Coconut 01

Coconut 01

Hey everyone, I'm known as Coconut, which comes from back in the day when I needed a moisturizer and as soon as I tried out a tube of coco butter lotion, well, I really liked smelling like I just came from a tropical beach, so I stuck with it. Now, I don't prance around in a bikini or anything, but with my legs, I'm not afraid to wear tiny shorts, which would fit in at the beach. I'm also not afraid to wear tiny shorts because of my other tiny issue, but sometimes things just work out for the best at the end of the day, right?

Um, I really like wearing crazy thigh high socks, my hair is dark and short with two red streaks and I'm all about body decals, like temp tattoos, although they don't stick very well to the places where I apply my coco butter lotion, so don't be surprised if you catch a glimpse of tiger paw decals winding their way around my side and across my belly. I also wear fingerless glove sleeves during the daylight hours, like the fishnet variety. I don't have a lot of forearm hair and it's not very dark, but it's there and slightly visible and no one on Chang recommends shaving of the forearms, so I deal with that with the sleeve gloves, I guess.

Now, I'm not much for sex, but I am curious about a few things, so although I may not just lay down with you, I might be willing to engage with you if and when things might go "bump" in the night. I mean, I'll keep you posted on how that goes, you know, if and when, right? Oh, and the cry baby boys in the locker room back in the day who just had to have their shoulders rubbed down with my coca butter lotion don't count, LOL, but it was nice to have someone behave like butter in my hands once in a while, so. Well, like twice, I guess.

So, I guess I'm saying that I cherish being a sweetly scented virgin in the biblical sense, which is very important to me, but I have shared my lotion a couple of times. LOL, with cry baby boys.

In my favor, the coconut scent has been drifting off of my body for so long now that I'm well past some people turning their backs on me. All that judgmental time is in the rear view and now I'm just Coconut to everyone that I have known since back in the day. I mean, I'm still excluded from stuff for sure, but things have smoothed themselves out and I seem to have a decent balance in my life.

But I do have one complaint. I mean, I keep it to myself, but there is one "thing" that I'm left out of a few times a month, but luckily for me, my neighbor Richard, can't stop me from chit chatting with his friends from over the backyard fence or from my front porch. And Richard is in the wrong, by the way, but it's always up to the funny one to keep the peace, so I make do with what life gives me. Oh, and Richard is in the wrong because, well, I mean, at one of Richard's mixers, Tyler was crying about his injured elbow and I guess Richard didn't like the medical attention that I was giving to Tyler's elbow. But in my defense, I was just following Tyler's instructions, so.

Anyways, now I just keep the peace by chit chatting from a distance, but I have had the good fortune of the crew finding their way to me, so things are pretty cool, for the most part. I mean, it's not like I use ice tea to lure anyone towards me or anything, but when you flash around cold ice tea and the drifting scent of coco butter, well, I win. I mean, I win a few anyways. I mean, Richard would never step foot in my house and Tyler has an issue with taking me out on a real date, but I won with Kayla, who quickly learned to appreciate my house keeping skills. LOL, unlike Richard's, my bathroom is clean.

Oh, and no, Kayla and I will never go "bump" in the night, but she is always welcome inside of my place.

And sometimes I don't even know that she's there, like when my gaze is fixed out of the kitchen window as I watch what's going on next door. I mean, as I prepare a pitcher of ice tea. In front of the kitchen window.

[Clink, stir, clink, stir, clank, stir]

"(Look at that SOB Dillion, just standing next door and smirking back my way.)"

[Clink, swirl, stir, clink, swirl, stir, clank, stir, clink]

"(The nerve of Dillion to ask me to drink his coconut milk!)"

[Clink, swirl, stir, clink, swirl, stir, clank, stir, clink]

[Boots clumping, clump, clump, clump, clump, clump, clump]

"Thanks for letting me use your bathroom, Coconut. I mean, I guess you really are all about the scent of coconuts then. So, what's so interesting outside of your kitchen window then, huh?"

[Stirring ice tea that doesn't need to be stirred like a crazy CD]

"What, huh, Kayla?"

[Swirl, swirl, swirl, swirl, clank, clink, clank, clank, clink]

"I asked you if you listened to me pee, Coconut, so?"

[Clank, clink, stir, stir, stir, swirl, swirl, clink, clank, cringle]

"Ah, I mean, yeah, sure, I mean no, I mean, wait, what, Kayla?"

[Clank, clink, stir, stir, stir, swirl, swirl, clink, clank]

"I mean, is there something that you like just outside the window then, Coconut, hm-mmm?"

"Oh, I mean, well, it's just that Dillion was extremely forward with me earlier when I asked the guys if they wanted an ice tea "to go" for their trip, Kayla, so."

[Swirl, clink, stir, clank, cringle, clank, clank]

"I mean, he asked me if he could sneak over here later when they return from the parts swap meet and I just don't know what to do with that because I think he wants to, well, I'm pretty sure that Dillion wants me to, well, he was very forward about where his coconut milk should go, so."

[Crack, cringle, stir, clink, crack, crack, cringle, crack, cringle, stir]

"OK then, Coconut, so let me just take the metal kitchen stirring spoon from you before there is a glass pitcher mess to clean up here then. Anyways, you and Dillion have some weird thing going on anyways, so what's the big deal then? I mean, it's none of my business, but haven't you sipped a little coconut milk before, hm-mmm? Besides, for all of your grumblings, you sure seem to be quite prepared to mix up and package several ice tea beverages "to go" here, so should I maybe have Dillion wander over and grab his ice tea? Or grab something else then? Hm-mmm? PS, also, here's a tip, the tip may look like a mushroom, but trust me, it will produce a lot of coconut milk, so keep a good suction about his straw then, Coconut."

"You're not helping, Kayla!"

"LOL, yes, I am, but we won't quibble [sip], Coconut, ahh, that's the best ice tea in town, sweetie."

Well, I mean, Kayla wasn't exactly correct and I'm only talking about being prepared to put together six ice tea beverages "to go" here and not her "keep a good suction about things" comments, but I did just so happen to have a home style "to go" cup package. I mean, everyone has such a kit on hand at home at all times, right? So, don't judge me for being totally prepared to make up six cold ice teas "to go" in paper cups with lids and straws, so.

[Pour, lid, straw, pour, lid, straw, pour, lid, straw, pour, lid, straw, pour, lid, straw, pour, lid, straw]

"Oh, I mean, Coconut, you've got quite the little assembly line going on here then."

"Well, it's like a half hour drive and all to the parts swap meet, Kayla, so."

"LOL, I thought Josh invited me to a "partner swap meet" when I agreed to tag along, LOL."

"Oh, so that's what up with the new jeans and boots then, Kayla?"

"Never mind all that, Coconut, but they are flattering as hell on me, right? Anyways, here comes your boyfriend, Dillion for his ice tea 'to go", so you know, I'm just going to slip back into the bathroom and ah, you know, listen in, so [slurp, slurp]."

[Boots walking, clump, clump, clump, clump, clump, clump, clump]

[Knock, knock]

"Well, I mean, what do you want now, Dillion? I already told you that I'm not that way and by the way, we're not alone in house, so watch yourself!"

[Mwah, ummah, smack, oomph, ow, mwah]

"Well, smacking lips and smacking my coconut in half from behind are two different things anyways, Dillion, so?"

"I mean, Coconut, I'm just here to help carry the beverages "to go" and you know, to see if you're ready to wrap your lips around my straw and pull out a helping of my coconut milk, so???"

"Hah! You'd love that, now wouldn't you, Dillion?"

I mean, it felt like Dillion had a nice size straw and all, but that didn't matter because I wasn't that way! Besides, it was 9am on a Saturday morning and everyone knows that nothing ever goes "bump" in the morning sun, so.

"Oh, well, you're worked up about something then, Coconut, so let's get with this before Richard starts yelling for us to pile into his fricking school bus of a SUV, so???"

"Oh, I mean, I'm not worked up because I was listening to Kayla pee or anything, so. Anyways, I'm sorry that you might have an uncomfortable ride to the parts swap meet, but I'm just not that way, Dillion."

"I mean, Coconut, if you're playing "hard to get", I mean, you could have picked another time when we have more time available to play little games then, so? Oh, oh, that feels so nice, Coconut."

"Oh, Dillion, I'm not the one is who playing games and I'm only trying to protect my front area from your coconut spitting machete and all, so maybe you should release your grip on me Dillion and at least allow me to breathe then, so????"

[Huff, huff, puff, wheeze, huff]

"Besides, Dillion, it's just barely 9am in the morning and everyone knows that things don't go "bump" in the mornings, so????"

"Well then, Coconut, let's just walk backwards into your bathroom and grab a tube of your famous coconut butter lotion and let's hear things go "squish" in the mornings and that will solve my upcoming uncomfortable ride to the parts swap meet then, so????"

I mean, no way, right? I mean, Kayla was still hiding out and listening from just inside the bathroom, so, LOL, so since when does someone have to knock on the bathroom door from the inside just to notify you that they are done and coming out then, LOL?

[Knock, knock, coming out]

"Oops, I mean, um, just let me slip on past the two of you and oops, I mean, well, you two are quite cozy and yeah, just let me slip past and I mean, well, I didn't know if I was supposed to break this up or not, so?"

[Beep, beep, beep, beep]

"Um, um, Dillion, it sounds like the crew is ready to roll, so, um, 30 seconds to say good bye and grab the remaining "to go" beverages, alright?"

[Kayla snatches some ice tea cups, swoosh, out the door]

"Oh no, don't you dare quote some stupid movie line, Dillion!"

[Mwah, ummah, smack, oomph, ow, mwah]

"I'll be back!"

[Snatch some ice tea cups, swoosh, out the door]

"Well, I mean, I won't answer the door later, Dillion because I'm not that way! Did you hear me, Dillion?"

[Vroom, vroom, vroom]

Not that was something I should have been yelling from the front porch or anything on such a fine Saturday morning and all.

But the morning attention wasn't the end of the world, LOL, even if all that attention just pokes you in the belly, right? Which is like a half of a "bump", right?

[Ping]

"Great, now Dillion is crying!"

[Ping]

"I'm not a boyfriend, Kayla!"

[Ping]

"Well, it's just coconut milk, Coconut."

[Whoop]

"I mean, that cash was for me, right Coconut?"

[Ping]

"Hush Kayla, hush money isn't hush money if you talk about it!"

I mean, it's not like I asked Kayla to hold off using the bathroom until she got into my neighborhood or anything, so. But I swear to you that I'm not a freak or something. I just like that coconut trees grow near waterfalls sometimes, so.

[Beep, beep]

"Well, Charlie, you just missed Richard and the crew by a few minutes, but you can probably catch them on the highway if you put your foot in it, so."

You know, more things I shouldn't have been yelling from the front porch, so.

"Well, I'm not going to parts swap meet. I'm headed to the Tractor Supply store with Stanley and Tyler is with me too, so?"

"Oh, I can see that Tyler is in your rear seat, but what does that have to do with me then?"

"Well, Tyler won't go into the tractor store and he's crying about riding alone in the back seat, so why don't you lock your front door and hop in the back seat, Coconut and keep Tyler company then?"

"Oh, and I've seen that meme before on Chang, right? Three dudes and one cross dresser in a SUV? Yeah, OK. I mean, it's not even 10am and I'm not that way, so."

LOL, you know, more things that I shouldn't have been yelling from my front porch!

"Ahh, come on, Coconut, I promise that I won't peek in the rearview mirror and Stan, well, Stan doesn't really like you, so he won't peek either, so?"

"Oh, you mean like the other meme on Chang where the CD breaks down and goes "bump" in the back seat with the cry baby while the driver videos it from the front through the rearview mirror and then the shotgun rider can't help but to pull it out and whack off then?"

"Well, maybe I need to check out more things on Chang then, so are you "bumping", I mean, coming or what, Coconut?"

Oh, I guess I was way past yelling across the yard and all, so. I also didn't lock the front door because there was no way in hell that I was getting into a SUV with three guys, but I did stroll to Charlie's SUV to make nice and I leaned forward into the rear window so that I could talk to Tyler. LOL, and to give Stan a good look at me from his side mirror.

"Well, you don't look all that boo-hoo to me, Tyler, so?"

"Oh, I mean, I'm all boo-hoo, Coconut, so jump and keep me company while these farmers shop around the tractor store, alright? Also, damn, you really do smell good."

[Leans over even further to enhance the silhouette for Stan's viewing]

"Hah! I have a boyfriend now, you know!"

"BS, you got jack, Coconut!"

"No, Jack dumped me as soon as he realized that I'm not that way. Anyways, smack me on the lips and look at the directly at the mirror while doing it then, Tyler."

"Ah, no, that kissy face stuff is just gay, I mean, boo-hoo, Coconut, boo-hoo."

LOL, like I couldn't tell through the side mirror that I had Stan's attention.

"Oh, and having me coat your cock with coco butter lotion isn't gay then, Tyler?"

"Well, I mean, your hands would be out of the camera range, so? Also, are you going to do that because I didn't ask for that, but I'll take that, Coconut, so?"

"Sorry, Tyler, but I made that meme! Anyways, switching gears, Stan, are you enjoying the view through your side mirror then?"

[Stan continues to peek into the mirror]

"Well, my eyes are front Coconut and by the way, you've never heard me say that I don't care for you! It's just that your list of haters on Chang was light and dumb ass Charlie added my name to it, so."

[Lifts head and glances rearward to acknowledge Coconut]

"(Damn, who would hate that body then?)"

"Excuse me, Stan? Are you mumbling or something?"

"I said, I hate that there are so many mean memes on Chang about your type, so. Also, just what is your type then, Coconut? I mean, what are you then?"

"Oh, I mean, I'm not a boyfriend and I'm not a girlfriend, so."

"So, you're a cock tease then, right Coconut?"

Well, hells bells, right? I liked Stan better when I thought he hated me and just stared at me through the side mirror, so.

"Well, we don't have to get mean about things, Stan. By the way, didn't you just say that your eyes were front then? Also, you should take back what you just said, Stan! I'm just Coconut, so."

I mean, cross dressers and Tranny's are used to be called all kinds of names, but they should come from the people that have seemingly accepted you and believe me, I didn't like being called that! I mean, maybe it was true, but still, right?

"Fine, I'm sorry, Coconut and there's nothing wrong with you running around in such tiny shorts all the time and not following up with anything, so, blah, blah, blah, I'm sorry."

Well, I mean at least Stanley didn't add a fourth "blah", so I was willing to accept his apology, LOL, my way by stealing the moment through the passenger window.

[Smack]

[Smooch, smack]

[Smack]

"Hey, Coconut, watch it with all the lip smacking. I said that I was sorry, so."

Well, I couldn't stop then because I clearly had Tyler on the ropes for his "kissing is gay" comment, so.

[Smack, smooch, mwah]

[Mwah, ga, ga, ga, ummah, ummah, ow, ow, oof, oof, oomph, oomph, mwah, ga, ga, ga]

[Smack]

LOL, bitched might be crazy, but guys who are stunned are just as entertaining, LOL.

"Well, I guess you guys had better get to tractor supply store before they sell out of tractor tires then and by the way, Tyler, you might notice that Stan didn't die from playing tongue tag, so?"

"Ah, ag, oh, um, I mean, oh."

"You're a fool, Tyler. Anyways, take a big whiff of my coconut scent, Stan and be on your way then."

[Offers neckline through the window, sniff, sniff, inhale, sniff]

"Need some lotion back there yet, Tyler, LOL? Also, Stanley, that's exactly how a man should lip smack back with a funny boy, so when I'm that way, well, maybe I'll be that way with you then."

[Smack, smack, super smooch]

I mean, I just wanted Stanley to say something, right?

"I mean, um, I mean, you're having a mixer tonight, right Coconut?"

Oh, and as for Charlie in the driver's seat, yep, his camera phone was working overtime! But I was not the one caught on video grabbing my crotch, so.

"Sorry, Stanley, but now I have to sit around in just my undies and sports bra and create memes about horny guys, SUV's and the one queer boy who wouldn't crawl into the back seat and lather up poor ole Tyler with thick coco butter lotion. Besides, I've never hosted a mixer before so I didn't know jack about how to host a mixer and I already said that Jack dumped me last Spring, so I won't be hosting any mixer tonight, so."

"I mean, well, I'm a little uncomfortable now, so?"

"Oh, that's just parr for the course today then. I mean, Dillion is right now having an uncomfortable ride to the parts swap meet and then a mere 30 minutes later, well, here you are, lip smacking your way into an uncomfortable ride to the farmer's store, so the stars must be in alignment then."

Oh snap, wait a minute, I mean, snap, maybe I am just a cock tease then! LOL.

"So, Coconut, you're saying that you're a little worked then?"

"Well, it's not because my Hush Money Girlfriend has been texting me to tell me that she's coming by later with her friend, Kendra, so."

I mean, it was Kayla's idea, not mine, so I'm innocent here!

"Now, you guys just run along then, I mean, unless Tyler wants me to run into my house and grab, you know, a travel size tube of coco butter lotion or something, so? You know, right? The little itty-bitty tube, LOL."

LOL, yeah, I was done with the teasing for the day, so I shoved the three of them off and you know, day dreamed about what kind of meme I could create. Something like a Tranny stripped down to his undies and wiggling his way around a back seat with a scene setter that implied that the back seat rider was going to get a sloppy blow job, while wiggling his bottom in between the front bucket seats and of course, with the driver operating the video camera. Or something like that.

[Ping]

"WTF, Coconut?"

[Ping]

"More info, Dillion."

[Ping]

"Social media says that you're having a mixer tonight!"

[Ping]

"Well, that's just wrong, so stay away, Dillion."

[Ping]

"Well, what's Hush Money Girlfriend then?"

[Ping]

"Beats me, OK, I'm off to the store then, bye."

Well, shame on Tyler or Stanley or Charlie for posting such a thing, right? Anyways, I wasn't actually old enough to buy beer, so what kind of mixer could I actually throw then, right?

End Coconut 01