Cheating Wife, but So Much FIXED!

Tony was more forward about details, like he knew I would want them. He helpfully told me that Steve was nothing special in the junk drawer, as he had seen him many times in the gym locker room. At least I had that going for me. The fact that they went at it for hours at a time was unpleasant information. I'm no one-pump-chump but our sessions rarely lasted more than maybe 30 minutes of penetration, maybe an hour all told if we went all out. I used to think that was pretty damn good. But apparently Steve was into this tantric yoga bullshit and they would go on for hours.

It had all started with Steve running that yoga class. For whatever reason, Heather bit hard on the spiritual nature of it, and quickly she was eager to learn more from him. The class actually quit fairly quickly because it was obvious there was a teacher's pet, so to speak. I couldn't understand, even with all this new information, what could draw her to him.

There was more. More pain, more injury to my ego, more death to my marriage. I sat there and took it like a man at the wrong side of the firing line, only I couldn't just fucking die and they kept shooting. Tony and Jada seemed relieved to get this out in the open, and while they unburdened themselves, I took it all on my shoulders. I left that place devastated.

Steve. Short, ugly, dull Steve. I couldn't make any sense of it. Heather is incredibly smart, quick witted and sharp. That's one of the things that brought us together; I could match her brain. At least I felt like I could. I was second guessing everything. What was it she was missing? What drove her away? Where did I go wrong?

I drowned in those thoughts all weekend. I almost reached out to some friends and spilled my guts, but I was too embarrassed and ashamed that I had let my wife get so far off the reservation. I needed to confront her first. I needed to hear it from her. I needed to know what was going on.

Late Sunday I got a text.

Heather: [it. is. Done!]

Noah: [All four of you survive?]

H: [No casualties. Lots of bruises and sore spots. I'll hurt for a week.]

N: [Well come on home, I'll pour you a bath and you can tell me all about it]

H: [Getting a rubdown tomorrow. If I can stand it!]

N: [Does the hotel have a hot tub?]

H: [No, sadly. Maybe I'll just stay in bed all day tomorrow]

N: [Anybody doing anything exciting tomorrow?]

H: [No idea. Just wanna be dead for a day]

N: [please come home alive.]

H: [I feel more alive than ever before. But right now I need to crash! I'm exhausted. Tell you all about it when I get home. Love you! Good night!]

N: [Love you more.]

Monday was a blur. I went to work but my head wasn't in the game. I felt frozen in time, like I couldn't accomplish anything with this affair hanging over my head. My thoughts were all over the place, my emotions just as scrambled. I wasn't eating, barely slept, and watched the clock drag its feet for what seemed like days.

I met her at the airport very early Tuesday and she was a wreck. She had barely slept on the red-eye and she needed to get home, clean up, change clothes and go to work. I tried to be pleasant but it was tough. She started talking about the trip in slightly generalized terms, like she didn't want to flat out lie to me too much.

It was amazing. Unlike any other. Best time she'd had so far. Really stretched her limits and found out how much she could really handle. Etc. When I pressed for details, she said she was too worn out from the bumpy flight and could I just let her rest in the car while I drove?

I likely wouldn't have noticed if I had still been in the dark, but every comment sounded like a veiled reference to sex. I was just trying to hold it together a little while longer. We got home and after she tossed her bag into the laundry room, she turned on me.

"I got you something, Tiger!" And then she jumped my bones. I'd like to say I was resistant to her, but I was definitely not. In fact, I was happy to give her some aggressive attention. It was great, but strange. I felt like she was trying to go over the top, like she was trying to atone for her sins, and I was definitely throwing some extra effort into it trying to punish her. We had rarely had such energetic sex and I hated myself for loving it so much. Afterwards she kissed me sweetly and ran off to the shower.

She was off to work shortly thereafter and I would be along in a couple of hours since our schedules were off. I was in shock, again, but differently. I was a zombie at work again and I'm glad I have a good relationship with my boss and team because they had to pick up some of my slack. What was I going to do that night? I had to confront her with what I knew, with the whole big damn thing, and I was terrified.

I was terrified and I ran. I made up some bullshit so I could bail on her that evening. I said we had a minor emergency at work and I needed to put in some extra time. That wasn't all bullshit -- I had a growing backlog from my recent inability to give a shit at the office. I just didn't want to be in a room with her alone yet. Thankfully she skipped the gym and crashed early. She texted me just after 5:00 PM and said she was done and don't wake her up when I get home. That worked. I crept into the house around 9:00 and slept on the couch, weeping myself to sleep.

We talked a little the next morning but only in passing. She said she was going to the gym after work, now Wednesday, and that we'd get dinner afterwards. OK, fine. I had a feeling that was a lie. I had his address from Jada and I planned to meet them there. I went to work, claimed a heavy workload to miss lunch with Heather, then waited until 3:00 for her to leave. She came by my office and gave me a quick kiss, then she was off. Ten minutes later, I was out.

I went by the gym first, to be sure. She wasn't there. Here we go.

I went to his apartment, and there was her car. I got on my phone and called her. No answer. I texted.

Noah: [I know where you are. I know who you are with. I know how long this has been going on.]

I watched the window of his apartment and I saw somebody move the curtain and check outside. Then she replied.

Heather: [I know. Sorry you found out like that, because you don't know the whole picture. Go home, Noah. I'll be there soon and we will talk.]

I went home and sat at the kitchen table, grinding my teeth and trying to keep my heart rate down. About an hour later, she arrived.

She brought him with her.

"Noah, you know Steve."

"Uh huh." The ugly little fucker held his hand out and I just looked him in the eye.

"Please, be nice," she said.

"Your boy Ripper here, is he bleeding?" He rolled his eyes.

"No..."

"Then I'm being nice."

"Hey, calm down man. Hear her out." Steve was very lean and fit. Not bulky or body-builder big, just a lot closer than me. I had him by height and weight but I'm no athlete. I'll admit I was intimidated, but my anger was screaming in my ear that I could take him.

"Yeah, she's got some explaining to do."

"Please, Noah, just sit down and listen to me. Please." Not for her, but I wanted to hear it. I needed to hear the details, as sick as that sounds. She sat on the sofa and pulled Steve down to sit beside her. I waited a moment, then sat in the chair. Heather took that as a cue to start.

"Look, Noah, I know this has been hard on you and I'm sorry for that. I had hoped you wouldn't find out like you did, but I can't compete with your mind. You were bound to see it before I was ready and I am sorry for that. I'm not mad at you for grilling Jada and Tony. I had intended to bring this to you a little more elegantly, but here we are. You have questions and I owe you answers."

"You're not mad at me? Well, that's a relief. So, how do I trust anything you say? You've been lying to me for six months, Heather. Half a goddamn year. A quarter of our marriage! But sure, knock yourself out. Fascinating that you brought the other man to this thing. Very classy."

"Just relax, OK? There's a lot more going on than you realize. Let me explain." She took a deep breath, looked at Steve as if for support, then back at me and began.

"You'll want a timeline, I assume. I'll start there just so you get the whole story. Stop me when you need to and I'll elaborate." We could stop now and you could just get your shit out of my house you lying, cheating cunt.

I'll give you the short version, which is still pretty long. She met him at the gym and they clicked. Hard. She hadn't intended to do anything, wasn't looking for anything, was happily, blissfully married, and then this happened. It was the spiritual way he lived that intrigued her. She had questions, and he had no end of answers. They talked, she learned, he became her spiritual guide, and they bonded. Quickly they realized there was something going on between them.

She was cautious at first, but intrigued. Steve felt the same way and they were infatuated. He was respectful of her marriage and she wouldn't go any further than a drink after gym. At first. They just talked, but the longer they talked the more they felt like they were meeting each other in ways they had not experienced before. They fell in love, and she went on about that: they literally fell into a pit they never saw and found themselves together. They never tried to build up to love, it just happened to them like a lightning strike. It was like the universe intended them to find each other.

She was quick to point out that at the same time, she wasn't falling out of love with me. She still cherished every moment with me, and the only thing that would drive her to Steve was that she loved him just as much. She was amazed and delighted to find that her heart could hold us both in equal measure. She used the analogy of water and air - she needed both, neither more or less than the other, or she would die.

She felt terrible about lying to me but she tried to do it as little as possible. When she said she was going to the gym, she did, just for a moment and then on to Steve's place. She felt like these little technicalities made it better.

When they first had sex, about four months ago, it was 'magical.' She went into too much detail there, but I needed it. Like slapping hot iron to a bullet wound, I needed the details to truly feel the pain and hopefully get some catharsis out of it. It's disgusting and self-destructive how men need all the gory details, but there I was getting them. Sex with him was a long, drawn-out thing, not like anything she had ever experienced. It was some tantric bliss that she never knew existed. He would be inside her for hours at a time, like they were communing with the universe when he was inside her, yadda, yadda, yadda. My knuckles were white the whole time.

She made it a point to tell me that I was bigger than him, that she had done her research and understood a lot of men obsess over that detail and that I was the victor in that battle. Didn't stop her from fucking the guy, but great, I'm bigger, yay.

She went on about how she maneuvered around me, always distracting me instead of lying to me, and she felt like that was important. There had been another event they went to that was bogus, the name she gave it was "Dirt Pounder," but she rationalized that the event they shared together in the hotel room was actually the "Dirt Pounder." Like that made it better? DIRT POUNDER!? I stopped her on that one.

"Hold on, hold on... Dirt Pounder was what you called the sex you two had?" She nodded confidently. At least Steve had the good sense to blush and look away in shame.

"So... Steve here is pounding your asshole, apparently for hours at a time, and you seem to think that because you didn't technically lie to me, I'm supposed to be OK with that? I'm supposed to think, 'She fucked another man, but thank God she didn't technically lie to me?'"

"Yes, exactly. I know that sounds crazy, but I've read up on this. I know it's the lying and loss of trust that kills a marriage, which is why I worked so hard to not lie to you. And Steve doesn't enjoy anal sex like you do, so that's still pretty much all yours, if that's important to you."

"Jesus fucking Christ..."

"I know this is a lot, Noah, and I'm sorry, but please let me finish."

"You were finished a long time ago, but sure, get it off your chest." She continued.

The trysts just proved that they were indeed a match and the intimacy was just as powerful as it was with me. She kept equating what they had with what she and I had, that we were so different and yet so equal. It was infuriating but it was also curious. She was building up to something and I was starting to see pieces of it.

Finally, Colorado. That's where he is from and they went to meet his fucking parents. Then they had a little ceremony and were wed in spirit by a shaman under the stars in Rocky Mountain National Park, serenaded by elk and witnessed by buffalo. That happened Friday night. She was in the dress - a simple white peasant dress and nothing else, not even sandals, she said dreamily - when I called her Friday night. They made love in a tent for two days straight and it was perfect. If I'd had a gun, I would have used it.

Sunday, they came back into town to a hotel, bathed each other like a ritual in the big tub in the honeymoon suite his parents had paid for, and just relaxed until Monday evening when they had to come back. And fucked all day, obviously.

Finally, she was caught up. She knew she had to tell me and had planned to ease me into it a bit more, but I had found out early and ruined her plans. So, fucking sorry 'bout that. She wanted to get 'married' to Steve and bring that relationship to me as a whole, complete thing, like it would have been trashy or crude if she brought me just this guy she was fucking, but to bring me her new 'husband' was the honorable thing to do and made it all OK.

"I know this is a lot, and I know it's not what you expected. It's not what we expected either, but it's right, Noah. It's RIGHT," she held her hands to her heart and acted like this was some cosmic spiritual TRUTH the universe had thrust upon her.

"It's right that I be with Steve for the rest of my life, just like it's right for me to be with you for the rest of my life. I belong to you both now, and you two belong to me. We three are one."

Blink.

Blink.

"That's...um..." I took a deep breath and let it out. "Are you fucking high?"

"I've never been higher!" She giggled like a girl. She was adorable and despicable at the same time. "I'm in a room with the two men I love most in the whole world, my husbands, and I am in heaven right now."

I am impressed that I lasted as long as I did, but finally, inevitably, appropriately, I blew the fuck up.

"I've been in hell for months, Heather! My wife, MY GOD DAMN WIFE is fucking some other guy! You've been cheating on me for half a year and now you want to justify it? You destroyed our marriage! You wrecked my life! You blew it right the fuck up! You shit on me and everything we were, you whore! And now... now you trot this knob-nosed dirt fucker in here and you want me to... I was about to say forgive you, but you haven't asked for that, have you? Jesus Christ, you don't think you've done anything wrong, do you? And you want to rub this tantric sex, poly bullshit in my face and I'm supposed to sit here and take it!?" I was getting loud. More than loud.

"Calm down, Noah. This wasn't cheating. We had a missing piece in our lives and I found it. This was supposed to happen. Noah, we are so incredibly lucky to have all found each other! What are the odds, right? We are like a four-leaf clover - super rare and super special. We can all be WHOLE now. And I do ask you to forgive me, because I did mislead you and I did lie to you a few times, and I know this isn't the way you expected things to work out. I have done you wrong and I'm sorry that had to happen and I beg you to forgive me. As to what I want, I want my husbands to meet and start to learn about each other so that we can grow and move forward together."

Blink.

Blink.

"You want me to share."

"Yes."

"You."

"Of course."

"With him."

"Obviously."

I just... I had nothing. Somehow this ridiculous situation had me teetering between anger and laughter. It was so damned absurd. A busted spouse is supposed to beg forgiveness, or dump the old marriage and run away for the new relationship, but this... THIS? She wanted both of us to hook ourselves up to her batshit-crazy wagon and just ride away into the sunset? I sat there with my mouth open for a moment, trying to find a set of words that made sense to me. She started to say something but I lifted my hand and she stopped. I took a deep breath, let it out, and told her how I felt.

"OK. OK. Here's what I'm thinking right now. Here's my take on all this... I am willing to share you with him..." She lit up at that, this huge beautiful smile on her lovely face. But I continued, "But only parts of you."

"What do you mean?"

"I'll be happy to share your lying whore mouth, your easy sloppy cunt, and your busted asshole. The rest of you is of no use to me." Stevie didn't like that at all.

"Hey! That's the woman I love!"

"That's my fucking wife, you ugly fuck!"

I was ready to murder him, I swear. I launched off the chair and lunged at him but Heather got in the way and pushed her hand into my chest. I was absolutely prepared to bathe in his blood but I wasn't ready to hurt her. Not like that, anyway. She yelled at us to stop it and he backed down, reluctantly.

"Show some fucking respect!" he yelled.

"To the man fucking my wife? Never! So, like you said, Heather, you love him, so get the fuck out and be with him." I rubbed my hands together and held them up, washing my hands of her. Then I got up and went to the bedroom. I grabbed my wallet and keys and jacket and headed for the door.

"You will both be gone by the time I get back. Pack your shit and go." I slammed the apartment door behind me while Heather yelled something I didn't catch.

I went to a local restaurant with a bar. We were in the burbs so there wasn't even a proper bar nearby. I bought one beer and just stared at it. What the fuck?

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!?

I didn't know how to start processing this. We three are one? It was ludicrous. She had brain damage, or was on drugs? Wait, was she on drugs? Could that be it? If she was out of her mind then... But six months, man! That was no lapse in judgment, that was no fling, and the whole Colorado thing was beyond premeditated. They had a fucking WEDDING! My married fucking wife got fucking married to this ugly little fucker in a pile of buffalo shit!

I was lost. Just lost. I felt I was shell-shocked. After a while my emotional side was getting numb and my rational problem-solving side took over. Got a problem? Figure it out and fix it. Eat the elephant one bite at a time. What's my next step.

Get her out. Obviously. She has to go. Drugs, insanity, bit by a radioactive whore, whatever her fucking excuse, we are done.

Lawyer up. We didn't have much in terms of physical possessions but there were still things that would need to be done. I guess. Never dealt with a divorce before so I didn't really know the procedure. Just have to call a few guys and find out. Then?

Blow my brains out with a big bottle of Maker's Mark? That's about as far as I got and it seemed like a solid plan. Baby steps.

I went home near midnight. Her car wasn't in the lot so I went to the apartment and unlocked the door. She was still in there, sitting at one end of the couch, her new toy not obviously around.

"You don't belong here," I said.

"Yes, I do and you know it. You love me." Fucking whore, yes, I still do, and hate you just the same.

"Get out."