Can they Come Back from the Abyss?

Ray spoke softly, "You blame me for not being able to give you children."

I spoke sharply, "No Ray. You were upfront so I can't blame you. What it was, my misgivings about the in vitro procedure, I transposed onto you. It was my fault for never broaching the subject with you. My fault only."

He didn't believe me. "Does Sarah think if she speaks with me, she can get us back together?"

I shook my head, "I left her in no doubt, while I would love that to happen, it never will. You've always been adamant that adultery ends a marriage. She hasn't spoken about what she wants to say to you apart from the fact you've hidden your true feelings for a long time and she feels for you to move forward, you need to explore those. Some would be on a one to one and some would be potentially with me where we needed to know the others thought processes due to our actions.

"I'll warn you, bring lots of tissues. I've never cried as much not even when our marriage ended."

Ray was thoughtful. There was an aura of displeasure about him. I knew he was only here under duress. Not really what I wanted but at least he was here.

Ray asked, "Why does Sarah think I need help?"

I answered quietly, "We avoided speaking deeply about our problems. I've seen how I steered the conversations away when I really needed to speak with you. Sarah pinpointed why I did that. The recognition of what I had done was like being hit by a bus. Once I understood, she moved to have me confront those parts I had avoided. It hurt, not only the consequences of what I had omitted but how it impacted on you. We've been building rules for me to follow to make sure that won't happen again. It's helped in my work life so far. I've no personal life so haven't needed that yet.

"I had to give her my full description of you. How you compartmentalise a lot. How you react to certain things. One thing we'd discovered early on was she felt you had allowed yourself to be overtaken by your own doubts, especially the fertility issue. As a result, you became less open. If she could speak with you, you could open yourself up again and be that devil I fell in love with.

"Please consider it. Not for me but for you. You'll find someone to love. With Sarah's help, you'll have a far better relationship."

He finally spoke, "You said Dan was coming to terms with what had happened. How has he managed that? I still haven't."

I spoke quietly, "You'd be better asking him. I know even after seeing the evidence which showed Ellie hadn't done this willingly, he was fixated on divorcing her. I think it was seeing how their relationship problems were impacting the girls he decided to give counselling a go. Ellie says it hasn't been easy. She said hearing him describing his pain, his anguish really hurt her as she was responsible. He hadn't recognised how much pain she was in, how guilty and dirty she felt. She was a whore after all. It's taken time. Ellie and he at least have a chance.

"It was depressing visiting their home, no laughter, no love so unlike what they had before. It's better but still nowhere near."

Ray smiled, "Have you started on building a better sex life?"

I laughed, "In theory only. In our discussions I learned our pitiful sex was because we had both withdrawn in reaction to what the other was doing. I'm learning techniques to improve my performance which will vastly improve your experience. If only! The main one, as the brain is the biggest sex organ, is to be open on fantasies, roleplay. We did at the beginning but soon stopped.

"Remember when we came across that couple fucking in the park. It turned us both on. We almost ran home. We never spoke about what we thought at the time as we discovered them. Sarah managed to get me to admit, I wanted to suck you off so they could see your cock. I never told you. Maybe if I had you have been all for it or you wanted to eat me, maybe we'd have done a sixty-nine and then fucked. We've never discussed anything like that.

"I know I often wanted to tell you my fantasies but I couldn't face being potentially ridiculed. You may have felt the same. We did share some safe common fantasies and roleplays. I did enjoy those so why not expand it. I don't know. Maybe if we can speak with Sarah we could understand.

"I've said to Sarah a lot, I wish I'd known about her years ago. Our sex life would have been great."

Ray laughed but there was no mirth, "Seems like Sarah has you primed for a new lover."

I shook my head, "No, tonight, for you, it seems like it's only about sex because sex broke us up. It's about all the parts which made up our relationship. Communication, how to improve it and as such sex comes into it. It's not me looking for a new partner and wanting to be better. It's about one hundred percent me being there for you. I want to be able to discuss with you, what I really wanted in our marriage and what I would do if you gave me a chance to prove I love you. I know it won't happen."

Ray teased, "So if I said I wanted to see Aileen eat you out you'd do it?"

I saw the laughter in his eyes, "Only if you let her show me how to peg you!"

Ray laughed, a small one. He spoke, "I'd better get going."

I signalled him to wait for a moment. I collected the letter I had written him. As I handed it to him, "This is the letter I had drafted for you. It has more detail about what I've found about me. It includes contact details for Sarah. Please use her to help you. I see the anger is eating you up. If you don't want joint sessions, that's fine but get help Ray. I've included what I discovered amongst your materials on Melissa. You can confirm it is the truth.

"If you wish to speak at any time, just contact me. If I don't answer it's because I'm at Sarah's or the gym. I'll return the call, email as soon as I can. I won't hound you."

As Ray took the letter, he asked, "I do have one question. About your two share accounts, Why keep them secret?"

I had expected that one, "I knew you had your patent account. When I reached a stage where I earned bonuses, we didn't need the money. Had we needed it, I would have used it for us. In the same way, you'd have used your patent account. Claire, our financial guru said the best way was to invest it in shares. One account is medium risk and the other is higher risk but with a longer timescale. The idea was to build a nest egg which we could use later to tour the world, do the things we wished. By depositing it like that it was deemed pensionable so the firm paid more and the government took far less. I would have explained when we were ready to retire or if you brought up your patent account."

Ray nodded. As we walked to the door, I remembered the divorce forms. "One moment Ray." I went to his office and took them out. I signed the forms. I would buy his share of the house, plan B.

I handed them to him. "I've signed the forms as I said I would when I had spoken with you. I will always love you. It's all my fault. Find happiness as you deserve it. Thank you for coming tonight."

I hugged him as he left. I went back to the kitchen and sat down. I cried and cried until there were no more tears.

I had more sessions with Sarah. On one hand, the fact I knew my divorce was moving ahead meant I focused on what we were doing more. I was really seeing how bad a wife I was. Ray had deserved much better. There was a melancholy which I couldn't throw off. I existed, I didn't have a life.

It was almost three weeks after Ray had appeared at my door, I had another shock. When I entered Sarah's waiting room, he was there. He looked worried. He spoke softly, "Sarah and I have been meeting for a few weeks. You were right about her. I should buy shares in Kleenex. She thinks both of us would be in a better place if we spoke. I'm not looking forward to this."

I stammered, "I'd no idea she was speaking with you. She's never mentioned this. I know this will hurt but I'll be honest. As she says, lies won't help. Despite the tears, do you think she has helped you in any way?"

Ray sighed, "Probably, sometimes it's so hard to see where she's headed but when I think back, I see what she's made me face. It's small steps."

Sarah smiled as she called us in, "I'm glad you were able to speak to each other. It's hopeful for the rest of this session.

"Donna, Ray and I have spoken five times now. I think you both need to speak to the other. Much of the conversations you've had have been in anger, especially those involving recent events. Your underlying emotions have not been exposed. You're both hurting badly. Today will hurt but I'm hopeful, it will open you to recover yourselves. By that, accept what is deep within you.

"Ray, try and tell Donna how you felt over what has happened, without the anger please."

Ray looked at Sarah and then at Donna. Sarah had been clear when they had spoken, he needed to express his feelings, not button them up. He'd cried a lot with her and later on his own.

He spoke softly, measured. "Donna I wasn't happy with our marriage, the way it was going but I never understood why I did nothing to change it. I used my work, your work to avoid it. With Sarah, I have begun to find out why. It's a work in progress, as you said you were.

"When we first got together, I explained to you my problem and my red lines. As I look back, we never discussed them. You never challenged them. Either then or later. I was so delighted you wanted me despite this, I never thought beyond the moment. After we married, everything was great for a time. We had an active, imaginative sex life, a good social life.

"You never raised your feelings about children but I saw you many times, especially after we had been with friends with kids, look wistfully at them. Your lip curled as you suppressed your desires. Slowly our sex life diminished. It was as if you didn't want me as I couldn't give you children. In retaliation, I stopped trying to make you enjoy sex so we drew apart. I felt your revulsion for me."

Donna was shocked when he said, "revulsion." Sarah stopped her jumping in.

Ray continued, "I spent more time at work as you did. Slowly we stopped doing couples' stuff. I never realised just how we had cut off from each other. You started going out more often with friends and even when home, I became an intrusion so I spent my time in my office. I blamed you.

"Sarah asked why I hadn't confronted you. I was so unhappy yet I hadn't. She finally broke down my barriers to force me to admit, I hadn't wanted to challenge you as I loved you so deeply, I feared you would leave, find someone to give you children. All the time, this was festering within me, I was less sympathetic to your needs leading me to ignore them if I could. It was slow but I never realised this was what I was doing. I felt you distancing yourself even further from me. I fed on your disrespect which added to this festering anguish. I'm sure how I treated you fed how you felt about me.

"I hadn't realised until I spoke with Sarah how over time I felt I had become worthless in your eyes. When I did my spreadsheet, I saw just how worthless I was to you."

Donna was crying. She was shaking her head as though to say he wasn't worthless.

"The evening which started the explosion, you probably don't remember why it turned the knife so deeply into me. The dress you were wearing was one we bought together. You were going to wear it for our fourth anniversary, to tease me. Even then we were drifting apart. You may have agreed to buy it, to try and restore us but it backfired. Something came up at your work and we never celebrated our anniversary. You never wore that dress for me until that night.

"When you came down the stairs and I saw it, I was shocked. My heart was already beating faster. It exposed far more of your breasts than you have ever done for me. I saw the suspender bumps and thought when was the last time you wore stockings for me. As I looked at your face, I saw in your eyes that you had been unfaithful. You saw I knew. I spoke without thinking, "did you have the divorce papers in your bag." You tried to deflect but neither the words nor the tone convinced you or me you hadn't fucked anyone else.

"I was angry at you but mostly at me for never confronting you. I debated not going to the restaurant but I needed to know. As we walked in I saw Melissa smile as she saw how unhappy we both were. She was happy, she had orchestrated this. You chose to sit with her, a further signal as if one was needed, I was worthless. The whole charade came crashing down when she exposed my secret. Not only that her words confirmed you had been fucking others behind my back.

"I have never been so angry. I wanted to wring her neck and yours. My biggest secret, one I'd asked you never to reveal, you had done so, to someone you knew I thought of as a witch. The looks of derision your colleagues gave me wounded me even more. I was less than a man. I had to leave. I was totally humiliated by you, my so-called soulmate!"

Donna was crying so hard, Ray had to stop speaking. He was in tears also. Sarah had said it would be difficult but this was far worse than he had thought. When Donna had recovered her composure, he continued.

"When I returned home, you went on the offensive trying to hide what you had done. Melissa was more important than me. Not one word of apology. We slept alone for the first time since we were married unless we were away through work. Slept isn't the right word for me. I tossed and turned the whole night. My thoughts went how often were you fucking behind my back? Why had I not seen or done anything?

"When I sat at my desk and did my "for and against" spreadsheet for our marriage, I was shocked. There was nothing in the "for" column. I couldn't even answer one question, "Did I still love you?" I was so angry I couldn't answer that simple question. Sarah has helped me reduce my anger but I still don't have an answer. I saw how you only considered yourself and had done so for a few years. Why had I allowed that to go on? I felt even more worthless. I had no backbone!

"We spent our time, between the tears, screaming at each other. You blurted out you didn't mean to fuck others. It was plain as you said it, you knew your game was up. I had to walk away, I'd answered but I so wanted to say more, to really hurt you but I chose the coward's way again. As I sat alone, I saw every dream I'd had about us dissolve. There was no us. You had moved on. I wasn't man enough for you."

Donna was trying to keep her eyes on him, show him he was wrong but she couldn't see because of her tears. He had trouble seeing himself.

Ray continued thoughtfully, "The final straw which forced me to act, not wallow in self-pity, was finding out you only did your own washing. I blamed Melissa so went after her. What I found, disembowelled me. I found the photographs of you fucking your three colleagues. The video showed you much more involved with them than you had been with me for quite some time. I looked at it and I felt nothing. No anger, no disgust, absolutely nothing. Had I died I wouldn't have noticed.

"I automatically collected everything I needed and arranged to time the reveals to all the partners at the time I had you served. I spoke with Dan as I headed to the airport and had him agree not to speak to Ellie until 11am. He was devastated. For the first time, I had cause to wonder if I had done the right thing. I felt so bad for causing his pain.

"Since then, I have tried to work my way through everything without any success. I resisted meeting you as I had succeeded in having no pain, no feelings at all. I just needed the makeup to be a zombie. I found I was lying to myself.

"After we spoke, it was my parents who persuaded me to speak with Sarah. They saw how angry I was. They said I'd never lost it, I needed help to get rid of it, move on. Sarah showed me how my anger prevented me from dealing with my emotions. As she tore down the walls I built to protect me, I was a seething cauldron of anger, self-loathing and-doubt. I felt each humiliating barb, each thoughtless comment, each piece of rejection as though they were new. I no longer knew who I was. The man I thought of as me, didn't exist.

"If anything, that feeling of being worthless was worse than seeing you fuck those men. They were the exclamation mark telling me how you felt about me."

Ray stopped and looked at Sarah. She was handing him tissues.

Sarah spoke softly, "Donna, tell Ray how you feel. Don't answer his points."

Donna looked at Ray, "Ray, this will sound awful but I'm glad you feel the sex wasn't the main problem. To me the sex was worthless, meaningless and bloody awful. It's left me feeling disgusted, ashamed and dirty. I have days when I'm not fixated on it and others when I have to wash and wash, douche and douche. I don't feel clean.

"What is far worse is what I did to you. I have no excuse. I'm not seeking any. The pain I heard in your voice, your words show me how contemptable I was.

"When you told me your secret, I was shocked. You showed a lot of trust in me to tell me and exposed a very vulnerable side of you. I'd seen your strength never this vulnerability. It added positively to what I felt about you. I felt how caring a person you were. The tone and words showed you knew I wanted children and you were giving me an out. Like everything you have done throughout our time together, you thought about me.

"I spent a few days trying to get my feelings in any order. Ellie had brought her two monsters to mum's and they were running around. I was watching them wistfully. Ellie laughed at me, "You planning already. Does Ray know?" I burst into tears. Mum came out. I tried not to tell them as you asked me but they got it out. They promised never to say a word and they haven't.

"We talked about it. I was so looking forward to having your children. I was already deeply in love with you. That's the only thing which hasn't changed. I explained how the thought of in vitro was agonising for you. I didn't see why but Ellie explained it in a different way.

"She said, you don't produce eggs. You can't have a baby. You love Ray and he says he will stay with you. There are other ways. Perhaps I suggest giving you eggs. We're so alike, no one would know. Ray fills the dish and they implant you.

"I told her that still didn't work for me. I had already envisioned how we would conceive. We would fuck hard, once, twice and then slowly lightly caress each other until we joined. We'd hold each other smile, kiss, caress before losing ourselves as we came together. A child conceived in love.

"Ellie said so you want Ray to fuck me and then make love to me but she'd have to carry the child. I didn't want that. You to fuck her or her carry my child.

"Mum said, we were both young, we needed time to work out what we wished. We needed to discuss it in full at a time when we were surer about our future. She said, how it's done isn't the important part, it's the why. I agreed that made sense.

"Ray, I was so happy with you. I couldn't have designed a better husband, a thoughtful lover, a partner in everything. Our fourth anniversary was the catalyst. The dress did express my love for you and desire to tease you to say thank you for our time together. I discovered with Sarah, I could have made our anniversary, I chose not to.

"I had been broody quite a few times and I think you noticed it. The way you looked at me, how you spoke softly. While there was an element of speak to me, I felt the reluctance to open the can of worms. I couldn't bring myself to tell you. I heard your words, "I think, just maybe in vitro." I couldn't face you rejecting speaking to me about it. I turned inwards on myself. I worked longer hours. As my anguish built, I stopped telling myself I need to broach my fears about the treatment to speak with you. Instead, I blamed you for not being open to talking about it, my feelings, my need to have children with you.