Cast a Long Shadow

I'd explained to those who asked that the bruise was due to my clumsiness, walking into a door, but I wasn't sure if anyone believed me and I sure wasn't showing anyone those on my breasts where he'd pawed me until it hurt or those on my buttocks where he'd sworn he would teach me a lesson. Still, I had to concentrate on my exam prep, so on Wednesday and Thursday nights I agreed readily but then lay there fighting tears as Jeff fucked me unmercifully until he was done instead of us making love as we'd always done until recently.

On Friday night, I was relieved after the exam, feeling I'd done as well as possible under the circumstances and despite my discomfort. This time, unlike past nights, I was even relieved when Jeff stayed out drinking until sometime after midnight instead of coming home where we could fight.

Finally home but quite drunk, he wanted to have his way with me again. This time, I wanted that less than I wanted a migraine, so I told him I had to go to the bathroom first. Taking an inordinate amount of time and hoping it would be enough for Jeff to fall asleep, when I finally walked out, I found it was.

With Jeff out cold, I moved into our little living room and slept on the sofa. I got up early on Saturday morning, grabbed a few things, and left to catch the city bus before he awoke.

Almost two hours later, I was sure it was sometime after 8 so I switched buses to be on the route to my parents' house. I walked the last few blocks and breathed a sigh of relief when I didn't see either Jeff's car or Dad's Packard out front. Feeling as low as I ever had, I needed to talk to Mom in private.

I was walking up the driveway when the car came around from the back of the house pulling the trailer with the boat. Dad's look in the passenger seat was questioning but Christopher, driving, stomped the pedals and drew to a sudden stop as his face turned into a mask of anger. He was out of the car in an instant, with my little brothers and Dad climbing out afterward.

"Did he do this to you?" demanded Christopher as he pulled me into his comforting arms. He'd always been my protector when we were young, much as Mom said my mother had been with her, so he'd been a little reserved about Jeff when we started seeing each other. However, he'd done his best to welcome Jeff into our family when things got serious between us. Now I could see open hostility toward my husband as Christopher reasserted his former protectiveness. Tears streamed down my cheeks, my resolve that had kept me going for the past few days suddenly gone now that I was with those who really loved me.

"What's going on?" asked Matt and Luke, my little brothers. They were actually my half brothers but they'd always been my brothers still since birth. Now, they drew up in surprise as they saw the bruise on my face.

Dad, having taken a few moments to get out of the car and get to his feet, came up behind them and handed his cane to Luke. His arms circled Chris and me, giving us both a hug. "Let's go in the house, kids. We'll go fishing some other time."

"No, Dad! I didn't want to ruin your plans," I sobbed through my tears. "Go on, I'll be okay."

"You didn't ruin them, sweetpea, and, yes, you will be okay, but we're going to be right here to make sure you are."

***

Mom took over with the hugging when we went in the house. Theresa, age 15 and my only sister, had spent the night at a friend's so she was spared the details as I gave them a brief synopsis of what had happened in recent weeks, editing out the more private details.

"I don't know what's come over him but it's like he's a different man than the one I married. He's drinking too much, is at risk of losing his job, and...well, he's lost all compunction to take care of me and protect me. Daddy, I hate to say it but I'm afraid of him. I'm really afraid if I go home that he'll do this again...and that it will be much worse next time. "

Christopher still looked angrier than I'd ever seen him, shaking his head in abject denial when I said this. "No, sis, there's not going to be a next time. I'm going over to make sure of that right now."

My little brothers, ages 19 and 18, stood up with him. "We're going with you, Christopher."

I think he knew they'd say that, for he gave them a nod and a hint of a smile, knowing that they'd always had each others' back.

"Boys, be careful," said Dad with an authoritative edge. "Teach a lesson, yes, but don't do anything...permanent. Understood?" He looked first at Christopher, and then to each of the others.

"Yes, sir," they agreed, almost reluctantly.

"But," Dad continued, barely above a whisper, "impress on him that if anything like this ever happens again, he won't live to regret it." Turning to me, he said, "Amanda, give them the key and write permission for them to enter your apartment to retrieve some of your things. Make a list, a short one. We'll go get the rest on Monday. Now, we have a lot to do."

***

With Jeff still asleep and with a terrible hangover from the night before, the boys surprised him and "impressed" their message on him as Dad had said. Things were apparently worse for him on Monday afternoon when the process server arrived at his work to deliver the divorce papers that Dad had hastily drawn up over the weekend and filed on Monday morning with the help of a court clerk he'd known since before I was born.

"He doesn't work here anymore, as of this morning," replied Mr. Lonergan when the process server was escorted into his office. "I'm sorry—for you, not for him—that you'll have to keep looking. He'd been skating on thin ice for a while; today he showed up hours late with alcohol on his breath and looking like he'd been in a street brawl. You might check his apartment—I can't give you that address but I'm sure you have it in that paperwork—or, the way he's been acting, most any bar in the area."

It took the server until the next morning to track him down at home and, with Dad knowing the legal system and most of the judges so well, just a few weeks before our divorce was finalized. Dad had done a good bit of work with the church over the years, too, but it still took quite some time after that before he could get the bishop to grant an annulment of my marriage due to the abuse I'd suffered.

***

My divorce cast a long, dark, and very embarrassing shadow over me, but I was determined to get through it and move on with my life. While old friends knew, I told no one else, keeping that part of my past as my hidden secret, buried deep in my soul.

With my maiden name restored and my nursing credentials in hand, I got a nursing job at a hospital across town where I knew almost no one and I lived in the small apartment over Mom and Dad's garage for the next few months. Things were going well until Jeff showed up at my work demanding to see me. I got rid of him but, despite the promises my brothers had made, I feared that he wouldn't stop and that I still might not be safe. Since I didn't want the boys or Dad to do anything that would get them in trouble and didn't really want Jeff hurt either despite not loving him any more as I once had, I didn't tell anyone at home about the incident.

Even worse was that Jeff's visit and shouted words had exposed the secret of my divorce to many who hadn't known of my past and I was terribly embarrassed. Divorcées tended to be looked at by many in society as "damaged goods" and it hurt to see the looks and hear the whispers, even though I didn't know what they were saying.

I ended up in tears each evening, crying silently to myself, trying to live through the shame while hiding it from my family.

However, within a few days I had a plan; I visited the military recruiting office and asked about positions as far away as possible in the Army Nurse Corps. The recruiter looked over everything I brought in and told me to come back in two days.

When I did, he said, "Miss Walsh, we currently have a nursing position for which you're qualified available at Tripler Army Hospital in Honolulu, Hawaii. They're currently constructing a new facility a short distance from the existing one and should be fully moved in by sometime late next year. They need a few new nurses every month or two to replace current attrition but they're going to need a lot of new staff when they expand. We can set you up with a two-year enlistment with the option to reenlist. You'd get a one-month stateside leave between enlistments if you choose to renew. What do you think?"

My parents, I knew, wouldn't be thrilled but it wasn't for them; it was what I needed to do. I signed the paperwork, gave my notice at the hospital, and, despite Dad's objections and Mom's strenuous objections and tears, I caught the train for San Diego about three weeks later.

***

Not wanting to become involved with anyone and fearful of what any such relationship might do to my fledgling career, I arrived in Honolulu determined to stay away from men. Assigned to staff housing on Fort Shafter where the hospital was located and generally staying with my flat-mates or another group of girls when going out, it made it easier to do and it worked for almost a year.

During that time, I enjoyed the beaches and the beauty of Oahu, learning to snorkel quite well and to surf much less so. We sometimes hiked and explored on our day off, but most of those evenings were spent going to one of the nearby nightclubs where locals, sailors, and army men mingled, each trying to attract the attention of one of the girls who were there for the evening.

Most of the girls would meet a new man each week, talk with them a bit, have a drink, do some dancing, and maybe even neck a little, but, having been burned before and having no interest in romantic entanglements so far from home, I made it a practice of being uninterested when approached by guys. Yes, I spoke with some and even danced a few times, but I also made it perfectly clear that I wasn't interested in anything more and it wasn't long before I had the reputation of being an ice queen. That didn't bother me at all, allowing me to remain hidden in my crowd; however, that doesn't always work.

Sometimes, an anonymous girl can be picked out of a group despite her wishes.

In this case on an early August evening in 1948, Lorene and I went to the ladies' room at the club; when we came out, a man, tall and dark, stood leaning against the wall with his bright blue eyes focused squarely on mine. Turned as he was, he was blocking the narrow hallway so he shifted to allow Lorene by but when I started to follow suit, he moved again, blocking my way with a playful grin covering his face.

"Pardon me for being forward, ma'am, but I've seen you here several times with your friends. Each time, you're the most beautiful woman in the place, and probably the most beautiful on the whole island, so I kick myself for not stepping up to meet you. Tonight, if you don't mind, I'd rather have your name than a sore rump for another week. I'm Stuart, by the way, but you can call me Stu."

He was wearing the lightweight dress army uniform with a sergeant's stripes, his face shaved smooth and his hair clipped short (of course!), and I couldn't help smiling at the way he looked in combination with the hint of an accent from, I believed, somewhere in the south. Then, when he stuck his hand out in front of me, Stu caught me off balance and I found my hand in his

"Ahem, this is usually where the beautiful lady says, 'My name's...?'" He crooked his head, prompting me when he said it, but my eyes were locked on his and my tongue was equally locked up.

"Uhhh," I started but was unable to get out more when another group of girls came up behind him and wanted to get by to the bathroom.

Still holding my hand, he said, "Tell you what, it's a beautiful night so let's continue this outside."

My head feeling light, I nodded and followed as the girls hugged the corridor wall to let us by with all of them seemingly giggling at my look of discomfort. Moments later, Stu led me out the front door and we sat down together under the stars.

"So, tell me about yourself," he prompted, "but you might want to start with your name?"

***

I did and we talked for a while as we saw people entering and leaving the club. When my friends came out, I said, "Stu, these are my flat-mates; I have to go, but it was nice talking with you."

"Can I walk you home?"

"Thanks, but no. I'd never hear the end of it from them if you did." I didn't want him to get the wrong impression or my address either for that matter.

"I understand," he replied with a smile, "but I hope to see you again." Taking my hand, he lightly kissed one finger and added, "Goodnight."

I muttered the same over the giggles of the girls and then got teased most of the way back to our quarters while trying to put Stu out of my mind. We were almost there when I gasped, realizing that the reason Stu looked familiar was that, while his face was different and his hair was shorter, his general build, completion, and hair color all reminded me of Jeff.

It had been well over a year since Jeff and I had been together so the love I'd once felt for him was long gone but the memories of our time together sometimes came to the forefront of my mind. That happened this night as I recalled our first time, a few special times, and any number of other times. By the time I got to my room and locked my door, I was as wet as could be but with Stu as the unknowing object of my desire rather than Jeff.

Sliding my hand down over my panties, I felt the cotton shift against me, rubbing and exciting me. I used the cloth sliding around over my clitoris to build my excitement for a while before finally getting impatient. Sliding the crotch over, I used a wetted finger to begin working my clit more effectively while taking two fingers from the other hand to dredge my trench for moisture and then sliding them in as I tried to imagine that it was Stu doing it, first with his hand and then with his cock.

Something worked for my breathing became shallower and faster, and I bit off the moan that threatened to explode from my lips as the orgasm rose up, like a giant wave on the North Shore, and swept over me.

Lydia, in the room next to mine in our little flat, came up to me the next morning as I fixed my coffee in preparation for going to work.

"Are you okay this morning, Amanda?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Well, if you are, I may want to try some of whatever you had last night before bed," she giggled and gave an almost silent imitation of the moan I thought I'd silenced.

My face went red with embarrassment but she giggled again and whispered, "Your secret's safe with me, sister—as long as any of mine like that are safe with you."

***

While it left me feeling good despite the embarrassment and knowing that I would do it again soon but much more quietly, I also knew that I didn't want to just hop into a new relationship, particularly with someone so far from home. Unlike some of my nursing friends, I knew that I would do my enlistment and then return home to start a new job, a new life near my family, and, someday, a new family of my own. My family was too important to me to be thousands of miles away. Or, in the case of Stu's family, even a thousand miles from home.

With this in mind, I made it a point to stay away from clubs, and in particular, that one, for a while in order to avoid seeing Stu. On our nights off, I studied, I read, I wrote to my parents or siblings, and occasionally I'd recruit Lydia or Susan to go to the movie theater with me for a show. For months, I avoided the club and Stu until, in early November, the girls told me I had to come along to celebrate Lorene's birthday and her coming departure for the States.

I was on pins and needles throughout the evening, expecting Stu to jump out at me every time I turned my head, but, to my surprise, he never appeared, and I was having a good time by the end of the evening. After that, I relaxed a bit and went out with the girls most weeks, all-the-while wondering to myself if I'd done the right thing by pushing Stu away. I didn't let it get to me, though, and it wasn't long before I resolved that I could have fun and live my life without being tied down. Like Jeff before him, I eventually pushed thoughts of Stu out of my mind.

On my evenings at the club, I danced more and even agreed to dinner with a few guys. I didn't tell any of them about my past marriage because I'd also resolved that nothing serious would come of it. Still, Bert was a nice date and a very good kisser as was Julio until he couldn't take no for an answer. I thanked Bert for a lovely evening with one last kiss and gave Julio a knee when he didn't expect it before slipping away.

The others I don't even remember.

Though they arranged it several months in advance, at Christmas 1948, I had a wonderful time when Mom and Dad brought Matt, Luke, and Theresa to Oahu for a visit. I'd arranged to take a week's leave and spent every minute with them that I could. It made me realize how much I missed them and missed Christopher, though, and when they left, I began to look ahead to my upcoming discharge, just over nine months away. I was looking forward to returning home to Columbus to see my family, my friends, and, just maybe, to find something that I'd increasingly begun to realize was missing in my life.

By spring 1949, we'd moved fully into the new Tripler hospital building. It was bigger and much more complicated than the barracks-like arrangement of the old building, so it took a while to learn the layout and the locations of some of the more obscure departments. I was returning from such a venture one day when I turned the corner to see Lieutenant Janie Kelso, our floor supervisor, talking with a man. Even from behind, I recognized him and my heart raced.

In an instant, I debated slipping away, to hide from him, to avoid the potential heartache or, worse still, possible heartbreak, but Lieutenant Kelso put an end to that, saying, "Sergeant, you're in luck after all. Here she is now."

With both of them turning to look at me, I started to say something, but only "Ahhh..." came out and I was unable to continue.

"Hello, Amanda. I'm back in Hawaii for a couple of months before my discharge and wanted to see you. How've you been?"

"Stu...Stu, you were gone? I knew I hadn't seen you anywhere but didn't realize you were...."

Seeing my discomfort, Lieutenant Kelso did the compassionate thing and said, "Amanda, take five. Try the lounge down on the left; I think it's empty at the moment."

With the lieutenant leading the way, Stu hooked my elbow with his arm and gently pulled me along behind her. She opened the door and peeked in before saying, "Yes, empty. I'll make sure it stays that way. Five minutes."

Turning in front of me, Stu took each of my hands in one of his. "Amanda, I've missed you the whole time I was in the Philippines but I didn't even know your last name until I spoke with Lieutenant Kelso, and that was only after speaking with four other supervisors around the hospital. I wrote some letters but I was afraid I was being too forward considering we'd only met and spoken once so I...I didn't mail them."

"A letter...that would have been nice," I agreed.

"You'll get them, then, but one letter per date, if you'll go out with me. Will you?"

The proverbial cat must have had my tongue for all I could do was nod before he pulled me into his arms. His kiss made my world swirl about me.

"What time do you get off work?"

***

Since it turned out that we were both quartered at Fort Shafter near the hospital but in different areas, we met near the main entrance to the fort and walked to a nearby restaurant rather than going to one of the clubs on the base. Stu felt we needed to get away from the noise and the potential interruptions of friends or others and I couldn't have agreed more.