Confessions and Consequences

She was going to do much better in the gifts department. I had purchased plenty over the years.

I stayed in the office, enjoying the peace and quiet. I used the quiet to try and develop a plan of some sort. Yes, I could move out, apply for the separation order. Split the financial arrangements, all very simple. We could sell up, and split the difference. All so easy, seventeen years of hard work, all down the drain.

At forty six, I could start again. The thought scared me, I'm not into the pub scene, not into nightclubs. All my mates were married, and my age. How do you start again, dating, god, the thought didn't fill me with excitement. It made me nervous.

About seven, my phone rang. It was Aria. "Are you coming home, or are you staying somewhere else tonight?" Her frustration dripped poisonously from every word.

"I'm at the office, still finishing up some things."

"Shall I hold dinner?" She muttered impatiently, but I also sensed a hidden plea.

"No, I will get something on the way home."

"Shall I stay up? I would like to talk."

"I wouldn't bother Aria. Go to bed."

"Am I allowed back into our bed?"

"No, I think until further notice, you can keep the spare room."

A sharp intake of breath followed. "Is that really necessary?"

"Necessary, no probably not, a good idea? Yes I think so." With those final words, I disconnected the call and reclined back in my chair. Nothing made sense. I mean, you see these things happen to other people, and as a spectator, you think. Hah, if that was me, I would do this, or that. All so easy. That is until you're actually faced with the decision.

You live with somebody that long, there are attachments that can't be severed that easily. Your lives so tightly intermingled. Families. Our parents, all within a fifteen minute drive. All our celebrations were huge big family occasions. It was never just one family or the other, it was always, together. Her father, and my father played golf, they were best mates.

Her brother, was one of my closest friends. We were in the process of doing up an old Velocette motorcycle. It was our little project. Everything was intertwined. Severing those bonds would be hard.

When I got home the house in darkness, no sign off life. I got myself a glass of scotch and sat in the lounge. The darkness, a warm cosy blanket. It felt nice, comfortable.

Walking up the hallway to the bedroom, the spare room door opened, and Aria stood there, looking gorgeous, as ever. Wearing a flimsy little nightie that covered nothing, she whispered. "Hi, sweets."

I went to walk past, but she reached out. "Sal, please, we can be civil to each other. Okay, I stuffed up, and you're angry, but surely we can act like adults, not children."

"If acting like adults means having affairs, cheating, lying. Then, I think I'll stick with the childish behaviour. I'm good with that."

As I walked away, I called back. "Goodnight Aria."

"Sleep tight, Sal." She replied sadness enveloping every syllable.

The next few days were like a stuck record. Aria, tried to work her way in, but that door was shut tight. The weekend, got difficult. We had spent the entire week without speaking. I hung out in the office, till late, and ate on the way home. I wasn't afraid of the confrontation, I just knew, that when it happened, it would be cataclysmic, and I wasn't sure whether that's what I wanted.

Friday night, I left the office on time, and arrived home at my normal time. Aria, looked shocked to see me. "Well, fancy meeting you here." She sneered.

Ignoring her smart arse comment, I headed for the bedroom, to change. When I went back down, she had poured me a scotch, and was drinking a glass of wine. She held out the scotch, and asked. "Do I assume you will be staying for dinner?"

"Yes, that'd be nice."

I retreated into the office, it wasn't just mine, we shared it. I had never pried into Aria's personal life. Never felt the need to check up on her. I mean who does that shit? I believed in her, we knew each others passwords, we kept them on a shared file in the drawer. Using her password, I logged into her email, I did notice there were a few from her friend Phil, but there was nothing incriminating. Just work shit.

I logged out, feeling pissed off with myself for lowering myself to prying. The fact she did the wrong thing, didn't give me the right to open her personal correspondence.

I sent of a few emails, and a couple of text messages before Aria called out. "Dinners ready."

Things were cool, she had already poured us both glasses of wine to go with the chicken.

We ate in relative silence, the tension building with every mouthful. I could see the way she bulldozed her food around the plate, without eating. That she wanted to say something.

"Can we talk please Sal, this infernal silent treatment isn't helping."

"Yes, it's probably time." I glanced up from my plate. "I have tried to give us both some space. I know I needed time to try and process your confession and what it meant for me."

"Yes, I understand." Giving me a very grim expression, she asked. "Have you come to some conclusions?"

"I went to see a solicitor who specialises in these things. He helped me fill out all the required forms. I have listed out all the assets, I have printed out the business performance over the last few years. I expect we should sit down and decide on what you want to do."

Her expression never changed, she stared back intently. "I see, so it's divorce then I take it." She sighed with an accepting resignation.

"Well, I don't see any alternatives. Sorry."

"Sal, there are hundreds of alternatives, counselling, a trial separation, therapy. Why does this have to be the end?"

Throwing back my wine I snarled. "It's the end, because you left me no alternative. I'm a lousy lover, I don't measure up to your new toy-boy, and by your own admission our marriage has ben failing for several years. I don't see any of your suggestions helping in any of those regards."

"Oh good lord Sal. I never once said you were a lousy lover. I said we had stopped trying. We no longer put any effort into it, but that could change, it's not to late for us."

"Did you, or did you not say that Phil is a better lover than me?"

"No I damn well didn't. I said it was new and exciting. I did say I enjoyed it more than our recent attempts, but that's only because we are in a rut. But, it's a rut we could climb out of."

"Sounds like a pretty big rut. Look Aria, I don't want to fight, I can't be bothered in all honesty. My suggestion is we call it quits. There's no sense flogging a dead horse is there. You're not happy in our marriage, and I'm certainly not happy with your revelations."

She looked aghast. "You can't be bothered..." She glared at me angrily. "That's exactly the reason we're in this blasted spot. You have lost your passion for life. You have fallen into a routine, work, home, we never go anywhere, we have even stopped going out with our friends because you can't be bothered."

"We are in this spot because you can't keep your damned legs together. Don't try to lay the blame at my feet Aria. You could have given me a chance, talked to me, explained how you felt. It was your decision to look elsewhere."

"Yes, and I'm sorry for that. It was a mistake. I should have been braver and tried to talk to you."

"At least that way we would have had a chance. I cannot accept your infidelity. I have given it a lot of thought over the last few days Aria, and my decision is, it's to difficult. If I was to try and get passed your betrayal, it would take months before I was able to even begin to trust you again."

"Sal, I told you it's over."

"Yes, and when we married, you pledged your faithfulness to me, but let's be honest. You were unable to keep that promise, so, why should I believe you now?"

"I made a mistake Sal, one mistake in our whole marriage. I think we can make a go of this. If you would just open your mind and try to imagine how this could work for us. I still love you as much as I ever have. With this all out in the open, we can use it as a tool to make our new life together better. There are things we have never even considered."

"You seem to have forgotten that you cheated, betrayed my trust, lied to me, tricked me, deceived me. If you can do it once, how do I ever trust you again?"

"Those actions were driven by your inactions. If we brought back the romance, some spontaneity. Build in moments of intimacy. I have laid myself bare to you. We can now be totally honest with each other. Come on Sal, don't tell me you have never lied to me in the past."

"Of course not, I'm human, we tell lies to protect ourselves. The things I lie about are, doe's your arse look fat in the new jeans you just brought. Or do I like your new hairstyle. Those are the things I lie about. I know I'm not perfect, In fact. I'm far from it, I'm selfish, I know that. I know I've taken you for granted, but none of that is an excuse for infidelity."

Her body deflated, as she sighed. "So that's it? The end of everything because you can't be bothered?"

"Yes, you could put it that way. I'm not throwing away my integrity, my beliefs."

She looked down, and started eating, the conversation evaporated like the air around us. The room descended into a gloomy close claustrophobic cell. "Integrity, what the hell has any of this got to do with integrity?"

"How could you expect me to live with the fact you found another lover? No real man would accept that, and that includes me."

She looked stunned. "Oh my god. You're serious. You won't give our marriage a second chance because of your bruised ego, your stupid male pride. For gods sake Sal. It happened, it's in the past. The future can be anything we care to make it. I made a mistake, but we could both learn from it."

I quietly fumed as we finished dinner. Afterwards, I went back to the office, and pulled out all the paperwork. Dumping them noiselessly on the table. "I think you should read these."

She looked up and nodded, the frustration clearly evident. "Fine." Was all she said.

It was well after ten when she joined me in the lounge. "What do we tell the family? If you want me to be honest, I will own that. I don't expect you to lie for me."

"Your secret is safe with me Aria. I suggest we simply tell them we want different things. I'm not going to destroy your relationship with them."

"Thank you." She whispered sadly.

That was it. We spent several days filling out the remaining paperwork together. We decided to sell the house. Neither of us were that attached to it. Saturday we called the families together, and made the announcement. Of course it was like a bombshell. Everybody was horrified, there were calls for us to try counselling, therapy, anything.

Aria stuck to our story of growing apart. Our daughter Andrea, was destroyed. She came to help me move into my new home. While there we talked and she tried to play matchmaker. She wanted her mum and dad back together. My determined approach, which she didn't understand drove a small wedge between us.

She was quick to tell me how her mother was heartbroken. That she'd fallen into a mild depression. I knew how that felt, I felt the same bloody way myself. My world had collapsed as well, it wasn't just hers for fuck sake. I think because I was her father, she expected me to be the strong one. That I'd fix it like I always did.

Coming home to an empty house, cooking for myself, nothing but work, television. And a pile of dirty dishes My mates tried to pull me out of the dark hole. I got dragged to golf games, fishing trips, barbecues. I didn't really enjoy them, everybody feeling sorry for me. Offering advice, telling me to just get on with life.

It's fucking easy to say, but let me tell you honestly, it's bloody hard to do.

It still meant going home to an empty house, and empty bed, and that god awful silence.

A huge part of my life had been painfully hacked out, and there was now a yawning chasm.

Family gatherings were difficult, we were all invited. The family decided they weren't playing favourites.

Aria, moved on, dragged herself out of her dark place. Once she started circulating with her friends, I saw the changes first hand. Physically, I have had to admit. She'd never looked better. A new hairstyle, apparently a new exercise regime. Trim doesn't do her justice. She looked bloody amazing.

She always went out of her way to be nice to me, hugs, warm greetings, conversation. I kept my pain inside, locked away.

The punch in the guts came the first time she turned up with her new boyfriend. She introduced me to him, and although she did look a little nervous, she remained bright and happy. I watched enviously as they cuddled and held hands. That day, I left early.

I couldn't really find a way to get my life moving again, I seemed stuck. My mates wives did try to set me up a couple of times, and I dated a few of the women, in truth. They never measured up. Aria, set the bar pretty high. None of the women came even remotely close. I hated it, but decided, maybe that was it, my one shot at love was gone.

It left me plenty of time to focus on work though, and that aspect of my life soared. Long hours x effort x hard bloody work equalled money. I brought a new car, even brought a motorcycle.

Andrea, visited regularly, but she had her own life, her own friends.

It was quite a shock, when at lunch in a small cafe down-town, I saw Aria, as she walked in with another man. I wondered what happened to the other bloke. When she spotted me, she came over, accompanied by her friend. I stood, we hugged and kissed. "Can we join you?" She asked.

I gestured for them to sit, as they sat, she said. "Selwyn, this is Tim." We shook hands, and she started asking about work, talked about Andrea. Tim, seemed a bit uncomfortable, and said quietly. "I might go up to the room. See you after you've eaten." He leaned down, and they kissed. "Don't rush." He added.

Once he was gone, I asked. "What happened to the other bloke?"

She looked confused, before realising who I was talking about. "Oh, I see." She said with a casual grin. "Colin, I still see him, it's a casual thing."

"Does he know about Tim?" I said sarcastically.

She nodded, smirked. "Yes, they know about each other. It's casual Sal. Like I said, no strings."

"So how have you been? Is their somebody special in your life?" She asked.

"No, not at the moment."

"Sal, you have to get out. You can't just stay at home rotting away. Andrea, said she was really worried about you."

"I'm okay Aria. I'm happy."

She scowled darkly. "Liar, I know you better than you think. Tell me honestly, have you had a relationship since the divorce?"

"I've dated a few times."

"Have you had a relationship?"

"No." I mumbled embarrassed to admit my sad life. "You seem to be doing all right though." I muttered trying to change the subject.

She grinned, "Yes, once I got over the separation and divorce. life has been quite busy. I made a conscious decision that I wasn't going to let the divorce ruin the rest of my life."

"How's Phil?" I spat out, immediately feeling embarrassed.

She smirked, shrugged that bloody shrug. "He's fine actually."

"So it wasn't over after all." I sneered.

"Sal, it was most definitely over. That was because of us, what you wanted. When we divorced, I started seeing him again. I needed a little sunshine in my life. He is fun."

Shocked, I asked. "How many bloody men are you seeing?"

"Oh, three or four." She said off handedly.

"Good god." I gasped in shock. "Jesus, have you no shame?"

She shook her head. "What have I got to be ashamed of? I like sex, I enjoy it, and I am honest with everybody. They all know about each other. A couple have met, in fact we shared a couple of evenings together."

I felt the blood draining from my body. "Do you mean a threesome?"

She pouted with a small smile. "Yes, and it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life."

"Well, good luck to you. I guess you may as well get it while you can." I rasped. God who was this bloody woman. She used to be so demure.

I was about to say something when she leaned closer and said. "Sal, if you are interested, we could get together sometimes. I have never stopped loving you. There isn't a day goes by when I don't think of you. I would love to have you back in my life."

"What, you think I want to be part of your entourage? A dirty fuck when you're not busy. Sorry Aria, that doesn't interest me."

She pouted sadly. "That's a shame, we were good together, and there's still a place in my heart for you."

"No thanks, I prefer to keep my integrity."

"That silly male pride, well I hope it keeps you warm at night Sal." She kissed me, as she stood up. "It was nice to see you again."

Eighteen months or so later, I did get an invite to her wedding, but decided, that was more pain than I could deal with. Andrea, of course told me all about it. She was very disappointed when I refused to go. She wanted me to see her in her bridesmaids outfit.

I have long since pondered my decision to divorce. Aria, has gone from strength to strength. She looks happier than ever. So bright and vibrant. Her new marriage seems strong, whereas, I have struggled to try and find a relationship that works. Maybe it's my bitterness, maybe it's just my lack of trust, I don't know.

It was at her parents wedding anniversary that I met and talked to her new husband. He seemed like a nice enough guy, we actually ended up at the bar talking. After a few too many scotches, things were getting comfortable.

"Tell me Selwyn, why the hell did you divorce Aria?" Her husband Trevor, asked.

Staring back at him, I tried to figure out if he was trying to be a smart arse. I wondered whether the reason was something she wanted to keep hidden. Well fuck that. "She cheated on me, had sex with a bloke when she was away from home." I thought it might shock him.

He just frowned, disbelievingly, and poured us both another scotch. "What... That was it? Jesus, man."

Confused, I asked. "Well, what the hell would you have done?"

He shrugged, "I don't know mate, but, I sure as hell wouldn't have kicked her out. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you did. Your loss was my gain. Women like her don't come along very often."

Sipping his scotch, he added. "Putting myself in your position, I would have done everything in my power to keep hold of her."

"You would have accepted her betrayal, you could live with that?"

"Yeah, Christ, it was only sex right? I mean bloody hell mate. At the end of the day, none of us are perfect. We all make mistakes. Like I said. It was just sex, who cares?"

When I didn't answer he smirked. "Mate, she is the hottest bloody woman I have ever been with in my life. I had a few before her, but holy shit, she is fucking hot. She loves sex, you screwed up mate. I'm glad you did, but I can't help feeling sorry for you."

"What about everything else, sex only takes you so far."

"Mate, she's friggin awesome. I think you know that, she's a great cook, she a bloody hard worker, keeps a great house. What else is there?"

"Don't you worry about her fucking around on you?"

"Why should I. We are totally honest with each other. She told me about her affair, while she was married to you. How it destroyed both your lives. She was quite open when we met. I knew she was seeing other blokes. I think she had her little mid life crisis, and now. We're happier than pigs in shit."

Later I watched them dance together, her gorgeous sexy body welded to his as they swayed and swirled around the dance floor. He was right about how sexy she was.

I walked away from that night, and my decision to walk away from our marriage, hurt more than ever. She had moved on, made a wonderful new life for herself, and I seemed stuck in quicksand.