Can they Come Back from the Abyss?

"I started to pull back from you. We did less and less together as your spreadsheet showed far to dramatically.

"Sarah has shown me I never let go of my dream conception. I never gave you the chance to speak about in vitro as I had built this up so much. The procedure to have our child became a monumental problem for me and I blamed you. I never consciously said it was your fault but everything I did, shouted it to you. When I was broody, I saw you recognise what I was going through and I saw the hurt in your eyes knowing why. I should have spoken. I internalised my anger and directed it at you. You weren't to blame. I was because I saw my dream conception shattered.

"The depth of my anger meant I became a shrew to you. I criticised you relentlessly. I did challenge your worth. I often took myself to task afterwards trying to find the reason why. I couldn't. I'd hidden the true reason from myself. It was only through hypnotherapy it came out.

"I learned I was so disgusted at me I made sure you started to refuse me what I wanted. It built a cycle we never broke free from. All because I never spoke to you about children.

"My anger at you was played on by Melissa. I allowed myself to be diverted from what she planned by her slick sleight of hand. I foolishly believed she was a friend. You were right.

"The infamous night of the party, neither Ellie nor I, indeed anyone from the office knew her plans. I've seen the video of me fucking the others. I have little recollection but Sarah tells me that's common with the drugs they used. Those drugs allowed my discontent with our marriage, my view of you to be manipulated. It made me more susceptible to the words they used. I should have known what I was doing and refused to become involved. I'm ashamed I gave in so easily. Maybe I was just horny and needed a good fuck. If I was it certainly wasn't them. What hurts me most about this is the fact I was so much more involved with them than I had been sexually with you for some time.

"My anger at myself meant I blamed you. I was so nasty to you. I did cry when I was alone berating myself. I told myself repeatedly you didn't deserve this but I couldn't stop.

"The blow up at the restaurant and the day after at our home, opened a link between my conscious mind and subconscious mind to what I had been doing, not just the sex party, though that was bad enough. I spent days crying, knowing I had killed your love for me. How I deserved you kicking me to touch. I have never felt so low.

"When you left me, I contemplated suicide. I didn't deserve to live. It was Ellie's need for support which stopped me. If I hadn't asked her to come with me, she and Dan wouldn't be going through their hell.

"When I discovered I was pregnant, I had so many emotions. I had no one to speak to, to help me. You were the one, no matter what I had done, if I asked, you gave sound advice. I couldn't ask you. I was truly alone. It's a frightening experience. Only your thoughts in your head. So many wild emotions and no one to help you order them. I did what I had to do. When I passed the cells, I cried for hours. My child! I didn't deserve children.

"With Sarah's help, I've put me back together a little. I have three deep emotions. One, guilt. I deeply regret the way I treated you. You are not worthless. You are a man any woman would love to call husband. You have so many qualities you don't realise. Secondly, I see and hear your pain every time we speak. The anger, the denial that you weren't to blame. I'm the only one who caused you this pain. I'm at fault, only me. Thirdly, I've never stopped loving you. I doubt I ever will. I will regret how I treated you every day until I die. You are a good, decent man. I'm a bitch."

Sarah smiled, "Ray, I know what Donna said hasn't come totally as a shock as she's told you in less detail previously. Are there any word or words which you would use to describe her feelings?"

Ray looked at Donna, "I suppose I heard guilt, remorse, regret."

Sarah smiled again, "Donna, how would you describe what Ray described?"

Donna thought before speaking sadly, "I'm struggling. There is the justified anger but the way he describes himself as worthless sounds so emotionless, so despairing, I've cut him so deep, he feels he is no longer the man I love. He is still that man. He needs to let go the anger and see his true value. He'll find he is a far better man that he thought he was. He's always thought less highly of himself than others have thought of him."

Sarah noted that. We spoke more about our feelings than we had done in years by the time we had finished. It was illuminating to actually hear how he felt as opposed to how I had perceived them. We had both been so wrong about the other. We went through boxes of tissues.

I didn't see Ray for a month. Again, we met at Sarah's. We were able to enquire how the other was for a few minutes before she asked us in.

Sarah started by outlining the progress she thought both of us had made. I saw Ray wasn't as angry, in many ways he seemed almost himself but some words did cause an immediate negative reaction. I understood what Sarah was saying. I knew so much more about myself but I was still sad.

Sarah started the session after that by asking, "What is it you wished you had done when you were together?"

I looked at Ray as he looked at me. Sarah smiled, "You both know but you don't want to speak. Donna, tell Ray."

I looked down but Sarah had said I couldn't evade scrutiny so it was better to face it. I looked into his eyes. I spoke sadly, "Ray, I apologise that I failed to tell you how I was feeling about children. I should not have backed away. I had the words you had said but we both had matured, we both knew each other far better, or so I thought. I focused on those words, "think, accept in vitro." I made them your unbreakable thought. I used them to avoid facing my fears about the procedure. Yet, when I saw you play with children, I was so overwhelmed at how good a dad you'd be, I wanted our children.

"I should have spoken with you. Allowed you to know my feelings and listen to yours. If I had, no matter our decision, I wouldn't have built this fantasy that you were to blame to absolve me of any responsibility. I wouldn't have been the stupid bitch who abused your love. I'm so sorry."

Sarah spoke softly to Ray, "Tell Donna what you wished you had done."

Ray fidgeted, he was uneasy, "Donna, I'm equally to blame. I think Sarah has found we both feel the same way about the elephant in the room which is why she's brought us together.

"I saw how you played with children and knew what a wonderful mother you'd be. I felt so low, knowing I couldn't give you children. As I've discovered with Sarah, while I said all the right things, inside, my ego was taking a battering. I wanted to give you children but I couldn't. Every time I thought of speaking to you about it, I found an excuse. I didn't want to hear you shout at me, decrying my inability to be a man. I felt, I'd just drive you in to someone else's arms. I saw us drifting apart and knew the cause. I threw myself into my work so I didn't have to face it.

"I realise, I never looked to see if I had changed my view on in vitro nor had I ever invited how you saw it. It seems we both had the same festering anguish and as we did nothing we drifted so far apart. I'm sorry I never gave you the opportunity to explain your feelings."

Sarah nodded, "While there were other causes, these were minor in comparison. This was the big issue between you. Ray's inability gave rise to his feeling of worthlessness which subsequent events consolidated. Ray had never until very recently spoken about how much he felt he had lost as a man due to his infertility. It's a common problem among many survivors of cancer treatment. Others can only see, your alive, be grateful. He's still a work in progress but is more accepting than he was."

Donna was in tears, "I never asked Ray his feelings. When he told me, I heard his sadness and I didn't want to hurt him if I asked him to explain further. Maybe if I had, he would be in a better place.

"Ray, I've never seen your infertility as reducing your value as a man. In many ways, you went through such a traumatic experience and the fact you were such a caring, empathetic, tolerant, compassionate man, made me look at you far more positively. I've never told you that. I'm so sorry. I should have especially when I saw your sadness when you let go of a child. I should have spoken with you about this."

Ray was crying. Donna put her arms around him and held him until he stopped. It was their first physical contact since the night of their talk.

Once Ray had settled, Sarah said, "This is the elephant in the room so let's discuss your views on it. Donna?"

Donna looked at Ray, still surprised he hadn't pushed her away. She started nervously, "Ray, I told you about my magical conception I had for our child. Once you told me, I knew that would never happen yet I held onto it. When I was broody, I did research what the techniques they used. It was clinical. I ignored my mum's words, "it's not the way, it's the why that's important." It was this clinical way I shied away from.

"As I look at it now, I know we can have more input to it than I expected. We can pick the donor so they would be similar to you. If I could, I'd ask you to be with me as they harvest my eggs and place the embryo in me. It would be as close as I can get to my dream.

"There is a big but. If we had discussed this and you said you were uncomfortable with it, I would have stopped. It was a decision which required both of us to be comfortable with. I never had the courage to speak with you."

Sarah looked at Ray. He took a moment, "Donna, when I played with children, saw you playing with children, I felt the need to have our children. I struggled with the concept of another man impregnating you. I know a donor wouldn't make love with you but the concept rattled at my sense of worth.

"As I matured, I saw it slightly differently. Probably more along the lines of your mum but I didn't know how to express myself clearly. On one side, I could make a case for it and the other I was so against. I avoided speaking as I never knew what I might say. The wrong thing and I'd drive you away.

"What you've described, both of us being involved wasn't something I expected. I wish we had spoken. I feel more comfortable now with the thought than I did even a month ago. Sarah has shown me how my feelings of being less than a man coloured my view on it. You are right, such a decision had to be one made by both of us."

Sarah spoke softly, "If you were a couple today, how do you think you would resolve this?"

Donna looked shocked. She spoke guardedly, "It would be my dream, if what Ray has just said means he sees it as a possibility we could have children. I would suggest we speak about our fears. My fear is in two halves. Not just about the procedure. I have fears about the harvesting of my eggs and the insemination, hopefully that will be positive if I become pregnant. My biggest concern is Ray's feelings about the donor. I know he said the child would be 50% me but how does he feel about the donor? My worry is that if he harbours doubts it's about that any child may not be loved. Rationally, I know Ray will love the child, no matter what but that is my fear."

Ray took a few moments to gather his thoughts, "I have concerns about the procedure and how it will affect Donna. Being able to be with her would help those. We would also have to be aware the success rate is just over 30% with woman her age, so be prepared to be disappointed. I don't know how you can do that. You do this to be positive.

"As far as the donor, I have ebbed and flowed with my feelings. I know they are screened and we'd pick someone close in looks, stature to me. If I look positively, I see the donor as an altruistic gift. When I'm down, I see it badly, pointing to my inadequacies. As Sarah and I have been working on my view of my worth, I'm more positive. It's a work in progress."

Donna asked, "Does that mean, when you are comfortable with being a man, who you are, you would be happy to hold my hand, be with me and when our child is born, love it for it would be created with our love."

Ray spoke, softly, "Yes."

Donna rushed to him and hugged him. She was in tears. When she broke away she looked so sad.

Sarah asked, "How do you feel?"

Donna replied, sadly, "Ray's answer was all I ever desired. Had I asked, had we sought counselling over it if necessary, we could have had our child. As it is I broke us apart. I hope Ray finds someone he loves and has his children."

Ray answered, "I have."

Donna looked like she wanted to run but she faced him. She tried to look happy for him but the tears were flowing, "You deserve someone. I hope you will both be very happy."

Ray took her hand, "Donna, the person is you. I have never stopped loving you but my anger drowned that out. Sarah has helped me see who I am and how I can be what I want to be. I'm a work in progress. She'll help us communicate better so we never have this happen again."

Donna was shocked, "Ray, I love you. Are you saying you wish to come home? Do you want to court? I'm so confused. I've been waiting for the divorce papers to come through the letterbox."

Ray spoke softly, holding her face in his hand, "I never put them in. When we talked I saw the real you, the remorse, the shame. I did review all the stuff on Melissa and what you had said was correct. I knew you didn't willingly have an affair. I couldn't tell you because of my anger. As Sarah has peeled away the walls I built so I didn't feel the pain, I realised I've never stopped loving you. I'll do what you want me to do if you want me at all."

Donna just launched herself at him and kissed him so hard he thought his neck would break.

Sarah was smiling.

When Donna had recovered, she turned to Sarah, "Thank you. You've helped me see why I did what I did and how not to repeat those mistakes. Now, you may have a bigger task. Help me be the woman of his dreams. Ellie loves her new sex life. I want to give Ray a far better sex life."

Sarah smiled, "When you're ready. You both need to work at being a couple first before we start on your sex life. It will be soon but take it slowly just now."

Epilogue

Ellie and Dan are still together and both have highly satisfied faces. Their house is once again loving and full of laughter.

Melissa lost her appeal to throw out the materials Ray discovered. She and the men were left with no alternative but to plead guilty to sexual assault (not rape) and blackmail. They were sentenced to seven years in prison. The Law Society has the petition to disbar her coming up. With the prison sentence, it will be passed.

Sarah's sex exercises have been very interesting. For the last ten days, I've not been allowed penetrative sex but Ray has found my blowjob skills have come on leaps and bounds. When he was flagging, I asked him to think about Aileen eating me out. I've been fingering his bum and told him, I'll let her if he lets her peg him.

Neither of us want anyone else but the fantasy works. He cums so quickly. When he eats me, I've told him, I'll get him a wig in her hairstyle. He really goes for me then. I can have four or five orgasms, each one builds on the one before. I'm like a rag doll at the end.

We discussed children quite a number of times and made a decision. Today, I'm holding Ray's hand as they put an embryo into me. We hope it takes. I thought I'd be nervous but I'm relaxed. After all we've been through this is all I could ever dream off.