Cold Comfort

Mike looked regretful but told me "I wish I could take you up on the offer, but I just don't have the vacation hours."

I'd already heard variations from most of the others. Valentine's week isn't the usual time for a winter vacation, but I'd have thought that an offer of a free stay at my family's Tahoe cabin would have had some takers.

Our lunchtime group was the nucleus of our company's unofficial outdoor club. Not that I knew everyone well, but I wouldn't have known most of them as more than a face in the hallway if we hadn't started getting together regularly at lunch to plan weekend activities. We didn't organize something every weekend, sometimes not even every month, but over the last couple of years we'd done quite a few hikes, volunteered for beach cleanups, gone white water rafting, and tried a Napa balloon excursion. We'd never done any winter sports, though, and I'd hoped for some company.

"Will you still go without us? It seems like it'd be a lot less fun by yourself. Lonely."

I shrugged. "You're right. I'd originally planned to go with Patricia, but that's out."

Mike winced. Our breakup a few months earlier had been mostly amicable, but still rough. I'd avoided talking about it, but people noticed that I hadn't dipped my toe into the dating pool since.

I gave a rueful grin "Yeah, I know. But I'd already asked for the time off, so I'm going anyhow. I'm 'use it or lose' it on my vacation hours, and I really enjoy the area, summer or winter. Yeah, it'll be a bit lonely by myself, but I'll still have a good time. I won't bother renting downhill skis or a snowboard if it's just me, but I've got snowshoes and cross country skis at the cabin. So hike, snowshoe, cross-country ski, maybe just sit by the fire listening to music and reading. Or run down to South Tahoe or Reno for a show."

I looked around the table "I'd just hoped that some of you might like to try it, too. We've got room for a dozen people without too much crowding; there's a couple of private bedrooms and a big bunk loft for the overflow. We've got several sets of loaner cross country skis and snowshoes, too."

"How hard is it to learn to snowshoe?" The familiar voice came from the other end of the table; even without looking I could tell it was Amanda, my favorite hiking buddy. And she sounded interested.

She was. Seriously. She had almost as much unused vacation time as I did, had never tried winter sports, or even (seriously?) seen snow, and she wanted to change that. It shouldn't have surprised me; Amanda was always enthusiastic about trying new things, and -- despite her diminutive size -- one of the few people I had to push myself to keep up with on a hike.

Amanda would be good company, even if I would have preferred a few more people to serve as a buffer. Not that I didn't like her. The problem was I could easily like her too much. I wasn't even certain she was aware how much she appealed to me. Certainly, she was very different physically from most of the women I'd dated, a slender little China doll of a woman rather than a buxom Amazon like Patricia or Wendy had been. She didn't dress to draw attention to her figure either. But she was cute, fit enough she could keep going all day, and her personality -- bright, caring, almost painfully honest, full of sly (and sometimes razor-sharp) humor, totally unwilling to take guff from anyone -- could have been custom-designed to draw my interest. If I were honest with myself, she would have been a far better match for me than Patricia. But we'd never been unattached at the same time, so I'd never asked her out, even though I certainly would have if we'd both been free.

But if we'd never dated, we were good enough friends that I knew that her disdain for cheaters mirrored my own; as long as one of us was in a relationship with someone else, trying for more wasn't an option that either of us would even consider. And we'd never had a time we were both free; I'd been with Wendy we met, then she'd been together with Tom, her current guy, then after Wendy and I split up I met Patricia.

So I'd enjoyed spending time with her without flirting or trying to make it something romantic -- I don't try to break up couples, and I refuse to cheat myself. This helped throw us together on outings -- several of the guys in the group seemed quite willing to do both, and she preferred to stay close to me. But despite the low-key nature of our friendship, or maybe because of the lack of pressure, she seemed to enjoy being around me too. Over time, we had built up brother-sister sort of relationship, with lots of back and forth teasing and friendly bickering.

This felt different, though; we'd never spent as much time alone together before, even though I was one of the few men she felt comfortable being alone with. I reminded myself it shouldn't be too awkward -- if she was coming for the week, I expected Tom would be along also. And it would be good to spend some time with her while I could; just before things with Pat fell apart she'd mentioned that she was considering moving "back home" - Hong Kong - when her current project wrapped up.

ooOoo

"I didn't expect it to be just the two of us; I thought you'd be bringing Tom with you!"

I kept my eyes on the road. It wasn't snowing hard, but steadily, and US 50 is curvy. At least Amanda had agreed that it made more sense to ride with me than drive up herself; even if she'd had any experience driving in the snow my SUV was a lot better equipped for the road conditions than her sedan.

"I didn't tell anyone at work, but we split up, not too long before you broke up with Pat." I couldn't see her face, but she didn't sound terribly upset about it.

I wasn't sure what to say, so kept it brief and neutral. "Oh. OK."

"You sound like you're avoiding landmines. Don't worry about it -- I'm not unhappy about it, I just didn't want to talk to anyone about how I felt, and I'm a lot better at hiding my emotions than you are at picking them up, Mr. Clueless!" I kept my mouth shut. At least her voice matched her words; she sounded cheerful, mildly amused, and tolerant of my obliviousness.

"Well, maybe I'm clueless. And distracted. But you're my friend; I still should have picked up it." I changed the subject. "At least I can give you a chance to enjoy the snow before you leave."

"About that ..." She sounded hesitant, and a bit embarrassed. "I'm not leaving."

I was surprised at how happy that made me. She must have been watching my face -- her voice was much warmer as she continued. "I was down, right after the split. I was unhappy with myself, even though I knew that I'd have been even more unhappy if I'd tried to stay with him. So I thought about going home to lick my wounds. If people asked why I looked unhappy it was easier to talk about leaving than talking about the breakup. But it was still a stupid idea, and I figured that out fast. My life, my friends, and most of my family are here - my brother's living down in LA, and my sister and her kids are in Austin. Even my parents are talking about coming here after they retire."

"So why'd you let us all continue thinking you were leaving?" I tried not to sound accusing -- I really hadn't been looking forward to her leaving.

She snapped out her reply; her voice was suddenly sharp, and a bit defensive. "Because I'd never said I was -- just that I was thinking about doing it!" It softened as she added "Sorry -- I didn't mean to sound like a bitch. I hadn't thought people were paying attention, or most of them would really care. And I didn't want to talk more about it -- I'd talked too much already, and was embarrassed that I'd been sulking like a teenager."

There was a long pause before she added: "But it does feel good to know you cared." Her voice had warmed again but was so soft I could barely make out the words.

I wasn't sure if her slight stress on "you" was real or my own wishful thinking. And right now I didn't know what to say; rather than answer, I contented myself with a nod of acknowledgment. It worked. Neither one of us spoke for a while, but the silence felt comfortable.

ooOoo

"That's your family's cabin?" Amanda sounded impressed.

I've always loved going there, but to me, it's just been "the cabin." I'd forgotten the effect the place has on first-time visitors. My grandparents had bought the land and started building nearly 60 years back, and it had been the center of family gatherings ever since. These days it's in a trust with my dad and uncle as trustees, and we all chip in as needed to keep it going. The main building had started out as a two-story A-frame, but we'd added on over the years; set on the edges of a forest meadow well back from the main road, it looked preposterously photogenic.

We weren't quite locals, but we had connections -- one of the things we chipped in on was to have the place checked regularly, and the access road plowed out after every storm. It looked like Don had been up yesterday; even so, I'd dropped into four-wheeled drive when I turned off the main road and took it low and slow. I don't think Amanda's Honda could have made it. I nosed into the parking shelter and turned off the engine.

"I'll give you the tour later -- let's get everything inside first." I plugged in the engine block heater and grabbed our luggage.

Her eyes had widened as we went back -- twice -- for boxes of supplies and the ice chest, but she'd pitched right in to help. She waited until the end to comment, though. "Wow -- you brought a lot of food! How much do you think the two of us can eat?"

I grinned. "In this weather, the closest decent market is 20 minutes away. It's pretty isolated -- even cell phone service here is kind of hit or miss, mostly miss. We'll finish off the fresh stuff this week, and any canned or dry food that we have left over can go into the pantry. Booze, too." I slid the last couple of wine bottles into the rack and turned to face her. "I think I promised you a tour?"

Except for the bathroom, the original cabin was all open -- kitchen along one wall, couches, chairs, and bookshelves wrapping around two more, a raised brick platform for the wood stove in the middle. A staircase in the corner led to the bunk room loft that hung over the front half of the main room.

By now, the fire I'd started in the wood stove had started to warm the place past the basic "not freezing" winter maintenance level, but heat rises; the loft was already comfortable. "This was the original sleeping area. We added the bedroom wing on later."

She took in the bunk beds on the front wall and the single bunks on the sides where the angle of the roof was lower. "I can see why -- it reminds me of older apartments in Hong Kong when I was a girl. No privacy!"

"That's what my grandparents thought. My dad and uncle spent most of one summer when they were in high school helping build the addition. The kids still love the loft, but it's mostly overflow for the rest of us. With only two of us, we both get a bedroom."

I led her back down the stairs and grabbed our luggage before leading her into the new section. "It's offset like this to avoid blocking the view from the main area. You can pick either bedroom -- they're the same size, and both have queen-sized beds. No private bath, I'm afraid -- they share the one between them."

She grinned at me and took her suitcase. "We all shared one bathroom when I was growing up. I think I can manage. Especially when it's all free."

"Hey, you promised to cook a couple of Chinese dinners -- with that and your company I'm coming out ahead."

ooOoo

Amanda kept me company as I finished setting things up; neither of us spoke much, but she lent a hand as I brought in more firewood, made sure the water pump and the rest of the plumbing were working and started filling the hot tub.

She was looking questions after the last, though, so I explained. "The porch is enclosed, but not heated. When we're here, with the circulation fans running, it stays above freezing -- those are triple pane windows, which helps. But you still need the blanket if you want to curl up on the couch, and need to cover the tub when we're not in it. Worth it, though -- soaking in the tub feels really good after a long day out in the snow. We have to drain it again before we leave, though."

"I'd wondered why you told me to bring a swimsuit."

I grinned. "When it's just me or my cousins, we don't bother. You're welcome to go without, too. But I wanted you to feel comfortable."

I felt like biting my tongue -- we didn't have that sort of relationship. Though I could easily wish we did. But I hadn't asked her up here on a date, and even an unintentional come-on felt a little sleazy when it was just the two of us. I knew she'd almost been date raped once, one of the reasons she was cautious about being alone with men she didn't trust, and here she was where she couldn't leave without my help or even call out.

My face was flaming as I started to stammer out an apology, but she grinned and waved it aside.

"You wish!" She blushed slightly as she said it, but didn't sound put out.

Still - "No, sorry. I didn't mean for it to come out sounding like that. My cousins and I usually don't bother with suits here or in the sauna when it's just us, but we don't expect our guests to do that. I brought a suit, and I think we have some loaners if you didn't bring yours."

"Drat! No free show!" But she was still smiling.

ooOoo

I managed to avoid any other conversational landmines as we finished setting up and made dinner. Tonight was mine, but I'd cheated a bit -- all I needed do was heat the venison chili and crusty bread I'd brought from home while Amanda put together a salad. We were both comfortably replete as we settled down close to the stove.

"So what's the plan?"

"Tomorrow? Or for the week? I thought we'd play it by ear -- outdoor things when the weather's nice, stay indoors and watch the snow falling when it's not. What would you like to do first?"

"You said you can teach me to snowshoe? And maybe cross-country ski? Where can I rent those?"

"No need -- I've got my own, but we've got loaners for guests. Though you're small enough that you'll probably need to use one of the kids' sets. You're about my oldest niece's size, I think. Size 5 shoes?"

Amanda muttered something under her breath.

"What was that?"

She looked embarrassed. "Sorry -- didn't mean to sound ungrateful. Yes, size 5 is right. I'm just a little tired of needing to shop the kid's section of the store to find things that fit. I'm not a kid, darn it!"

I couldn't hide my grin. "I never thought you were. A cute little pixie, maybe ..."

I've got good reflexes so I was almost able to dodge her thrown pillow. But Amanda didn't look too put out -- she was laughing at me.

ooOoo

After breakfast the next day I took her for a leisurely drive around the lake. It'd stopped snowing, so the visibility was excellent. Judging by Amanda's wide-eyed looks, she was suitably impressed. I didn't even mind the heavy weekend traffic near the resorts too much; Lake Tahoe is one of my favorite places in the world and I loved sharing it with an appreciative audience. But it did slow things down enough that even though I'd only stopped once, to buy gas, it was mid-afternoon by the time we got back to the cabin and dressed for the snow.

We'd settled on cross country skiing lessons first, and keeping it on the local trails. Even though it's not really all that close to the "cross-country ski" machines she'd used in the gym, she was a quick study -- after just half an hour of practice, I led her away from the cabin.

Amanda's a natural athlete, and almost ridiculously fit; hiking, I sometimes have to push myself to keep up. But it was her first time on skis, and I've been skiing these trails as long as I can remember. I suspected that with a few days practice she'd be pushing me here, too, and looked forward to it, but that would only happen if she enjoyed her first time. So I picked a favorite route from when I was a kid and set an easy pace.

She loved it. She'd enjoyed the sights from our loop around the lake, but this was her first chance to see the winter forest up close without distractions. The look of wonder on her face was priceless; though I loved this area more than anywhere else I'd ever been, to me it was familiar and homey. I hadn't stopped to realize how exotic she'd find this. I led her through our meadow, skirted the leafless white columns of the aspen grove, and off of our property onto the shared-use trail through the pines.

I called a halt after a couple more miles -- love it or not, I could see Amanda was starting to struggle a bit. She looked embarrassed but grateful. I don't think she'd believed my warning about how much energy it takes, and the effects of altitude -- even though the trails near our cabin are relatively flat, she was working a lot harder than she realized.

She wiped the sweat off her forehead before speaking. "I didn't think I was this much out of shape!"

"You're not. You're doing great, really. You're still learning, but you covered three miles at a faster pace than we usually hike. And the elevation here's over 6500 feet -- lots less oxygen than you're used to. Do this regularly and you'll have me working hard to keep up, just like usual."

She gave a dazzling grin. "I'd like that!" Unprompted, my answering grin was just as wide.

I gave her a little more time to recover before starting back. Not that she noticed -- she was too busy drinking in the view -- the lake to our east past the line of the highway, the abrupt wall of the mountains to our west. Her face was glowing as she took it all in.

I shook myself when I realized I had been watching her just as intently; fortunately, she'd been too absorbed to notice. I coughed to get her attention. "Amanda? The sun will be behind the mountains in another hour -- we need to head back." Hopefully, she'd blame my reddened cheeks on the cold.

ooOoo

Natural athlete or not, Amanda was moving a little stiffly by the time we finished our dinner.

"Go put on your swimsuit. The hot tub's ready, and you look like a soak would do you good. There are bathrobes and towels in the hall closet. I'll join you once I finish cleaning up."

I hadn't made too big a mess cooking, so it didn't take too long to put things to rights, but she was already in the tub when I arrived.

I'd brought our wine glasses and the open bottle with me to the tub. She nodded her acceptance, so I refilled her glass and held it out. I blinked as she rose to accept it; rather than the one-piece, I'd rather expected I realized Amanda was wearing a bikini. And filling it well.

I'd already admitted it to myself: I was falling -- had fallen -- for Amanda. Hard. Even though I wasn't even certain she saw me or could see me the same way. Like me? Sure. But she'd never given any clear sign she saw me as more than a friend. And for a long time, that's how I'd seen her. Wanting more had snuck up on me slowly, building from our friendship and common interests, but was stronger because of that. I didn't want to bed -- no, that wasn't right. I did want to bed her -- frequently -- but that was almost secondary to making her mine for the long term. And making me hers.

Still - at first, my physical desire had been driven by my fascination with Amanda herself; despite all the time we'd spent together, her usual dress choices didn't show off her figure. If pressed, I'd have guessed the stereotypical Asian "slender, almost boyish."

I'd have been partly right. Slender? Unquestionably. "Buxom" might have been going too far, but allowing for her height and her fine-boned frame she had a curvy, delightfully feminine figure. And her suit showed it off perfectly. As bikinis go, it was a practical, even modest, choice. It didn't matter -- seeing her sleek curves for the first time, I was suddenly grateful that my baggies had a built-in jockstrap.