All Comments on 'Coming Home'

Overall good story, though what happened to Phoebe?

Good story but seemed rushed at the end. I also wondered what happen with the daughter?

Like the story a lot. AAAA+++++

Too creepy. The father steals the sons gf after giving her HIS job and she seems perfectly ok to fuck over the son

Meryl became Beryl at the end. Her daughter is mentioned but she seems to have no relationship to her. You mention she's a good catholic girl, so no abortion, but she's sleeping guys she's not married to, and is now pregnant with no intention of getting married. I just found her character to be rather flat and unemotional.

Miranda brought the action against the Whartons in order to get child support for Phoebe, but Phoebe has completely disappeared from the story. Miranda, a "good Catholic girl", is now pregnant again but not contemplating marriage. On the whole it's a good story, but forgetting about Phoebe is a major structural flaw in it. Marked down to 3 for that reason.

What the actual fuck. She has a daughter who doesnt exist apparently. Then she tells us the whole time that men dont interest her like the moment she met Bryan. She refused to have anything to do with Bryan. Then she meets his father and has no problems with dating and making out. Then we learn that she was already in bed with Bryan before she met his father? So the first part was just a flat out lie. And after she won the case, was presumably in some kind of relationship with Bryan while still dating his father she just decides to fuck his father while he is still in the room. Bryan has no problems with that other than 'Well hes better than me'. Holy shit. Good catholic girl my ass. That was just creepy as fuck.

The author must have mistakenly submitted a very rough conceptual draft since the authors writing is usually of a much higher caliber and normally makes sense

This rambling, incoherent narrative makes very little sense and is inhabited by some of the most unlikeable characters I have seen here. This author makes a fairly common mistake and that is peopling his story with characters who have the same first initial so that it does take time to make sure who is who. Bevan, Bryan, Bethany. And the cold, complete lack of emotion of the MC. 2* is more than enough for this.

Typos, typos typos. Bevan, Bryan, Beryl, Meryl, confusing.

How many times did you repeat the same story of her sexual situation? Four? Five? It was completely unnecessary. The whole Courtroom session was just ridiculous. The line of questioning regarding her pubic hair from 11 years prior was totally unproven and was a line that lead to nothing.

Equally, the "evidence" of her cum riddled panties that had been from next to the frozen peas breaks the chain of evidence completely and could not be used. In fact, almost nothing about how the bio father's defence was laid out would have been proceeded with. (Except the DNA test being conducted in the Courtroom).

Then as others have stated, the storyline regarding her having a relationship with the best male friend's father and major partner/owner in the Law firm again makes no sense. Nor her sleeping with the son earlier.

Are you positive you've written a portfolio of 212 stories for Literotica? The evidence of the standard of this story does not stack up with that.

This is not even remotely a romance. Creepy predator vibe times 2.

The father/son switch just didn't work for me, but the rest was entertaining. 4*

I usually like your stories but this one was mediocre. Besides the previous comments, add the abandonment of daughter number one.

You had a decent idea for a story, but sadly what you wrote did not do it justice. An good editor might be able to help you salvage it, but I'm not sure and even less sure it's worth the effort.

Further, there is clearly no romance in the story, so you hurt your story further by putting it in the wrong category.

Better luck with future attempts.

Honestly, I agree with @Overcritical. It was cold, overly factual. Like reading the court reporters' notes. The details repeated themselves multiple times. Some information like "providing the initial DNA test" seemed the wrong way to go about it. Usually, if it's court-related the test would be dealt with under court supervision not just given out of nowhere.

I believe Miranda wrote th story. It takes a keen mind to see the the way the character would tell the tale.

You have done better. No mention of her daughter after the court. All in all sterile.

Did Pheobe even exist? Other than a DNA test, the poor girl doesn’t seem to figure at all in the lives of her mother, great-aunt, grandmother or late grandfather's life. I know the story is supposed to be a student of law, who has been studying to be a lawyer throughout her pregnancy and a further 11 years as a student and presumably representing herself by right without being called to the bar, so a lot of this story just doesn’t add up, especially as her suit against Wharton didn’t include under-age sex. So what is she, 28 to 30?

Great story idea, that turned into a dumpster fire. Big enough holes in the story to drive a Mac Truck through.

good story and writing. But, you forgot ll about Phoebe

totally unbelievable with the attempted twist. Started out as a good story and the author mucked it up

The decision to go down the father/son relationship with her was ridiculous and way out in left field.

You have done better and should throw this one in the trash. Apologizing to all your readers that you had a

brain F--t when writing this.