All Comments on 'Cheaters Never Win Ch. 01'

There is way too much explanation of things that require no explanation. It took half a page to describe the guy's reaction to the news of his wife's cheating. The story almost seems void of emotion, even as the guy tells us that he is suffering tremendously. That is not easy to do.

HDK covered his points pretty well and beat me to them so I'll just point out what I see as a major error. On page 2 you throw out an off hand comment about the wife being a realtor which causes late hours and an unusual work schedule. Then you spend most of the third page referring to her work as a lab technician. It doesn't do much for the continuity of the story.

3 pages of BLAH, seriously? it was boring

I really hope this slow moving story gets better!

The mundane details overwhelm the story. I actually could not finish the story. You write well but I honest believe in this case you tried too hard. Tone it down.

I found myself skipping over most of the details. Cut back on the detail and put more substance. The amount of space required to write this could have been two chapters.

You are a good writer and looking forward to next chapter

I like a little suspense and tension, but this story includes too much of mundane details (who cares, whether he takes his coffee black at the PI office or none at all?). So I suggest to skip things like that in future chapters.

What took me a little off the hook was the confusion of names and professional background. Get an editor!

4*, waiting for the other chapters.

Someone else mentioned it too, 2/3 through the story, you screw up badly and it's annoying. First you say she's a realtor, then you say she works in the hospital? That whole section sounds like it was written by someone else.

I liked the beginning scenario when he first heard of his wife's infidelity, but there is too much descriptive detail.

I still like it and I'm looking forward to more....

Too much unnecessary information and moving too slowly. "Screw ups" already mentioned by other readers. Will wait to see, though, if it pans out as "OK."

I hope the husband in this story has some balls and does not respond like a limp dick candyass cuck.

The detail that the doctor's shared and the doctor and his wife shared was all too often stuff that both had long known. Some of it was important to the reader but should have been presented in other ways. I almost quit in disgust half way through page one. That said the story is interesting and I will look for chapter two.

if a bit slow. But, my patience was tried by the discussion of his wife's opinion of his sexual deficiency. My temperament would have required an explosion about half way through the first repetition on the wifey's part! Did she wait until he had take the vows before crunching his male vanity? If this music was played before the wedding then he missed a good reason for not showing up!

It's a bit of a mess. Others have mentioned Sherrie's changing professions. (BTW, having her be a lab tech is not a good idea; she would be able to guess why he was suggesting the blood tests, especially if, as you suggest, she suspected he knew she was cheating with her ex.). The bigger problem was the dialog. First, it's stilted and unlike how normal people, including people in Alabama, speak. And second, you throw in description that the author should be providing. People when they speak don't do that. They don't to, so having your characters do it makes them sound odd. And it's distracting to the reader.

Also, you're redundant. He wonders whether his son is his and the later he wonders if his son is his as if it's something he just thought of.

And you skipped over the meeting with the divorce lawyer which was at 1:00 pm while he picked up the report in early afternoon which presumably was after the meeting with the lawyer.

The story has potential and You obviously are able to provide useful medical detail — though the slam against the women's clinic doctor was more political than necessary — but you really need an editor.

your plot is good, your writing is good but please tell me where the erotic in this should be. I can't see anything erotic in the future besides somebody is necrophiliac. Crime and death is about the only thing that I can see.

please realize this is literotica and not the chronicles of forensics and I'm possitively sure if you take out my appendix succesfully but should have fixed my cruciate ligament rupture, your boss would be telling you : mission failed

I caught myself a half-dozen times clenching my teeth and thinking: "Get to the point!!!!!" This is like those old radio dramas where they sit at the dining room table every episode for six months, talking about looking for a possible hidden document behind a portrait over the living room fireplace. Quit talking about it and just do it!!!!!

You gave two of your characters the last names Sherbert and Seltzer? Really?? Why not Billy Ray Parfait? You write well enough that you really should avoid ridiculous names.

had to decipher it.

Still very interesting underlying story... Hooked as to what happens, next?

Thanks for sharing on Lit.

x

is to wordy. It takes you to long to tell the reader anything. You over desribe every item. You could cut out over 40% of this story and still tell us the same thing. I could not even finish the first page. you have to hold the readers attention. So for your writing style I give you 1 star.

Bad spelling, bad story telling. FIFTEEN Paragraphs going round and round before his BFF Bobby Started to tell our idiotic hero what he was going to say.

And Sammie's "biologic" father?????!!!!

I can not believe this is a real doctor writing, sorry dude you just gave the name of the educational institution you studied at a real bad name.

I read half a page, that's as far as I will go.

are you a real Doc?

If so, how did you do it with such a limited ability in writing English?

If you want to do any more writing then for goodness sake get a good proof-reader and a decent Editor.

And do what they tell you to do!

Good story but mistakes/wordiness slow it down. Find a good editor, you won't regret it.

Wordiness is putting it mildly. After all that bullshit, you never did tell a story. A story goes somewhere and has an end, yours doesn't. Quite impressed with our self over being a doctor huh? You are but a mere mortal, remember that...

Sad to say, they all show the same wordiness and failure to get the the point.

Hey, Doc, anyone who can't distinguish between 'to' and 'too' is likely not bright enough to be a real MD. Tighten it up and get an editor, or just go away.

Three pages of rambling about useless information. Get to the point.

Okay - we're not even out of the opening scene and you're already double-crossing us. In one paragraph your talking about your paralytic blackout during your first surgery observation. Then your apologising to your best friend, med school, residency, co-worker neighbor for your second blackout. Dude - if the best buddy, med school, co-worker, etc. thing is true - HE FUCKING KNEW! Once you've told us once - enough already. Nope you have to tell us again and again. By the time I was halfway through You, writing Jon, relating Bobby's retelling of his wife's impassioned gushing as she violated her confidentiality vows because SHE JUST HAD TO TELL it was clear enough - you're just making this shit up on the fly. Holy Crap!

May I suggest that you proofread your work, and if possible read it aloud? I think you would have found a number of errors in both spelling and logic had you done so. Additionally, you might want to solicit the help of an editor.

Concerning spelling errors, you consistently used the word ‘to’ when homonym ‘too’ should have been used. This is the type of error that proofreading could have caught.

Your logic constructs are another matter. For instance, are we to believe that Sherrie works both as a Realtor and a Lab tech? If so, then how are the knowledge either relevant to the story and the reader? Or is this simply a mistake?

And why take so long to have Bobby tell his friend the story surrounding how he came to know of Sherrie’s affair? You wasted almost a page getting to the particulars, yet in contrast, you have the P.I. working at lightning speed.

As an author you always have to be considerate of the element of time: how old are the characters (especially if their ages are implied), how fast or slow activities occur, and when actions take place. In this story on the evening of day 1 Bobby is alerted by his wife of Sherrie’s infidelity. That same evening (after normal working hours) Bobby calls a P.I. and by lunch time of day 2 Bobby can tell Jon that the P.I is hard at work and already has prints of the camera from the hotel where Sherrie and her Ex conducted their affair.

Furthermore, Bobby assures Jon that the Private Investigator will have a finished report in 2 more days. So a full investigation can be conducted in just 3 days. Does this seem reasonable to you as an author? Did you do any research into how P.I.s work and what might be reasonable duration for such an inquiry?

I also took issue with the amount of redundant statements. For example, the first paragraph of page 2 states:

“Sherrie and I had a teenage son who was the joy of my life. His well being was my first value priority. He was the most important person in my life at this moment. Priority number one was: Protect my son from as much emotional pain as possible. Priority number two was to secure his future. To do this I had to be a solid role model for him on how to manage a disaster in life. My actions would have a life long impact on him and he was everything to me.”

How many ways can Jon tell us that his teenage son was the most important person to him? And why is the son’s name absent when you spent so much time telling us even the name s of the P.I.s?

When I read on, I came to the passage where we learn that Sherrie’s Ex was much more well-endowed than Jon. So there we have it, the likely reason for Sherrie’s betrayal…the Ex has a big dick! Can you not think of ANYTHING, ANY REASON, other than this tired, overused, cliché?

Not wanting to just use one tired cliché, you sorted to another, that of Jon doubting paternity of his son. If this chapter is in any predictive of what we can expect in chapter 2 then I’ll pass.

As a reader I like to be surprised on occasion. Even if the story has grammatical flaws, I can overlook them if the story is creative, has characters I can emphasize with, and is somewhat realistic. This story lacked these elements.

....your character (a doc no less, many of whom have been suspected of doing due diligence)--know NOTHING about his wife's ex, the BIO DAD of his dysfunctional adoptive daughter? What do all these characters you lit "writers" describe as loving couples talk about when they are dating? Cricket?

and now off to the races. TK U MLJ LV NV

I liked the premise and the potential...just not all the paragraphs.

You spend too damn much time trying to impress us with your use of the English language. Boring on and on with trivia data.

Who told you that you were a good story writer? Here's an idea, dictate your stories to an editor and let them put a really fast paced, interesting and somewhat exciting story together.

I made myself read all of two pages, scanned the last one and felt totally used, abused, insulted and was completely annoyed with you.

Go to hell!

You already heard it. Get an editor!

The spelling was dismal, the writing wordy and pointless, and you misused the English language in order to sound wizened.

Animated suspension?!! Talk about an oxymoron! It's suspended animation. Animated suspension is impossible.

Twenty minutes later and you had "an" answer? Don't you mean "the" answer?

"putting on as good an act as I was trying to" ? didn't college teach you about ending sentences with prepositions? "Putting on as good an act as I" would be acceptable.

The point is that is you are a "RealDoc" I hope you are better at it than you are a writer or else you are going to make malpractice insurance companies very happy!

C

From Page 3 - "She worked hard outside the house as a lab tech." Was she working part-time as a realtor? Or did you just screw that up too?

CONSIDER AN EDITOR PLEASE!

I'll hold off on giving it a score, until we read the rest of the story.

Out of 64 views you got 34 comments and all were mostly negative in one form or another. This must be record of some kind!

Your first page killed the entire story. You made it to drawn out trying to set the mood and scene. I agree with the others when they said to get an editor.

yOU COULD USE ABOUT HALF OF THE WORDS TO SAY THE SAME STORY AND TELL IT JUST AS WELL.wHAT DO i CARE ID THE LAWYER'S RECEPTIONIST GAVE YOU AN APPOINTMENT CARD AND THEN VERIFIED THE APPOINTMENT VERBALLY.

CRAP!!!!!!!!!

I struggled thru The Note in an attempt to give you a chance.

I should not have tried again. I bailed out of this one two thirds down the first page.

You need to look up the words "Verbose" and also "Brevity".

I am curious, do your friends call you a major drama queen?

You failed to mention the flowers in the garden of your "four bedroom three bath ranch style suburban home with the indoor Jacuzzi and glass roofed over outdoor pool" or how often the lawn was watered, all TOTALLY RELEVANT to the plot. Why bother with a three page story when you could have included their inside leg measurement and what colour socks they had on to insure boredom, woops sorry detail in six pages.

At what time of the day did the wife change her job .

Very drawn out you deserved 1 star and you got it

and now its blood work for the ER Doc. TK U MLJ LV NV

Realtor first time he mentions her and Lab tech a few hours later??? WTF????

It took a long time to get where we are and I anticipate ch. 2. I hate cheaters.

You too an awfully long time to say very little. The opening was almost excruciatingly slow with many repeated lines. I feel it would benefit with editing.

Some of it was confusing and a few times I got confused by what you were saying, so after all the double writing it wasn't as clear as it should be.

The protagonist didn't build up any type of sympathy. In stories like this you have to like the good guy, but there was nothing to like. He was just "slow."

I am writing this, not to thrust negatives at you but to offer a view that I hope you might like to consider. You can obviously write but have a tendency to overwrite and in your overwriting you over look the importance of character development.

Needs both light editing for careless errors and editing for pacing. The author spends too much time trying to build suspense in sections where it is obvious what is happening. There were times I wished he'd just get on with it. Reminds me of my daughter in junior high. She told events in real time when I wanted a well thought out summary. Needs an editor for numerous simple mistakes which as to s/b too, al s/b all, missing words, etc.

However, the story is very good as a whole, but correcting the above would make it so much better.

Very interesting storyline. Slightly wooden at times. Details and descriptions are good when they pertain to the story. A few times they just seemed superfluous.

with all the BS they cause...that in itself is a winner!....TK U MLJ LV NV

We are walking very slowly down that last mile and the death chamber is beckoning -

The pain grows with each step - maybe fewer and quicker steps??

too much knowing of facts can be trivial. TK U MLJ LV NV

Is the wife a realtor or a lab tech? Was the appointment with the attorney at 1:00 followed by the visit to the P.I. at 2:00? If so. why didn't he visit with the lawyer?

Shall I keep going?

Just get a proof reader if you can't take the time to do it yourself! Please!!

It is very obvious that English is not your first language. You should get someone to proofread your stories prior to submitting them. The lack of idioms and the use of "correct" grammar is not conducive to an enjoyable read.

See rightbank comment.

Probably happened when you split the story here?

Some of the writing re the two Drs. talking was confusing. Why did our hero adopt his step-daughter? Wouldn't that have cut off visitation for her biological father? Early in the story Sherrie was a RE agent. Later she was a lab tech.

memory and training do not have answers to a lot of questions. TK U MLJ LV NV

Was mentioned on second page,that Sherrie worked as realtor, then on third page, almost to end, that she was a lab tech.

Liking the story though.

Predominantly narrated, but it seems consistent with the way the story is formulated. Having a conversation with a lab tech (NOT a realtor) about ordering a blood typing would be silly!

On the grinch side, the editing is flimsy. In the penultimate paragraph, we have 'the raw data COMPROMISING the investigation.' Waiting to read the final chapter!

If anything, even worse than the first time through. This time the small mistakes seem larger & the larger ones are glaring - don't think I'll be reading anymore, not that enjoyable. If I could score it again - it's only worth 2 **

What dribble! Your story for the first 2 and half pages was

P-A-I-N-F-U-L-L-Y B-O-R-I-N-G! Your character rambles on and on and on about his confused feelings like a scared little girl! He's supposed to be an experienced, in control ER doctor who should be able to see things the way they are but you have him all over the place emotionally! He's in a constant state of denial! Then to add insult to injury, you say he's had military leadership training! OMG!!!! Your character is pathetic and his wife is a big cock slut!

All your ramblings over 3 VERY LONG PAGES could have been condensed into a couple of paragraphs! So far, YOUR STORY SUCKS!!!

I might need three pair to understand typing such as this:

"Mr. Jones" I looked at him then Bobby. "If Bobby needs to leave now, it will that be ok with me? He came here at my urgent request and I don't know if he is in a hurry"? He has to work all night tonight. I had not asked Bobby his plans for the afternoon, just a request to meet me here.

************************

Ferchrissakes!!

Dude, what the hell are you smoking? There are so many horribly confusing constructions. The first paragraphs almost had me catatonic. Plus the constant, nitpicking, rehashing, and hairsplitting buildups. It's just weird. Can't you just read your own shit ffs?

What the hell is this:

"Sherrie was tired, as usual and my son needed a shower in the worst sort of way. He was more dirty than smelly. I guess his arm pit glands weren't mature enough to produce much of a stink yet."

I am overjoyed to know this. Really. I am.

W.T.F.F. is wrong with your brain, Boy?

Your story rambles a lot over the very Pages restating things again and again.

Nobody cheats to win, maybe in politics.

First, you open giving his professional credentials, then proceed to describe what a pussy-whipped, wimp he is, the on the second page spend nearly half the page sporadically show how "in denial" he is! Worse then, you tell us he has military training! Story is a waste of time!

I think we have an author whose mind runs way out in front of what his fingers are typing on a keyboard, and resulting in some odd ball text. In short this author needs an editor and a proof reader.

You say earlier in the story that Sherrie is a realtor, then later you say she's a lab tech. Which is it? You told his profession etc. very early on, then repeated it all later. The grammatical errors are also frustrating. You desperately need an editor!

The first few paragraphs started to set a good story line. But then rambled over and over with the same information being repeated and at times the syntax of the sentences was almost incoherent enough to make reading almost impossible. The fact that the wife’s job changed from realtor to lab tech part way through made me think the second half had been written first before a beginning had been thought about. You have good promise but most definitely need an editor to keep your stories on track.

A little slow. We know she is cheating. Hope he gets his revenge in the next chapter.

So much blablablabla, so much boring Informations! Reading this story is Areal pain in The ass!

You ramble! Your character is a mature, well educated professional but you write him like he's an emotional, naive little girl!

This is supposed to be a mature, self assured man. This guy is a stupid clueless little girl. Seriously why can't authors portray husbands as mature men.

his wife was bitching about his cock and wishing it was like her ex husband's? And he didn't immediately dump her? WTF?

but I found myself scanning and skipping paragraphs that were needless words. I like that the story is different then most.

...until I read the second half. I'm finding it very wordy and confusing.

The general hypothesis is sound but the delivery leaves a lot to be desired. I hope your medical reports are more concise.

No stars at this point. I will come back and award them when I've finished reading.

This was too wordy by at least 40%.

Reading again. I like the Doc's writing and this story. Damned cheating bitch.

No.

And definitely would not want him for surgery if lightheaded by bad news.

Sherrie was a realtor until she was a lab tech. Sloppy.

Needs editing. Story has Good bones and emotional take. Its just the words sometimes runoff a bit with you.

Took way to long to get to the point. Nope!

You have a way of telling your stories that make me yawn and skip the unnecessary amount of words you use to tell the most simpler things. You drag the story with so many unnecessary details that the important data gets lost in the middle. So far boring.

Story pretty good, would have been a FIVE except for the plethora of typos, grammos, and pitiful lack of proof reading.

First your wife worked in reality then she was a lab tech. Then you knew both yours and your wife blood type the you had gorgon ten you wife blood type poorly writen.

Dude, go back and edit this crap. Sorry, the story holds promise but you need to clean it up and correct the inconsistencies.

Totally agree with BobbyBrandt : go back and edit until it's readable. It currently isn't.

This is a good story but you really need to come to the point a lot quicker. Example of this is in the 1st chapter in the 1st page when his friend goes on endlessly tell him how sorry he is to have to tell him this but he knows he have to do it it's better et cetera and you've done that 3 or 4 times the 1st 3 chapters. This is a somewhat dramatic story and doing and doing that drags the whole story to a crawl.

Also there's no such thing as an innocent motel meeting with his wife and a man that she knows nothing about. That spells other criminal activity or an affair.

You've got to give us room for us to have come and send some respect that.

I'm very happy to give you the latitude that a writer needs to create the story but please thinks like the affirmation are really insulting to the reader. I feel that your running is a lot better than a lot of posts that I see here but you really need a proofreader and someone to tighten up your work. Have you done that I think this story would have read a lot better and had much more impact. By the way I work in ER medicine and you're doing a pretty good job with that.

you blew this one,your writing without thinking..among other things...You State do not eat after midnight due to lab tests next day BUT then you have Breakfast BEFORE going to the lab.???? you must fast at least 8 hrs before tests,after lab tests you may consume anything other than water..Lack of Realism,contradiction and characters not staying true to form Kill fictional stories. If an author cannot adhere to that,writing fantasy should be the calling where lack of realism is acceptable.

Other than that stop writing for the sake of writing,way too drawn out and somewhat repetitious at times,reader loses interest. JZK.

Like so many of the other stories of this kind on Literotica, the writers seem to think that a fucking page and a half to get a tid bit of what it was that blew this guy's mind is not building suspense. It's building irritation. Not every nuance needs a paragraph enrich the story.

Long winded much?

Wife is a realtor in the first part; lab tech later ....

I don’t understand the authors that have men passing out, vomiting, or running away, when they find out that their wife is cheating. My reaction to betrayal is RAGE! The same goes for other men I know.

ZK

"I just want some collaboration." Do you mean corroboration?

The main thing bothering me is she changed professions in the middlebof the story. First she's a real-estate agent show houses, then she a lab tech. "No calories after midnight" then they have breakfast the next morning. Holly crap, please try to keep it straight. Not as bad as some when they call a character one name then a different name a paragraph later the back to original name, but still not great. Story has been ok so far.

1 star so far - Way too much medical jargon, and not enough character development on the SLUT.

Sorry this just isn't very good. It feels rushed. The reaction dialogue in the beginning is to descriptive and the doctors reaction is overly dramatic since surgeons are known to handle life and death situations regularly. So the panic attack is not believable. The wife sleeping with the ex husband is not as big a stretch as if was her boss or a best friend etc.

This cheating bitch and her bastard lover neeed to go down hard.

Good start to part two. Bit drawn out. Interesting descriptions of characters