Change of Life Ch. 15

She stopped and just looked at me like she was trying to gage my reaction. I said, "Can I ask you something?"

She said, "Please wait until I am done. Please."

I said, "OK?"

Shirl then told me, "Let me see if you can understand this. You see I love your tongue but I love Mandy's too, just as much. God help me. I love your body on me and I love your cock inside me. It has always given me much more than I ever needed until now. And I was only thinking of you and your love as we did it all those years, up until a few months ago. To be honest Bud, now, I also think about Billy and Jerome and his brother Lee as we fuck, or make love. And now I wonder what it would be like with them fucking me. They would never be able to make love to me Bud. And I will never give my love to anyone but you. They could take my body but not my love. That's for you and you alone. Because you are the only one who has and will ever be my true love. But when I lay there in our bed some nights thinking about being fucked, I now think of them more not you. And Bud, I'm sorry, I wonder how they will feel in me and how I will feel as they fuck me. And this feeling is overwhelming to me right now. I can't control it. I will not sit here and tell you I won't stray again because I can't. The time I spent with Bill was so unbelievable I don't have the words to explain it! I'm so very sorry you found out and saw me. I never wanted this craving I have to hurt you like it did. It's like a drug and I can't control it."

I sat there with tears building up now. I knew I had most likely lost my wife for good and I was sad as I had ever been and mad as I had every been too! I was afraid I going to kill someone or all of them soon. The feelings I had scared me to death they were so strong, like Shirl's need now to experiment with other men.

Shirl said, "Do you want to take a break and stop?"

I said, "No finish what you have to say to me."

She sat back and tried to take my hand. I wouldn't give it to her. She folded her arms around her and held herself as she continued, "While I know the sex won't be the same since I don't love them at all, it will be different. It was different with Bill but Bud it was just fucking. You know that now I hope. And the sex I will have with Jerome and Lee will be just fucking too. In fact if you want you can be there. I mean I don't want to make you a cuckold like Mandy has done with Paul, but if you want to you can watch. I only want to see what I have missed that's all. I don't know if I can say I'll stop with Jerome and Lee. I can't say I won't do it again and cheat on you. Even if you don't agree and tell me it's OK, I may do it behind your back at some later date. But what I am asking for, no begging for is that you stay with me."

I looked at her like she was insane. I almost laughed if it wasn't so sad. Then she gave me the end of her speech. Shirl did take my hand this time and held it to her as she bent forward and said, "I love you. I hope you believe that if you don't believe anything else I said today. I am asking you if you can you stay with me for a little while and give me some freedom some latitude to explore my new sexual feelings? I know it will be hard and it will most likely push our relationship and our marriage to the limit. But we are strong, Bud. And I hope we love each other enough that we can get past this problem. I just need time. Time to explore what I'm feeling and want to feel. I have to satisfy my sexual needs and appetite. I love you so much, but Bud, I can't just fuck you and resolve all the questions and wonderment and needs I have. I just can't! I have tried that and it didn't work in fact my questions grew as a result of doing different things with you over the years. I have to try it with someone else, someone different, maybe a couple of people, men and even another women besides Mandy. I have to do it over a period of time."

I sat there and the tears flowed now, I couldn't help it. My heart was broke in pieces and there was nothing I could do or say that would stop her. I knew my love and marriage life was over. What would I do? Where would I go? And, all I felt now was tremendous sadness and loneliness!

She continued to tell me she love me. But I was in sort of a fog now. I heard her but didn't!

Finally she said, "Bud! Bud are you listening?"

I shook my head and said, "I need some water, no make that Vodka."

She got me some and I took a big gulp. Then Shirl asked again if I was listening. I told her I was.

She then said, "OK. You know I will always love you and if it were you that need this, I think I could handle it. I mean if you never had another woman and wanted to see what it would be like, I would support you. I don't want you to think you can't fuck Mandy or whoever you want too while I fuck someone else. OH fuck Bud! I'm sorry I don't mean to hurt you so much."

She saw the tears running down my face and she started to cry as well. She took a drink of my vodka and then said, "So Bud, here's what I would like to propose to you. It could save our marriage at the same time. It's what I want between us and to help us to get this over this. Bud, I don't want to hurt you. My God that's the last thing I want to do. But I have to think of myself and my mental stability too here."

I said, "Finish it Shirl! Tell me what you wanted before I get up and walk out of your life completely."

She hung her head and said, "I think we should have an open marriage."

Then she looked up into my eyes and said, "I mean open for say 2 maybe 3 months. I'll be with you most of the time and you'll be with me. We can share our feelings and tell each other what we did when we were with someone else. We would share everything Bud. Everything! There would be no more cheating or sneaking around. It would all be out in the open between us. After an agreed upon time frame we could then talk about ending this open marriage life style and go back to being a normal everyday married couple if we wanted. Who knows you might enjoy having a woman other than me every once in awhile. Two months Bud, that's all I'm asking of you, two months. That should be enough time for me to satisfy my cravings, my needs and sow my wild oats that I didn't get to do before I married you. We could then maybe even work on having a baby if you want to afterwards. If that's what you wanted. I know this is a shock and what you weren't expecting but that's how I feel right now. You don't have to make a decision right now. Please take your time and think about this Bud. I will be happy to answer any questions you may have on how I see this working. That is, if I know the answers. Tell me you will give it a chance, give us a chance to stay together and then give me your approval. Please Bud! Please."

I said, "Well right now I am thinking of about 100 ways to kill Mandy and you. But again Shirl, what choice do I have here. If I say no to you you'll either do it anyway, at least that's seems to be what I am hearing from you. And if you do, our marriage will be gone and I'll be alone without you. Hell it might be over now! Either way I loose you to someone else. What can I do Shirl what can I do?"

She was the one crying now but I was numb. I drank the last of the vodka and got another glass. I made my second drink and walked into the bathroom and threw my guts as my wife came to me and held my head. She gave me a cold washrag to put on it on my neck. When I was sure I had finished I walked into the bedroom and lay down.

As she sat on the edge of the bed I said, "This is Mandy's idea. She has convinced you that you need to experiment along with her. She had made a whore of you and now you want me to stay and support you as you throw it up into my face just like she does to Paul."

She said, "No Bud. It was my idea not hers. And I won't throw it in your face. You'll have to know I'll be going out and I will never bring a man or woman home to our bed unless you want me too. It will be respectful Bud. I mean you will know of course when I don't come home that night but I will humiliate you or push you into being a wimp like Paul. I would never do anything like that to you."

I said, "And if I walk one night while you're fucking some guy, what then?"

She shivered when I said that. She replied, "I don't know. Well then our marriage will be truly over. I hope you will at least tell me before you leave and not just let me come home and find you gone."

I said, "What if I throw you out? I mean you're the whore here or soon will be. What if I let you leave one night to stay with your lover and then have the locks all changed and you find all of your clothes and other belongings on the lawn? And when you come home I tell you that you don't live here any more and hand you your walking papers?"

She looked at me and said, "I don't know the answer to that one either Bud, I'm sorry. I guess I would call the man I was with and ask him if I could spend a few days with him until we could talk. If you didn't want to talk, then again, I guess our marriage would be over. But Bud, that's what I don't want to happen. I want you to try and accept the open marriage life style for just a little while. Hell I mean we could even become swingers and you may actually love it after a while."

I said, "Well Shirl I have to tell you it's a very evil and nasty world out there, I mean there are things you might not like to hear or think about but you should."

She said, "Like what Bud?"

I said, "Well like what type of protection will you be using. You are planning to use protection aren't you? I sure as hell don't want you to come home fuck me and give me any disease you might bring home from some guy you fucked. I sure don't want AIDS or anything else for that matter. And what if you're with some guy an you think he's going to take you back to his place and give you the fucking of your life and he wines up beating the shit out of you. Hell you might even get killed. I mean don't think it won't or couldn't happen. What do I tell everyone? My wife was out fucking some guy and she didn't realize what a evil fucking world this really was?"

She said, "I don't know Bud I will be as careful as I can and try to make sure the man has a condom on. But you know that in the heat of passion we tend to forget about safety. And I won't go with anyone I'm not 100% sure of, so I don't think I'll get beaten. Actually that's why I wouldn't care if you were with me."

I said, "Well I'm not sure I can do that babe. I mean what if I loose it and beat you both to death or shoot both of you a few times as you're locked together in an orgasm. You know I could have done that tonight and there's not a jury in this world that would have convicted me when I tell them I just went nuts finding my wife with some other guy sucking and fucking him in a motel room.

She said, "Well the thing is Bud I have to do this for myself. I have to see what it's like with different people even if there is evil and nasty people out there. That alone won't change my mind Bud. Please think about this. Anything else you want to talk about?"

I said, "Yes, but we have been over this already." I rolled over and faced away from her. She put her hand on my shoulder and I shook it off. I stood up and left. Driving around not knowing where I was going I finally parked my car and realized I was almost out of the state. I at in a rest stop on US 95 and started to think.