All Comments on 'Chapter 01: Tablespoon of Cream'

First story!

4

Couldn't follow who was whom for the girls.

It’s well written, a fun to read hot little encounter. I couldn’t figure out where the story is headed. He failed to ask Lucile why she thinks Ramona is cheating. Also, I’m left wondering why he stays married to Ramona. I mean, she treats him poorly and he isn’t responsible for supporting Luna. He makes money. Why not get out?

Love it, more please

5/5 Very nice first story but you need to FTDS!

Proofreading? You should decide about her name before continuing!

"pulling her tee shirt taught" - "Taut", meaning tight.

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"perky little bra-less chest and tits" - I never knew that a chest could be perky! Why not just say, "perky little bra-less tits?"

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"Hi mister Alex." - Salutations should be separated with a comma, and titles should be capitalized. e.g. "Hi, Mister Alex."

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"F-inist?"

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You should decide if she's Lucile or Celia. It was easy enough to figure out the first time, but why the constant switching back and forth?

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"chast" -CHASTE

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Rico Suave is a name, it's not hyphenated.

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"So, I bet that you make way more than my dad." - What's that got to do with anything?

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"Hola senior Alex" - Again, comma after salutation, title capitalized. "Hola, Senior Alex,"

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"she started showing this man-hater attitude." - She doesn't seem to hate Rico!

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"I could not see panty or bra lines on either garment!" - It was already stated that she was braless.

Good morning all,

I'm getting this comment a lot about Celia's name. It is Lucile ‘Celia’ Ann.

Hispanics seem to shorten everyone's name or trade only in nicknames. Poula becomes Pou, and the fat friend becomes 'Flaca' (Skinny) stuff like that.

Hope that helps.

@BoydPercy Thank you for your time reading.

It's just my first story published here. I've been publishing SciFi & Fantasy since 2011.

Sorry about that @t8ntlikly, :/

Confusing people is not my intent. Stylistically, I story tell through dialogue. Lucile 'Celia' Ann is the neighbor girl. Her best friend is Luna, daughter to Ramona.

Thank you for the excellent comment @WhoGivesAShit!

You are 100% on target!

Because I strory tell through dialogue, I will rarely come out and say something like that in exposition paragraph. I need to express frustration and situations through interactions with characters and the world. You are seeing EXACTLY what Celia has picked up on and is prompting her to make her move.

Please keep reading, I hope those questions are answered in the next few chapters.

Thank you @kmeyer2005,

Wish was granted and we should be up to chapter five as of this morning. I'll publish the final chapter this afternoon.

Hey @muskyboy,

I had to look up FTDS, because it's not an acronym I use, and the closest I can come up is 'fuck the dumb shit'. So answering under that defintion.

Thank you for the awesome rating! :) The dumb shit, lies and manipulation are needed in the fog-of-war introducing new characters in a new running story. exposition paragraphs irritate me stylistically, so I story tell through dialogue as much as possible.

And for our Anons,

Yeah, Grammarly is pretty good, but not perfect. Expecially when I'm writing slang and mixed languages. ANd sometimes I just type too damn fast, sorry :/

Her name is "Lucile ‘Celia’ Ann". It is a Hispanic thing switching between pet names & nicknames.

And for the rest, because these characters can be sarcastic jerks and they don't aways tell the truth. They talk their own way, vent their own frustrations through dialogue. And even suffer their own mental melt-downs eyeing hot young women.