All Comments on 'Castles in the Sky'

A very interesting take on this kind of story. I enjoyed it. Thank you.

well done. 5*

Great writing! Seriously, this section is cut throat with the annon’s trolling everything written lol. The story came across as a slice of real people in real

Situations doing the very best they can. The “temperament of the main character was nearly saintly. The trade of was a lower level of hostility between all the players. A nice change from the normal in LW 5&FAV&FOLLOW

Great story. Very engaging. Nice to see them land on their feet.

Not a big fan of cheating and acceptance hence the 3 stars. Other than that well written

Very good. Perhaps a bit too much unneeded conversation in the first third of the story. I could tell that you were having fun with the conversations, but some of it did not advance the story. Still, 5*.

I guess that my tastes are very different and, hence, I have a hard time understanding the favorable comments. I started reading the story, but could not get past the first page because the writing was too wordy. This is decent writing, but not good enough to maintain interest based on words alone. Therefore, I skipped to last page to see if there was something that would suggest reading the the pages in between. I see nothing but a juvenile wet dream of a story of a man with not two, but three, wives in his life. The ending is so repugnant and unrealistic to me that I was happy not to have wasted 8 pages of text to reach that disappointment. Again, I guess other people have other views on husbands sharing three wives.

I read the first page and found it full of explanations and details that did nothing to move the story along. Then I discovered the story was 10 pages long, and I wasn't prepared to invest that much time in a story that dragged along at a snail's pace. So, I jumped to the last page, and found that the MC agrees to have children with his wife who has a female lover. If I had known that, I wouldn't have bothered jumping to the last page. I would struggling urge the writer to re-edit this story and dump about half of it. That would make it a much more readable tale. But it still wouldn't be my cup of tea.

StoneyWebb doesn’t seem to have made much of an effort to get to know one of the very best stories I have read on this site. I would agree, the beginning is verbose and can be happily left out, but to judge a story of 10 pages on the first half of the first page and the same on the 10th is maliciously irresponsible.

The point about it all is that real emotions and problems are displayed and worked on here, not a scheme X typical BTB/RAAC adultery case.

The quality of the story lies both in the unusual and interesting plot, but also in the rare quality of the English writing.

Congratulations on both!

Something new. Something good.

Alil too long and forgot the postnup

This story did stretch out in length more than seemed necessary. That the mc took so long to pick up on his wife’s lifestyle was a stretch of credibility. He was betrayed by in-laws that knew the truth, by his wife and her lover, and even his mistress who clearly stated he was not welcome around her and his kids full time. Lastly, by implication the reader is led to believe he fathered a child with his wife’s lover in the end as well? This was so convoluted as to make it interesting for its unique characteristics, but the implausible ending brought it in at a 4.4 stars.

Thank you, Patrickson! An outstanding tale! I found some genuine emotion as well as clever twists and turns. To me, RACC and BTB are tools to find balance, and your story left me feeling like James found some balance. OK, after at the time that Lou was dishonest, the scales may still tipping her way, but it all worked for James, apparently.

My only issue is in respect to the dialogs. Honestly, there were many times I had to guess who was speaking? That's not necessary, all you had to do was end the quote with a comma and identify who said it. This was especially true when there were 4 people hashing things out. When James spoke, I mostly figured that out (he was the one with anger issues.) When Nita, Lou or Briony spoke... well it was a crap-shoot (for me, maybe everyone else could see through it) guessing who said what.

At the Christmas event, I was expecting to find out that the families knew about the Lou/Briona relationship and they all assumed that James was in on it too. That they apparently did not would have been a real challenge to observant parents, especially as they knew about Briona's predictions.

Now that I've paid my coin for this find story, I want to again say, THANK YOU!

Well this is the most common way to misinterpretate Buddhist view

What a croc of shit

Very cerebral. Repeating the same thoughts over and over again lost its interest in what you wanted to say as a story. It would have been more successful as a 2 or 3 page story.

Good tale until the poly RAAC ending. The objections to impregnating Louise by the husband were valid and fundamental. That created a watershed divide in the tale’s logic that required a rather direct response by Louise. The story never addresses this question. Instead you tease your reader papering over this gaping Grand Canyon size chasm with nonsense about bringing in Louise and Briony’s extended extended families into an campfire kumbaya singing metaphysical group hug. Then just as the clown show gets started you Deux ex Machina your readers with BOTH Louise AND the bull dyke Briony suddenly being pregnant.

What a load of utter bull product! Sad really because the rather torturous walk through this strange garden of gay entitlement was at least marginally intriguing. Your readers deserved a valid answer to the husbands question instead of shoehorned RAAC wallpaper.

Ah well Paradise Lost again….

3 stars

So I liked the Blackadder and D&D references, and maybe they are significant for this tale because the only way this ending would work is by applying a large dose of fantasy. 15 years of lies and betrayal and yet everyone, including the extended families, end up in some kind of unicorn rainbow family, it's just to much stretch of imagination. To me, if Louise and James had separated after Brionys and Louise visit to Manchester and the following kids talk, the story would have been much better, felt more real.

What the Fuck with this ending ? I cant see how Louise prove James is number one ? She just integrated Nita and the girls to the whole family but nothing change about Briony as number one in her Heart. Louise choose Briony over children but cant choose James over children.

You said its not a RAAC but you do it in the ending and with 10 pages your ending is really short and there is not enough explanation, like how Briany become pregnant and how James is really number one

Lots of words, lots of pages and the end result? A mess.

"Very interesting." (Spoken by a helmeted, mustachioed guy wearing a trench coat and sitting on a tricycle.)

I liked this. A clever take and a great twist on the plot. Funnily enough I was expecting them to move to Manchester. That would have put James first too and Ho en more time with the new children.

But liked it all the same. Love Nita. She was a blast.

I give 4 *. These last two paragraphs are a bit laconic - discovering a solution to such a complicated problem would deserve at least a Nobel Prize, so I feel quite dissatisfied - I actually don't know what has changed in relation to his reservations - except that he also impregnated Briona?

Having read the first page, I had the same reaction as Someoneother. However, I bailed out then, and did not jump to page 10. Having read his comment on the Comments page, I am glad I did. No rating from me, because that would be unfair.

JPB

This is a well written story but it us utter nonsense. I realize that it is fiction but there has to be some sort of realism it it. There is no sane person who would stay in this relationship and there is no way that it would work long term. He is right, down the road they will be divorced, he will loose his kids and most of what he owns. One one would stay in a relationship like this unless they had to. He needs to run as far and as fast as he can.

Too much talk and actually zilch action… and confusing as hell!

An unusual contribution to the genre, and possibly even to the site (although it might have a home in Romance).

I rather enjoyed it. I failed to predict the ending, but I enjoyed the build and development.

It certainly is an atypical scenario, perhaps the cause for my enjoyment, and quite probably a bit far-fetched: but it's quite refreshing to read a story where people are not members of SF or Seal-teams, dont have PhD-levels of surveillance device technology and are not impossibly well-connected or wealthy. It's every bit as worthy of 5*, or more so, than the run-of-the-mill other contributions.

3 stars - by page four it was plainly obvious which way this story was headed - so yes, I skipped to the end.

This marriage is an impossible lie right from the get go - lies of omission, lies of trust, lies of respect and honour. There never was a free pass at any point of their relationship. When he found out about it, the rational thing to do was to plant video recording devices in both side of his house, to gather the evidence he needed to end the cheater's conspiracy - with divorce paperwork. The lesbians only wanted him to father their children - so he was just a human dildo/impregnator to them. Hell - at any time the lesbians could take him to court and using DNA evidence prove he was the sperm donor and then hold him financially responsible for the children he sired. He would be better off just living with Nita.

This is not something I would ever consider as a viable loving caring marriage. Especially, when you consider the lesbian relationship was a well kept secret, that he only realized in a chance glimpse of their passionate embrace. As far as I am concerned, ANY KIND of physical or emotional loving relationship outside of a marriage between two people, is an infidelity, adultery or cheating.

This is BLACK or WHITE - there are no 50 shades of grey in real life.

A lot of writers promote poly relations .

He should stay with Nita and spend life .

2 stars for me.

Also could be a bit shorter .

Another awful irrealistic fempov dream glorifying the cheating without consequences, that exists only in some fantastic femdom world. Make these tales more balanced and realistic to get a better readers evaluation.

So 10 years or more of betrayal and Lou gets what she wants. Forget Karma, how about moral justice? Also the story is polyanna and unreasonable.

How did Briony get pregnant? IVF or the old fashioned way? I don’t feel that Louise EVER put James first in their relationship, he was number 3, Briony was number 2 and Louise was number 1. Briony was also number 2 in her relationship with Louise. Louise was the number 1 in any/all of her relationships. She virtually admitted it, “Why can’t I have my cake and eat it too?” The only times James got any consideration was when he stiffened his spine and made things uncomfortable enough to force them to pay attention.

An interesting story, and a unique way to look at the Loving Wives genre. All in all, I like it, its original, its emotional, and its a nive change of pace to see everyone keeping calm and rational. My own complaint is the ending. In itself, the ending, a melting pot happy ever after is wonderful and I love it, but its too quick. 9 and a half pages of suspense and build up culminating in a discussion where everyone lays their cards on the table, but then only half a page describing the resolution. It feela rushed and glossed over. No way it would be that easy as just a couple of months of blending the family then wife gets pregnant and then bam the commited lesbian with a fear of men also pregnant. Its a wonderful idealised ending and Im truly happy that they all got their happy ending, but the how should have taken more than just half a page given the groundwork laid to get to that point in the story. It almost feela like an afterthought.

I need a translator for this one the plot sounded cool though.

Thank you for this story. I enjoyed it!

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Be well!

Maybe a tad long but still enjoyable. There are well-known writers on this site who would have carved this into 5 separate parts to garner more points! Personally, I prefer this full-on approach. Many thanks for your hard work.

This was a shaky five stars before the revelation at the end that Briony was pregnant, presumably from James. That dropped it to four, and when I think about the unreality of the whole weird sharing premise, I’m tempted to drop it to three. The author never once brings up what would inevitably be comparison and jealousy between Lou and Nita (and Briony?) as to which is better in bed with James. He avoids it, I suspect, because it would reveal the never-never land that is the illusion of successful sexual sharing.

Good lord, 1 1/2 pages and bored to tears! I’ll keep going because Patrickson is a good writer, but there are limits to my patience

To start with some good news, that was a fairly unique twist. Not completely unique, but close enough.

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Now, for the bad news. Unique doesn't mean good. The story struggled because suspension of disbelief just wasn't enough to make it credible. It did have it's moments, but not enough to sustain it.

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Also, it started off on a bad foot. The actual story didn't really start until nearly a dozen paragraphs in. By that time, my opinion of the main character and the story in general had dropped considerably.

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I understand Louise saying she didn't cheat, because she was dishonest at every point in the story, but I don't understand James or Nita saying it. Yes, she put a loophole in her vows. That doesn't mean she didn't cheat, it just means she also cheated with her vows.

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Actually, I do agree that, upon actually paying attention to her vows, divorce was not the proper response. No, due to the malice aforethought, the appropriate action would be to file for annulment. Her vows are substantive proof that she defrauded him. As the entire marriage was a fraud, the appropriate action is to declare it never existed.

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I do have to give you props for his reasoning for refusing to give Louise a child. It was well thought out and one of the high points of the story. It is only slightly tarnished by him giving in and having a child with her.

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On a similar vein, having him impregnate Briony could have made for a nice, erotic scene to offset cheapening the story. Instead, you tossed it in the epilogue so the reader got all of the negative and none of the positive.

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In conclusion, it wasn't a great read and I found myself skimming at times. That drops the max rating to a 3. I went back and forth between 2 and 3, but ultimately I realized that 2 was the most fitting rating.

The ending made no sense. Liked it till the last page, but the wrap up didn't actually address the problems he had with getting her pregnant. It was just, and they all live happily ever after.

Sorry, that was more like a CAG story. Endless repetition and minutiae everywhere.

If you read the first 2-3 pages then skip to the middle of 9 you won’t miss much. 3*

I laugh at comments that point out stories as being ‘unrealistic’. Hey dumbo! It’s a story! Then having said that I find myself often saying to people about encounters I have had in a capacity I don’t wish to divulge; ‘You couldn’t write the script.’ By that I mean that life and people display an infinite number of often bizarre mixes and sequences.

You crafted some amazing characters with great depth. I will re-read again and again, as I do ‘The French Exit’. Quoting one of the most amazing lines ever from ‘Blackadder Goes Forth’ was so well placed and so appropriate at that point. It had the levity and gravity it deserved. Very well done indeed and thank you. I look forward so very much to reading future work and understand just how much is involved so I know it may be a while.

Very best wishes G.

I really liked all the allusions you dropped into the earlier part of this tale - and I bet I missed some. The underlying premise is a very interesting one but I felt that you let the story get away from you towards the end. From the characters you have written (and you write well) I would expect James to shift his main base to Manchester, where the children are, but would Nita cope? Unfortunately for him, he seems to be involved with three women who all want him in their lives, but none of whom want him all the time. (I know that Bryony's "want" is different.) Thank you for posting it.

Golly Gosh, this was different. My head is still reeling! I enjoyed the story, emotions bouncing from "dump the bitch" to "Jump in bed with all of them" (which, in the end, he did). Looks like they all had the best of both worlds.

Great story, but you really rushed the ending. Another page or so at the end to develop the blending of the families and explain how the pregnancies finally came about and you'd have a 5+ story. On page 9, there's a mess and no chance for Louise to have children. And then boom, it's all done, with no explanation of how it happened. An excellent story as it stands but you could make it better with a page of polish at the end.

A very enjoyable story, would have liked for the ending to not be so rushed. Not upset with it, just would like it to be as fleshed out as the rest of the story.

Looks like you got tried of writing at the end of what could have been a really great story.

Very thought provoking and interesting read.

Over 4 years after their recommitment ceremony and James hadn't confronted Louise and Briony? Had a hard time swallowing that bit.

As selfish and disrespectful as Louise was for their entire marriage until she found out about Nita and the kids ... Hard to see this whole situation working out in the long run.

Very interesting. Nice job going through the thoughts and feelings

Outstanding, and extremely well written. Yes, the ending was a bit telegraphed but there were only so many ways it could go.

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Two suggestions - the story was both too long and too short. Too long in that the very clever, well written dialog got a bit repetitious. Nowhere near Cagivagurl levels, but still a bit could have been trimmed. Then again, perhaps this suggestion is a bit like the scene in Amadeus where the Emperor tells Mozart that there were too many notes, and to cut a few; Mozart replied "which few did you have in mind"?

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As for too short, as others have mentioned, the ending felt a bit rushed. Still, to quote the Emperor: "Your work is ingenious. It's quality work." I'm pretty sure the Emperor then said "5* for sure!".

Maybe I'm slow. I totally got why Jammer didn't want kids with Louise after learning that she couldn't commit to a life without her GF, but why did he change his minding? We're supposed to believe that the 3-woman conspiracy to bind all the extended families together demonstrates Louise's commitment not to divorce him after she gets kids?

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Halloo? She has had 15+ years of marriage to prove her honesty and trustworthiness: she failed. She could have proven her willingness to sacrifice anything for their marriage: she failed. She sacrificed nothing. She wants children by her husband, but at no point can she waive her right to take his ancestral home, children, and business from him, nor would she. Getting to know Nita's family doesn't guarantee diddly about Louise not filing for divorce.

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Considering that Louise's concept of guaranteeing her commitment to James actually means adding lots more babysitters sympathetic to everyone except James--remember that he is alone in the world--I'd think that knocking up the GF could add incentive to the looming divorce.

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No, JJ is exactly right on P9: Louise doesn't have enough longevity left in her life to undo her betrayal. She has given him NO reason to trust her. She has only been as "faithful" as she has in order to get his kids in that house with that GF.

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Maybe he should divorce and evict her before giving her kids. Would that work?

Very thought-provoking story. Even though you telegraphed the basic plot, you made it worth reading.

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I thought the dialogue between the honest characters was outstanding. That alone should have demonstrated the deficiencies in the stagnant relationship with Louise.

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Nita's assessment of the other women and their lack of insight in how to resolve conflicts was also a strong point. However, Jumbo really needed to be reminded that Nita also doesn't 'love' him enough to be selfless--she will conspire in whatever means necessary to keep him a part-time dad and lover.

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He is on his own, swimming with 3 sexy beautiful sharks.

I'm so thrilled there's a new Patrickson.

Only just begun it, and I plan to read it slowly. But I want to express my appreciation for the Sherlock Holmes reference on page 1, a "three pipe problem". Hear hear.

Onward.

I agree with @Rw43: "three sexy sharks" and Louise's a great white.

Loved the story. Definitely makes the reader think about all the implications with each change to the dynamic. Well done!

Very divided by the story.

Some very good passages and others that are stupid and boring.

Some actions, reactions or behaviors are completely incoherent and the changes are too quick, too easy.

Wonderful.

(As usual.)

Several times I was impatient, wanting James to get a little more angry and shove stuff in their faces. But you had bigger fish to fry, aiming for the non-zero-sum solution and the larger family. I think you achieved it. Much "warmer" and expansive than the typical LW-betrayal story.

I have 2½ comments. I don't know if these are "nitpicks" or "constructive criticism" or just "observations". Somewhere in between, I guess.

1. I was extremely satisfied when James put his foot down on page 9. Hell no. Long time coming, and well deserved. I feel he doesn't necessarily do a great job of explaining himself – that probably makes this story a bit more realistic. so many of the husbands in these tales express themselves perfectly the first time out. He eventually gets his point across, sufficiently. He could've hit harder on the lying, and on point #2 below. But, again, not always realistic that someone in the moment understands their feelings perfectly. It felt very real that he would stand his ground with resolution, and only slowly come to completely understand how he feels.

I also very much enjoyed James walking out on Christmas. Most of us fans of the LW-betrayal stories crave some embarrassing comeuppance be served up to the errant spouse, and that hit the spot.

2. Someone needs to tell Louise that she would make a shitty mom. She is self-absorbed; completely up her own ass. She has no concept of sacrifice. Her idea of "compromise" is that she has her cake and eats it too. She even says so! Selfish twat. Briony and James both waiting on her every whim. Fuck her.

I can believe that Louise is changed at the end of the tale; changed enough that she would actually be a decent mom, and also have some consideration for her husband. She had to be forced into it, but she got there, and the ability to learn might be more important than knowing right behavior from the start. So I don't mind that she gets her happy ending.

But I would have loved James to say some of this stuff to Louis on page 9 or 10, about sacrifice and her idea of compromise and how she would be a shitty mom. It's very, VERY rough; but James is or should be very very angry. She can stand to be yelled at a little; not everything we say to our spouse has to be perfectly measured. He can go a little too far yelling at her, and she can have her feelings hurt, and then when it's all out they can simmer down and walk it back to on-balance. But I strongly feel she needs to hear it. And it would make for a "rawer" (more raw?) scene, and maybe make her subsequent transformation that much more understandable / believable / convincing to us readers.

½. I don't have a great feel for Briony as a person. Strengths, weaknesses, is she funny? James likes her, but what's she LIKE? Perhaps that's a reflection of the reality of this story; James doesn't know her as well as the other women, either. Nita is by far the most vividly drawn of the women in the story.

I like that she gets pregnant too. Not just in a "the man knocks up all three of the vixens" way, which is common enough in this genre (and I wouldn't mind it), but because it establishes some symmetry. Gives Briony more skin in the game, and more connection with James. Gives James more of a connection with the whole family, including Briony's parents.

Great story. Everything you put here is so rich and well-considered. Keep 'em coming!

I mean, to the extent you can. I have no trouble believing that "it takes time to craft the story to read at a level you're happy with." We appreciate it.

@Rw43 – Smart way to make paragraph breaks! Wish I'd thought of it.

Terrific story. Imaginative and thoughtful. 5 stars.

I would guess that the real problem in the whole equation is James. Nobody wanted to be with just him. He was good enough for part time and to be the conductor of the gravy train, in both cities. He might have been better off if he had just had both of the narcissistic bitches on the side and not been married or had children with either of them. As for Briony, he should have bounced her ass down the road so quick that she wouldn't even have had time to get road rash. No respect for James from any of them, including the parents of the two liars that lived in his house. That's why everyone was so shocked that he didn't just bend to their wishes at the Christmas party. Only reason I can think of that he would want to live like this or even put up with it around him is that he really is the King of Vapes, and used so much cannabis in his that he is brain blown. Not many stars for this one.

The best story like this. The MC did not betray his values and I did not feel the character were manipulated to fit a narrative. Just needed a paragraph or two of how he worked with Bri to heal her heart and connect with her in her own simpler way.

This must be never never land where nothing has to make sense and work in the real world. Just a bunch of childish selfish bitches and one completely idiotic man. Sorry, nothing about this works. It's a complete cluster fuck looking for a place to happen.

I understand both sides of the discussion of either skipping to the end after dealing with the verbose first page or muscling through it to appreciate the story.

/

For me, I pick option C, avoid the story altogether. I'm good for about five pages as my limit unless it is captivating from the beginning. To wade through a tedious first page in hopes it gets better is kind of like jamming multiple splinters under one's fingernails hoping it will feel good. For me, I'll skip the splinters.

/

For those who enjoyed the story, great! I'm happy y'all had the pleasure of reading it.

Thank you for writing this. I am trying to understand a different viewpoint than my normal one.

This was very well written. Sometimes a bit wordy but very good overall.

I would out this in the bucket called "optimism" since I have never seen people actually behave this way.

But it is fantasy and it was pretty good.

What a convoluted mess, but I liked reading it. 5*****

How could Briony's parents ever feel they had any stake or status in James and Louise's marriage? Briony and Louise being long time friends doesn't mean they had some kind of parental in-law rights to Louise. It seems inconsistent with typical family dynamics for Louise to spend the night at Briony's parents house when her parents house had plenty of room for her AND her husband James. Briony's parents had to know there was more between Briony and Louise than being "good friends." Briony's mom had to be denser than a lead brick to not understand James's objections to the sleeping arrangements.

Louise was a conniving piece of crap. When James finally succeeded in shaking all of the bat crap out of the rafters of his marriage, he should have had a strong post-nuptuial drawn up to protect his property and business. Briony's parents should have been excluded from any grandparents visiting rights as Louise's kids aren't their grandkids. Briony should start paying full rent for the flat and the door between James's house and flat should get sealed.

A lot about this story smells like old fish. To many 'h*ck no' moments.

The story is much too long. A lot of wasted words. And the ending is really bad. He should just get on with his life without her. Let her be with her mate.

So..... the author 'Chopped Liver' gets shredded for being too verbose, for going around and around in circles, for hashing and rehashing every little conversational detail. This story was exactly THE SAME, except this one never made sense. Got thru all 10 pages looking for something, not sure what, but never found it.

He should have stuck to his guns and have no kids with eather one of the untrustworthy whores.

Didn't like it.

- Confused main character. No clear goals, emotions, thoughts. Just ponderings about life.

- Redundant dialogs. 'Kettle on?' does not progress the story in any way.

- No story structure. There can be no development, conflict, overcoming obstacles if there are no clear main character goals.

An outstanding story by an outstanding writer. Quite long, but gripping and engaging from beginning to end. There are some strange, or at least unexpected, twists and turns, but they are part of the enjoyment.

So many of the comments here judge the story by the criterion of whether it goes the way they want it to. Is that how you guys read "Anna Karenina"? "Oh, I hated it, because she cheated on her husband and abandoned her kids." For me what matters is the world the author creates, and how the writer draws us into caring about the characters and what happens to them.

Patrickson writes beautifully, and with care. Everything here has clearly been carefully thought through. He creates a uniquely complex and tangled marital situation, and then shows us how the characters handle it. If it's not "realistic," whatever that means, then of course neither was his "The French Exit," which was no less great for being quite improbable. I found this story enormous fun to read--and I will eagerly await the next story he shares with us!

Thanks, ohio

I was a trifle let down that although the phrase "chuffed as nuts" is used, "wazzo pair of jugs" doesn't make an appearance.

The ‘moral’ of the story is an undeniable truth; successful, healthy relationships demand openness and honesty. Five from me for an original, intelligent and well written work.

Displays a gross misunderstanding of sexuality and the nature of honor and commitment. Every character is despicable and the story is full of massive, and glaringly obvious plot holes. I expect better from this author.

I agree that the price of their treachery would have been no children, not with me at least. That Christmas bullshit woulda been the very last straw

A verbose and convoluted story about very peculiar and boring people. I cannot blame my reaction on the author since this story portrays a culture that is incomprehensible to me. Is this some kind of suburban British apartment trash culture? OK, I admit that I hardly understood this story in part because I hardly read it. After the obscure dithering of page one I went directly to page 10, and from my perspective I hadn't missed anything of substance. I saw that there we now some children involved, but they were played like poker chips, having no role beyond their existence, and this was important for some reason because, like poker chips, somebody wanted more? And somehow the stupid cuck was the semen bestower? And the biggest problem of all for me, who gives a fuck about any of these people? They have no objective compulsive intrigue or character traits or redeeming literary interest: stick characters in a story about a cheating wife and some sort of polyamory ending, that appeared to be heavy on the "poly" and very light on the "amory." Oh, and more poker chips were begat, so I guess that was a the main goal? Was that the point of this story?

\

Thanks for the effort. I hope it reaches the audience who can appreciate it.

you forgot to tell in the epilogue that he impregnated also each of his mother-in-laws. And the family grows and grows… and everybody is finally happy…

Except for page 1, about as good as FreddyTheCamel’s work. It didn’t open well.

After reading the story, then the comments, sentiment seems generally divided into pro/anti polyamory. Poly is exceptionally difficult and complicated and requires such continuous discussion, compromise, and renegotiation that 95% of the world is incapable of understanding much less experiencing. Monogamy has rules, standards, guardrails, and lines in the sand.

There are a lot of women, probably most, willing to share. The pieces hard to reconcile would be finding 3 women and a man willing to go a decade sharing without confronting reality. We are all pretty good at denial, but the piper comes due for everyone except these 4.

I don’t know why anyone is surprised that James was willing to go along to get along, it’s what men do. It’s usually the women who fuck things up and this tale is consistent in that regard.

~Spiny

What a tale

I enjoyed your story but it left me a bit ambivalent.

First, I think that there was quite a bit of extraneous writing. For example, top p2: “ He finished his cup of tea with his maudlin daydreaming and checked himself out in front of the mirror. He pulled a face to make sure there was nothing caught between his teeth. Move his fringe around until it looked as he wanted and then stepped away. He saw his phone on the table and from habit picked it up to put it in his pocket.” I guess this is “ambience,” or, “mood setting,” but I don’t think it serves that purpose well. Those kinds of interludes just sap the energy I have for the story away, at least for me.

Second, I know that she is an oath keeper, but did I miss the bit about not “forgetting” when to take birth control? Women control their fertility in the culture you describe. So, I would like to understand that. Because if a woman wants to get pregnant, she will—if she is reproductively able.

Third, who or what got Briony pregnant? Enquiring minds would like to know…

Well there you have it Briony just had to give a good man a chance to play hide the sausage and all is well. James must be packing quite the sausage to keep 3 women happy

You don’t post often, but when you do, you don’t go half way. Great one thanks for sharing. I liked the unusual plot, the writing and the characters development. Also, that you revealed some elements of the plot not directly, but after it came up. (Ex. He comes back to see if it’s really happening and the fact that he came during the night is only revealed with the discussion with Nita) A few things nagging me were:

- the time it took for him to confront her

- the children holding on his part. Ok he levelled the playing field, she twisted the truth with her vows and was dishonest, but he accepts it. I got his PoV for the last two pages, but make herself wait and not deal with it earlier isn’t fair IMO in this case, she could not be able to have some in the future…

Question: when will you publish the first part if « Grave conversation »? I’d love to read it. Thanks

I forgot, the end feel rushed. Like the french exit. You took time to develop the plot and characters. It feels too rushed in the end

@onlytheonelylove: For your first point, you've been reading way too much bad writing because it's that sort of extra that gives good writing its flavor. Every fool writer can write a story with just dialogue and action, but it's what you call the extraneous bits, that only the really good writers put into words.

Now, it's a totally different matter if the 'extraneous bits' in this story are any good.

Moving along, while obviously quite far-fetched, I quite enjoyed it, though they never did really deal with the 10 years of infidelity and dishonesty properly. I can see how this might work for a very, very specific set of individuals. It'd be difficult in the long run, but it might work.

So old Jammer folded in the end. He got exactly what he said he would never accept: a child by Louise and, even more over the top, a child by Briony. Now he's in for two separate child support payments if Louise and Briony go off into the sunset together. What conceivable difference does it make if Louise's and Briony's parents know all the details? It doesn't change his part time, second place status in his marriage. If anything it makes him even more marginal. Now he Louise an Briony even more tightly bonded through their young children and Nita's losing some of her status and time to the other two and their kids as Jammer takes up his parental responsibilities with them. Bollocks James! What have you done? Or perhaps it more of a case of no bollocks James. At least, with his successful business, he can afford to stand to stud with his harem band. Well written study of a man who lets the women in his life manipulate him. 5 stars.

There is a lot of good stuff in the story but it doesn't work. I loved Nita. The story is from James' POV and he seems to be a factual narrator until he isn't. He unknowingly married a lesbian and invited her lover into his house. He lives a life that requires him to be away a lot and the lesbian lovers take advantage. Years later, he sees them kiss and realizes that his marriage was a lie. He should have gotten a divorce or annulment and left the lesbians to live their lives.

Three pages is the best length. I skipped to the end after the first page and don't feel like I missed anything. It would have been better if you had him move out and get away from the lesbians. If Nita didn't want to marry him, they could just live apart. It seemed like Nita became a conspirator with the lesbians against him. James may not be as great as he thinks he is.

You need an editor. Ohio would be a great choice since he likes your work. You have talent but this one failed. No one should bring kids into this fake relationship.

What a farce. He stayed with a woman where he was plan b? Has a woman who truly loves him but will not commit. This was silly. And wordy. Good grief cut it in half.

In the end... wife one is a cheating, lying, bitch who cheerfully made her husband a chuck...for years. He was an idiot and a cuck anyway you look at it. It could have been a good story, but...

I didn't love this story, but there was enough in it that I liked that overall, I thought it was pretty good. I think that the discussions and reasonings were there to drive the story rather than something I could buy into if I were in a similar situation in real life. There is enough here for me to look for other stories by you.

I love to read, so I love longer stories, and so I'm very grateful towards authors to make such an effort. This was a very good and engaging story. Thank you so much!

That said, I agree with some other commentators: The end is (far) too abrupt, especially in light of the thoroughly constructed plot and detailed descriptions of the MC's feelings- until the time when everything was in the open and the MC made his well-founded and strict refusal of his wife's demand for children.

It was not at all clear to me, how and why he changed his decision within such a short time. This was not a development you could justifiably move into an "Epilogue". The change of heart ist certainly not out of the question, given the MC's character, but still must have been gigantic, and not something to be explained implicitly only by visits and spending time as extended family. No account of thought processes on James' side at all. Then there is one absolutely meager paragraph of factual statements of pregnancies in the end. As a happy father of three I like pregnancies very much, but huh? The lack of open reasoning was quite frustrating for me as an otherwise very interested reader.

Jeesh can MC's try remain true to who and what they are. Words...words...more words and the end result is that the lesbians get what they want and all his posturing turns out to be drivel

Perhaps I missed something, but Lerotica is a site for publishing stories of an erotic nature, and this was about as erotic as a wet weekend in Manchester, even though it had all the ingredients to make it hugely erotic. A lesbian relationship that many men find 'interesting' to watch and even, in a threesome, to participate in. It had a married couple bonking like mad every weekend. An Indian lady was wearing a sari. An incredibly sexy garment often worn over one shoulder, leaving the other bare, with a short bodice or ornate bra covering her breasts and leaving a portion of her midriff exposed above a long, flowing skirt that covered her legs and anything else of interest to a healthy, heterosexual male. Add to that The Kama Sutra, an ancient Indian Sanskrit text on sexuality, eroticism and emotional fulfilment, and James would not have entertained a thought of returning to Letchworth.

For fiction to work, it should be plausible, an element of truth that readers can relate to. I found the plot, clever as it was, too far-fetched and unbelievable, especially as Louise wanted children for ten years and failed to get pregnant even though her husband was shagging her brains out. Why? Was she infertile? Were her tubes blocked, or was James slipping contraceptive pills in her tea?

No, this was not my cup of tea. I think it belongs more to Mills and Boon than Lerotica.

Perhaps I missed something, but Literotica is a site for publishing stories of an erotic nature, and this was about as erotic as a wet weekend in Manchester, even though it had all the ingredients to make it hugely erotic. A lesbian relationship that many men find 'interesting' to watch and even, in a threesome, to participate in. It had a married couple bonking like mad every weekend. An Indian lady was wearing a sari. An incredibly sexy garment often worn over one shoulder, leaving the other bare, with a short bodice or ornate bra covering her breasts and leaving a portion of her midriff exposed above a long, flowing skirt that covered her legs and anything else of interest to a healthy, heterosexual male. Add to that The Kama Sutra, an ancient Indian Sanskrit text on sexuality, eroticism and emotional fulfilment, and James would not have entertained a thought of returning to Letchworth.

For fiction to work, it should be plausible, an element of truth that readers can relate to. I found the plot, clever as it was, too far-fetched and unbelievable, especially as Louise wanted children for ten years and failed to get pregnant even though her husband was shagging her brains out. Why? Was she infertile? Were her tubes blocked, or was James slipping contraceptive pills in her tea?

No, this was not my cup of tea. I think it belongs more to Mills and Boon than Literotica.

You're a good writer--that much is abundantly clear. To get a reader interested and keep them reading, the first 1000 words in a book/novelette or 500 in a short story need to draw in the reader, hook them, and keep them engaged. In this work, I had a hard time after the initial four, well-written paragraphs; these set an expectation that was slow in materializing. We began down the path, and then the pathway became murky. Paragraphs five through eight confused me because there was no context, no character reference, and no precipitating event. It became too wordy, too esoteric, and had too many moving parts buzzing about. Finally, we see Louise, and we begin to see something through the fog, but is it worth continuing? Yes, I did, and it became more interesting though torturous to read, at times.

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When he's speaking with Nita, he continues the dialogue into a third paragraph, but it was confusing because you closed the quotes at '...full on.' Then, you began the next paragraph, and it wasn't until I caught the reference to 'my', that I suspected Donald was still speaking. Without a dialogue tag, it's hard to follow the speaker when every block of dialogue text is closed. The rule is don't close the quotes if the same speaker is speaking in the following paragraph.

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Unlike many stories on this site, you wrote your own story, avoided the formulaic cliche writing, and stayed away from the distracting backstory. Kudos, there! I liked the story, but parts seemed rigid and too detailed, almost like a step-by-step retelling. Some of it was overwritten and suffered. This is easy to recognize because I also tend to overwrite. I have an aggressive editor and a couple of beta readers who reel me in. Some of my earlier, self-edited work suffers from insufferability! 4/5.

I have quite liked previous stories, and while the writing can get a bit roundabout, I can suss out most of the story. Exceptions include the purpose of the opening phone conversation in "The Dinner Party", which can be determined, eventually, but it completely fails the principles of Chekov's Gun and is unneeded.

This one has my noggin' joggin'. I really can't understand the epilogue, as it completely fails the MC's requirements laid out, clearly, as the story ended. He's still a part-time parent, the families are indeed all involved and thus distancing him from his own kids, his cheating wife hasn't made him number one in her life et cetera, et cetera. It seems like all his fears came true, with the only difference that the lesbians were outed and Nita/2nd family were also brought in. I've done hand waving, and this conclusion seems cut from a cloth I've tailored in the past. And then, lines like:

***

>Cheating wife: 'You can have 100% of a small pie. That's our marriage. As soon as Nita and Briony were involved, the maths changed.

***

had me howling. *Lesbian lover was ALWAYS in the small pie, eating MC's share without him knowing it*. That's terrible math, even for a school teacher.

***

So, for me the whole epilogue does a real injustice to the carefully laid out ending, which took pages and pages (and pages) to get to, 98% of which was *extremely* predictable. And judging by other stories, the author is not afraid to bring the curtain down on a down-note. So why give back so much after working so hard to bring it to the end? Not my story but it's a puzzler.

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And then there's Nita, the magical brown savior. Why bother with the cheating wife when Nita

* runs the company better than MC

* talks smack like a truck driver

* gets along with every woman in the story without a trace of cat claws ever

* fucks like the whorehouse madam and

* is wise like Yoda?

How can Louise compare? Again, hand-waving to say MBS needed her 'me' time, but much bigger obstacles were overcome in this story. Or not...

***

Come on, self-inserts aside, this was laid on waaaaaaaay too thick. We get it, Nita was enough to lure the faithful man into her bed. Personally, living and working for decades in an area with a huge SE Asian population, I've never once seen any Indian woman have interactions even with calling a man a diminutive of a name, like "Bob" instead of "Robert". But here, the constant nicknames was just cringeworthy, and honestly distracting in an attempt to humanize the home-wrecking Nita.

***

Still better than many offerings, but I doubt I'll return to this one for re-read like I do "The Dinner Party".

This was as straight forward as a bowl of spaghetti. Enjoyable read inspite of some minor plot holes.

I thought it was an interesting storyline for 8 or 9 pages, then everything changed and ended with 1&1/2 pages of rushed ending.

It's your story, so you get to decide, but I thought you gave up and tried for 'happy ever agter' without tge same detail to the resolution that was all through the rest of the story.

That being said, I still gave it 5 stars in recognition of a great story that just missed an ending to match.

James needs to have a listen to the warning about castles that Jimi sent out of the long ago: "And so castles made of sand Fall in the sea eventually". (Jimi Hendrix 1967)

I always found it difficult enough to be married/cohabiting with one female, much le4ss!

much less 3!