All Comments on 'Burned Ch. 02'

Please continue!

...However as with the first chapter, there were a couple of problems I think you should address. Leah seems to be taking quite a passive role. As far as the story is concerned, she is one of the main characters, but when it comes to interactions, she seems to be completely unaware of what's happening, especially when it comes to sleeping with Chris. I could buy into it sufficing for the first chapter, but not the second. I don't know of any young adults who would doze off to sleep so easily with extremely palpable sexual tension present.<br><br>Another gripe I had (which also extends to chapter 1) is the dialogue. The prose of the story is fine; vocabulary is colorful and eloquent, however when this same eloquence manifests itself in the dialogue, it comes off as clunky and unnatural. People speak to one another rather informally and comfortably, not like robots reciting Shakespeare for the masses. Whenever you write dialogue, recite it in your head as a real conversation, and do not evaluate them as well-structured sentences on a page. Real dialogue must flow. If it doesn't, it retains the regal loftiness of the rest of the prose, which makes it difficult for any of the characters to have a real voice.<br><br>As I said above, the chapters have indeed been enjoyable to read, however I think they could be improved if the above issues are addressed in some fashion. You have a great idea brewing, and it has potential to develop in a multitude of ways. Things are always tricky when someone is experiencing a great loss; Leah is undoubtedly sincere in her need for comfort, however it's clear now that despite that, there is and has been a mutual attraction. This can pave the way for a taboo lust/love story (especially with the whole "...my Leah..." instance. I'm a romantic at heart, but again, it felt forced and clunky.), which could definitely become interesting.<br><br>Whatever you decided to do, I don't think the story will fully flourish if it continues to be marred by unrealistic dialogue.

The story's great and the girl is hot as hell and that's the most important thing. I'm definitely looking forward to more here. Still, jackal man nailed it. The dialog is too stiff and formal. I'd go him one further though and say that the narrative is also too stiff and formal. Lines such as "I had ejaculated against said female cousin's ass" just don't belong here. Neither do the preponderence of dry descriptions such as "tumescent", not in this type of story. Are you writing erotica or are you conducting research on the mating habits of the female of the human species?

Then there's things like this: "I stopped, and as I listened, I closed my eyes and imagined my cousin sitting in the tub, recumbent in the warm bath, the water enveloping and caressing her naked body. I could see her breasts buoyant in the water, suspended in the embrace of the warm liquid, undulating as the water rocked back and forth across the tub."

"Recumbent"? "Suspended in the embrace of the warm liquid"?

"Warm liquid"? It's bath water, not molten silver!

You're writing this like some Harry Potter looking kid who's trying to fob himself off as Sensitive Poet Guy to the cute brunette Goth chick sitting next to him in freshman English Lit.

Seriously, you're trying way too hard here. Write more from the heart and less from the dusty aisles of the third floor of the library. We all know those flowery words. We get it. They have their place. That place isn't here though, not in a story about a guy trying to sneaky fuck his cousin's ass. Just let your cock write the story for you. Your cock would never say, "...said female cousin's ass" or "tumescent." Listen to your cock. Your cock is wise in the ways of the fuck story. Your cock will never steer you wrong, at least not when you're writing erotica.

One other thing: Try not to use devices such as the guy saying he was trapped and he couldn't get his cock back in his boxers. That's just silly. He was able to reach down and pull his cock through the fly without getting "caught" so he could've just as easily reached back down and pulled his boxers back over his cock without getting "cuaght." She obviously wasn't going to call him on it, either way. If you want to have his bare cock touching her bare ass just write it that way. He couldn't resist, so he didn't resist. He pulled his boxers off. Just don't cop out and try to get overly cute and clever with these implausible narratives.

One last thing: Obviously the girl is going to have to acknowledge what's going on, what with her waking up to an ass covered in cum. Even if it's an unspoken admission via some physical act such as smiling at him as she lets him watch her discover her cum covered ass with her fingers you're going to need to let her actively join the game here, very soon.

This is a good story. You're accomplishing the main goal of erotica, which is to create desirable characters and an exciting premise. You get a 75 for that, bare minimum, and it won't take much to fix the few things which keep it from being a 100. Keep it going.

I wrote that comment and submitted it with paragraph spacing. jackal man's comment includes paragraph spacing, but mine doesn't. Mine was formatted into one long run on paragraph.

What do we need to do in order to get paragraph spacing in these comments? (I just wrote this as a second paragraph too, just to see if it'd again get lumped together as one paragraph. It obviously did. What am I doing wrong?)

Apparently literotica does not interpret blank spaces as paragraph breaks. I've found you must use HTML coding. For example, to insert a paragraph break, use either

<BR>

< P> or

<BR>< BR>< BR>,

<BR>omitting the spaces after the <.

Paragraph one.<p>

Paragraph two.<p>

Sweet. It worked. Thanks, Anonymous! Now my comments won't look so retarded!

Please continue

It seems to be written by a Canadian academic.

The writer uses bum and ass both to mean buttocks = Canadian.

Constantly uses 'correct' terms like penis = an academic, not an 18 year old man.

Meh, little boring and 'weird-ed' is not hyphenated.

This was just a repeat of what has already happened. 😳 It would have been nice to see the story advance more. I still gave you a 5/5, but you probably didn't earn it.

can't wait to have her ass fucked...