Cast a Long Shadow

He told me that he'd been transferred to the Philippines to assist in training the new government's forces to fight and maintain the peace with Huks and the HMB, their so-called People's Liberation Army. Stu was quite discouraged with what he'd seen in his time there as well he should have been. It took a lot of U.S. aid and training and six more years before the Hukbalahap Rebellion was ended. When he decided against reenlisting, he was transferred back to Fort Shafter to serve out the last of his tour before he returned to civilian life.

"What about you? How've you been? Are you seeing anyone?"

I was about to tell him that my situation was complicated, but when he asked the last question, I couldn't keep from smiling.

"I've been well, I think. My tour of duty ends in early September so I'm like you, I've already decided to leave and return to the States. As for seeing anyone, no, though I met this nice guy, one time, mind you, which made me wonder if there might be something between us. I didn't think there could be, though, so I spent several months actively trying to avoid him before I realized he'd actually disappeared on me." I poked his arm playfully in case he didn't get the reference.

"Amanda, I...I thought about you every day when I was in the Philippines. I wondered every day if you were like what you seemed and if you'd be willing to give me a chance when I got back." He reached in the inside pocket of his jacket and pulled out a bundle of papers tied off with a ribbon. "And I told you that I wrote to you...quite a lot, actually." He swallowed and handed them across to me. "I told you that I'd give you one per date, but I think it would be better for you to get to know me like this but to also see me as I was rather than spreading it out over time and letting you find something later that could be a problem."

"So you want me to do what my dad says attorneys call 'due diligence?'" I asked with a laugh. He didn't recognize the term but was nodding in understanding before I could even finish explaining it.

"Amanda, I signed up for the army even before I graduated from high school so I wouldn't be drafted, and I was just finishing training for deployment for the invasion of Japan when the war ended. The Army saw something in me over time so I was made a non-commissioned officer and then led my platoon as trainers in the Philippines, but the confidence I felt with all of that disappears when I'm around you. In fact, I suspect I'm probably doing it all wrong, everything about this, but I've never been in love, never even had a girlfriend, so I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is like, love, or maybe even the onset of a new type of dysentery that they just don't have in the Philippines."

I smiled at his uncertainty and his silly attempt at humor, but nodded. "Stu, I think I know what you mean. I liked you a lot for having just met you once, and spent far more time thinking of you—and thinking of avoiding you, I must admit—than I probably should have." I picked up the stack of letters and put them in my purse. "Let's get to know each other a little at a time and not rush into anything, okay?"

We continued talking throughout dinner, telling bits and pieces of our stories, with me only avoiding what had happened with Jeff in its entirety. Each of us asked and answered questions, noting common interests and stories when applicable. After dinner, Stu walked me back to the base and then I let him walk me home. It was the first time I'd ever shared my home address with anyone on Oahu, but I knew, based on what I'd learned of him so far, that he was a good man and wouldn't take advantage of the knowledge even if we decided not to see each other again.

For now, though, he was here and, as we neared my home, I couldn't get the thoughts of that kiss earlier in the day out of my mind. When we stopped, I didn't hesitate; not waiting for him to decide whether to kiss me, I stepped into his arms and time stood still, for at least a while, as the often-mentioned fireworks played out in my brain.

A little later that evening when I climbed into bed, I pulled out the first letter and started reading.

***

Reading faster than I wished but wanting to get through them all, I finished reading the stack well after midnight. Based on what I'd read and what he'd shown earlier that evening, if not love, Stu cared for me a lot at least, probably far more than I cared for him. However, as I read his words and thought on his actions and demeanor, I began to fret and then worry. I'd suggested us taking our time and not rushing into anything, but I realized that there was a huge roadblock between us that I didn't know if we could overcome. That made me sad and I fought off tears as my eyelids got heavy.

I awoke the next morning after a rough night of unsettled dreams. Looking at the calendar and my time remaining, I knew what I had to do.

Stu showed up on my floor just before shift change that evening and sat in the lounge until I was ready to leave for the walk back to the base. Offering me an elbow, he said, "May I walk you home?"

My heart was pained as I shook my head. "Stu, thank you, but...well, I think it's best if we don't see each other anymore. I like you a lot and I know that you like me—your letters were so sweet, beautiful even, and I thank you for each and every one—but I have you at a great disadvantage in that, through what you've told me and through reading the thoughts you've shared in your letters, I know you a whole lot better than you know me. And, Stu, if you did, you wouldn't like it or like me."

He glared at me. "Don't I get a say in whether I like it, and like you, or not? You're just going to throw away whatever we might have together without letting me have any input into it? That due diligence stuff you were talking about last night? Does it only work one way? For you?"

"Stu, it's not like that. I can't see you again," trying to fight off the embarrassment I felt. "You see, I'm not what you think. I'm not anymore...but, well, back home I was married for a while. It didn't work out so I...I had to divorce him."

Rather than the disapproving look I was expecting, Stu looked at me quizzically. "Wow, that's all? That's a relief. I thought you were going to say something bad," he replied, "like you're a spy or a Martian—"

He cocked his finger like the Marvin Martian guy that chased Bugs Bunny in the cartoon.

"—or something."

Despite my mood, I snickered at the Martian suggestion and his imitation, and Stu smiled.

He added, "Seriously, Amanda, the past if the past. While, yes, some people think it's a huge deal breaker for a woman to be a divorcée—I think that's what they're called, right?—and it might even be potentially embarrassing to others, I don't. If you divorced the guy, I'm sure you had a damn good reason to do it and that you're better off without him. So...what I'm saying is that I don't care if you were married in the past, just as long as you're not now. I want to see you again, no matter what, to see if there might be something between us. We don't need to rush into anything, of course, but I feel something for you that I've never felt before and I want us to give it a try."

That wasn't the reply I expected and his apparent relief made it even worse when he took my hand and pulled it against his chest. With him holding it there, I could practically feel his heart beating.

Or, I realized later, maybe it was my own.

***

Stu's words shook me. Why should I continue to be embarrassed about my past when the abuse I suffered and what drove me away from Jeff hadn't been my fault? The answer was, I finally realized, I shouldn't, though with the way society looked at divorcées, I wouldn't advertise it either..

To my surprise and relief, Stu meant what he said. He saw me almost every night we could get together, and over the next two months, we grew closer but there was one more thing I had to do. A few days before his separation date when he would be discharged from active service, I asked him to sit down on the sofa in our flat.

"What's going on, Amanda?" he asked, looking a bit nervous.

I sat next to him and showed him my divorce decree. "I'm really free, Stu, and, since we've been talking about the future, I felt I should prove it to you. I know since you're Baptist that it won't mean anything to you but my dad has my annulment from the Catholic Church too, which means I can also marry in the eyes of the church again. I've asked him to send me a copy of it."

Stu smiled. "Thanks for sharing that with me but I knew that was the case because you'd told me. There is one thing I should probably mention though. Lundsboro, my home town, is the county seat but it isn't exactly a big place. I don't think we even have a Catholic Church in the whole county."

We'd talked quite a bit about his hometown since he planned to return home to learn the business end of the construction business and take over from his father when the older man retired. Therefore, I wasn't really surprised.

"You know, my dad was a Methodist before he met my mother and he converted to Catholicism for her. If this works out between us, I think I might be able to be a Baptist...or maybe at least a Methodist?"

We both laughed, realizing more and more with each day that passed that we'd do just about anything for each other.

***

Wanting to stay in Hawaii with me while I served out my enlistment, Stu found a job with a local construction company and took a room with a roommate at a men's boarding house.

They weren't allowed to have female visitors or to cook in their rooms so I frequently invited him to my flat for dinner when we didn't go out. He was supposed to be off the base by sunset or else be escorted by someone afterwards, but he knew a number of the MPs and had his discharge papers with him so we had some time together most evenings. And each evening that we spent together, I fell a little more in love with him.

"Stu, I have a week of leave at the end of August shortly before my separation date. Would you be interested in going to the Big Island with me?" When he gave me an enthusiastic affirmative, I added, "Do you think you can get off for it?"

"Yeah, Amanda. Leave that to me."

***

Since we were off that day, Stu borrowed a work truck from his boss and we ventured out one Saturday in late July 1949. It was hot and sunny as summer days tend to be on Oahu, but the breeze was cooling and we enjoyed our drive and our conversation along the way as we visited a number of sites around the island. Around 5, we turned north on the coast road of the North Shore. A short time later, Stu turned onto a beach and we drove out a little way before turning around, the tailgate pointing toward the ocean.

"Hop out, sweetheart, I have a surprise," he said with a smile.

Going around to the back, he lowered the tailgate and raised the tarp that, I'd assumed, covered work supplies. Instead of that, I saw a folding card table, a couple of chairs, a basket, and a cooler that proceeded to set up a short distance down the beach toward the surf. A table cloth and flowers came out of the basket, followed by plates, silverware, and a candle that, despite his best efforts, wouldn't stay lit in the brisk breeze. Excited as I was by what he'd put together for me, I still couldn't help giggling at the flame going out over and over until he finally gave up with a laugh of his own, saying, "Oh, well, the sun doesn't set today until about a quarter after 7 anyway."

Unable to wait any longer, I stepped up, put my arms around him, and kissed him hungrily, darting my tongue between his lips; his tongue danced with mine and then returned the favor. My eyes drifted closed as we did this and neither sun nor moon nor stars nor that candle (if we'd been able to keep it lit!) had anything on the fireworks I felt in my brain and the excitement I started to feel down below. I would have gladly kept going but Stu finally separated us with several small kisses and then seated me in a chair at the table.

A bottle of wine that hadn't been emptied came out the top of the cooler; he opened it and poured each of us a goblet of wine. Handing me one, he proposed a toast to "A perfect day" and I had to agree.

Dinner came out of the cooler and the basket after that and we ate, watching the sun slowly sink toward the horizon. When the orb started to near the horizon, Stu said, "Amanda, they call this Sunset Beach. It's supposed to be one of the prettiest spots for the sunset on the island."

"It's so beautiful," I agreed.

"Yes," he said, "but it's nothing compared to you. I love you, Amanda, I always will, and I want to be with you forever."

In surprise, I realized that he was now on one knee in front of me. "Amanda, I'm asking, will you be my wife? Will you marry me?"

"Oh, Stu, yes! Yes, of course I'll marry you," I agreed, wanting it more than anything in the world.

He slipped a ring on my finger before standing up, pulling me up from my seat, and embracing me. We kissed again and again and only took a break when we realized that we were about to miss the sunset.

***

Since direct phone service to the mainland was still several years away, I sent a telegraph to my parents the next day to let them know of my engagement. It was short and to the point, but considering the cost, it had to be. Letters followed, first to Mom and Dad, and then to each of my siblings.

As the days of August slipped by and our vacation approached, Stu and I spent a lot of time together; during that time, we were plagued by our burning desire and severely hampered by our lack of privacy. I suggested "getting him off" but Stu refused, saying as much as he would have liked it, it wasn't fair to me, so we each took care of our own needs each evening after getting home.

It was one of those evenings when I was approaching what had to substitute for heaven for at least a little longer that I came up with an idea. I wouldn't see Stu until the next evening so I went to see the hospital chaplain the next day during my lunch break. He looked at me in surprise when I admitted to my past so I showed him the divorce decree and a photographic copy of the church's annulment that I'd had Dad send me a couple of months earlier when Stu and I started getting serious.

"Will you do it?"

"Your parents won't be pleased," he said.

"Father, I've already done it for them, the whole nine yards. This is for Stu and me and I don't care if anyone else is there."

He nodded and Stu agreed. Therefore, on the day our leave began, at 9 in the morning, Stuart Wilson Evers and I were married in the hospital chapel and our Hawaiian leave became our Hawaiian honeymoon.

We flew into the Hilo airport that afternoon, rented a surplus jeep that had seen better days, and we drove to an oceanside cottage that we'd arranged in advance. When we arrived, Stu had me wait as he carried everything to the front porch and then picked me up out of the jeep and carried me all the way in the house, kissing most of the way as we went.

He may not have been expecting it but I started unbuttoning his shirt as he carried me and when he started to set me down, I said, "Not in here, mister. I think the bedroom's that way."

He grinned and carried me inside, easing me down and then dropping on the bed beside me. I got his shirt off and then he helped me out of the sundress that I'd changed into before we left for the Honolulu airport. I'd originally planned to dress in something to excite him, but as the rest of our clothes came off, my birthday suit must have been quite enough for he was standing to the most rigid attention imaginable when I finally got a good look at him.

Stu reached out toward me but hesitated, whether unsure of himself or wanting permission, I wasn't sure, so I said, "Touch me, Stu, like we said."

"Anything together in love," he remembered, dragging his fingertips lightly up my arm and over my shoulder, stopping at the side of my neck.

"Our love is good," he then continued, running those fingers down my chest, "and kind..."

At the top of my breast, he shifted his fingers around, caressing the side as his breath caught, feeling me for the first time. Sliding his hand under me, he cupped my breast and lifted it with a grin and added, "and fun."

"But we never hurt the one we love," I reminded, remembering the awful lesson I'd learned the hard way from my unsuccessful attempt at marriage.

"Never," he agreed, bending his head down to kiss my nipple.

"You can pinch it a little and suckle on it too," I whispered after the third or fourth kiss. "I like that."

He moved around where he could cup both of my tits, one with each hand, and take turns kissing, nuzzling, and sucking as my nipples grew harder and harder.

As he seemed to grow more confident with that, it wasn't too long before he started to explore. While Stu was personally inexperienced, he was also almost 23, about eighteen months younger than me, so he'd heard enough from his army buddies over the years that he was able, after that initial encouragement, to be able to move forward with only occasional advice from me. With him doing so well, it wasn't long before I shut up and let him go, to do what he wanted with my moans being all the direction and encouragement that he needed.

When he went down on me, I was surprised when he was able to take me over the top the first time, shocked when he did it a second, and on the verge of dying the French's little death when he made it happen a third time. This time, I couldn't take any more so I stopped him and kissed him for a while as I circled my hand around him and slowly ran it up and down.

"You're really good at that, lover. Are you ready to make love to me?"

"God yes," he whispered in reply. I helped position him correctly and then held his aim as he started to push into my depths. It had been so long for me that I felt tight and he felt so big, but I soon realized the fleshy padding over his pubic bone was pressed tight against my own.

Ohh! Nursing school! I screamed in my mind, trying to put such clinical thoughts and terms out of my mind and just concentrate on the raw sensations of my dear husband fucking the living daylights out of me.

And that he did, taking his time with frequent kisses and gentle caresses teamed with long deep thrusts that seemed like the jack on Dad's '39 Packard, ratcheting me up and up and up, a bit more at a time, until I finally grunted, "Stu, I'm getting so close to coming. Are you?"

He nodded and I realized only then that his clenched jaw had been him trying for most of our lovemaking to fight it off.

"Faster, Stu! Harder!" I encouraged, leading him to do just as I said. Just a few thrusts more and I added, "We'll do this together in—Ahhh!"

He moaned loud and long as I felt him pulsing within me. Breathing heavily, he finally collapsed on the bed beside me and, to my surprise, pulled me over on top of him.

"Oh, Stu, that was so good," I whispered to him through a flurry of kisses. "And I didn't dream you'd last anywhere close to that long."

"I wasn't sure but Chuck, my friend from work, said that I should concentrate on you and jack off before we did anything the first time so I wouldn't disappoint you."

I shook my head. "You didn't!"

"Just twice," he said sheepishly. "I was hoping that would be enough in case we wanted to go again later."

Laughing, I said, "Most definitely! And if you ever get such an urge in the future, you let me know and we'll figure out the best way to take care of it together, okay?"

Needing to go to the bathroom, it was only then that I realized we'd missed something important. "Stu? Condom?"

"Damn! In the heat of the moment, I didn't even think about it. I'm sorry."