Can it be Rebuilt

I asked, "You said you wanted me to hold you yet you turned your back on me. Did you really think I would have blamed you? I know many who research miscarriages and their causes. No one blames the mother."

Margaret smiled, "I know you'd have supported me. My mum and I went over it repeatedly. It's who you were. Sarah and I have spoken a lot about this and I still don't fully understand the cause of my actions. In my hormone induced state with my emotions, logic, love lost to guilt. She says it's how I processed my guilt along with the other parts which caused it."

I asked, "How did Darren and you hook up?"

She looked at me sadly, "It was about six weeks after the miscarriage and we were at the company summer barbeque. I was watching from the side lines and Darren approached me. He had seen how unhappy I looked. I had no sense of any feelings. I felt empty but filled with such sadness. I pretended to be enjoying myself whenever you were about. As we talked, Maggie started to appear. I don't recall what we spoke about but a few days later he saw me at the mall. We had a coffee. It was like friends meeting.

"We did see each other a lot, meeting at lunchtime near my office. I must have told him my schedule or Maggie did though she was more hidden at the beginning. She was to the fore whenever we met. He seemed to be able to connect to her, lift her depression. She grew as he played her. I was so confused when I thought later why had I done something. It was Maggie but I wasn't really aware at the beginning. Later Maggie and I fought over what she was doing.

"It must have been six weeks later we became intimate for the first time. You were away for a couple of days. I didn't have to think about being home for you. I had always refused before as I had to be home for you. Maggie took over that day.

"Maggie and Darren were sexual partners once or twice a week for about five weeks before and a couple after it all blew up. It was mostly at lunchtime. Maggie stayed with him when you were away if she could. As we weren't having sex because of me, you were never given sloppy seconds. They did use condoms.

"I'll tell you the sexual parts if you wish. He wasn't a better lover than you or bigger than you. He just had a better partner than you." She blushed.

I was dumbfounded. Sarah asked her, "You said previously Maggie gave him blowjobs but not anal, why?"

Margaret really blushed, "Margaret stopped her. Margaret wasn't happy Maggie was with Darren, she wanted to be with Dan. She didn't like Maggie giving him blowjobs, these should be for Dan. He didn't like not being allowed to cum in her mouth. She sprayed him over her tits instead. If anyone had her bum it had to be Dan. His penis was smaller than Dan's and he didn't look to really make Maggie enjoy it. It was more about his own release. Twice was the most he could manage in a session."

Sarah asked quietly, "Why had Margaret not given Dan blowjobs, anal and you said you didn't let him eat you out either. Why?"

Margaret looked down before looking me in the eyes. I've never seen her so red from blushing. She was crying, "I loved the few times I let Dan eat me out. I stopped him as I knew it was wrong if I didn't eat him. I only wanted Dan to have my body. I saved as much as I could for him but Maggie won sometimes. I did want to give him more but I was so embarrassed as I only thought I'd fail."

Sarah asked, "Why was Maggie a better sex partner?"

Margaret was beetroot, she stammered, "She used her mouth, she got on top, she wore sexy lingerie, all the things Dan wanted from Margaret. Even Maggie wasn't sure she was doing it right. She was enthusiastic but not skilled. She was more involved, she swore, told him what to do."

Sarah asked, "What did Margaret want?"

Margaret looked at me, "I wanted Dan to spank my bum and fuck me for being a bitch."

Sarah said, "Make love to you?"

Margaret almost shouted, "NO! Fuck me, no thought to my pleasure, Take me, Use me!"

She was staring at me through her tear streaming eyes.

I couldn't believe this was Margaret speaking. She'd never liked to discuss sex.

Sarah asked her, "Why!"

Margaret screamed, "I lost our baby, I needed punished!" She dissolved into even more tears. It took her a few minutes to recover some composure.

Sarah turned to me, "Were you happy with your sex life? If not what did you try to do to improve it?"

I took a few moments, "At first though I knew it was restricted, I enjoyed it. I tried to make it enjoyable for Margaret. As time went on, I became unsatisfied as we could do a lot more. I knew she enjoyed it when I ate her but she denied that. Her enjoyment has seldom seemed to be important to her. Whenever I tried to mention it, to see if we could improve it, she'd blush but almost hide away. Each time she retreated more so I stopped. She mentioned Maggie wore sexy clothing. The thought of that was a big surprise as if I suggested buying anything other than her functional underwear it meant the cold shoulder treatment.

"We still had a sex life until her miscarriage but only a couple of times a month. She never instigated it and I didn't want to appear I was forcing myself on her."

Sarah said, "I expected as much. I asked the question you wouldn't as almost universally men have a need to know even if they express the opposite view. Men's egos are surprisingly fragile about their sexual prowess."

Sarah asked, "What do you think of what Margaret wishes?"

My jaw dropped, "I'm stunned. Who is this Margaret? It would have been mind-blowing, certainly worth considering. I had thought of something similar, just being overcome with passion, both being able to do that. I don't see the need for any punishment. Miscarriages are common, traumatic yes but not punishable offences."

Sarah turned to Margaret, "When I said, at the right time, I could help your sexual fears so you could have a very good sex life what did you say?"

Margaret looked like a deer held in a headlight, "I said No. I only wanted to make love to Dan."

Sarah smiled, "If Dan asked you to make love would you consider it?"

The surprise and fear which went across Margaret's face was stunning, as she stumbled to reply, "Yes!" She dissolved into even more tears.

Sarah let her gather her composure, "In the weeks we have been speaking what have you discovered about yourself?"

Margaret looked at her, "I ignored so many problems rather than confront them. I found stuff the nurse had left following my miscarriage. I had hidden it as I couldn't accept I'd lost our baby. It said to speak with family, friends, seek professional help. All the things she'd told me to do. I'd lied to her when I said I would.

"I now know I should have spoken to Dan to make arrangements to see you years ago to fix our problems and sex life."

Sarah teased more, "What problems?"

Margaret looked at me sadly, "I've never felt I deserved Dan. I like to think I'm intelligent though recent events show that is false. We used to speak about everything but gradually we stopped. We seemed to have a fence around us, we never spoke about our innermost fears. He did support me and I tried to support him but there seemed to be something missing. I have never found what it is but it feels like it's there."

Sarah spoke to me, "Do you recognise anything like that?"

I thought before I answered, "In all honesty - yes. I couldn't put a finger on it but like our sex life something was missing. I loved Margaret and I felt I didn't deserve her. She's beautiful, lively or was, she seemed to lose some sparkle over the years. I did probably as well. I used my work to cover for me at times.

"She is intelligent. She's doing well in her career. She is right, in hindsight, we stopped making the effort to listen to each other."

Sarah asked, "Had you reconciled and Margaret suggested having counselling would you have agreed?"

I smiled, "Yes. My brother Ben was the one to suggest this. He said I needed to find myself."

Sarah smiled, "Do you think you have found yourself?"

I shook my head, "No. My mum and colleagues say working with you has helped me enormously in how I interact, relate to them. I suppose discovering the affair rocked who I thought I was. I haven't found myself again."

Sarah said quietly, "Had you reconciled would you have wanted to act on your sex life?"

I blushed, "Yes!"

Sarah spoke quietly, "Margaret, what are your feelings about Dan?"

Margaret spoke very softly, with a lot of sadness, "I'm so sorry about what I did to hurt him so much, he feels so broken, he's lost who he is!"

Sarah smiled, "That's not what I asked. How do you feel about Dan? Be honest."

Margaret looked at me, tears streaming down her face, "I love Dan. I'll always love Dan. How I threw that away will haunt me until I die."

I was shocked both at Sarah's question and Margaret's answer.

Sarah asked me, "How do you feel about Margaret?"

I looked at her. Her face gave nothing away. Margaret's showed she knew some venom was coming her way.

I spoke firmly, "I'm still having to fight my desire to kill her."

Sarah almost looked happy, "Why have you never lost your anger?"

I thought, "Her betrayal wounded me so deeply."

Sarah spoke firmly, "It's been four months since the divorce, why have you not let the anger go?"

I looked at Sarah, "I don't know. Maybe because I've been so busy at work as we set up the new laboratories and finding the staff."

Sarah said firmly, "You're avoiding the answer. You know it. I know it. We've been everywhere trying to find a suitable answer for you but you haven't found one. You admit you've used work to avoid problems in your marriage. This is another example. Until you're honest, you won't be able to get rid of the anger and you'll never find the true you.

"Why?"

Margaret was looking at me with her eyes wide. She spoke softly, "Dan, Sarah had to drag my answer out of me as I didn't want to admit how much I'd fucked my life by my actions. It hurt like nothing I have ever experienced. It has also helped me make a few steps forward. Be truthful to yourself."

I looked at both of them. Neither spoke. This was on me. Finally, I had to answer, "I don't know. Whenever I think about what happened, I just have this rage. I can't see beyond it."

Sarah looked happy, "Dan, this is what we have discussed on many occasions. I have thoughts on why. Subconsciously I think you do as well. I had to hypnotise Margaret to get through her wall to find her answer. She looked at everything only through her guilt. You look through your anger. I think you're finally at a stage where hypnosis may be beneficial for you. Not just now but at our next session. Please consider it."

I was surprised when the rest of the session dealt with our early years together, what we did together, what the other did to exasperate us? Where we felt we started to drift apart? We hadn't but Sarah pointed out our answers had shown we no longer had that same cohesiveness in our approach to things. What had started this?

I left as confused as I'd been at the beginning. I think Margaret the same. Mum and I went home and over more cups of tea, she grilled me. She could have been a Prosecutor in court for her questions seemed honed to inflict maximum turmoil in my mind.

As it approached the time Dad was coming for her she asked, "Do you still love Margaret?"

I looked at her, "Sarah asked my feelings about her I couldn't answer. Margaret says she loves me. She'd tried to deny it but Sarah had her confront her truth. Sarah asked me to consider hypnosis to try and break down my anger. Do you think I could love her after what she did?"

Mum smiled, "I think it's the only answer as it's the only one you've never allowed yourself to consider. The depth of your love is equal to the depth of her betrayal. Your anger is greater than both. It feeds on those two components.

"How recognising that helps you, I'll leave that for Sarah. I have no expectation of any reconciliation neither does Diane. Honesty with yourself can start that first step to be Dan. If Sarah helps as much with personal Dan as business Dan, you'll be an awesome catch for somebody."

Dad came in sparing me further torture. He was happy. He hugged and kissed mum. I asked what had him so happy.

He smiled, "Janice's mum took the stitches out. I was so embarrassed. She was laughing. She liked the tone of my bum. She thinks my skin's in good condition for my age. She'd remove the hairs as they make her job more difficult. When she said she'd need to check the front I just about jumped up before I remembered what she'd see! She was laughing. She had been distracting me as I never felt the stitches coming out. She said your mum should view the scar. The GP is a stitching wizard.

"The pathology was back. It was the right call to remove it. It had some precancerous style cells but everything is clear. I can even sit in peace."

Mum gave him a big kiss. "I'll call her later and update her on how the front is doing. If she needs it confirmed I could suggest she come and help check you out. You always fantasied about me with another woman. Could you manage both of us?"

Dad and I blushed together.

A dazed dad took mum home. I was left with all my thoughts. "Did I still love Margaret? If I did what does that mean for the future?" My anger came through, "How the hell could I still love the fucking whore?"

I made my dinner and ruminated. I was no further forward. I had a large dram, a nice Cragganmore 12-year-old malt. I added one drop of water. It tastes so smooth and inviting. I had run so many simulations with no success. My analytical brain made a move, take the one scenario you haven't done since the explosion. I heard the word "Coward" as I tried another scenario. It must have been the second or more likely third large dram when I allowed that scenario to run. I was shocked at the answer. How fucked up was I?

The next few nights I spent analysing what I had found. I'm not ashamed to admit, I was in tears a lot of the time. Sarah had said my anger was holding me from exposing my feelings. I wish I could rebuild this wall she had spoken about. My feelings were tearing me apart.

At least at work, I was functioning. Martin had been so supportive, he took a lot of stuff off me when he saw how raw I was. He said, "Dan, I knew this would happen. You need time to understand your feelings. You've bottled so much up, it had to come out eventually. Speak with your mum or Ben."

I called my mum and took the afternoon off. She let me explain everything I had found, concealed more like. She held me as I cried. She made me answer some questions I had refused to answer to myself. I wouldn't say I was better when we finished but she was happy with the progress. Is she a counsellor in training?

Next day I had Sarah. I told her what had occurred and what my mum and I discussed. She asked a few very sharp, deep questions which flayed me. She did hypnotise me so she could do two things, help me relax and find what I still had hidden. The relaxing stuff was good. The other stuff when I listened to myself had me crying like I've never done before.

At the end, I asked, "Where do I go from here?"

Sarah said calmly, "There is no set journey, the wounds have left you so raw, so hurt, you can't see any future. Don't try and solve it, take time, listen to yourself, allow the way you wish to go forward to come. Don't force it. It may be days or even weeks away. You know your true feelings, how you act is to be determined."

I spent the weekend in thought. When that didn't do anything, I did the garden, walked miles but I never came up with any answers.

I wasn't looking forward to the joint session. I didn't have answers and I suspected Sarah would ask the questions. How could I explain this?

Both Margaret and I were very apprehensive as we entered her room. My mum had hugged me and said, "Just be yourself!" Diane was looking worried. None of the joint sessions had ended with us in a good place.

Sarah started, "Margaret, Dan and I had a very productive session on Friday. He probably doesn't think so. His wall has been well and truly breached. I doubt he knows the answers to his questions as he fought so hard not to ask them. I do wish him to explain what the wall hid. Dan?"

I looked at Sarah whose face showed she knew she was placing me into a hard place but she thought I had to face it. Margaret was looking on, fear in her eyes. She was holding her hands nervously.

I took a few deep breaths to control my rapid heart rate. I spoke firmly, trying not to focus on either of them.

"Since the moment my world collapsed, my constant companion has been anger. I wouldn't allow anything to attack that anger. I needed it to protect myself from the feelings inside me. To learn that Margaret had a miscarriage and why she failed to tell anyone, the consequences for her and by that action, us. I ruminated on it, could I, should I have been a better husband for her. Each time, I thought like that, my anger would kick in, why was I considering what the fucking whore went through, look what she did to me."

Margaret started crying.

I continued, "After our last joint session, I felt I was coming apart. I did ask the question, both my mum and Sarah had told me I needed to ask. My anger fought it, almost ripping me apart but probably after a dram too many, I finally asked myself that question. I hated the answer and looked at any others I could scrape together to deny it but none stuck.

"Martin saw how impaired I was and made me go home and speak with my mum. She was like Sarah, asked questions which squeezed the answers out of me. I have never cried so much. When I saw Sarah I told her and she used a scalpel to dig those thoughts hidden so deep within me I never knew they were there. Like she said, I don't have any answers, just questions as to where this answer leads.

"Today is the first time I haven't felt like murdering Margaret when I saw her.

"Margaret, when you talked last week, you said you love me. You would always love me. You'd deny yourself any pleasure with any other person. I heard your remorse. It wasn't just words, it was the tone of anguish, your whole body showed how guilty you felt due to the pain you had caused.

"I had to finally agree with my mum when she had said months ago, my anger was a combination of my love for you and my sense of betrayal. I do love you. I've never stopped loving you and I can't see myself never loving you. I just don't know if that is enough to build a new relationship. I'm lost."

I stopped and realised I was crying so hard, I couldn't see anyone. When I could see I was astounded to see that Margaret was crying equally as hard. Her face showed her shock at my words.

Once we had both recovered somewhat, Sarah asked Margaret, "How do you feel about what Dan has said?"

Margaret looked between us, "I can't fathom it out. He must hate me not love me. I hurt him so badly. I'm stunned."

Sarah smiled, "There were only two possibilities for the anger. Love or Hate. Whenever you were sobbing, he had a concerned look on his face. At times he even wanted to hold you, to comfort you. If he moved even a millimetre his anger took over. You only saw the anger. I felt it was love because of his actions but he had to come to terms with it himself.

"Where it will lead, where your love for him will lead, we don't know. At the very least, I hope you will feel comfortable enough to be friendly whenever you meet."

Sarah went back through what we had discussed last week, how our relationship changed and sought the reasons. She teased some answers which I certainly never saw coming. Neither did Margaret.

Towards the end, she asked, "Why did you ask Margaret out?"

I looked at her. We had never discussed this. I thought before I answered as my mind recalled the moment. I smiled. I laughed before I answered, "Your assumption is wrong. I'd been persuaded to go to this party. I wasn't that sociable then. She's made me far more sociable. At the party, I saw Margaret. She was stunningly beautiful. Her hair was shaped to capture the beauty of her face. Her eyes were so expressive and her smile captured my heart. She was so out of my league I didn't approach her. She did bat a few would be suitors away. I caught her dancing which showed she had a lovely body as well.