Coming Home

Back in front of the old Ballard house she started to get out. I took her wrist and told her, "Wait, don't you want to hear what happened with me?"

She sat back, "Yes and no. I like it that you're here now. I'm afraid the army might offer you something you want that might take you away again." She swiveled around and faced me, "I have you now. I don't want to lose you again."

I didn't say anything, but I didn't let go of her wrist either.

She squirmed a tiny bit, "I have to pee."

I let go. We both got out and went inside. She went to pee. I sat in a chair at the table my mom had bought. Though I still didn't know what kind of life I was going to have, I knew I needed to keep Sarah in it. 'Tresh Contracting' had to go, I knew that, but what else? I looked over at the cupboard; that had to go too. What happened after that, I couldn't say. Tomorrow was Thanksgiving. Garvin was expected. I'd talk to him.

Later that night Sarah and I slept in the bed my mother and father bought. Nothing happened; I was ready for something, but to have Sarah beside me was enough for now. I didn't sleep much. I thought about Farida, and I thought about that girl I killed in Iraq. I still feel terrible about Iraq, but I felt differently about Burkina Faso. The army wanted me there because I spoke French. Farida attached herself to me, not just because of language, but because I was the right person at the right time. There had been the car stalking; no one else had noticed. I might have saved her life. Who knows; I might have saved her life at the airport too. I had done the honorable thing; I had honored the men at Arlington. Of all the people I know and have known I'm sure Uncle Mitchell would have been pleased. No, not pleased, proud. Hell, there's my father, my brother, and there's Drake. Where is Drake now? Greenland? The Middle East? What if he comes home after a tour in Iraq and Donna's off with Derek Parker? I know how dependent a soldier can get when he's off someplace. I had Sarah. I did have her too. Sarah's right beside me now! Jesus! I've always had Sarah! Dennis Miles? Chevis Stottlemeyer? They're nobody!

Sarah's my girl, has been, is now, always will be. Am I stupid or what? Not anymore! Should I wake her up and tell her?

I turned over and looked at her in the dark. She was awake; I couldn't miss those glistening green eyes. I whispered, "You awake?"

She grumbled, "I am now."

I put my hand under her head, "I have something I want to tell you."

She pushed my hand away and rolled over, "Tell me in the morning."

I whispered, "I love your big green eyes."

She half yawned, "I love your big brown eyes."

I said, "Yeah, shit brown."

Through half lidded eyes she murmured, "Bedroom eyes."

"What?" I said.

"You have bedroom eyes."

"You like my eyes?"

She smiled, "That and everything else."

I said, "You do don't you. You really do."

She yawned, "You're all I ever wanted. Now can we roll over and go back to sleep?" She rolled over.

I rolled over too, bedroom eyes.

~~V~~

Thanksgiving at my parents is always crowded, busy, chaotic, and special; it's an experience worth remembering. Sarah and I were there. So were Mr. and Mrs. Windover, as well as Ted; he brought a pretty girlfriend named Melanie. Ted and Melanie planned on eating with us and afterward going to her parents for a second meal. Glenna and Waylon arrived with their three, Violet, Venica, and Valerie. Garvin, my older brother the marine was on hand; he never married but he brought a girlfriend, another marine named Maria. Maria is a Hispanic woman; the two of them have been together off and on for years.

Seating was kind of atypical; Mr. Windover was at one end and my dad at the other. Garvin and his lady were to my dad's right: Sarah and I were to his left. Mom, my sister, and Mrs. Windover were on the side closest to the kitchen, while everybody else was scattered all over the place. Saying the table was crowded would be an understatement.

Mother prepared the big turkey, but she'd bought a second breast to make sure there was enough. There were heaps of dressing, sweet potatoes, red cabbage, corn and lima beans. Mom made an oyster casserole, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, gravy, biscuits, a string bean casserole, and sauerkraut. Glenna brought some kind of succotash thing; she also brought four of the pies for later.

Once we all found our seats, mom said grace, and we all dug in. There's been a long-standing tradition in our house; nobody is allowed shut up the whole time we eat. The order of the day is always pandemonium, so keeping up with who is saying what to whom almost requires a guide sheet. I could tell it was a little awkward for the Windover's in as much they seldom spoke when eating. It didn't bother Ted though; all he did was moon over Melanie. Got to give him credit; he picked a pretty one. In a way I was glad; there was so much chatter no one bothered to ask me anything. At least that was for a while.

Dinner mercifully came to an end, and mother, with Sarah's help, started to bring out the coffees. Glenna rode herd on her three girls. My dad and Mr. Windover talked about the weather and football. Waylon told Garvin about a truck he was fixing up. We had two pots brewing, plus a second Keurig in operation. Most drank caffeinated, except the Windover's who preferred decaffeinated. That raised a couple eyebrows, but we all knew the Windover's were a notch above the rest of us.

For about a half an hour everyone hung around and let the coffee, food, and tryptophan settle in, then mother, Glenna, and Sarah brought out the desserts. We had four kinds of pies, pumpkin, lemon meringue, coconut custard, and apple. Glenna brought some tapioca; that was my father's favorite. We all ate heartily of the desserts. I had pumpkin. Sarah had lemon meringue. Venica spilled her milk.

~~~V~~~

Earlier, Garvin and I had taken a walk out behind the barn. There were two graves back there; one was his dog Curly, and the other mine, Annie. Both were unmarked now, the wooden crosses our dad had made having long since fallen over and been discarded.

When I was young Garvin had been my hero; our dad used to say Garvin had what he called the 'right stuff'. I remember mom's running off hit us kids pretty hard; it had been Garvin who held us together. I can't recall exactly, but I think it was right after mom came back home that Garvin left. I forgave her. Dad wanted me to. Garvin never did. Garvin is good, he's sturdy, he's reliable, he has integrity, and he's smart.

We stood around out back and talked about our service, about training, and some of what we did. No one is supposed to know, but our country has had a 'presence' in Colombia. Garvin has been there; he commented on the beauty of the place, the intricacies of the Magdalena River, and the inadequacies of government.

He told me a little bit about a story he'd read. After his betrayal, Benedict Arnold had been inducted into the British army. He was in France sometime during their 'Revolution', and he'd met their foreign secretary, a man named Talleyrand. Talleyrand asked Arnold about the new American government and the likelihood of its survival. Arnold told him it would only survive as long as it was led by men of integrity. Garvin said this was what is wrong with our country today; he said, our leaders have no integrity. Garvin said they're all being paid off by a bunch of rich oligarchs and that's why nothing is done to help our veterans. He said it's going to be up to guys like him and me to do what is right, but he also said that didn't mean joining some bunch of whackos. He said there were some crazy people out there. He told me, "They'll want you. They'll want that D.S.C. They give themselves patriotic names, but that's just to hide who they really are. They'll hang their hat on your courage. Don't let em. It's up to us to pick up the slack and do the responsible things."

He never really explained what he meant. I never really understood everything Garvin talked about anyway; he's a lot more intelligent than I am. After he gave me his little speech, we started to go back inside, but there was still something I had to say.

"Garvin," I started, "there's one more thing."

I could tell he was full of anticipation. He stopped and said, "Yeah?"

"You ever get scared?" I asked.

"Scared? Yeah, sure."

I added, "No, I mean after you got home."

He looked right into me, "It wasn't until after I got home that I got scared."

"I mean," I said, "Like you're afraid, just afraid." I couldn't stop, "I mean afraid of everything. I mean, of what other people think, of making a decision, of knowing but not knowing, of being afraid of going to sleep. I mean like, being tense and nervous, and feeling alone all the time, and well, of just being afraid."

He grabbed my shoulders, "You got it Travis. We all have it. It's the nightmares."

I answered, "Yeah, the nightmares; the dark monsters inside me I never knew existed. They're darker than death, blacker than midnight, and there's never an escape, no place to run, no exit, no... nothing. It's like something creeps in at me when I'm alone, it's like this shadowy thing. It has a face, but I can't see it. It has hands and fingers that keep reaching at me, and I know if they get a hold of me... I'll die."

Garvin nodded.

I cringed, "You know! Tell me. What can I do?"

He kept holding me, "Don't surrender. Never give in. It wants you. It wants to kill you. It wants to see you die. It wants you take your own life. You can't let it do that."

"But how?" I asked. "What is there?"

He was squeezing my shoulders so hard. He said, "I found Maria, or Maria found me. She wouldn't let me go. I can't explain it. She's my comforter, and I love her."

I asked, "Do you think I'll ever find someone like that?"

I thought he was going to let go of my shoulders, but instead he pushed me down on the ground. Looking down at me he said, "You already have. She's in the house now. She's there for you. I have a strong suspicion she'll always be there for you."

"Sarah?" I asked.

Garvin nodded, "Yes, I think Sarah."

"How do you know?" I asked. "How can you tell?"

"I can't say exactly. I've seen it with others. I don't know, I just can," he said.

He let me up and we went back inside.

~~~V~~~

Anyway, we're all here, back at the table, dinner is over, but things just aren't right. There's that foggy feeling again. My head hurts, and I feel dizzy, cloudy. I shake my head nervously. Something's starting to happen! Something is going wrong. I look around at everybody, and it's like I'm there but I'm not. I wasn't exactly dizzy, but I knew I wasn't normal, whatever that is. Things started to cloud up. I could see Yazidi eyes, pleading, begging, then gone, just dead. I got scared. Was I going to pass out?

Sarah sensed something; she gently started to stroke the nape of my neck with her fingertips. She reached up and tousled my hair, "I'm glad you're letting your hair grow out." She looked across the table at my brother, "No offense Garvin, but I don't see Travis as a jarhead."

Garvin chuckled.

I still had chills, but the clouds... they were fading back. My God, I realized, she knows. Sarah knows! How can she know? How...?

Sarah whispers, "Want to go outside, go for a walk?"

Though the sense of impending dizziness didn't abate, the subtle feeling of ennui was disappearing. I smiled, "No, I'm good." I thought, 'Garvin's right.'

She pinched my thigh.

I yelp, "Ouch!" I'm thinking, 'It could be all right.'

I laugh.

Sarah laughs.

~~~V~~~

Once again things are going well around the table. I feel normal again. The spell is gone. That's when Garvin sprang what I figured had to be some kind of trap. He looked around, smiled, and asked me, "So Travis, what's in store?"

Fully recovered, feeling confident, I played dumb, "I don't know. What do you mean?"

He stopped smiling, "Don't be stupid. It's time to settle-up. What's it going to be?"

And it was time to settle-up! I knew and I could tell Sarah knew too. I replied, "I'm giving up on "Tresh Contracting." Jokingly I added, "Too much like real work."

No one moved, no one said anything. They were waiting for the other shoe to drop. Was I going to run away again? Would the nightmares eat me? Was I going to become a statistic? What was I going to do?

"I've been thinking," I said.

From across the table Ted said, "That's a remarkable accomplishment."

No one laughed.

"First," I said to Ted, "You're lucky you're on the opposite side of the table."

Ted grinned; there was some soft chuckling.

I thought, 'Time to swing the bat.' "Ladies and gentlemen," I said, "I'm joining the Maryland National Guard."

Stunned silence.

Like Napoleon marching on Moscow, I pushed ahead, "The army responded to a request and is willing to move me from Inactive Army Reserves to the Maryland Guard. Sarah and I went to Laurel yesterday and I saw a man, a Lieutenant-Colonel Sheppard. They'd like it if I re-enlisted and went active with them. Something about me knowing a couple languages. I told him I'd think about it."

Garvin asked, "Have you thought about it?"

"Yes," I said. "I have.'

Garvin again, "Well?"

I looked all around. No one was saying anything, no one was moving; they were all looking at me. I knew, time to take the big risk. I spoke, "I'm leaving it up to Sarah."

There was a minor hubbub until Garvin asked, "Sarah? Why her?"

Of course, he knew.

I let it go, all of it, "The place I've been fixing up; it's her house. It will be her children who grow up there, hers and mine if she'll have me." I looked at Sarah, then looked over to Garvin again, "And thanks for the down payment, that fifty grand was a big help." No one knew Garvin had put up the money so I could afford a down payment on the Ballard place. I looked over at Sarah again and tried to give her one of my most sincere I love you looks, "If you'll have me, we could get married, we could raise some kids, do the... you know, the happily ever after thing."

She sat up, very strait laced, "You're rejoining the army?"

"Yes and no," I replied. "Lieutenant-Colonel Sheppard made it clear I would be a National Guardsman, but no overseas work. If the unit I'm in is ever activated, for anything, I can retire or be transferred. I will have to go to Officers Candidate School, but I can do that in Salisbury. Most of what I would do would be in Salisbury, with a few trips to Baltimore, and a couple weeks a year at an army post as a part of regular training."

I looked at Mr. Windover, "I think I could manage the farming you mentioned."

Mr. Windover's silence came to end; he adopted a real serious demeanor. I thought, 'Was he going to stop my hopes of marriage?' But he stunned the whole crowd, "I've been thinking Travis. Good men always need a good woman at their side." He paused, looked at his wife, gave a nod to my dad and mom and went on, "In our lives there's been Harry. He had his Bess. Dwight had his Mamie. John had Jackie, Dick had Pat, Gerald had Betty, Jimmy-Rosalind, Ron had Nancy, and right now I'm thinking of John and Cindy." He paused again, and then added, "I'd like to see John McCain run for president next year."

That hit it! My mom grabbed her fork and tapped on her water glass, "No politics at the table." She smiled at Mr. Windover, "That's a rule we have."

Mr. Windover smiled awkwardly, "Sorry."

I thought, 'That's telling him mom.'

Of course, someone had to break what had become an icy silence. Ted asked, "Who's Harry? And who's Dwight?"

There was some soft laughter from the older folks.

Ted's dad grimaced and commented, "Harry Truman asshole, and Dwight Eisenhower. They were presidents, and they were both veterans, men who did their duty. They honored our country; they weren't greasy draft dodgers."

I thought, 'More old timey stuff; stuff they didn't teach in school anymore, but the stuff we Americans need to know.'

After that, no one said anything, so I figured the ball was still in my court. Looking at Sarah again I said, "If you want to, you could marry me. We'd be poor for a long while. The National Guard doesn't pay much, plus I'll be going to college.

Sarah said nothing.

I did, "I'm asking you to be my wife. Could you do that? Please, say something."

Sarah slowly scooched her chair up to my side. The sound of her chair as she slid made a scratching noise across the floor. She touched my cheek and whispered, "I could do that."

I smiled.

Her dad covered his mouth, he made a quiet belch, then asked, "When did you decide all this son?"

He said son. He called me son. I looked all around the table, "When? I couldn't say. About Sarah? Probably when I threw her in the Weidemeyer's pool. About the National Guard, I think last night."

I looked around again. I needed a good finish. I had it, "About the 'Guard'. It's the right thing to do. It's the American thing. There are people who need help; new enlistees who might not speak much English, regulars looking for leadership. Plus, there are a lot of veterans out there in some real need, and I'm going to find a way to be there for them."

Mr. Windover sort of smirked, "I doubt you'll help many veterans serving in the Guard."

I dismissed that, "Even if I just helped one." Again, I looked at Sarah, "Just like you'll be there for me."

She put a hand around my neck, "Not to worry Trav; I'll never let you fall."

I sighed, the words I needed to hear.

After that there was a lot more hubbub sprinkled in with a lot of "we're proud", "good call", "right choice". It felt good. I felt good. I could see Sarah felt good. It was like we'd launched a boat or something, like coming home.

Epilogue:

Did Travis ever become a statistic? Yes and no. He married the right girl. They finished off their house. They struggled. He still had nightmares. He got counseling, saw some doctors. Sarah stood beside him. They made a bunch of kids. No Nordstrom's or Macy's; they shopped at Walmart and Target. And yes, they did the happily ever after thing just like in the Hallmarks. Oh, and the Beretta? Travis gave that to Garvin; he had no need of it.

And P.S.

Drake came home and Donna was there for him, a good woman, a loving wife.

The end.

My denouement:

This was just a story about some things I've had thoughts about; it's not totally fiction, it's not totally true. If anyone is interested, maybe they could write something about P.T.S.D., the importance of Memorial Day or Veterans Day, perhaps something about a national shrine, maybe an important event, or maybe patriotism. Just saying.

Carvohi (Jedd Clampett)