Can the Phoenix Rise

"If your mum does fuck him, I can't stay married to her.

"Your mum isn't showing that she cares in any way for me, for any of us.

"I wanted to catch her, go for lunch in a public place so we'd talk, not scream at each other. She came out with him. I lost it. I shouted at him so much he pissed himself. All her colleagues know what she intends. Many I know as well. I'm sure I embarrassed your mum but did she think of the embarrassment she was inflicting on me, lunching or heading off to fuck him. No!

"I feel I don't know your mum anymore. I never expected her to behave in this way. I've tried many times to have her go to counselling to try and help us. Now I think it's too late. She's lost in her fantasy that Nancy has sown the seeds for.

"I'll try and make it as easy as I can on you all but I'll never change my view. I've told your mum if she fucks him before we're divorced, I'll go scorched earth. I'll make sure she gets the absolute minimum. He won't come out of this unscathed.

"Your mum has to change. She has to show she wants a future as a family not a whore. Things have to change very soon if there is to be any hope. I don't see any, I'm sorry to say."

I hugged her. "What won't change is that I love the three of you."

I reheated a pizza and ate in my office. I hated my life had come to this. I rechecked all my figures. I looked at what I would have offered and the scorch earth absolute minimum the court would theoretically allow me to get away with.

I looked through her company contract. There was nothing which prohibited relationships between staff members or senior to subordinate. I'd have to embarrass the firm more discreetly than suing them.

I looked at job vacancies within my field. There were a few which were of interest if I wished to move away. I felt I wouldn't stay in Dundee. The salaries would be a substantial hike on my present one. Maybe keep those options for after the divorce.

I came out at bedtime. No one was in the living room. I spotted Sam's bag lying just inside the front door. I put it up on the stand. It was open and I saw her phone. I've never pried into her phone but I looked at it. I punched in her code but it had been changed. Another raised flag. I went back to my office and changed my passwords for a number of accounts she'd have had access to before. I changed the code on my phone.

I checked the kids and they were all subdued. I hugged them and told them I loved them. This wasn't their fault.

I went into the main bedroom. Sam was lying on the bed. Her look meant I never bothered to speak. I collected all I needed and retired to the couch.

Again, I left prior to anyone being up. I focussed on my work. At lunch, I saw my line boss having lunch with arsehole. They seemed like old pals. I didn't like what I was seeing.

I contacted the counsellor and explained my quandary. She had a free session at 2pm on Thursday so I booked that.

It was late afternoon when that boss approached me. He seemed nervous. "Ben, can I have a word?" I nodded.

"Ben, I understand you had words with my friend, Simon Dewar who's Sam's new boss." Again, I nodded.

My boss blushed, "Ben, he is a skirt chaser. He can be charming but he has a serious flaw. He likes to fuck his staff. He's trying it on with Sam. Once he's fucked her, he'll leave her alone. It will just be the once. Surely your marriage can survive that."

I looked at him and he flinched, my anger was rising, "You can let him know I meant every word. Once or twenty times makes no difference. He's a sexual predator and he needs to lose his equipment so he won't endanger more marriages. If Sam fucks him, we are done. He'll get his comeuppance.

"Has he fucked your wife?"

My boss was mad. I laughed, "Yeah, it's okay when it's not yours but what happens when he wants her. You don't need him as a friend.

"One thing this has done is make me look at myself, my career. If we divorce I can't see me staying in Dundee. Especially as I'm so poorly paid. If you value me at all give me a new contract. If you want to treat me like arsehole does his staff, I'll not be hanging around."

I called in at Mike's on the way home. My purchases had arrived. We discussed my options which were getting smaller. He offered to have me stay with him, he had plenty of room, if I needed to leave the house.

Once home the house was still like a morgue. I assumed the kids were in their rooms. There was an envelope addressed to me. It was postmarked the company Sam works for. I opened it. It was from the managing director regarding my behaviour on the Monday. I was banned from visiting the premises or attending any company function. I composed my reply to him. I pointed out that they had a sexual predator as a manager who was preying on his junior staff. I had had that confirmed by three sources. His actions had seriously if not irrevocably damaged my marriage. If they did nothing to not only dismiss him but ensure that any future employers knew of him sexually abusing staff, I would ensure that the company's failure to act enters the public domain.

I dropped it through their letterbox on my way to work the next morning.

On Thursday, my boss wasn't happy I was having an extended lunch break. I told him I had worked the hours and this was a counsellor I was seeing due to the actions of his little dicked pal. As I left, I said, "I don't see any sign of a new contract."

The counsellor Nikki was very business-like delving into the problems as I presented them. She asked some direct questions to tease more depth to my answers. I explained the slowing down of communication and withdrawal from an active if restricted sex life. I did admit I had tried to engage with Sam on numerous occasions earlier in our relationship but she had refused to contemplate seeing a therapist. I was in tears as I explained what Saturday had revealed and its aftermath. She asked, "What do you wish to achieve?"

I shook my head, "I don't know. I'm so angry, I can't see if I have any love left for her. This has so blindsided me, it's like I never knew her. If she does fuck him or anyone else, we're done. Even if she doesn't we're so scarred, can we recover?"

She appreciated the fact that this had been a tsunami for me. She gave me some exercises to try and focus my mind, to reduce the anger. Once she had me calmer she started on how I could approach Sam to open the discussion we needed to have. She offered services if Sam was serious about trying to keep her marriage. She could spot those who were only there for show. They didn't like her dissecting them.

I left still no further forward but a bit calmer.

I went back to work and continued through to the standard knocking off time. I left to the confused looks from others there. I explained, "He's been underpaying me so I'm only going to work my contracted hours. You should do the same. Look at the technical sites and you'll see many jobs, even in Dundee with 15-20% higher salaries, some even more."

I was home first for a change. I went into the main bedroom and removed my clothing for the next day. I put a video camera in the fire alarm. It covered the whole bedroom. If it was the size of a ten pence piece I was probably exaggerating. I put others in the living room, kitchen and laundry room. I had set up a file on my computer with dual password encryption. They were activated by motion. I had the house landline bugged. I had a bug for her handbag as well. I'd placed it in there when I came in on the Tuesday night.

It had several activations but nothing which waved the red flag.

When no one was home by 7pm I went to the fish and chip shop for my tea. Lovely.

It was close to ten pm when the four of them came in. I looked at them. I spoke slowly and firmly to Sam, "This is a school night. This is beyond their curfew."

Mark spoke sarcastically, "Give it a rest dad. We're home."

I turned on him, my anger apparent, "You're fourteen. Unless you want to go to social services and tell them you've been thrown out, you'll never speak to me like that again. Your mother may think she can but she's very close to finding the divorce papers in her hands."

I turned to Sam, "If you think treating them may get them to accept what you're doing, it won't work for long. You've avoided me like the plague since Sunday. We need to talk, even if it's just for you to confirm you want a divorce."

I went back to my office. I went to bed shortly after. I never checked on the kids. Probably the first time in years.

Friday was another day. I worked my contracted hours and no more. Several others did the same. Moaning face was not happy.

I was home and had a plan for my weekend. There was another dinner party but I wouldn't be attending. I had a few jobs around the house which would be better done as they would raise the value.

Sam came in looking very happy. She threw me a brown envelope on her way to her room. It was a copy of a petition for a restraining order against me due to my mental cruelty and erratic, aggressive behaviour. I only read the first paragraph. My anger was rising.

I had two documents prepared on my computer so I printed those off.

I called her down. She was laughing at me. I asked about the kids and she said they'd spend the weekend at her parents. She knew we needed to talk. She didn't want them to be eavesdropping. I handed her the two documents. Her eyes widened.

One - petition for divorce citing irretrievable differences, fifty-fifty breakdown of assets and debts, alimony, childcare, university fund to be continued to be funded. Shared mortgage until Eileen left for university and then house sold, split the profit.

Two - petition for divorce citing irretrievable differences due to adultery with Simon Dewar. Absolute minimum regarding alimony, childcare. House to be sold. University fund and profit on house shared.

Due to her actions, number one was only an option if she passed a lie detector test.

I smiled, "Your petition for a restraining order shows the breakdown in our marriage completely.

"My boss is a friend of arsehole. Dewar likes to fuck his employees once, to show his superiority apparently. I should suck it up. When I asked him if he was happy for Dewar to fuck his wife, he was mad at me! You've thrown away your marriage for a little dicked arsehole."

Sam was reading the petitions, her anger building. She looked at me, "Why have you done this?"

I looked at her. I spoke firmly, the resolve clear, "You've done nothing but scream at me or ignore me since Saturday. If looks could kill I'd be dead. I was looking at all my options. These were the options if we went as far as divorce. I saw a counsellor Nikki yesterday to see if she could help me with my anger. Due to it, I couldn't see if there was any hope for us. She was trying to get me to relax, focus on what you meant to me. She offered to see you if you were serious about trying to save our marriage. She sees too many bullshitters who play at wanting to save their marriage, to look good to their friends.

"I've said repeatedly we needed to talk, to see a counsellor but that didn't suit you. Long before this last week. The restraining order shows you're setting me up as the bad guy. I'll fight and prove everything.

"Tell me what you want. Explain how you think we can get there if it's not a divorce. It better not include fucking others."

She looked at me. I could tell she wanted to explode but this had been set up to speak so she had to speak.

Sam began slowly, "I don't know what possessed you on Saturday night. I've never seen you lose the plot so quickly. There was no need for it."

I lifted my hand for her to stop. I spoke firmly, "Sam, Nancy and you set this up. Granted you didn't expect me to react the way I did. In much the same way, I never expected to be set up by you in such a way. At least start by being truthful. Nikki said without truth there can be no healing. Lies will poison the well even further. What happened before Saturday that made you think you could railroad me?"

Sam was angry at me for pointing out the true cause of our conflict.

She looked at me. My game face was on. I was resolved it was the truth or I'd be gone.

She looked down, "Simon started six weeks ago. He's made no effort to hide he wants to fuck all of us. He may be a little shit but being desired hit me. I looked at our pitiful sex life." She looked almost contrite, "I know I am much to blame. You've tried to get me to be more open to play, roleplay, allow you to do more. No matter how much I knew I should consider it, I knocked you back.

"I know you don't try often now as I reject you rather than welcome you.

"Simon's openness that he wanted to fuck all of us somehow turned me on. He's laughed at me, hiding my body from him. He stroked my back or my hair. I could feel myself getting aroused. He doesn't see my nipples sticking out because of the bras you hate. I don't think I have any underwear you like anymore but my monsters caught my arousal. I'm sure he could smell me.

"He played me. I told him, if I fucked him, you'd beat the crap out of him and divorce me. No adultery, we'd been agreed on that. Nancy said if we got you to agree then it wouldn't be adultery. Nancy couldn't believe you wouldn't go for it. A one-time fuck and we'd energise our sex life. I had the fantasy you'd agree and it wouldn't be adultery. My conscience told me you'd never agree. We set it up and you exploded. Your reaction was even more ferocious than I had expected. I saw your love for me draining from you as you shouted.

"After you left, I got absolutely drunk. The others were saying, "if I fucked Simon I was throwing my life, my family away." They all agreed with you. I saw how fucking stupid I'd been. On the Sunday, I had texts from Judith and Eileen. They were so scared we were going to get divorced. They had never seen you so angry.

"It hit me what my actions were causing. I came home angry and screamed at you. I was really screaming at myself. I couldn't face you after that. I was so ashamed of my behaviour and didn't know what to do.

"You were gone when I got up for work on Monday. You've never left not saying goodbye or kissing me. You never even spoke to the kids. They were shocked as you've never done that before. I knew that was all the fault of me. Never before have you been so angry you didn't put us first.

"I forced myself to go in to work. I was a bloody mess and so down. Lunchtime he suggested we head off together to the café. I couldn't refuse though my conscience was saying stay away from this bastard. You shouting at me woke me up to what he really intended. He was headed to the hotel down the street. I thought the blood vessels in your neck would explode, they were so enlarged by your anger. When you moved towards him, he pissed himself. I just about did as well. Despite that he's still on at me to fuck him.

"Ben, I haven't fucked anyone other than you since we first became a couple.

"I don't know how to fix us, me. I know the kids are struggling and it's all because of me."

I asked quietly, "Was it Nancy or Dewar who had you go for a restraining order? Who is playing you? Does Nancy want you to be a whore like her? Julian wasn't happy with what he saw. He never knew she played around."

Sam paled, "Nancy, Julian saw her reaction to you asking if she fucked others. She's fucked Simon. She's never said how it was so I presume he's a disappointment. They're in serious trouble as well. She wanted to get her own back on you. She told me it would scare you into agreeing. Show I was in control."

I shook my head, "Why do I feel you still want to fuck him, crap sex and all?"

Sam looked down as she blushed, "I don't know. It's like he's opened a door into me allowing me to see myself as a sensual woman."

I looked at her with disgust, "I offered to attend counselling, see a sex therapist with you so we could fix ourselves before we came to this point in our relationship. You didn't want to. I can see now you think so little of me, your real thought was "why waste my time!"

"A poor fuck with an absolute arsehole won't fix you, it will create more problems. The main one being we won't be together. That will probably be a relief to you.

"You've never mentioned love, for me or the kids. Never talked about a future you want with us. It's been about a dismal fucker. You need to decide what you truly want. I'll work with Nikki so I know what I want. You have that option as well.

"You fuck anyone, we are done. Is that clear?"

Sam looked at me, "Yes."

She went back to her room.

I texted Julian with arsehole's name and address. Julian is like me. Arsehole may not like this weekend. He certainly won't like it when I meet up with him.

I emptied the hall cupboard which I'd said for a while needed painted. I prepared it and put the first coat of gloss on the woodwork. On the Saturday I gave it two coats of emulsion and then another final one of gloss. Apart from drinks and meals Sam stayed in her room. We only spoke sparingly.

As it was dry, I mowed the lawns and tidied the garden. I showered and began sorting through the stuff which came out of the cupboard. There were jackets the kids had grown out off. I placed them in a pile for the clothes bank at the school. I had two jackets, which I no longer used I added those. I left Sam's stuff for her. The kids other stuff they could decide.

I had one question, I needed an answer for. It had been percolating all day. I should have asked it last night. I knocked on the bedroom door. She shouted, "I'm in the bath." (It's next to the bedroom.) I shouted back, "I have a question, come through when you're finished."

As I walked away, I remembered in our early years, if she was in the bath, I'd wash her back, her front, shave her legs, sometimes her pussy. We hadn't done that in years. I smiled as I recalled it was how we had Judith. She'd got carried away and fucked me. I didn't have time to get a condom.

She came out about forty minutes later in her fleece dressing gown and fleece pyjamas. She was certainly honing her seduction technique! She asked, "What's the question?"

I looked at her, "If he's so open about this, why has no one gone to HR and reported him? Surely they would sack him."

She nodded, "It seems he's an important member of the new group of managers so they'll stand by him. The firm needs saving because of the old managers apparently. The managing director came to me. He wasn't happy with you. I told him and he just said, "fuck him and it will be over with!" as he walked away."

I couldn't believe my ears, "No matter what happens you need to leave that firm. There are plenty of vacancies for talented people like you. If they won't give you a reference, let the new companies know why. I'm sure he's known in your industry."

Once in bed I went through the talk. There was a bit about her explanation which struck me as off but I couldn't place it.

On the Sunday I did some more minor work on the house. Sam was more about the house. She seemed happy in a peculiar way. After lunch I went to my office. Sam shouted she was going out to meet Nancy. I looked at the video of our conversation. The more I focussed on it I saw how rehearsed it had been. That restraining order! I looked at the video of her throwing it at me. She was so happy.

I looked at it more closely. Fuck! I'm a stupid cunt! At the bottom of the second page and onto page three, it stated I had forty-eight hours from service to leave the property. In addition, I was not permitted to have any contact with Sam or the kids. Failure would mean a court appearance with the possibility of being jailed. It was 2.45pm. It had been served by her at 6.05pm.

It dawned on me, she was out so she could find me breaching it. Have me arrested!