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She nodded, her gold eyes still tentative.
"My name is Allister, by the way. Nice to meet you, and to potentially have you on the team."
She nodded. "I'm Melantha." She paused. "You may call me Mel, if you'd prefer."
I tried to hide my surprise. Not only was Melantha not an Oni name, but it was kind of unusual for them to offer strangers to use a shortened version of their name. Not only did Turg, Shel, and Dagru have significantly longer and more complex names, but only the members of our guild got to use those names.
Outsiders were presented with the lengthier versions, especially if the outsider was an Oni. Granted, it wouldn't have been the first time I'd seen an Oni provide an elf or human with a shortened version of their name, for simplicity.
I supposed it was also possible she was just that confident that she'd be a part of the team after the evaluation. Granted, given that her staff was a magical artifact and she was A Tier, I supposed that was very likely, though it did kind of make me wonder if she'd show the weapon off or try to hide what it was capable of.
Returning to my seat, I took my time working on my breakfast, letting the bread soak longer than usual as I waited for her while I perused my tome. She made a short trip to the table to drop off her black metal staff across from me, along with her leather bag, before returning to the bar.
I tried to focus on the elvish words on the page, but I was beginning to realize it was a lost cause. Because I was instead finding myself highly anticipating talking with this attractive woman with white hair, gold eyes, and rosy skin.
There was something about her that sparked my hope again, even though I knew it was best to keep my expectations realistic.
Still, I was very much looking forward to continuing our conversation.
And to potentially adding her to the team.
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I update my Bio on Literotica frequently to reflect my Release Schedule and what chapters are pending review.
Submitted: September 8, 2022 to Literotica (Copyright 2021 Kaizer Wolf)
- COMMENTS
WretchedMonkeyover 1 year agoI liked the story but I think you missed a trick with this opening chapter. You've had to introduce a whole world and many mechanics involved in it's establishment, and you've done it a little awkwardly with an 'introduction' and in an internal monologue. The protagonist introducing themselves and blathering on nearly turned me off of the story as it's something I hate, especially as it's clear to see that the story won't be written diary-like, so the breaking of the 'fourth wall' has no grounding. The missed trick was that you brought a 'new' character into the world, with the red Oni passing into the city, and could have used her experiences and conversations to push all the relevant information out much more naturally.
The story still seems interesting and I enjoyed the first chapter, so I'll see how the rest goes.
abiostudent3over 1 year agoEh, this feels weaker than your other stories. The trouble with writing a "video gamey" story is that it requires an insane amount of setup - and so typically falls prey to the mistake of just having massive exposition dumps in the beginning, like this one does.
Combine that with the protagonist whining about his lack of sex life for an extended period of time, and it just isn't very gripping.
An example of how to set up a video game story that feels more natural might be "Dee Drive," by Over_Red. Once the protagonist gets into the game itself, mechanics are thrown at him slowly as he figures out the world around him.
BriteStudioMKMover 1 year agoVery well done. If I ever manage to get a job ever again, I’ll have to pick up your full published version of this.
In the meantime, I’ll look forward to more
