Catching Feelings Ch. 05

Jeremy also went to get a full STD panel done at Planned Parenthood, wanting to make sure that Jasper hadn't left anything bad or permanent behind. Jimmy decided that he would go with him and get tested as well. It was a good idea for both of them, and they could decide once they got their results whether or not they wanted to start to forgo condoms with each other. Jeremy was incredibly relieved when the test for himself came back completely negative. He didn't let anyone see him, but he cried hard when they got the results for him.

Jimmy came back negative as well, though he was far less worried about it as condoms had always been a must when he'd had sex with women.

Jeremy's therapist decided that they should see each other twice a week until they could get his symptoms better under control, so he went every Tuesday and Thursday to see her. Every time he went to see her, Jeremy would come back completely wiped out and usually with red eyes from crying. Most of the time he would have Jimmy climb into bed with him, usually in only their boxers, and let Jimmy hold him tightly from behind while he took a nap to recharge before he felt ready to deal with life again.

"You put an awful lot of guilt on your own shoulders," Zoe, his therapist, said in the second week they were seeing each other.

"It's hard not to," Jeremy replied as he stared at the little sand zen garden she had on the table between them. "I've made a lot of really bad choices in my life, and they've led me to a lot of grief."

Zoe narrowed her eyes at that. "Ending up in an abusive relationship is rarely about making bad choices. It's more about abusive people preying on those they think are weak. You being open to love and loving with your whole being isn't a weakness, but they use it as one. So why do you think it's your fault?"

Jeremy was quiet for a moment, considering the question before finally letting out a sigh. "When everything blew up, and the papers were having a field day, my dad told me that this is what I get 'for being a faggot' as he threw one of the papers in my face. I've always been the one to take all the blame."

"This happens to straight people too, though," Zoe pointed out. "So what did they do wrong to deserve it?"

Jeremy shook his head at that, at a loss as to what to say. He thought back to Chloe's last actual relationship before she met Wayne, and how by the end Max was treating her so badly. He couldn't fault Chloe for how things went down though. She had tried her best to be a good girlfriend, and she was the one who was hurt in the end. So finally, he said, "Nothing."

"So why is it yours?" she asked him.

That one tripped him up. He sat for a while in the seat he was in on the couch, playing with the zipper of the hoodie he was wearing. She left him with that thought for the day and told him she would see him on Thursday before sending him on his way back home. He came into the apartment to see Jimmy, Wayne, Chloe, and Ethan while they did homework, though all of them went quiet when they saw him come in. He knew it was because his eyes were red again, and he wanted to just disappear for a while to forget that people were looking at him with sympathy, but instead he went over and pulled up a chair next to Jimmy so he could rest his head on his shoulder for a bit.

Jimmy tried to be as comforting as he could while letting Jeremy do what he needed to do at his own pace. He was anxious that Jeremy would decide he wanted to move on from this relationship as a result of his therapy, but he knew those fears were likely unfounded. It was just his insecurities making him scared that Jeremy would want to distance himself from everything that reminded him of what had happened to him.

Jeremy was dealing with similar fears about Jimmy wanting to leave, as he couldn't see how anyone could be happy with a partner who was dealing with such serious mental health problems, on top of knowing exactly what Jeremy had done at the charity event with Jasper. His therapist had told him that the worst of what Jimmy was feeling was probably helplessness, and it would be important for them to keep talking about it, though he hadn't brought it up yet.

Jeremy's phone vibrated in his pocket and he pulled it out to see it was from the lawyer in Ohio. He quickly answered it while the others pretended they weren't listening in to his side of the conversation.

"They did?" Jeremy asked, and they weren't able to hear the lawyer's answer. "What does that mean for the New York part? Oh, okay. Yeah, I'll check in with him. I think Ryder said he was having his colleague lead the case, but they were working closely with the DA. Okay, thanks again. Bye."

"Well don't keep us in suspense," Ethan said once he was off the phone.

"The prosecutor is dropping the charges against me here," Jeremy told them.

Jimmy hugged him happily before realizing what he had done and stopping apologetically. "That's great news! I'll be so happy when we can put all this behind us," he said.

"Me too," Jeremy agreed, pulling Jimmy back to him so his back was against Jeremy's chest. "But now we have to deal with the case in New York. Ryder basically told me he won't allow me to drop the charges, no matter what. In fact, his colleague, Wren Campbell, just submitted paperwork for a protection order against Jasper for me, and he told me he was thinking of extending it to the entire family if they keep emailing and texting me like they have been."

"About time those assholes got some consequences," Ethan grumbled. "They've been texting me and Chloe too. I bet the only reason they haven't texted Jimmy and Wayne is because they can't find their numbers."

Jimmy shrugged, "We've always used burner phones and phone cards because it's cheapest."

"We've never had to worry about that before," Ethan admitted sheepishly. "It does make it easier to get a hold of us though. So maybe this has worked to your advantage this time."

"In better news," Jeremy said, wanting to forget for a moment that the Montgomery family was making all of their lives hell. "The doctor cleared me to start playing soccer again, so I should be able to start playing games now. I've already missed a few."

"Yeah, the team is missing you, too. Their scores have been down lately," Jimmy said helpfully.

"I'm glad I can go back," Jeremy replied. "The team sent a get well card, which was sweet of them." He grabbed the card to show to them where they all picked out a funny get well card and signed it saying they hoped he would get to play soon. He had been working hard at practices before the attack happened, so everyone was upset he'd had to have surgery. The doctor wanted him to go easy but he could start playing again.

Everyone on the team wanted to see his incisions when he came back for practice, and he was willing to oblige them. They were healing well and he was feeling much better than he had been. He managed to play in the next game, though the coach didn't have him in the entire game. Jeremy was a great player, even recovering from an injury. On the field seemed to be one of the few places that Jeremy was confident and in no way awkward or questioning of himself; similar to how he was in the water. Jimmy had finally gotten the chance to see Jeremy in the water, and Ethan had been right that he looked like he belonged there. Those muscles moved so beautifully as he sliced through the water like it was part of him, like a siren of the sea coming back to his home.

There were reporters watching the game, taking photos of Jeremy as he was playing. It didn't take them long to come and harass Jimmy and the others. They had known since the charity event that Jeremy was dating Jimmy, and Jimmy had found his own face in papers, along with Wayne's in photos where he was walking with Chloe, and a photo of Chloe kissing him at the event. Jeremy had already told the reporters to leave Jimmy alone, but he could only put so much pressure on them to do so.

Jimmy offered them nothing more than the standard "No comment," that his friends had warned him would be his best defense against their ilk. Ethan wasn't near as politic as Jimmy, because he eventually told one of the reporters to fuck off elsewhere as they were trying to support Jeremy in his first game after almost being murdered.

"Ethan," Chloe said as she hit him on the chest.

The reporter scowled at Ethan before he went back to taking photos of the game. Jeremy had stepped off to one side of the field as they had a small time out, pulling his jersey up to wipe the sweat off his face, which gave a good view of the healing bruises and incisions. Jimmy didn't like seeing the bruises and incisions, because he knew how and why they had gotten there, but he forced himself to look anyway. It helped that Jeremy had a nice body.

They ended up winning their game, and all Jeremy said to the reporters was that he was glad to be able to help his team again and left it at that before coming over to his friends. He gave Jimmy a fairly chaste kiss, which was of course caught on camera, before Ethan told him to hit the showers because he reeked.

The next week, Jeremy's therapist gave him the option to bring Jimmy with him for a session, as everything that had happened must have been hard on him as well, and she wanted to make sure that they were talking like they needed to. She knew Jeremy wasn't talking much about what they spoke of in sessions, but she thought it would do him some good to actually say it out loud to someone that wasn't her.

"You have a tendency to shut down into yourself it seems," she had pointed out to him.

He knew she was right too, because he couldn't argue with her about it. So on Thursday, he sat down at the dining room table where Jimmy had been reading one of his textbooks. Jeremy looked a little nervous as he chewed on his lower lip, like he was trying to think of what to say.

"So, Zoe thinks I should bring you to a session," Jeremy finally said.

Jimmy put his textbook down, looking at Jeremy solemnly, "This isn't one of those 'prove you're gay by kissing someone' things, is it?"

Jeremy chuckled at that. "No, nothing like that. She mostly wants to see how you're handling everything, and make me open up more rather than just kind of...shutting down."

"I would be glad to go with you," Jimmy said, squeezing Jeremy's hand.

Jeremy pulled Jimmy into a kiss that was sweet and loving. "Thank you, love."

Zoe welcomed them warmly when they came in that afternoon and motioned to the couch before shutting her door and coming to sit across from them, pen and clipboard in hand. "It's nice to meet you, Jimmy. Jeremy has mentioned you a lot."

"I am not even half the troublemaker he makes me out to be," Jimmy joked, uncomfortable in this new environment.

Zoe smiled at that. "Actually, he talks about how supportive you've been through all of this. How are you holding up? It must have been scary to have Jeremy so sick."

"It is scary, I guess. I try not to think about me so much. I worry about Jeremy a lot, though. I couldn't imagine my life without him and it terrified me that he might not have made it," Jimmy answered.

"Well, your emotions matter as well. You can't help Jeremy and be there for him if you're barely hanging on yourself," Zoe pointed out. "Do you have people you've been talking to in order to relieve some of the stress of everything?"

"Just Chloe and Ethan. Wayne too, though he's been kinda busy with Pro-ball scouts and the like," Jimmy said in response.

"I'm glad you have people at least," she replied and then looked at Jeremy. "So, do you want to tell him what we've been talking about?"

Jeremy let out a sigh as he resituated himself in his seat so he was slouching back into the cushions of the couch. "We've been talking about my general tendency to blame myself for the bad things that have happened, especially this most recent situation."

Jimmy blinked at that, unsure what to say. "That was all on Jasper, though! Not you."

Jeremy nodded his head slowly. "Right, but I was the one who gave him a chance despite my own misgivings. He had kind of chased after me for a few months, wanting to start something discreet. If I had just stuck to my no as opposed to giving in, then none of this would have happened. So it was my own doing, really."

Jimmy squirmed, uncomfortable with this line of thought. "Jeremy, listen, while taking responsibility for your part in things is commendable, you also could not have predicted that he was the way he was or would treat you and your loved ones the way he has. That is all on him. While you maybe could have nipped it all in the bud by not giving into his initial advances, he is a predator, and this sort of thing is what they do to people with hearts like yours. That's not a failing on your part at all. In fact, it's very much why I love you."

"It has to be hard to love someone as screwed up and broken as me, though," Jeremy said quietly.

"Not even a little bit, honestly. You're very easy to love. I just wish you could see yourself the way I see you," Jimmy said firmly.

"My dad told me that what happened with the papers was my punishment for being a fag," Jeremy admitted, looking down at the ground.

"I prefer to think it's his punishment for being a bigot, honestly." Jimmy said quietly.

That made Jeremy chuckle a little. "I think Ethan said something similar at one point, but it can be hard to look past the things he said. He blamed me for the whole thing, and so maybe it's just become easy to blame myself for everything that happens."

"Well, I'll give you some really good advice I got from a show my parents liked to watch when I was a kid: Stop it." Jimmy said.

Jeremy looked at Zoe and she smiled. "It might be oversimplifying it, but he's not wrong. You have to find a way to remind yourself when you're blaming yourself for all of this that it isn't your fault. You can accept the things you did wrong in situations without taking on the majority of the blame. If someone attacks you, even if you did something to anger them, it doesn't make you responsible."

"Unless it's me, cause I'm a saint so that shit is all on you," Jimmy joked, winking, and Jeremy gave him a smile.

"Does your boyfriend know about last summer?" she asked Jeremy.

Jeremy shook his head. "No, I haven't told him. I kind of figured that it was in the past so it didn't matter."

"Considering you're still dealing with those types of intrusive thoughts, maybe it's not so in the past as you are hoping," Zoe pointed out. "Besides, letting people into your life by letting them know what you have gone through isn't burdening them."

Jeremy leaned his head back. "Stop reading my mind."

"That's part of my job, didn't you know?" Zoe said with a smile.

"I spent a week and a half in a psych ward in New York after I took all of the pills that I could in the house to kill myself," Jeremy said after a pause. "I'm only alive because Ryder found me and called 911."

Jimmy clearly wanted to hold Jeremy, but he held himself in place through sheer force of will. Jeremy was less worried about that than Jimmy was, moving on the couch so he could put his head on Jimmy's shoulder like he usually did after a session. Jimmy wrapped his arms around his love and just held him. "I'm so sorry you went through that," he murmured quietly.

"It was after everything first came out, and dad told me it was basically my fault," Jeremy told them both. "I just kept thinking about how I was such a screw up, and I couldn't fix myself to be straight, so maybe the next best thing I could do was to just die, so I tried. Ryder was the only family member who ever visited when I was in the hospital, as they wouldn't let Chloe and Ethan in. They pumped my stomach, kept me in the ICU for a little under a week and then transferred me out."

"Are you glad that he found you in time?" Zoe asked him.

Jeremy turned his head enough that he could see her but kept it on Jimmy's shoulder. It took him a moment of thought before he nodded. "Most of the time, yeah. There's sometimes, when it seems particularly dark, like when Jasper made Jimmy think I cheated on him, and when I was in the hospital right after the surgery, that the thoughts cropped back up, but I also know I never would have met Jimmy if he hadn't saved me, and I'll admit that it kind of feels like...I don't know, that we were supposed to meet?"

Jimmy squeezed him tighter for a moment to acknowledge the validity of his feelings. Zoe explained to Jeremy that her biggest homework for the next coming weeks was for him to start opening up outside of therapy, to the people that were important to him, especially Jimmy. He needed to talk about what he was dealing with if he was going to get through it.

She also told him that he might think about confronting his family about his feelings over everything that happened, and she was willing to be a mediator if he needed her to be. Jeremy would have to go back to New York for the court stuff anyway, so it gave him an opening for such a thing. He told her he would consider it but didn't confirm if he would either way yet.

Jimmy waited to say anything more until they were on their way home, "I caught how ambiguous you were about that. I get not wanting to promise anything, but you do have to confront them eventually, or risk needing to cut them out of your life."

That got a sigh from Jeremy. "I guess I just have a hard time seeing what good it will do. I don't imagine my parents are ever going to change, but if you think I should then I suppose I could at least try. It's scary though."

"I know, but unless you give them the opportunity to change, how will you ever know if it would have been worth the effort?" Jimmy asked.

"You're right," Jeremy conceded that point. "I need to at least try. Will you at least be there?"

"Anything for you," Jimmy said, and he meant it with his whole heart.

Jeremy smiled at that and stopped just a little ways from the apartment, pulling Jimmy into a heated kiss that he put all of his emotions into. Jimmy gladly kissed him back. He felt like he'd been tamping down his emotions for so long that he had feared he wouldn't be able to show Jeremy passion again but he was pleasantly surprised to find the old feelings flooding back as Jeremy deepened the kiss.

Jeremy broke the kiss long enough to take Jimmy's hand and lead them back to the apartment building, where he pushed Jimmy up against the wall of the elevator while they waited for it to reach his floor to kiss him again. They stopped when they got to the right floor and Jeremy unlocked the apartment, letting them both inside before shutting and locking the door behind them.

Jimmy let Jeremy take the lead, enjoying his desire as they littered clothes throughout the apartment on the way to the bed. Jeremy was a little shy about taking off his shirt. The bruises were much more faded but it would take a while for the incisions to lighten up from the deeper red color they were. He hesitated slightly at the bedroom door before he pulled his shirt off. It had been a big worry for him that the scars would be a turn off to his love.

"Are you okay, to..." Jimmy motioned toward the bed, indicating sexy times.

"Yeah," Jeremy said with a nod, moving toward Jimmy until they were only inches apart. "It feels a lot better. Just don't put all of your weight on them and we'll be fine." Jimmy leaned toward him slightly, then tripped him onto the bed and pulled his boxers off, enjoying the sight of his hard cock springing free.

A sigh escaped Jeremy's lips as he was freed from the confines of his boxers and looked at Jimmy with a lustful look, moving back on the bed to give him room to join him. Jimmy flopped down on his belly, nearly poking himself in the eye with his lover's most prominent feature. He laughed and caught it in his hand, giving it a few pumps before closing his lips around the tip. Jeremy let out a low moan, having missed this intimacy since the second ER visit. He let his head fall back as he enjoyed the hot, wet heat of Jimmy's mouth around him.