Christmas

Scarlett was overwhelmed by her feelings, she was heartbroken after breaking up with Shane and then finding out her flatmate Dom who had declared feelings for her had actually slept with another flatmate while Scarlett was away.

The 4 weeks to the Christmas holidays were slow and painful. Scarlett tried to concentrate on her studies but she couldn't sleep, she had no appetite and she felt sick all the time.

To her flatmates, she was trying to deal with her breakup and they rallied round her. Dom went into overdrive, taking extra care with Scarlett and the other two female flatmates, cooking for them, taking them to the beach or the forest for walks. Bea was falling head over heels for him because of it and Scarlett didn't want to ruin her friendship so she tried to be happy for her.

Scarlett arrived home for Christmas with a suitcase full of text books to read and work to do to keep her mind occupied. But she started getting text messages from her friends who'd become mutual friends with Shane during their relationship. They were wishing her and Shane a Merry Christmas, asking what they were doing to celebrate together, inviting them to a New Year's Eve party. Scarlett was confused but she didn't reply and instead phoned Shane.

He answered the phone as if they'd last spoken to each other earlier that day, his voice was warm and she felt a pang of longing. "Hi Scarlett, how's it going?" he asked. Scarlett tried to gather herself.

"Eh. Hi. I am just wondering, did you not tell anyone we've broken up? I'm getting text messages for the both of us so it's just a bit... weird." she said.

"Ehmmm...I dunno, I mustn't have. I mean if they're from your friends then..." he snorted.

Scarlett sighed. "My friends who you've made your friends who you see more than I do, who you spend most of your time out drinking with!" she said, frustrated.

"Well, what's to tell? it's not really the sort of conversations we have. Anyway, I have souvenirs for you from New Zealand and there's a bunch of your stuff still at mine." he said.

"Just keep it, I've gone this last 3 months without it so I haven't needed it. Chuck it or burn it or whatever you want, I don't really care Shane. " Scarlett sighed.

"Well, no, I'm not going to do that. I was going to suggest we could meet up and I could give it back to you?" he asked, softly.

"Why are you so insistent, Shane? Why can't you just leave it alone? I shouldn't have even phoned you, I should've just texted them all back and told them they were welcome to their drinking buddy." she said, berating herself but couldn't hang up.

"Come on, Scarl. We went from practically living together to living in different countries overnight. You might not think it cos I'm not very emotional but believe it or not I really miss you and it's been really hard for me too." he said softly, his voice breaking.

"Right...well..." Scarlett debated with herself what to do. "I'm going into the city centre tomorrow to get a few gifts so I suppose I could collect my stuff from you. Are you working tomorrow?" she asked, firmly.

"Yeah, I finish at 3pm" Shane replied.

"Ok, I'll meet you outside the train station at 3pm then?" she asked. He agreed and she hung up.

The next day Scarlett spent the day battling through the hoards of Christmas shoppers to buy last minute gifts, she was tired and hungry and couldn't wait to get home. She bought herself a bottle of wine on the way to the train station, getting there just before 3pm. She checked the timetable and waited by the door where Shane would arrive from work. A few minutes later she felt an arm round her waist and turned round quickly to see Shane beside her. She moved out of his reach. "Oh, hi" Scarlett said, looking around and realising he only had his cloth bag with him. "So where's all my stuff?" she asked.

"Oh, hi Shane, how are you?" Shane mocked. Scarlett just looked at him. He looked awkward. "Sorry, I was in a rush this morning and left the house without it." he said, pursing his lips in a closed- mouth smile.

Scarlett scowled and shook her head "Is your phone broken? you could've texted or phoned me so I didn't have to hang around all day!"

Shane shrugged and laughed nervously "OK, calm down. We can go now and get it" he said, signalling to the taxi rank outside the station.

Scarlett stood still, looking at him, thinking. She knew he'd done this on purpose, he was playing games again. The problem she had was that seeing him in person, hearing his voice, feeling him put his arm around her and smelling his cologne had the worst effect on her. She missed him so much. From a distance, she could convince herself she hated him, she knew she still had strong feelings for him and she couldn't just switch them off but it would take time and she could manage it. Now, with him in front of her and even knowing he was playing some stupid game, she desperately wanted to feel the comfort of his warm hand holding hers, his arm around her, his mouth kissing hers and she knew it was wrong and she was just playing into his act but she couldn't help but pacify her vulnerability.

Shane was standing holding open the taxi door, waiting for her. Scarlett reluctantly followed him out and got into the taxi. The journey took only about 5 mins, they didn't speak and Scarlett thought to ask the taxi driver to wait while she collected her belongings but instead she said nothing, Shane paid the driver and the taxi left. She waited on the pavement as Shane walked up the path and opened the front door, turning to her and smiling "Alright? come in!" he said.

Scarlett walked up the path slowly and stepped into the porch. "You'd think you'd never been here before!" Shane laughed, guiding her by the elbow into the hallway and closing the front door. He walked past her into the living room, put down his bag and went into the kitchen. Scarlett heard him filling the kettle up with water "Cuppa tea?" he called to her where she stood on the threshold of the living room.

Scarlett frowned to herself "I'm ok, I just want to get my stuff." she said, trying to sound convincing.

Shane came back into the living room, seeing her standing in the hallway. "Sit down, for God's sake Scarlett!" he chuckled, approaching her and rubbing his hands up and down the sides of her arms.

"I just want to get my stuff, Shane" she repeated, coldly. Stepping further back into the hallway, pulling away from him.

"Ok..." he said, brushing past her and going upstairs. He stopped halfway and turned back to her "... come on!"

Scarlett hesitated before climbing the stairs behind him. When she got to the top he was already in his room moving things about. "Sorry about the mess" Shane said with an embarrassed laugh.

Scarlett walked into his room and shook her head, it was the worst she had ever seen it. His rucksack lay, half unpacked against the wall, there were cups and plates with remnants of food dotted around the floor, worn clothes piled up in the corner, the curtains were closed, the bin was overflowing, there was rubbish and dirty laundry strewn all over the floor. Scarlett stood by the door and watched him rummaging around the room.

"So... you didn't forget it, you haven't even got it sorted out so you don't know what of mine you even have?!" she said sharply.

"I know there's some of your clothes in that wardrobe," he said, not stopping what he was doing and pointing to the wardrobe on the other side of the room.

Scarlett made her way round the bed, careful of her step, to the wardrobe. She noticed on the mantel piece above the fireplace in front of the mirror it was covered in hair. "Have you been shaving here?" she asked.

"Eh. Yeah." he replied. He was looking through his rucksack. Scarlett opened the wardrobe to find her blazer and 2 t-shirts hanging where she'd left them 3 months ago. "Ah ha! Found them!" said Shane, pulling a plastic bag from his rucksack. Scarlett turned round, surveying the room and sighed.

"Shane, I'm not judging you but HOW are you living like this?" she asked.

"Well, you ARE judging me cos that's what you do! Just because it's not up to your standard!" he said sharply, turning round and looking her in the eye. "It's just been busy, since I got back from New Zealand" he shrugged, looking embarrassed.

"It's been so busy for 6 weeks that you haven't cleaned your room, since I left by the looks of it." she said, gesturing around the room. "So you might think I'm demanding and have high standards but there are teenage boys with cleaner rooms, Shane!"

He looked down at the ground "I just wanted to give you your souvenirs and show you some photos of my trip, Scarlett. You're not my mum!" he said, quietly.

"No, but I am a bit concerned!" she replied, exasperated. "If you knew your room looked like this then why did you bring me up? and if we were 'still together' would it be ok to have not seen each other in 3 months and expect me to sleep in here with you? How do you not have mice? It smells dreadful and those bed clothes are the same ones we put on in September before I left! Have you not changed your bed clothes?! SHANE!" Scarlett's disappointed tone made Shane shift from foot to foot, smile nervously and shrug.

"I don't really have an excuse, just lazy I suppose. It's not like there's been anyone else here so no reason to keep it... decent." he shrugged again and sighed.

"YOU are a reason to keep it clean and tidy, it's your room. Also, out of respect for the landlady." Scarlett said softly, realising he was really struggling and maybe had shown her as a way to say it without actually saying it. "Would you like help to sort it out?" Scarlett asked.

Shane nodded "Yes, please." he smiled awkwardly. "Where do we start though?" he asked.

"Well, I'm going to boss you about and you're going to do it because I'm NOT cleaning this up for you." Scarlett said firmly but smiling at him. She went out to the landing, finally took off her coat and put down her shopping bags. Back in Shane's room she directed him to lift all the crockery and take it downstairs to soak in the sink, bring back a roll of black bin liners and begin sorting the rubbish. She opened the curtains and windows and carried on directing Shane: strip the bed, take all the dirty laundry downstairs and start putting loads through the washing machine, hang up any clean clothes, put all his belongings away, close the drawers and cupboards, wipe and dust all the surfaces, hoover the carpet and spray some air freshener.

Shane was exhausted, he breathed heavily and wiped sweat from his brow but he didn't complain or refuse. Once everything in the room was finished, she told him to have a shower and change his clothes while she washed and dried the dishes. Then she helped him hang another load of laundry to dry. While they worked, he told her stories from his trip to New Zealand. It was 6:30pm by the time they were finished. They decided to get a takeaway and eat together while he showed his photos and Scarlett told him about uni.

"Thanks for all your help and... guidance?... today... bossy boots!" Shane said as he stuck his tongue out at her but she just looked at him. "I didn't realise how bad it looked so really, thanks" he cleared his throat.

Scarlett shrugged "No problem, just remember it next time you go to accuse me of not being a proper adult with a proper job and responsibilities," she said, firmly, looking him in the eye.

He stopped eating and sat back in his chair, looking at her. "Bit of a low blow there, babe...I MEAN, Scarlett" he cringed, nervously.

"Look, Shane, I don't know how or why we got into this pattern, like some competition to try and out smart each other by seeing who can be the most hurtful. But it still hurts. I can't switch off my feelings, I still think about you and wonder how you are and if you're having a good day at work and whatever. I can't just stop my feelings and even if I could, I still care about you. You might get on like you're fine and you don't care but judging by the way you had to 'trick' me to get me here and the state your room was in, you haven't been." Scarlett said.

Shane sighed, took off his glasses and set them on the table, looking down at his hands. "Yeah, pretty much. That's a bit embarrassing, isn't it" he laughed, embarrassed and looked up at her. Her face was soft, her eyes were kind and she smiled with her lips pursed. He cleared his throat again "I really miss you Scarlett. I know we can't go back, I don't know what to change, it's water under the bridge now but when I saw you today I just wished things were different." he reached across the table and held her hand, stroking the top of it with his thumb. She squeezed his hand and smiled at him but then let go and lifted her cutlery and carried on eating her food. "My mum gets here tomorrow, she's coming to stay for Christmas if you want to meet her?" Shane asked.

"Hi, I'm your son's ex- girlfriend" Scarlett mocked "Nah, I don't think so. No offence to your mum but you literally just used me to clean your room because your actual mum is coming to stay. You're a fucking laugh, Shane!" Scarlett laughed in disbelief. "THAT'S the problem with us, we never actually tell each other honestly how we're feeling. Right, well, shall I help you put clean bed clothes on?" she said, standing up from the table and walking out though the living room.

He put his glasses on and followed her upstairs. "That's not it, really Scarl." he said as they got to the top. "I have missed your company and I did need help and it just so happens that my mum is arriving tomorrow so..." Shane said, sounding desperate.

"Uh huh, I can read you like a book." interrupted Scarlett, laughing. "Hurry up, where is the clean bedding, I haven't got all night." They made up the bed, closed the windows and curtains and Scarlett looked around "There, now, don't you feel much better? Won't you sleep like a baby tonight in your nice clean room?" she said, feeling proud of herself.

Shane laughed "Eh. Yeah. Thanks." he said as she hugged him. He clasped her chose to him. "Do you want to have a drink... actually I'm not sure there's any left... eh...cup of tea?" he asked.

Scarlett let go and stood back putting her coat on. "No, thanks. I need to get home." she said, nodding towards her shopping bags and looking at her watch "I was hoping to make the 8pm bus but..."

"Stay" Shane said softly, moving closer to her and putting his hands on her hips. She stepped back away from him.

"No, Shane. I was about to say that I'll make the train." Scarlett said, lifting her shopping bags and looking through her purse for change. "Although it's what you want, I don't think it's a good idea."

He nodded, disappointed. "Ok. I'll see you to the door then." he said, following her to the front door and watching as she walked down the path.

She turned to wave goodbye. "Bye, Scarl. Text me when you get home... and Merry Christmas" he shouted but she was already half way across the road into the next street.

Scarlett was satisfied with how it had been left, she still felt heartbroken but she secretly felt a bit better knowing he felt lost too. A bit of her also felt weaker, knowing he was there and the option was available. She tried to put it to the back of her mind and enjoyed Christmas. She didn't even reply to his text messages on Christmas Day and felt a bit guilty but also stronger for it. Maybe she was turning a corner, she thought.