All Comments on 'Chemistry Ch. 02'

I like it, but where was the tension? Where was the drama? It was like dominoes falling. Everything went perfect.

He bought a 6 million dollar house, and put half of it in his new girlfriends name?

I don't think you mentioned her MBA enough. The story is ok but is full of unnecessary fill. However you finish it, I'm sure it could have been done in two parts. Still, thanks for the effort. 3 stars.

This felt a bit more like "romance" than loving wives. To be honest, Heather "cheated" on him with his mother and job (professionally); he had an emotional affair with Jennifer, even if he needed the support. Flip the genders and loads of people would see him as the evil spouse wanting a divorce.

Also there's a part where you kept Mixing Tom and Ted up even in the same sentence.

Overall it felt a bit dry, setting stuff up and running through a laundry list. The tense also flip flopped a tad.

All that is rather mechanical criticism of course. Overall I like the idea of a person pushing for self determination. I assume part 3 we'll see the drama and fallout of the fuel project and perhaps some nefarious plan from Heather and his Mother? The framework is solid just the pace and grammar need tweaking.

I am enjoying this tale a lot; can’t wait for the next chapter.

Moving forward very nicely!

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Another thing, what's with the erasure of his father's presence from his life? I'm going to guess that it was just so evil mommy could control Thomas. And now he reunites with his father's family and everything is awesome in his life, and he gets everything he wants. But it would be so much better if he finds out that his mom was right to hide him from her in-laws. That the friendly kind people he was reconnecting with, were actually the bad guys. But that doesn't look like that's where this story is going. He quits his job and leaves his fiancee only to get a better job and a new girlfriend immediately. He's super amazing and gets rich and powerful in the end.

Good second addition.

Great writing.

The pace is meant for readers who like a story to evolve slowly.

Surely original and different.

Look forward to the concluding part.

waiting for ch 3

Anybody would look good compared to evil mom and monster bitch Heather.

This story is extremely impersonal. The lack of dialogue causes it to read like a manual. You have too many details about things that have no bearing on the plot. All the flights and drives did not advance the plot. The guy had $100 million and lived in an apartment. We all can see that the crux of the plot is that his idea will revolutionize industry while Heather's will be a total flop, but you're taking forever to reach that point. I suggest more dialogue, more action, fewer inane facts and unrelated routine situations. You are losing your readers, if they are not gone already.

You have only written a few stories so take this free advice which is worth what you paid for it:

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All the drama was crammed into the first (very short) chapter and it was related clinically. ‘Mom did this and mom did that and I will not indicate any of the emotions I felt.’ Dead dad, forced name change, abandoned family, frigid gf are some deep issues but he just seemed to say ‘okie!’ and go get that hated degree. It left the reader detached.

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The second chapter was a qhml romance except with even less drama. What if mom tried to scuttle Jen’s MBA? What if she forced a transfer on Jen to Europe with a juicy job offer? What if he couldn’t force the people he met three days ago to hire his latest sidepiece/rebound girl? What if the new fam stole his idea?

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Having 100 million had me crying a river to how horrible his life was. It is like writing Superman: what do you write against a guy who is making ~$11,000 in interest PER DAY? (What if controlling mother stole all his money and Richie Rich had to actually eat ramen for a while? Would Songgrrl be as attracted to ‘Ramen Guy’ as much as ‘French Laundry for Lunch guy’?). So she is in Europe? ‘I can live there!’

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Don’t ask me about endings because according to anonymice, I can’t stick one to save my life. 😜

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Now, the phrasing and grammar was good and you can string the sentences together. You just need to drum up your emotion and dramaturgy a bit. I don’t waste my time on people who can’t write and refuse to learn, so I hope you take this as ‘beta reading’ well intended advice. And despite the slight slam on some of qhml’s ‘Annie’ style bubblegum fare, his ‘An Unexpected Reaction’ is one of the best continuing dramatic stories here, and he is in the top writers for a reason. Conflict doesn’t end with a new girl.

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I look forward to your future endeavors with optimism.

I’m enjoying this story but so far nothing unexpected has happened. If this follows the usual path, Heathers fuel will not work and he will end up owning Prentice Chemical as well as running Los A. Why not try something else?

I believe you are getting better. From the point of view of a reader, I believe that tension can be felt even if confrontations go relatively smoothly. He dealt with meeting his mother and, no surprise, Heather being there as well. He managed meeting her parents as well. The reader doesn’t know until these events that he will handle them well. I do see a coming storm whenever he gets his workable fuel ready and Heather and mom realize it isn’t viable.

Pretty good story so far. However, a smart guy like him should know better than to buy a house in California. Worse state in the country to start a family and to do business. otherwise, ok, I'll watch for the next chapter.

Struggling with the quick jump from Heather to Jennifer, but you have laid out some plot lines to explain it away. It just seems there should be more dialogue between the characters than you had. Enjoying the read regardless. 4.5*

Still no betrayal, and there is still another chapter so I didnt see any endings let alone a happy one

Okay second chapter, but there wasn't much, if any, drama. You need to put some excitment into a chapter.

For the locals, the "city by the bay" is never "San Fran", never "Frisco". Just saying; the story is excellent.

Could have been better ….

A solid 4 for me.

I agree with @Negarivity, a nice twist would be his mom and Heather actually being the good guys and Jennifer and his father's family the bad guys.. Too much is going right for the MC at the moment.

Hope it moves along better in the next chapters. Getting kinda boring

Honestly mate, the romance with Jennifer is dragging down the story. There are some interesting aspects here - the relationship that he has with his mother and now ex-fiancee, what's going to happen to his mothers company when it turns out that Heather's research is a bust, what's going to go on with his fathers struggling company, will there be some sort of corporate warfare when his mother finds out where he's working? How will he resolve the tension between these situations. And also, his mom is taking this way too easily for how she's portrayed in the story early on and her past actions and he, himself, seems largely non-plussed by the whole thing when I would expect him to have this seething bubbling cauldron of rage down there considering that not only does his mother control every aspect of his life, she also thinks he's incompetent and essentially ruined his engagement/relationship (although Heather had a bit hand in that - I wonder if she will lose her hero worship when she realizes how crappy a person his mom actually is?)

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Basically, there's a lot of interesting shit to play with here and you blew thousands and thousands of words on a C- tier romance subplot. Why is this even in loving wives?

Nice tale, but this seems to be more of a Romance category as none of the main characters were married.

Way out in the weeds on secondary character development In this ; chapter 2 ; story is very interesting, but a chore to get through chapter 2

It has been a good read so far, I hope there is more to this story.

not sure why this was under Un-Loving Wives instead of Romance.

Oh come on! If his Investments are worth $100 million, plus he owns 10% of his mothers Company plus is about to own 25% of his Father's Company, even a moron would be arranging a Financial Planner to ensure Trusts are in place and a Pre-nup established. Simply singing her name to a property worth around $5.8 million (meaning she owns 50%) is just ridiculous.

This wasn’t a “loving wife” story, it was romance or non-erotic. 1 star for wrong category.

I want to believe there's a story buried in here, but I'm struggling with the massive amounts of the mundane and blasé. I'll see if part3 can rescue this before I rate it. But so far.....zzzzzzzzz

5 from me.

Page 2 slight clean up you mixed up Ted and Tom a couple of times. That was the bad part, now on to the good part.

1st I would like to say that it is delightful to read a story where people are not dropping trousers every other paragraph. I prefer the slow burns like your style.

2nd Nice plot and decent character development.

3rd this hopefully is completed with an open ending to offer opportunities for additional story arcs.

Unrealistic that he hasn't been tapping that for months. Worse yet, he would sign over half the house before finding out she was a bum fuck.

A lot of mundane stuff, didn’t really advance the story much.

This story is very entertaining….but when are we going to get to the confrontation that has to occur with Mom?

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Heather sure didn’t seem too upset at losing him, did she? Did she have something on tne side, or was her job with his Mom her gigolo?

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And how the hell did he and Jenny keep from fucking for so long even as they essentially were cohabiting for a long while?

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Can’t wait for next chapter.

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5 *****

It was fairly interesting but absurdly black and white. Life isn't like that. He wanted to marry and have a family. Heather could reasonably have asked him whether he was also prepared to put his research on hold while they both raised the children. Heather's research is less promising than his-why put that in? He doesn't like being controlled by his mother but he takes control of Jennifer's life without a second thought except where it affects him. He doesn't have a clue why his mother and fiancee don't respect him. To this reader it was all too clear!

Looking forward to part 3, or at least hoping for it.

With the absolute dearth of stories worthy of star ratings over 3 in the past few days, I’m grateful to grade this enjoyable tale 5/5 stars. I look forward to your concluding chapter. BRB

Good story, but he's a total wimp in dealing with his ex and mom. Turning off the phone and not taking their calls is cowardly and him saying his piece then hanging up is even worse. Then when face to face with them, he tells half stories, because of his lack of communication, he didn't want to unload the truth all at once. He doesn't come off any better than his ex and mom. Both sides could have been left in a better place , as a result of their decisions but a lack of communication is making things worse.

Really enjoying your story and hope there are many more parts to come.

"My mother's secretary called me to let me know that she would be available for dinner tonight." - His mother has her secretary call?!

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He says he still loves Heather, but he's obviously falling in love with Jennifer.

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I don't see why he has to wait for the company to recoup its investment before he starts getting a percentage. They may be funding the rest of the development, but he's providing all of his research.

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Why wouldn't Jennifer tell him what Susan's call was about? Nothing was said about a surprise party.

Boring, and not realistic. Except for a throwaway line here or there referring to a cell phone or a computer, it comes across as set in the 70’s. Listing a name change in the newspaper for a month? To undo a name change that a feminist mother imposed on her son? Staying with a single woman, but in her spare bedroom?

It’s weird, and doesn’t flow.

ZK

Filled with boring extraneous fluff. Most of the dialogue is stiff and really not germane to the plot.

Had to bail on page two.

"...Jennifer handed in her resignation to Heather. Heather and my mother had a feeling that it had something to do with me and my research, so they decided to walk her out the door..." —

This is the way. Doesn't usually matter if you were a loyal, honest, and faithful employee. Most big companies accept your two week notice and then tell you to clean out your desk. If things were friendly, they will take you to lunch.

Already getting married? They barely know each other. Work does not count.

I saw this story just as you wrote,so now we get another part. You could have finished it here and now. The conclusion is obvious. A happy ending .

Why is this in Loving Wives, this more a romance which is fine.

looking forward to the next chapters

Good read, but I hope the story continues to its logical end...

Enjoyable series. I now these are hard work.

Waaay too long to go balls deep in his new honey, they aren’t 15. And, what all the erasing of his Hogan ancestry isn’t resolved

I liked it up to the part where he was putting her name on the ownership to the house, which at that stage of their relationship struck me as so ridiculous as not to be worth consideration.

Excellent story so far. 5*

Pretty boring so far, no real conflict nor much of anything happening. If there’s another part hope something actually happens.

I liked it, not great but good. I think some fireworks with his mom would liven things up a bit or maybe if his new love was working undercover for mom, but probably not. Since mom and Heather treated her so coldly, onward, I guess. 4 stars

Well written. I kind of agree this isn't a LW story, heather didn't cheat on him or anything, she is just a bitch like his mother. There also isn't a lot of conflict in this story so far, he isn't conflicted with Jennifer, he doesn't have a big blowout with his mother. I would guess there may be in the next chapter, where mom gets wind of where he is working and tries to pull a Trump and she the Hogan Family firm over Toms research and try to financially squeeze them , especially since Heather's creation won't work.

The other thing with this story is Tom having 100m and the like takes so much out of it. If he was an ordinary guy then him going to work for the Hogan family business, having them pay for the research , would be a lot more fraught. It is just too easy.

The way his mother is controlling, and wants to keep him away from her paternal side, I am sure she must be keeping an eye on him. Is Jennifer planted on him to keep an eye on him,trozan horse in his paternal side company? All possibilities with her behaviour and her smooth sailing in his personal and professional life. Except the visit to her parents. May be she was planted as spy but lost her heart in between and the hunter became hunted? Part 3 can be interesting!

Great start and middle. I can tell that this will be special. Thanks Sk742

Having so much wealth, having so much success, having so much everything.....Wow, life is really hard for the rich. 🤣

Hello. I enjoyed part I of this story, but this part not as much. The reason is that it is so choppy, with short 2 sentence paragraphs, and presents itself almost as a chronological bullet list of unimportant activities that dont really move the story. And the stuff that readers are interested in, the emotions and conflict among Heather and the mother, those are almost an afterthought. There is almost no meaningful dialogue between those characters. Just a couple of dryly phrased emotionless sentences. Meanwhile, we have Jennifer who has little depth as a character and just travels back and forth from LA to SFO and works on her MBA. This "relationship" is moving slowly. They don't even have sex till the last couple sentences. So I guess I am saying the emotion is missing here, and there's not much dialogue or action to make up for that. Also, I believe this story is mis-categorized, and should be under "romance" - seems that there is nothing really to place this into the LW category. Thanks for the efforts in any case.

The "composition" aspect of your writing is good, meets Writer's Workshop quality and expectations. Sequencing of the unfolding plot was logically developed but left me feeling rather "blah"; I had no feeling of suspense--nor anticipation of major moves in career action, and certainly not any real eroticism in the couple's sexual interaction.

The underlying premise of this story contains considerable opportunity for developing "conflict" both in the business strand and in the interpersonal relationships between the MC, his mother, his ex-fiancée, potentially between the Prentis company and the Los A company, and even with the new fiancée, Jennifer. It would be great to see SOMETHING happening other than a plodding recitation of..."well, then this happened...".

Reading back over my comments, they seem more negative than I intended. The story is "ok". With some greater character development and intrigue it could be quite good.

Thanks for sharing your creativity. Please keep writing.

MLJ

I like this series. Waiting for the next chapter.

YAWN inducing, what the fuck was the point of this chapter?

Very dry. I don't feel like I know any of the characters.

Very cute and romantic. Where's the wife? This story should be in Romance, not Loving Wives.\

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And your writing style is equally inappropriate. Way Too Wordy and detailed, distracting from the plot and the rhythm of the story. The details of the romance are incongruous with the details of the research and his relationship with his mother and father's families. Its two parallel but different stories with unrelated plots. Some of the same people, but there is no dramatic or emotional connection between the chemical business and the budding romance. So the details of the one story distracts from focusing on the other story. The chemical business plot is kind of interesting.

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The romance is just noise in the background, unless it is revealed that Tom's mother fucked around with Jennifer's father and that Tom and Jennifer are really half brother and sister. But I suspect you have other ideas. I will wait to read about Heather's product crashing, Tom's mother throwing Heather under the bus and trying to steal Tom's product, and eventually Heather becoming Tom and Jennifer's nanny, or something equally humiliating.

Very calm, pleasant, relaxing chapter. It’s time for Mom to show her true colors and try to blow things up.

I liked it so far. I think it has potential and hope it becomes a battle of sorts with the mother and son colliding. Naturally since the mother has no class I hope the son wins the clash....

“Beat red”?

And everything is just perfect for the MC, and we get to read about how great this douche get to live life. Introduce some conflict, betrayal, something that will keep us from nodding off to sleep.

getting boring ,,, 4*

Is Jennifer studying for her MBA?

Too much minutiae and not enough progress through the story.

I liked it well enough to hope for a part 3. 4****

sbrooks103x

"My mother's secretary called me to let me know that she would be available for dinner tonight." - His mother has her secretary call?! - He called the secretary to have her check with his mother. Apparently his mother had the secretary make a reservation, so why not call him too.

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He says he still loves Heather, but he's obviously falling in love with Jennifer. - At least you did READ that part of the story.

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I don't see why he has to wait for the company to recoup its investment before he starts getting a percentage. They may be funding the rest of the development, but he's providing all of his research. - He didn't have any out of pocket money. It wasn't your choice or your story.

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Nit pick, so it doesn't matter!

The story's okay but you need to think about how you structure your writing as it reads like a text message. Way too many un-needed full stops which doesn't let the writing flow and makes it hard to read.

WOW This has become very BORING

4 Stars as I also think that Jennifer is a spy .. I Have asked my wife about the MBA she got she said it was a real pain in the Butt . But her boyfriend at the time helped her a lot . My wife is into Math and I have been to her company's parties . Me and Paul hang out at the Bar trying to see who the hottest newbie is . Yes we can look but No Touching . We said the same to the wives look all you want But No Touching . And No Paul and I have no idea what they talk about . I think we like it that way ?

I baled on page 2 where he tells Jennifer to bring 2 bottles of wine to their trip to wine country. Really, bring wine when you are touring vineyards in some of the greatest terroir on earth? Ok, that makes as much sense as the rest of this dull recitation of who did what when.

Was Heather really only passionate about her work? Somehow it is doubtful and very suspicious... If she indulged and approved of Thomas's very strange relationship with Jennifer, then she could hardly deny herself a young and handsome personal assistant - in order to be able to enjoy and have sex right in the laboratory when there was a sudden breakthrough in research. This would explain the coldness in her relationship with Thomas, and the late returns/overnight stays at work, and the loyal attitude towards Jennifer.

It's all flights and trips... And what is the intrigue? Thomas is strange, very strange. Heather, she fucked him at least sometimes, but he considered this relationship hopeless. Jennifer only teases him, but does not give him the full program, and he buys a house for her... Thomas is a moron! To teach a fool is only to spoil it...

Finish the story,gee da get bored..

Far too sterile of a story. Where’s the passion, suspense, or intrigue?

Absolutely love it, can’t wait for next chapter.

This is a very well written "meh" chapter. I think this writer is good with dialogue and character development. The characters are likeable and feel real. The plotlines make sense in this world. Only noticeable editing error is misnaming atty Ted with "Tom" on several occasions, but that is not enough to downgrade the overall rating. The problem, and it really is a huge one for me, is that this chapter is pretty much lacking conflict. Conflict, and the resolution of conflict, is storywriting 101. This is a pleasant recitation of a happy couple, that nothing happens to. This puts me in mind of the opposite of the ancient Chinese curse: "May you live in interesting times." "Interesting" is rarely fun for those experiencing it. So, with all this writing skill, I am hoping to see a conflict(s) introduced that are then resolved. I know many readers want smoothly tied-up stories, w/ all details resolved, but a documentary recitation of a happy couple succeeding in life is not good storytelling. As noted, this writer has an excellent writing style in my opinion. Just needs conflict in the storyline that needs to be resolved.

A lot of words but little action, characters are good, plot was good but doesn’t seem to be going anywhere

An awful lot of effort went into this story. And, I like i. However, it contains too much minutiae and that was distracting. Thanks.

It seems like the main character is as controlling and manipulative as his mother. All that hiding things from his girlfriend and making up lies on the spot are big red flags.