Charlie and Bunny

Chapter 1

Lightly balding, wiry and muscular Charlie Tucker (43), looked under the short skirt of his work partner sitting opposite him, the beautiful slant-eyed Bunny Rivers.

"Beautiful thighs. Does your husband still appreciate your body?"

Bunny, 10 years younger that Charlie, who'd heard him make that same comment perhaps 30 times in the seven months they'd worked together as private investigators, gave her usual reply, "I wouldn't know, you scarcely give me time to get down to intimacies."

She knew her leader tended to act stupidly when bored, and bored they both were. Charlie had been called to Parliament Buildings as the Minister of Police wished to see Charlie in a private audience at 10 am.

It was now almost 11.00.

Charlie called, "Miss, another coffee for me and another iced water for my partner, please."

The receptionist behind the barrier at a desk in front of the Minister's office pretended not to hear him.

Charlie said curtly, "No coffee and I'll begin throwing chairs around."

"Do that and I'll have Security in here very quickly to deal with you, Sir."

"I enjoy a good fracas and my partner will stand aside me using her phone to film it, sending it live to my friend somewhere here where the media press corps are accommodated, probably beside a bar."

"She'll post her story on the Internet receiving world-wide attention, probably beginning 'Fracas in New Zealand Parliament, Wellington, Over Refusal to Serve Glass of Water' and top exposé journalist Gloria Everett will come racing up here to interview my distraught and probably pregnant partner..."

"Stop, STOP!" yelled the Private Secretary's staffer.

The door behind her burst open and Police Minister Jane Wash, with a flak jacket obviously hastily pulled on back to front, crouched in the doorway, bent low and with a high-calibre short-barrelled light machine gun held against her rib cage under her floppy right breast, ready to fire at anything that moved that looked dangerous.

The staffer called, "Stand down, Minister. The crisis failed to materialise. It was a... a misunderstanding."

"Yeah, in a stretch, that explanation sounds credible."

Jane pulled out her phone, pressed a key button and said, "Minister Wash speaking. Captain Scott, you and your team stand down. My little exercise tells me you lot were much late getting here. The medics probably would have got here before you did, which would have been appalling. But fortunately, I only sent the call to Security. Engage in more call-out exercises, Captain. Dismissed."

The Minister tossed the weapon to the highly distressed staffer who bent and placed it on the floor, trembling, as if she'd been handed a dead stoat.

Mrs Wash came over and hugged and kissed Charlie on the lips as if two ex-lovers were reuniting.

The staffer looked on aghast while Bunny looked on smiling. Women were always kissing Charlie as if they owned him.

"Omigod Bunny, you look even more gorgeous in the flesh than the pictures of you in newspapers and when I watch you two being lauded once again for brilliant case-solving on behalf of some wealthy industrialist or infamous brothel owner speaking with a plum in her mouth as if she were educated at University of Oxford College in England, and perhaps she was."

"Yes. Bunny is a gorgeous woman and even her husband thinks so."

"Bunny, Charlie may not have mentioned this but six year ago when I was a lowly back-bencher in Parliament, I engaged him to find my prick of a husband's cousin who was threatening to tell everyone on national TV a month before the General Election that I'd had naked sex with him on the lawn in front of Parliament and he had taken me up where, if described, would make most people vomit and that would have cost me my certain chance of being re-elected."

"That anal sex claim was absolutely a lie. But we did drunkenly have sex on the lawn amid another thirty or so other couples who were also having that daring experience that is only exceeded in popularity by gaining admission to the Mile-high Club by having sex in an aircraft up to seven miles above the ground."

"Professor Canute Berlin was attempting to gain peer notoriety by marring my niece, a second-year student 24 years his junior."

"I succeeded in getting a warrant for his arrest for allegedly attempting to blackmail me and asking for $75,000 in damages. The police failed to locate the deranged professor who had taken more than a liking to illegal drugs. I hired Charlie to have a shot of locating the prick fast before the media got wind of my predicament, and thus ruining my political career."

"Charlie found him within three hours shacked up with two university first-year female students in their flat five properties down from Canute's university-owned apartment building where he'd been living."

"Charlie knocked the professor unconscious and sent the two students off to their classes to catch up on missed lecturers. The professor regained consciousness and yelled he would have Charlie arrested and incarcerated with a cell full of gay men and that was exactly the wrong thing to threatened Charlie with."

The butt of Charlie's 9mm Beretta handgun knocked out four of the professor's front teeth that he swallowed whilst gagging.

During the next two days, after being purportedly brutally handed to confess where all information the professor intended using to blackmail me with, Charlie allowed the two frisky 18-year female students to use their strap-ons for hours on the exhausted professor, finally stopping the girls when their victim declared he would confess to 'anything and everything'."

"As a result of that, Charlie gained access to a bank deposit box where he departed with all the information Canute had gathered on me and destroyed it by by dropping the newspaper clips and obscene photographs and incriminating diary notes into a tree-limb pruning mulcher he spotted being used on his way home but kept the $120,000 stack of bank notes in UK, US and Hong Kong currencies."

"Charlie then disappeared for five days with Professor Berlin smiling semi-toothlessly and cooperatively, because Charlie had promised him another boost of drugs as soon as they arrived in Hong Kong for a two-day holiday."

"On the second day, Canute was encouraged by Charlie to cross the border into China where he would meet Madam Z who would exchange a year's supply of a variety of drugs in exchange for the suitcase he was carrying. You tell your associate what happened next, sweetheart."

Charlie said, "Custom officers didn't search Canute's bag, probably hoping it might be as bomb, whereas on the Chinese side inspection across the border of contents of the case created an uproar and panic and he was whisked away, taken care of by soldiers in an armoured vehicle with sirens at full blast."

Bunny said, "Omigod, so there was a bomb in the suitcase?"

Charlie scoffed and said he wasn't that stupid. It contained a collection of dresses because had was aware that the Chinese tended to panic when being confronted by surprises and they would immediately begin worrying why would the foreigner have packed all female clothing and no male clothes and why pack six bras all different sizes?

Further, why would the visitor be without a Visa and going to some place in the Republic they had never heard of called Wuhan. Under the bras, they found four bottles from Charlie's vet of treatment for his beloved Pomeranian."

Charlie grinned, "To confuse the Chinese customs officers further, I had re-labelled the bottles of human experimental anti-virus cures, believing that would excite them no end and they would suspect that the guy with no teeth from some unknown place called New Zealand was up to no good and needed to be interrogated by their HQ chiefs. In other words, Canute will be looked away for years, perhaps decades."

"Oh well done, Charlie," Bunny cooed. "And how well did Mrs Walsh rewarded you."

"I was expected unrestricted sex, but found that Jane was attempting to return to her vows of marriage and rewarded me with money by suggesting I retain the money left over from the wad that Canute had given me from his bank security deposit box, less of course what I spend on drugs for him, the cost of getting him and me to Hong Kong to begin his extended holiday and for giving the two university students five grand each to keep their mouths shut over their sexual involvement with Canute and their non-sexual involvement with me who they knew as Wesley West, a Police informant."

Jane said, "Well that's the story of me and your senior partner, Bunny. Of course, I shall always deny as preposterous any claim that I've ever had sexual relations with him simply because he's a sleaze and I'm a fine, upstanding citizen. Stay where you are, Bunny and you come through with me Charlie."

"Oh Bunny, what size are you breasts."

"More than adequate."

"But slump when not restrained?"

"Yes."

"Ah, same with me. This man of ours likes them hanging a little."

Ten minutes later, when clear of the building, Bunny asked, "What did that sly old bag want?"

"To hunt for her handbag that departed from her possession yesterday in the supermarket hear her home or in the supermarket carpark."

"Did she try to find it herself?"

"Yes, but failed."

"Then why being the Minister of Police doesn't she put 100 cops on the job of finding it?"

"Because the handbag contains confidential information including her ministerial warranting, house keys, etc."

"Don't hold out on me, Charlie, or else risk having your nuts kicked back into your belly."

"Also missing is a full anal sex kit."

Bunny crewed up her cute nose and said what's so private about that. At least a quarter of adult women including her don't have anal sex and that says a lot for the majority."

Charlie said dryly, "Her husband is one of the 10% of Wellington adult men who don't have anal sex."

"Ah, got it," Bunny chuckled. "The bitch won't want to be found out by her husband reading the Sunday newspapers about the contents of his wife's missing handbags mysteriously being handed to a newspaper reporter! Omigod, if the offender is caught the Minister will require you to accompany him or her to Hong Kong to be sent into China totally unprepared for what it about to come."

"Let's go," Charlie said."

As they sped to the supermarket to begin examining all clips from security cameras filming between 8.30-9.30 the previous morning, Bunny asked, "Does she still offer her butt to you Charlie?"

"No, absolutely not and I never have had anal with her. But she's the best woman at fellatio that I've ever encountered. Um, you have three months remaining of you probationary year remaining. Are you prepared to enter negotiations over sex?"

"Proceed."

"Bunny, we know that we are both robust individuals and both were trained to become police constables. You are married, no children, to a guy Stephen, who these days only fucks you with general indifference when you pester him sufficiently and it's always in missionary position without preliminaries just as it has been since he took your virginity when you were nineteen. Your husband is a university lecturer of note in Climate Change Science surrounded by more sexy female students and a bull would face when turned out into a paddock of heifers. Right?"

"Yes, and you give the impression you are hanging out for sex 27/7. You last heard from your runaway wife three years ago from Canada. You picked me up eight months ago drowning my sorrows in a bar while my husband was at home fucking the Lesley twins from next door under the pretext that he was helping them with their studies as first-year university students. You made me suck your dick but the smell of cheese and sweat made me puke and while I was coping with that you had your fat dick into me without my consent, you pig."

"Yes, and I somehow managed to spray your tits before you bucked me off after two minutes of sex that I'd rate as my worse ever apart from the female church warden that I nobbled after bible studies when I was eighteen."

"I bucked you off because you peed over me."

"Bull, it you'd tasted it you would have known it wasn't urine. But let's get on with it."

"Agree to swallow my cum regularly at the end of fellatio, and I'll deduct a month of your three months of probation."

"Another month will be deducted if we try anal."

"Combine both and agree they will be regular occurrences and I'll convert you into a permanent employee on three-year contract the day you on permanently on contract."

"That's an interesting proposal. I don't feel bullied over this, or completion of my probation is being hung over my head as a bribe. I'm surprised, however, that you didn't require me to undertake that I move my bum during sex, that we move into other positions from missionary including to you fucking me on your solid wood dining table and that I enjoy myself."

"I boldly predict that once you give yourself fully to me and I respond appropriately, our mutual affection will mushroom and you'll begin to practically worship my penis and spend parts of your waking day wondering is they any part of you that I haven't licked or fingered."

"The biggest unattended place will be your toes, but than will come after you begin practically worshipping my dick."

"Okay master, let's give it a go late this afternoon. You'll get the full package from me and I'll gleefully think of what my woefully sexually performing husband will be missing."

At the supermarket, Bunny said, "Let's get this over quickly."

Charlie replied that would be unlikely and Bunny said the usual thing that women say when in a situation like this one, that she knew women.

He signed and introduced themselves to the floor supervisor and after showing his Police ID as a registered private investigator, the supervisor Ted Toms confirmed he was on duty the previous day and he was called to attend the customer who'd returned from the carpark to complain her handbag was missing.

"Tom, I'll had you over to my partner to ask leading questions."

"Christ, Bunny, you're a great looker."

"Did you steal the handbag, Tom?"

"What, what the fuck? No, of course not."

"I believe you Tom. Now we are on the same wave-length, I feel I can ask this delicate question."

"Tom, who do you suspect stole the handbag."

"Jill but I'll sue if you tell her..."

"Stop dribbling Tom. Is she here now?"

"Yes, the skinny operator at checkout five."

Bunny thanked Tom for his confidential information and asked him to relieve Jill and introduce her to then in an interview room with no one else present. Jill of course might want someone she knew to support her, and that would be a sign she was guilty of something.

Tom took Bunny and Charlie to an interview room and called someone to his office and took her to relieve Jill.

Jill saw the two suited people she was about to be introduced to and immediately said, "I want my lawyer."

Tom reached for his mobile phone as Bunny said, "Has the handbag left this building, Jill?"

"No."

"Do you have a lawyer?"

"Not yet?"

"Listen carefully Jill, and you too Tom. "Are you aware of the contents of the bag?"

"I read the ID of the person's handbag it was and... oh, Jesus Christ, I reacted."

"Meaning that you panicked?"

"Hell yes. I put the bag under my counter top and waited for the woman to come in to claim it but I was being relieved before that happened. I grabbed it and put it in my locker and I have been trembling ever since."

"You panicked and thought what the fuck if you were accused of stealing the bag, that you had no intention of stealing, and have said nothing to anyone about the incident?"

"Yes, that absolutely explains what I felt. I just didn't know what to do."

"Okay Jill, go with Tom to your locker and tom take a shopping bag with you Tom and return here with the handbag inside accompanied by Jill. We will stay here, having no desire to draw unwanted attention from anyone."

"What if Jill decides to make a run for it?"

"She won't Tom as Jill knows I'm getting her out of this mess as one woman helping another woman in a sticky situation that really is not of her making. Right, Jill?"

"Oh god, absolutely."

They went off and Charlie said, "Your handling of this is incredibly smart."

"Thanks Charlie. How much cash in big notes do you have in your wallet?

He checked and told Bunny and she nodded.

Jill and Tom returned and Tom pulled out the handbag and Bunny opened it and saw the owner's ID on a ring screwed through into the metal top opening of the bag. She saw two chocolate bars and two packs of low-level pain killers and under the anal kit in plain brown paper with no marketing info attached was a huge anal plug and a wicked-looking double pronged vibrator.

"Omigod, Minister," Bunny quavered, making no further assumptions.

"Everything appears to be here and untouched, boss," she said to Charlie.

"Right," Charlie said. "Jill, here's the 400 bucks the owner of the handbag gave me to hand to the finder if we found the contents untouched. Please keep all details to yourself."

"Tom, please keep details of today's enquiry to yourself. Bunny and I have discussed this and are confident Jill acted as she did out of panic when finding the owner of the handbag was a VIP. We want her to keep her job and perhaps if she doesn't Jill and I will press supermarket management to fire you for incompetency for not conducting a thorough investigation yourself. Okay?"

"Um yes," Tom said, now fearful of being lumped in a role much more serious than he had imagined. "Nothing further shall be logged about the handbag incident and Jill will keep her job."

Jill, ignoring Charlie, hugged Bunny and thanked her profusely.

Back in Charlie's ex-Army vehicle, with heavy duty bull-bars front and rear and side-strengthening to withstand attempted side ramming from anything less than a 5-tonne truck, as they rumbled out of the carpark, Jill cooed, "Straight to your apartment, darling. We'll have 5-hours for you to lick me into a sexual frenzy for me to display all the sexual capabilities I've long thought I should have and thus far completely untapped."

Charlie complained he felt like having a beer and burger lunch first but was told he could phone for a home-delivered lunch when they had their first rest to recharge. She had no complaints if they took a bottle of Scotch with them to bed with a thermal insulated bag of ice-cubes.

"Ice-cubes surely can't play a role in sex activity," said his sexually naive sidekick.

Charlie just grinned, licking his lips. He looked forward to the grooming of Bunny. He expected she would eventually ask if she could move in with him."

The End