever with sexually. Any dates I had before you were limited to just making out and there was some touching. I never did anything else before you and was faithful up to that one stupid day."

"Why would that bother you? You didn't owe these girls anything. You should have just stopped hanging out with them."

"I actually did cut way back on the happy hours but unfortunately the seed was already planted. I couldn't shake the feeling like I had missed out on something. I didn't want to be a slut and wasn't dissatisfied that I didn't sleep around but I began to feel that maybe I married too young."

My expression must have changed as she immediately shifted into a defense mode.

"Dale, oh no Dale I don't regret marrying you for an instant. What I meant was if knowing what sex was like with other men was important to me then, of course, I should have done it before I was engaged and married. I never went to college so I was never on my own and the only guys I ever met were the jerk townies. When you came along it was love at first sight and I never gave anyone else any thought."

"I know you never regretted marrying me, I don't doubt that. And I never regretted marrying you. I just wish whatever took this "feeling" or "desire" you had to the point where you had to act upon it never occurred." I said to her.

"I can never ever say I am sorry enough."

"So what you are saying is all of the talks of various sex partners somehow excited you but also left you feeling like you missed some special right of growing up? Something you just had to experience?"

"I don't know, Dale, but I guess so. It haunted me for a while and as good as I had it with you I just had to experience something at least once. It was going to be exactly that, a onetime thing that I had hoped and prayed no one would ever know. It would be out of my system and nothing would ever change."

"You knew there was always the risk of me finding out and you knew what I would do. Yet you did it anyway."

"I seriously didn't think you would find out."

"But my point is knowing the consequences you still felt it was worth the risk. That meant to me that I was second. This thrill was worth losing me, respect of the family, risking an STD, probably losing friends."

"I never thought of you being any less important."

"Maybe so, but your actions proved that I was."

"Regardless, now you know why I did what I did and I have said it a million times over that I regret I ever lied to you and cheated. But what I really need you to understand and believe is that this was the one and only time. Nothing has happened before and nothing has happened since. I lost so much that I have learned such a hard lesson that I would never do anything again to betray my family."

"That's good to hear but you're telling the wrong guy. I think the kids would love to hear that and I am certain Kirsten believes you. David may be a harder sell but if he goes from just occasionally talking to you to actually visiting you and spending the time he too may come around."

"And you?"

"It doesn't matter to me now. Remember, we are divorced. You can't betray me. You are a free agent and you can spend time with anyone you choose and do whatever you want. I have no say in the matter."

"It doesn't have to be that way, Dale. You do matter to me. I still love you and I desperately want to get back together. I have been miserable without you and haven't I suffered enough? How long must I be punished?"

"Punished? Do you think this is punishment like some time out? I never intended to punish you, Lisa. You did something that I couldn't forgive so I ended it. In fact, if I remained and we had a sexless cold marriage for the next 30 years, THAT would be punishing you. If I treated you like a roommate or engaged in revenge sex. That would be punishment. My leaving you to go out and do whatever it is you want is far from punishment. It is a gift. You wanted sex with others, you have been free to do so."

"It's been a year; can't we start over? What's done is done and I can't go back and erase it. But we can start over and you can see how sincere I am. You aren't dating anyone and neither am I. We both must be waiting to get back together or we would have moved on."

"Lisa, I have moved on. Just because I have no desire to get back into the dating game doesn't mean I am hung up on you."

"Don't say that Dale, please reconsider."

"Lisa, we went over this before. I love you and I admit it. But I can't get the mental image I have of you having sex with Blake. I know I didn't see it happen but I have a very active imagination. Every time I see you, even today, I picture what had happened that day and what might have happened up to that day. After that day I remembered how you stopped kissing me when you came home from work. I reconsidered my thoughts that it was because of the smoking and began to wonder if it was because you gave him a blowjob after work. The showers at work maybe weren't from the exercise but to instead wash away the sex."

She screamed, "I told you that it was just that one time! Nothing else happened! I'm not trying to make light and I am not making excuses. I'm just telling you how I felt and how I reacted. I had a moment of weakness. I let the talk get to me and I couldn't live with the curiosity any longer. God knows I shouldn't have but I acted on it. I'm not the saint you think I am. Yes, I am no longer your virgin bride. Some guys, including yourself, think of me now as damaged goods."

"A moment of weakness?"

"You're not the only one, you know."

"So what? I don't care about other guys and their cheating wives."

"I'm not talking about other guys."

"What do you mean? I don't understand."

"You were with Carol for over two years. You don't think I didn't have thoughts about her and how I compared? Two years together is a long time and a lot of sex. You were only 18 when you met and I know your sex drive. You had two years of sex, sex every day, and sex every way. I bet when she had her period you even had anal sex. When she didn't want that it was probably blowjobs. Your sister in law Gale told me all about her. She even had the balls to show me her wedding album just so she could point out the pictures of Carol in her bridesmaid dress, dancing with you, kissing you. She kept in touch with her for years and always brought it up to me."

"I didn't know she was being that cruel."

"Well, she was. Then she brought up Tanya. Yah, I know about her as well. You were so distraught at Carol cheating on you and the break up that she introduced you to Tanya, her neighbor. Tanya had the hot's for you for a long time and jumped at the chance to get you. Tanya told Gail all about the sex and how happy she was to finally get to you."

"I never knew"

"And know what is worse? Wasn't Tanya your best buddy Dennis's ex-girlfriend? The one he cried for every day? The one who only left Dennis because he couldn't handle the fact that she aborted his child? I know all about that as well. So not only did you have sex with someone else you had sex with your best friend's girl. You probably ruined any chance at their reconciliation. I thought there was some kind of "Bro Code". So don't get all high and mighty about imagining me with someone else. You are being a hypocrite."

"That all happened before we met."

'But it is still the same thing. I am not talking about breaking wedding vows. I am just bringing up the fact that I was able to handle your having sex with others and getting past it and not letting my imagination go wild and spoiling any chance at us getting together and having a meaningful relationship. Others do it all the time."

"Well, I am not others. All this says is you are better at it than me. It doesn't make one right or the other wrong it's just demonstrating people are unique. OK. You dealt with it and handled it for many years but finally it got the better of you. I'm not willing to take that chance. And what about the trust and respect factor? How can I get over the fact that you planned that date for some time? You seduced that guy for some time. You lied to me to meet with him and you lied to me about why it occurred. So why on God's green earth would I believe you now? Just because you say you're repentant? And even if you are telling the truth it may have been just one occurrence or day but not just one time. You can't tell me a younger fit guy like Blake was going to be satisfied with just a one-time quickie. You were gone for most of the day so a lot more happened than "just one time." But that's all in the past and damage done."

"Oh my god, here we are fighting. That is the last thing I wanted to do today. We don't have to be done, Dale. Isn't there anything I can do? Please!

"No, not now. Like I said a year ago maybe we could date and see what happens but I am not ready. Just like I have no desire to date any other women I have no desire to date you. You are one of many divorced women out there but I will tell you that you are by far the best looking and you do have a lot to offer. Once you let it out that you are available you will have a ton of available guys looking to snatch you up. Just be honest with them. Use the no-surprise rule. Whatever you expect to know about their past you expect to tell them the same. No one is expecting to find a virgin your age but not all men want to get into a long term relationship with a former cheater. Many would don't get me wrong, but there are some, like me, that wouldn't."

"I don't like where this is going. You are basically telling me to date others but I know if you can't handle what I did with one guy how do I expect you to ever take me back if there are more? Is that what you want? Instead of a definitive answer of no, you want me to make a move and give you a better way out? You tell the kids you wanted to give me a chance but then tell them I blew it by dating?"

"No, that's not what I am saying and I am not planning anything. I am just being honest and saying I don't want to date anyone and that includes you. I have changed. I am a colder person, I like being alone, intend to remain alone. I have no evil plan against you."

"If you ever plan to date again, at any future time, would you date me?"

"Yes, I would date you."

"Even if it is two or three years down the road and I have dated and been intimate with someone else, would you ask me out on a date."

I paused, which caused her shoulders to slump.

"Yes, Lisa, I think if you were available I would ask you out on a date."

She lit a cigarette, exhaled to the ceiling and uncrossed her legs and leaned forward for effect looking into my eyes.

"You paused before you answered. Why did you have to think? Why not just a quick straight answer?

"Honestly, I wanted to make certain I heard the question correctly so I could give an honest answer."

"What was there to not hear or not misunderstand? I asked you if it is two or three years down the road and I have dated and been intimate with someone else, would you ask me out on a date. How was that not clear?"

"I wanted to be clear that you said 'ask you out on a date.' My answer is yes, I would ask you out on a date as in my mind that can be as simple as a dinner and a show. No more or less."

"So we are back to the friend or roommate situation you said you wanted to avoid. What you are saying is in the future you would be willing to date me but any show or act of intimacy would be off the table."

"Yes, because as you said you would have been intimate with others. And like you stated earlier if I can't handle one how can I handle many?"

Her eyes started to tear up and she stood and looked out in the distance at nothing in particular.

"Dale, thank you for coming today and thank you for your honesty. As much as I had hoped this would have gone in a different direction I guess like they say it is what it is. I really fucked things up and what has been broken can't be repaired. I really had hoped you would see I am willing to try and start over and I had hoped that you would as well. But you're right that being roommates wouldn't work, as I want more out of our relationship. I think I already have you as a friend but if you are not willing to offer more than being that close together would be punishment and honestly, I think I have already punished myself enough. I don't need any additional pain in my life. Why don't we skip dinner and just say goodbye?"

With that said Dale and Lisa hugged and Dale walked alone to his car, looking back and offering a wave to a tearful Lisa, and drove back home to New Hampshire. Lisa just stood there for a few minutes wiping away the tears unsure of what to do and questioning how things could have gone so wrong so quickly.

Lisa and Dale never did have that date. Lisa did have an occasional date but nothing has ever come out of it. She and David did reconnect and both kids are frequent visitors. Never is the past mentioned. They all agree to only talk about the present or future. Dale got what he wanted as he remained a loner. He fished alone, kayaked alone, runs alone. He never did tell his kids or anyone if he was sorry he didn't try to reconcile. As he mentioned to Kirsten - he doesn't live - he exists.

Sometimes when the hurt is that overpowering, existing is all that is left.