Burned by Smoke

"It was at this time that things between us started getting serious. We continued to have these breaks several times a day but we then added lunches. We often had lunch together but now it was a daily thing and we would drive to different restaurants. Instead of talking about work we talked about everything and anything. We were becoming a couple."

"That's an emotional affair. Even without the sex to me, it's cheating."

"No Dale! We didn't have sex. It was just lunch!"

"How do I know that? You could be making out, petting, hell you could be sucking his cock on the way back to work!"

"No, no, no! I didn't do any of that! It was just lunch and holding hands. We couldn't do that; we would get caught and neither of us wanted to get fired!

"So it was fear of losing your job and not fear of losing your husband!"

"It wasn't like that! Remember in my mind I was with you and not him."

"Ya, the BIGGER me, I get it."

The tears became sobs and she looked broken.

"Blake wanted me to have dinner with him. As much as I admit I too wanted that I couldn't. As confused as I was I knew I had to get home each night as usual and there was no way I could fit in dinner with him and still come home. I rarely worked late and something like that would be a dead giveaway."

"So if you could rationalize that then you were not crazy and thinking this was me. You knew the difference. If you really thought that he was, in fact, me, as you said, you would think it was dinner with me. Now I sound crazy! So at that time no matter what state of mind you were in earlier you were now as sane as can be and were worried about being caught in your affair."

"I guess you are right."

"So today was your answer to not doing the dinner date. You knew how trusting I was so you made up the shopping trip so you could have a full day with fuck buddy."

"Yes, I am so sorry Dale. I don't know why I did it and I won't do it again! I will end it right now and do whatever you want me to do so we can make it right! I love you, Dale!"

"Lisa, I don't love you now. I love the Lisa that I first met, the Lisa that I married, the Lisa I knew up to 3 months ago. The Lisa in front of me now, I don't love. What you did was wrong but let's face it it's who you are. I am no shrink and I never studied people's minds but I believe the reason you were able to cheat is the fact that it was always in you and bound to come out. If not now then tomorrow, or next year, or maybe another decade. This crazy idea about a younger me is just some stupid excuse. I mean a really far out there stupid excuse. It was a younger me? Really? Do you think I am that stupid? You really insult my intelligence beyond belief. For whatever reason you wanted to cheat and you saw some available young stud and set out to get him. That is the truth. You are a cheater, plain and simple."

"Dale, Honey, I wasn't thinking that. I really don't know what I was thinking and really, I will stop. I won't cheat again!"

"I compare a cheater to an alcoholic. Right or wrong that is my analogy. At birth, a person doesn't know they are an alcoholic. They can have a drink often for years and keep it in control but at some point one drink becomes too many and it consumes them. They can go to AA and get sober and stay sober. But for some, they fall off the wagon as they say and it starts all over. There is sadness and remorse then they again get sober and can stay sober. But then again some will again revert back to drinking and the cycle starts all over. I really don't believe you can fix alcoholism; you live every day just keeping it under control. So how do I know that this will be a onetime thing? How do I know you won't have some relapse? Seriously, how do I know that you won't cheat again at some unknown point in the future? "

"It won't happen again! You have to believe me! Please, give me the chance to prove it."

"You say it won't happen again and you say you are sorry. I honestly believe you. But what neither of us really knows is can you or are you capable of controlling it? Somehow you have the cheating gene and even if you are strong enough to control it I am not strong enough to live in that fear or under that shadow of doubt. Every day I would look at you and wonder if today is the day. Every time I see a change in your behavior I will think you did cheat, whether you did or not wouldn't matter.'

"Then there is the fact that you had sex with someone else. I don't know what you did and honestly, I don't want to hear about it. But the mental images that run through my mind disgust me. I kissed your lips. Where had they been? I was intimate with you! Sloppy seconds? I don't know but the thought is there. Should I ever have sex with you again would you be thinking of me or of him? Does he kiss better than me? Will you wish I was taller, stronger, do the things in bed he did? I would lose any erection even if I were able to get one in the first place. When I look at you now I get permanent ED and sick to my stomach. I think I would perform better now with a condom and a street whore. You have ruined not only what we had but ruined me, inside, for what I fear will be a long, long time."

"This was the only time - ever. There were no sloppy seconds. He wasn't better at anything than you!"

"It's over Lisa. For more than 20 years I gave you what you wanted emotionally and financially. Now it's gone. The large house with a professionally manicured lawn and the large in-ground pool we never use. The summer cottage on the shore we used to rent before and after we had kids. You just had to own it for sentimental reasons. The new house we just had built for our retirement. You insisted we do it now as an investment so when we were ready to retire had a place closer to the cottage and have that equity built up. The place we grow old together and watch the grandchildren you so wanted. We haven't owned it a year and now it's gone. But most importantly you have lost the respect of your family. What will the kids and our combined brothers and sisters and cousins and aunts and uncles think of you once this all comes out?

"I'm not going to go all out and fight and try and make you out to be some evil bitch and try to leave you penniless and beaten. It wouldn't work anyway as we live in a no-fault state. I have no idea how this all works as I am not a divorce attorney but I hope we can just split everything 50/50. Sucks for me as I did nothing to deserve this and yes, it is my wish to divorce and not yours. But as bad as pride and ego can be I am not going stay with you and become roommates. Hopefully we can agree to sign over the cottage to the kids so it stays in the family. Together we work out some schedule so we all get time there and we won't have to worry about seeing each other. This house was going to be sold anyway next year. We just move up the schedule. The new house in New Hampshire is another story. Not sure what we would get out of that if anything so we can discuss if you take it and pay the mortgage or do I keep it and pay the mortgage. Your job has you locked here in Connecticut but mine would allow me to live out of state. I don't see me having to pay any alimony as we both make equal pay but there is always the risk you get some devil of a lawyer or some judge sees it differently. Let's agree to also try and keep our own 401k's. You know we each need that but again if it has to be split, so be it. We still each walk away with a good amount.

"By the way, if you think you have some long-term relationship going with Blake then think again. You yourself said when you met he showed no interest. It was only when he finally realized you had presented him with the opportunity for some free and easy sex did he respond to your advances. What young guy with the morals that would fuck a married woman would turn you down? Sure, now that you will be available doesn't change anything. He will continue to fuck you for as long as he wants. Hell, even when he finds a younger piece he would probably keep fucking you as well. But things for you will change. It will be just sex and no love. And don't think this will be quiet. He will talk. No doubt about it if he hasn't told his buddies yet he surely will. All over work people will know what you did and you will be the divorced easy lay. You will get plenty of offers so don't worry about the lack of sex. It will be a long time before you once again find true love but every pussy hound in the company, married or not, young or old, will see you as an easy piece of meat and you will be hit on day after day. It doesn't sound like a very exciting future.

"I can't throw you out of the house as it's in both our names. Plus, I don't see why I should have to pay for a hotel when I did nothing wrong. Until the divorce is final you move into the spare bedroom and I stay in the master. I have no plans to date so don't worry about me bringing anyone home. I ask the same of you. I don't want to know where you are going, who you are with, and never bring anyone here - ever. From now until then we are roommates sharing the house.

"I'm done talking for now and frankly heard enough from you. If you still feel like talking maybe we can find some time in a few days after we gather our thoughts and calm down. For now, I just want to be alone and then go and get my files in order. Tomorrow I have a 10:00 appointment with a lawyer."

And that is how I (she) ended my marriage.

Epilog:

It's only been six months since the divorce. Lisa didn't fight and things went pretty much as I wanted. The exception is we did not sell the house in Connecticut. Lisa needed a place to live and wasn't sure where she wanted to reside nor was she able to get a place with what would have been her share of the sale. We do have an agreement that within a year some action has to take place so she still has some time to figure it all out. I did get the house in NH where I now live. It's not the dream retirement like we had planned but it is still a great little house with plenty to do for outdoor activities. I continue to run and fish but sadly I do it alone.

Our family suffered a big blow. Prior to her actions, she was extremely close to my son and daughter in law. You know the saying "your daughter is your daughter for all of your life but your son is your son until he takes a wife"? Well that wasn't true with Lisa and our son. Even after marriage they were tight. Once my son found out what his mother did he cut all ties. He refuses her calls and went as far as to say when he has a child he will have to think long and hard before he lets Lisa into its life. I have talks with him about being so cold and I think, or hope, that at some point he can get back to a friendlier place. It does not have to be exactly like it was but going totally out of touch is cruel. Lisa knows I do not condone that behavior. But he is his own man.

Our daughter had always been tight with me. It was a true daddy's girl situation. I did more with my daughter than my son! Well, that has changed. Now she rarely speaks with me except to call and tell me what an ass I was for divorcing Lisa. She blames it all on my stubborn male ego and tells me it is my insecurities that wouldn't just let this pass. She's right, you know. But that is who I am. Pity?

Lisa calls me often but not to beg for forgiveness or to reconcile. It is really the only way she gets any info about our son and in return, I learn what's going on in my daughter's life. Our mutual friends keep us informed about each other since she doesn't tell me about what's new in her life and I don't tell her anything about what I am doing. She knows I am not actively looking for her replacement and I know that she is waiting for me to make the move to reconcile. She tells everyone that she knows she screwed up big time and she wants us to get back together. She feels if she as much goes out for lunch with a guy and I find out then she would be cheating and ruin her chances. We are divorced so that is not true but if she wants to remain celibate then that is all on her. But I admit in the short term it does make a difference to me. Maybe someday I will get to the point where I call Lisa and ask her out on a date and see if we can start all over. I don't know as my imagination often goes wild and I picture her with Blake and the anger and pain starts all over again. No one can tell me when it ends or how to make it end but until then, I am where I am and she is where she is.