Calluses Pt. 09: Gone

Not even a ghost.

***

There were only a handful of weeks left in the summer, and I spent all of them alone.

I studied up on forest management, recreation and tourism; anything to distract myself from the creeping hole in the core of me, eating away at everything I'd ever thought I was. It worked well enough, at least for a time, despite the odd nightmare every now and then...but I knew it was just a bandaid on a broken leg.

I poured the rest of my energy into the gym, and daily ten mile runs through the heart of the city, keeping myself numb...

It was during one of these runs, when I was coming up on the last couple miles down a main avenue, that I saw Kevin in the wide picture window of a coffee shop.

He was sitting alone in a booth, tucked away in the corner with a mug, tablet, and an open book, wearing those stupid, massive headphones and bobbing to the music. He looked good, blond hair cut short at the sides, scanning the pages at his fingertips, eyes alight with the sharp, piercing mind behind them. Fall semester was still a couple weeks out, but of course he was studying like it was already finals week, an overachiever through and through...

A siren crept into the world. It wailed from somewhere far off, steadily rising, getting closer...and a spike of adrenaline shot up from my guts, tore into my chest, and my legs weren't working. I had to slow down and focus on the concrete to keep my heart from exploding, shut my eyes...count to ten...

I didn't realize I'd stopped completely until I looked up, and locked eyes with Kevin through the glass. I stood there on the curb like a gap-mouthed mannequin, flush with nerves, panting like a lost dog as we stared at each other. It only lasted a few seconds at most, bleeding out into minutes...

He looked away first, pretending nothing had happened, and buried his nose in the book.

I blinked, swallowed. Caught my breath. The siren was fading, as they always did, and soon enough it was gone. There was only the sigh of leaves in the wind, the occasional clack of an acorn hitting the brick of the sidewalk, and the shaky panting in my own throat.

The door to the coffee shop was propped open with a hideous cement planter in the shape of a scottie dog, so I went inside. I glanced down the row of tables as I stepped up to the counter, trying to read him, but his face was a blank slate.

"Whatchu havin, sweetie?" asked the barista, a bored young-ish woman with pretty blue eyes and some gray in her hair.

"I...what's good?" I fanned myself with my own shirt collar, sweating all over, even if it wasn't all that hot indoors. A wisp of cool air touched my belly as the cloth pulled away, and she definitely snuck a look. It made me feel a little sick, being looked at like that, but I didn't let it bother me. I was wearing thin running shorts and a tight-fitting shirt, much of it clinging to my body like a second skin. She was only human.

"How about a big iced coffee? Cold brew. We make it right here." She smiled politely, smacking her chewing gum between straight, pretty teeth, looking me over. "It'll cool you down a bit. Sound good?"

"Sounds good." I glanced over at Kevin again while I waited at the counter, expecting him to be halfway through gathering up his things, maybe even out the door already...but he was still in his corner booth by the window, still pretending to study his notes. He kept on reading and jotting things down as I walked down the aisle toward him with my drink, trying not to start panting again, sweating and jittery even without any caffeine in my system.

I stopped a few paces from his table. My tongue felt too big in my mouth, armpits cold and leaking, hands clammy and numb around the dripping plastic cup. I couldn't look at him.

Now or never...

"Hey," I finally managed to say. "You mind if I sit down?"

He looked up at me, but that was all. I couldn't read him.

I shifted on my feet, digging a trainer into the hardwood floor. "Just for a minute, that's all. Then I'll go...if that's okay?"

He gestured to the empty seat, but he didn't say anything. He did take the headphones off, letting them hang around his neck, and that had to be a good sign.

"Thanks," I said, and sat down across from him...only now realizing I didn't actually know what to say. I took a sip of the coffee instead, wincing all over, because it was just as foul as I knew it'd be.

His elfin features narrowed, hardening his big green eyes. "You don't drink coffee, do you?"

"Nope," I admitted. "Tastes like dirt water, and it's probably gonna give me a headache later..." I laughed, nothing but nerves, and glanced at his empty mug. "Actually - do you want this? I only got it because..."

I gulped, already stumbling over myself, but he didn't seem to mind. He just smiled coldly, politely, and poured the rest of my coffee into his mug. "Alright, then," he said, just as cold as his smile. "Did you want to talk about something, or...?"

I didn't let myself think; didn't try to give him any excuses. I just let the words well up in me because, by then, I knew it was the only way they'd ever be said.

"I know I don't deserve anything from you, man, but I just wanted to say something...well, two things. I can fuck off after that, so you can get back to studying or whatever, and I won't ever bother you again, but...well, I just wanted to say thank you, first of all. I never really did that. For taking me to the hospital that day...all of it. Thank you. You're a really good person." It felt so good to say it, right out there in the open - the truth.

He blinked, taking it in. I couldn't read his expression, but at least it was real.

"And - and I'm sorry I was so fucked up to you after that. I wasn't...thinking right, back then. You deserved so much better for your, uh...your first time. And you aren't a - I mean, maybe you're gay, bi, whatever - doesn't matter. I never should have called you that. It won't happen again, and you can tell me to fuck off right now and I'll go, but I just..."

I stopped and took a deep, even breath, another, slowing myself down. "You think you could ever...forgive me for all that? One day? Doesn't have to be right now or anything...or ever, if that's what you want, but...if you did, it'd really mean a lot to me. Honest. That's...that's all." I leaned back in the chair, lightheaded. "I guess that's all." I forced myself to look at him, even if it made me so nervous I thought I might puke...

He wasn't smiling, but he didn't look angry either. He just looked blank, absorbing it all, or maybe just letting the shock wear off. He chose his words carefully, and spoke them clearly, looking right into my eyes.

"You don't have to be sorry, man."

I let out a ragged breath I didn't even know I was holding. "Really? I thought you might...hate me, I guess. Wouldn't blame you."

It was his turn to laugh nervously, even if he was still just as guarded as before. "I don't hate you, Mike. I'm not even mad at you anymore. I know you were in a real bad spot...I can't even imagine...but maybe, if I knew why you did any of it in the first place, it'd be a lot easier for me to...I don't know. Put it behind us?"

He looked at me sideways, not exactly warm about it, but the words stuck the way they needed to. "Not saying we're gonna be best buddies or anything..."

My heart was pounding up into my throat, fight or flight, but I swallowed it down. "I can tell you," I stammered, not ready to believe this was happening. "As much - as much as you want to know. I want to."

"You sure?"

"If you are. It's not exactly...I mean...it'sa lot." I was wringing my hands under the table, sweating all over again. "I've only told one other person, and he...well, it didn't really go the way I wanted it to. I fucked it up pretty bad."

He smirked, but it wasn't unkind. "I mean, you already fucked up pretty bad with me, so it can only go up from here. Right? Just as long as you're sure."

"I am," I said, because it was true.

He slipped the headphones off his neck as he studied my face, my eyes, and his smile wasn't just polite this time...it was warm.

"Okay then," he said. "Go ahead."

I looked around the empty coffee shop, at the young-ish barista on her phone behind the counter at the far end, barely aware of our existence.

"Right...right now?"

"Why not? Nobody here but us."

For some reason, I believed him...and the bottom dropped out of the world, and there was nothing outside that quiet booth in the corner. He gave me a nod, turned off his tablet, and closed the book in front of him.

(end)