Carmen's Roommate Issues 02

It's been just over one week since my temporary roommate, Jack, moved in and so far, well, it's not too bad. He's happy that he has a roof over his head and he's happy that I own a flat screen.

And I have only had to give up one Saturday night of my traditional fishnets and who cares what just as long as I walk around the house in fishnets. I have also given up the arm chair, I guess. He seems to like it better than the couch. I have no problem with that except I'm behind on my lap dance rehearsals because I use the arm chair, a pillow and a dildo during practice.

In other words, 3 weeks to go.

Another tradition I have is that I bake chocolate cookies and watch a cooking contest show on Monday evenings, which is tonight. I know Jack will give me my hour of TV before he wants to switch over to Monday Night Sports All Year, but I will have to give up baking cookies in my pink and yellow striped PJ's. OMG, roommate issues are real.

However, I will compromise and maybe just slip some lingerie under my boy sweat pants. And because that sentence makes me sound like a closet crossdresser again, I may have to raise the rent. Or maybe I'll get over it because my disgusting boy sweat pants will hide a garter belt. I won't be able to wear stockings because sweat pants expose feet, but I really like "me" when I put a garter belt on.

And to show my good faith as a Land Lord and not a Slum Lord, I ordered a Pizza as well. LOL, it will go with the beer he contributed to the household.

I did my part and had everything ready to go. Tube of cookie dough, check. Cookie sheet, check. Pizza on the way, check. Chef G on the TV, 30 minutes to go, but check. Black garter belt on and hanging freely, check. Black thong on because it goes with garter belt, check. Eye brows darkened and eye liner on, just ever so slightly, just enough to notice if you're right on top of me, check. Remove the pillow from the arm chair because I snuck in a little practice, check. Roomie Jack on his way home, it's about that time of the evening so check.

"Hi. One large Pizza. $17 please."

"Thanks. Keep the change. Hey, are you Timmy? Brie's little boy toy?"

"Thanks for the tip, but why would you say something like that?"

"You're welcome. I said that to piss you off so you remember me. You're not catching me at my best right now, but you might in a few weeks when my roommate moves out."

"Ah, OK, so I won't forget you. Should I pass on your regards to Brie? I won't see her until Friday. She only works the weekends."

"You don't need to pass on my regards, but it would be great if you screamed "Carmen" when she jacks your next nut out. Can you do that?"

"Ah, no, that would go well for me. Besides, it's none of your business if Brie and I have had a moment or two. However, I'm running late. Can we put a pin in this until next time, Carmen?"

"Fine Timmy. Can you at least text her to let her know you have a boner and she should stop into the Pizza shop and help you out?"

"And tell her that Carmen has struck again?"

"Exactly. And say my name."

Sorry, but I haven't fought with Brie for a while, so I needed to shake things up.

I was busy in the kitchen when Jack walked in. One thing about roomies is that there doesn't need to big announcements when one of them arrives home. A married couple would either peck each other on the lips and take jabs, but roomies just grunt or breath loud out.

"The Pizza is hot and the cookies are in the oven. Help yourself. My show is on."

I set the timer on the oven, put two slices of Pizza on a plate and grabbed a beer. No, the beer was for Jack, not me. I set the beer down on the end table and settled down on the couch. I didn't realize it, but I wrapped my legs up and under me like a girl would do because I have been practicing that as well.

"You actually watch this stuff? Holy shit, did that guy just throw a chicken across the kitchen?"

"It was a duck, a under cooked duck. Chef G doesn't mince words when one of the contestants messes up. Just wait until he calls the green team into the cooler. There will be more "beeps" than words. Sit and eat, Jack."

"SOB, is that girl about to cry?"

"Oh, she cries every week. She'll get eliminated soon, if not tonight. And this guy thinks he's the greatest thing since sliced bread."

"And you make chocolate chip cookies every Monday night?"

"It's just a tradition I have. But, hey, I can spoon the mix out of the tube of dough with the best of them. Wow, did you see that lamp chop fly?"

"OMG, are those two contestants cooking or eyeing each other up?"

"You know how TV is, there has to be a love triangle involved in nonreality reality TV. She is the cute one for this season though."

"Speaking of the cute one, Joey asked me if he could stop by and watch a little of the game tonight. I told him no."

"Oh, so you told him no which means he'll be here in an hour? Whatever, just him occupied please. I don't need his drunk ass messing with me tonight. He knows that Cassandra is his girlfriend, right?"

"Hey, you seem a little more upset about this than I expected. Is there something else going on that I should know about?"

"Oh, don't play coy with me. I think the whole crew knows he fags on me every chance he gets and if he pulls my sweat pants down tonight, I might be in trouble."

Why I turned around and pushed the top of my sweat pants down to expose my bare buns, my thong dental floss and my garter belt to Jack, I'll never know. But I had answer. Not a good one, but I had an answer.

"Shut it, it's just another one of my Monday night traditions. You watch teams score on Monday's and I wear lingerie on Monday's. I just couldn't wear my stockings tonight because you would see them on my feet. Go ahead, laugh or call me out."

"Well, can't you go put your nylons on and then a pair of socks to cover your feet? And then tie your drawstring real tight."

"Great. A man with all the answers. Besides, nylon stockings take a few minutes to put on properly and the cookies will be done in 5 minutes. And OMG Jack, stop getting a boner. Eat your Pizza and finish your beer."

"Well, stop pushing your sweat pants down. I can clearly see what you're wearing. Wow, would Joey have a field day with this or what? All fun aside, what would you traditionally wear on top on your special Monday's?"

"I have a bustier that I wear twice a month. It's like a corset, but it can be worn as a top. I have a thing for crop tops if I don't wear the bustier. Are you finished now? Can I have my sweat pants back? Kick them back to me, please."

"Or you can pick them up and maybe explain why you took them off and folded them before you placed them on my lap? And by the way, I watched you last night. Just what do you do on this arm chair?"

"Ah, I straighten the pillows out while I'm sleep walking. Oops, the cookies are ready. I'll bring you another beer before I change my clothes."

Huh, this might be why guys like it so much when their better halves cook. But the joke is on him. I know for a fact that my butt is much more appealing when I'm standing up than when I'm bending over pulling a cookie sheet out of the oven. I don't quite understand the science, but I have a bit of a bubble when I'm standing up and I have a middled-aged spread when I bend over. I have performed and conducted that experiment in front of the mirror many times.

"The cookies need to cool off. Yell at me when the commercial is over. This is usually the time when the contestants have to cook a challenge to see what team wins and has a great afternoon adventure and which team loses and has to sort out the garbage. And there is always cat fight too."

I didn't want to miss the busty green team girl going at it with the curvy yellow team girl, so I had to make a quick wardrobe decision. I've been dressing for a little while now, but I'm not quick about it just yet. I only had enough time to put black stockings on, put my sweats back on and wear a pair of socks, just like Jack suggested.

"Hurry, the girl in yellow trimmed apron just lost her wig and I'm pretty sure there was a thong peek when the girl green trimmed apron hit the floor."

I hate to admit this because I hate reality TV other than this cooking show, but I ran out of my bedroom.

"Hit rewind. Was it Brynn's hair that went flying?"

"And what about the panties peek?"

"Oh, that's normal for Katrina. She "accidently" lost her bikini top at the pool last week and the camera "accidently" caught her changing in the dorm room two weeks ago. She does have an amazing body and she would make a good stripper if she loses this competition."

I took Jack's phone and added him as a follower to "Accidental Katrina". She is hot and she does like to post a lot of photos, so Jack will enjoy her Chang page.

"Damn it, is that Joey's car I hear?"

"LOL, that's Joey's car that everyone on the street hears. Don't worry, I won't tell him why you're wearing socks tonight."

I frowned and went to answer the door. You know, most people smile at you when you greet them at the door. But, no, not Joey. I can guarantee you that he doesn't hug Sammy, Frank or Jack like he hugs me. As a matter of fact, I'd be willing to bet that his girlfriend Cassandra, doesn't get this much action or attention.

"Hands to yourself, Joey. Go sit down and I'll get you a slice of Pizza and a beer."

"Alright. Will you sit on my lap and feed me?"

"Pull your zipper up and take a seat perv."

I was expecting Jack to have a conversation with Joey about his behavior, but all I seen was a lot of fist bumps, high fives and cheering going on. Great, the good old boys club is in the house.

"Here Joey. Jack, turn up the volume. This is where the camera crew films the customers who haven't gotten their food yet. They're just as mean as Chef G."

"WTF? Is that Danny Danger from the WWC?"

"Probably, Chef G always fills his restaurant with popular personalities. It makes for better TV. Two weeks ago, there was a boxer, Whipped Lightning, who wanted to go get in some practice on the green team because he was hungry."

"Holy smokes, did that bitch just throw a flaming pan at the blonde?"

"Like I said, there is always a love triangle. Jack, would you please bring the plates to the kitchen at the next commercial, please?"

With Joey concentrating on the cat fight and knowing that Katrina will catch the flaming pan and throw it back at Brynn, I went into the kitchen where things were a little quieter.

"Jack, why is your dick still hard? Do you need a cold shower?"

"I peeked at you putting your nylons on because you left the door open. It was pretty hot. And by the way, it will never go down if you keep rubbing me like that."

"It's called a boner check, Jack. It's quick and it happens all the time. Go back to living room and keep Joey busy."

"What else did you put on? OMG, I just noticed your eyelids. Is that eyeliner?"

"Never mind all that. It's just a few brush strokes. Just enough that you would have to be this close to me to notice. Step away please."

"I've never stepped away from a hand job. Can I peek inside your sweat pants again?"

"No and I'll help you put it back inside your zipper. Hmmm, it's too bad that you insisted that Joey come over tonight and it's too bad I'll be asleep when your game is over and Joey leaves."

The clock in my head went off and I pushed him away and towards the living room.

"Hey you guys, I think the show is over and the champion is about to be crowned."

"No champion tonight Joey, but someone will get eliminated. I hope it's Aaron. He screws up every dish. Or maybe James because he got caught on camera sniffing Luci's clothes once. You would think that these idiots would realize that reality TV have cameras rolling all the time."

"Really? Which one is Luci and did she freak out?"

"The hot Asian with the deep blue streak in her hair. And if sneaking her sweaty panties under his dorm pillow means she freaked out, then yeah, she freaked out. I'm betting that she is already pregnant and that she will cuckhold James within their first year of marriage. I placed that bet on her website."

"Damn, she is hot. Why aren't all of the apron's form fitted like that?"

"OMG, give me your phone again."

Damn it, Wilma got eliminated. She was always one of the best chef's and the nicest one on the show which tells me a little about what the Producers are interested in.

"Awe, that's too bad, but don't worry about it. I'm pretty sure that all of the contestants get a job offer from the celebrity guest chef judges and their restaurants. But next week, there is suppose to be a double elimination. If it's between the girls, oh boy, watch out."

"Is that an invite for me to come back next Monday?"

Damn it, I fell right into Joey's hands. My best bet was to ignore his question and carry on.

"You guys can turn on your game now. There is more Pizza leftover, but it's getting cold. Let me know if you need me to warm it up. I'll be in my bedroom. Who's playing by the way?"

"The Middleton Mudder's vs the Hillsdale Poachers. It promises to be the worse game ever and it might be the first time in history that a game ends with negative scores."

I didn't need to spend any time watching the worse game ever, so I retreated to my bedroom and plopped down on the bed. I got away with nylons, a garter belt and a thong under my sweats and my socks, so what else could I do?

A T-shirt over the bustier wasn't going to work because it's actually a little stiff in places. Even with a hoodie, it wasn't going to work. And it seemed like a bra, even a no stuffed bra, would be visible as well. So where do I go from here? Call it a night and stay in my room? LOL, I don't think so. Tonight, was the first time I was responsible for a boner and that has me a little worked up also.

The easiest thing for me to do was to slip on my pleated skirt over my stockings and garter belt and toss on a logo crop top. I did just that and quickly realized that without a wig, this wasn't gong to work. LOL, of course I slipped on my dark wig. Did I attach the top of my stockings to the snaps on my garter belt? No, I like the "undone" look and the way the straps swing back and forth. It's my Slut #2 look, right after my fishnets and anything slut look.

I looked myself over in the mirror and came to a decision. The decision I made was that none of you out there would ask me on a second date, but all of you would hope our first date ended well. In your favor, of course.

"Ah, Jack, my closet door is stuck. Could you help me for a moment please?"

I made a mental note that this was the stupidest thing I have ever done and was so glad that this was my house. I mean, he can't get upset and kick me out. He can run out the door, but I get to stay. I stood in the view of the door and waited for him to open it.

"No problem roomie. Where's the closet door? Whoa, that's not what I call a stuck door, that's hot."

"Shut it. You only have one minute to gawk and stop pulling at your zipper."

I lifted the pleated skirt a little so he could see that I did not attach the garter belt snaps to my nylons.

"As you can see, I mean gawk, I haven't attached the snaps. That means I can only take so many steps before the nylons start to slip down my legs. I think I can make it to kitchen for another round and beers and deliver them to the living room. But, mind you, after that I will to retreat but in here. I mean, nylons that slip down are not attractive."

"So, your door isn't stuck?"

"No, I just wanted to give you a heads up. Go watch the game."

I take back what I said before. What I'm about to do next must be the stupidest thing I've ever done. So far Jack has managed to control himself, almost. But Joey may be another story. He has never shown any amount of control a round me as Charlie and if I hand him a beer as Carmen, he may have no choice but to go faggot on me.

Am I asking for him to go faggot on me? Well, I suppose that he technically already has over the last two years in some form or another. I'm just worried that there may be a next level when he sees me in nylons and a wig. I took a deep breath and headed towards the kitchen.

I turned around before I reached the end of the hallway and turned the corner. No, I didn't chicken out, yet, but the nylons started to slip down immediately. I could feel them falling with every step, so I went back into my room and snapped the snaps. I guess my Slut #2 look only works when I lounge on the couch. I took another deep breath and tried it again.

I know this was just a 30 seconds walk, but it felt like an hour.

"Here boys, a couple of beers. Should I warm up a few slices of Pizza for you?"

Hah, this was working. If I was deer hunter, I would have an easy meal tonight. They were in a trance and staring.

"Who's winning or should I ask if Middleton is losing? Or should I ask if the two of you are breathing?"

Hah, if I were a fisherman, well, I don't like fishing so I'd be hungry, but not like the hunger they had in their eyes.

"Alright then, 2 slices and one EMS unit coming up. Joey, is my skirt straight? It feels weird since I had to pull it up like this and snap these little snaps on my nylons. Joey? Did I get the snaps on properly? Joey? Check the back straps Joey."

I left the living room and went into the kitchen to warm up 2 slices of Pizza. Am I going to let Joey touch me? No. Am I going to let that faggot jack off inside of my house? No. Am I going to let him jack off while he gawks at me on the back deck? Well, I've never seen another guy do that to himself, so maybe. Am I going to leave the deck porch light on? No, there is a nice full moon tonight and they will have to make do. Am I taking extra paper towels? LOL, the whole roll.

"Pizza and beer on the back deck guys. Are you coming?"

Seriously? Do you really need to know what happened? All I will say is that I thought I put Joey in his place. I thought he was going to chicken out and high tail it out the door. He didn't and I had to lure him onto the grass before he stained my deck.

Jack vs Joey? Jack wins that. Four to One. He was cool, calm and collected and enjoyed the show. As the gentleman of this kinky activity, he used a paper towel. And his body posture was what I expected. He stood straight and everything was pointed at me.

Joey on the other hand was exciting, but he was totally out of control, his eyes were all weird and he kept stroking himself after he coated my grass with his seed. And when I say he kept stroking, I mean he kept going until he released for a second time. I swear, he never stopped. And Joey's body posture was crazy. I wouldn't have thought that he could get in that position without falling over, but he was pointing it everywhere. I swear, he was in a zombie or monster zone and scared me a little.

After I made it clear to Joey that it was time for him to go, I got them both back inside. I prayed that the neighbors were sleeping and not peeking over the fence as I sprayed down the grass and the deck with the water hose.

End Carmen's Roommate Issues 02