Confessions and Consequences

If you're looking for sex, then this is not the story for you.

It is also self edited, consequently will be full of errors. If that irritates you, again. This story is not for you.

If you do read it, I hope you find a modicum of pleasure in doing so.

*****

"I'm having an affair."

I have to be honest, at first the words didn't register. I heard them, they were clear and concise, but my mind wouldn't, or couldn't process them.

She looked at me, as I placed another forkful of the delicious pickled pork in my mouth. "Did you hear what I said, Sal?"

I nodded, my mind unscrambling the words.

She repeated it, just for my benefit, "I said, I'm having an affair."

"I heard you Aria, you don't have to keep repeating yourself."

She had another bite of her dinner as she waited for my reaction. "The pork is delicious by the way." I mumbled.

"Is that all you have to say? I tell you I'm having a bloody affair, and you comment on dinner, good lord."

"Aria, can you please stop saying that god damned word." My tightly clenched teeth turning it into a hiss.

As the situation became a lucid thought, the questions started to appear, who, when, where, and of course, why. Trying to organise them into something, I asked. "How long?"

She grimaced a little, at least that was a positive sign, she felt at least some embarrassment. "A couple of months."

"A couple of months. I suppose, that explains the lovely dinner. I take it, this is it. Our last supper."

She looked momentarily uncertain, and nervous. "Last supper, I hope not?"

"Well, lets see if I got this right? You've been having an affair that's been going on for months. Here we are tonight, and you decided it was confession time. I assumed, that this little revelation would be followed by. You're leaving me."

She sighed heavily, her breath coming in a long soft exhale. "I see... No Selwyn, I'm not leaving you."

"Then why the confession? You're having so much fun, you just couldn't wait to tell me all about it and rub my nose in it."

My words had clearly agitated her, and she hesitated before replying with a waver in her voice.. "No actually. I've been plagued with guilt, and didn't want to carry on lying to you. It kills me. I hate it."

"You hate it, and it's killing you, not enough to make you want to stop, though."

"Sal, I had to tell you. It's been eating me up inside."

"So who is this Lothario?"

"Nobody you know, he's not from around here."

"That doesn't answer my question really, does it. Who is he?" I hissed gratingly.

Again she brought out the wince. "We work together, he is the produce manager in Teesdale."

"I'll ask again, who is he?"

"His names, Phil."

"So, Phil, the produce manager from Teesdale and you obviously get together on your weekly visits?"

"Yes."

"And, it's been going on for two months. What exactly were you trying to achieve here tonight Aria?"

"I have no expectations." She murmured softly, almost a purr.

She looked scared, and the tears were close, as she added. "I have heard people say how sexy and how much fun affairs are. All the sneaking around, the subterfuge, the lies. It's supposed to make it more exciting. All it's given me, is sleepless nights, and indigestion."

I could see the relief, on her face. A little colour coming back into her cheeks. "All right then, let's try a different angle. What did you think was going to happen after I heard your confession?"

"I don't know Sal, as I said, I had no expectations."

"That's not true and we both know it. Nobody drops a bomb like that, without having run it through their mind a hundred times or more. With seventeen years of what I thought were a happy marriage behind us. You know me well enough, to have some expectations."

She nodded slowly, a long resigned sigh escaping her tightly drawn lips. "Yes, all right. I expected you to explode, I expected you to yell and tell me what you thought of me."

"And then?"

"Honestly, that bit I don't know."

"All right, if you had no expectations, let's talk about, what were you hoping would happen? Were you expecting, forgiveness? Were you expecting to get kicked out? Me walking out? What exactly were you hoping for?"

"Forgiveness... No, not really. Acceptance, no that isn't right either. Maybe understanding. I hoped you might see this as a starting point."

"Starting point..." I barked, my fist slamming down on the table. "How in gods name could this be a starting point? Bloody hell Aria, it's the end, not the start. You have lived with me for seventeen years, and you honestly thought I was going to say, don't worry dear, we can get past this."

"No, I expected nothing, you asked me, what I was hoping for, I hoped you would listen, then see what I'm trying to explain. This tiny little dot, a point in time, could be the start of something wonderful."

The anger boiled away inside my churning guts, the food waiting to escape. "I guess the last question, is why?"

She shrugged, god that annoyed me. Such a blasé response. "Why Aria?"

"I didn't go looking for it Sal, it just happened. It can be lonely, on those trips. When Phil suggested we go out for dinner, I was just happy not to be spending the night alone. Eating alone is lonely. He was pleasant, and over time it became apparent, we shared a lot in common, we had lots to talk about. He was complimentary, warm and funny."

"You thought you would repay his flattery with a quick shag then?"

"No, it wasn't like that. One night he came back to my hotel room, brought a bottle of wine, and, well, it just happened."

"I see, so, it filled you with so much guilt. Your words, not mine. Lets not forget how much you hated it. It didn't stop you going back for two months, why Aria, if it was so painfully bad, why?"

Her face twitched, as she grimaced. "I never said I hated it. I said, I hated the guilt, and the self loathing that always followed it. The way it made me feel afterwards."

"The sex was good then?"

She nodded, sighing resignedly. "Yes, the sex was good."

"At least we got to the bottom of why."

"I'm sorry Selwyn, I wanted to be honest."

"No, that's fine, I asked for it."

"Honey, you know things haven't been right with us for a while now. Things have been slow. We have grown so distant, more like friends than lovers. You must feel the same way. Our marriage as wonderful as it is, has lost something, the sparkle, the intimacy."

"Rather than talk to me, you decided, I don't know, oh, yes, I'll have an affair?"

"No, I took the cowards way out. I know that. I wanted to talk to you, I wanted to, I simply didn't know how to start. I mean, we don't go out any more. It's work, housework. Occasional parties at friends places, but you and me, we don't do anything any more. At night we watch TV, you work on your lap top. Even when you're sitting right beside me, we never talk."

Her words rang true. She was right, I had been feeling the same way. There was an element of truth in what she said.

"Sal, we hardly make love any more. God, we're lucky if we do it once a week. When we do get around to it, it's all over in a few minutes, and you're asleep five minutes afterwards. Snoring your bloody head off. It's wham bam, but I don't even get a thank you."

That hurt, it might be the truth, but it still hurt. "So, the sex is better with old Phil, from Teesdale?"

I could see she didn't want to answer. But with me staring back at her she nodded. "Yes, the sex with Phil is good. It's not as good as the way we used to make love. Nothing could beat that. Lately though, yes. It's better, and he does say thank you."

When I didn't answer, she added. "There's no intimacy any more Sal, In bed, you read, or answer texts, or emails. We don't cuddle, we don't talk. I don't know what happened, but we went off the boil. I know most married couples go through this at some point, but this seemed terminal. And, I'm not laying all the blame at your feet. I am just as responsible."

"So it was just easier to start an affair? What does that say about me Aria? Am I that unreasonable?"

"No, that's not it at all, I just didn't know how to approach you. How do you tell the person who means the most to you in the whole world that they're not doing it for you any more?"

"Am I that bad a lover?" I bit back caustically. If I was getting thrown on the scrap heap, then I wasn't going without a fight.

"No Sal, our sex life has up until the last couple of years been fine. Lately though, I have to say. It has been almost non existent."She peered up at me through anxious eyes. "We're still young Sal, you must have needs, sexual yearnings. I know I do."

I could feel the weight of her words, they rested heavily on my shoulders, but, I wasn't the only one in this relationship. "If my performance has been lacking so badly, why not tell me, why suffer in silence?"

"Because I couldn't. Could you? No you wouldn't either. Our sex life has been so pitiful. I actually wondered whether you'd found somebody else."

"What, my god woman. Don't you dare try to tell me you did it out of some sadistic need for revenge. Jesus, Christ. I've never been with another woman."

"I know." She sighed, I figured it out for myself. You simply don't care any more. It's like you don't think about sex."

Her words cut like razors. Yeah, I knew there was a problem, but shit. There was work, house maintenance, the car, our daughter, and of course family. With ageing parents there was always something that needed my attention.

"I didn't know where to start. I tried Sal, there were many times, when I tried, but as I tried to pry open the door of that conversation, you rolled over and went to sleep, or just shut up shop. Sometimes, you can be a little hard to talk to, even after seventeen years, or maybe because of that."

"Aria, this is all such wonderful news." I spat our sarcastically. "Don't expect me to just accept your bullshit excuse to justify your betrayal. I'm sorry I have been unable to live up to your expectations as a lover. Hopefully Phil, from Teesdale, will do better."

I stood quickly, and marched towards the door, and ripped my jacket down off the wall. "I'm going for a walk." I donned the fleecy jacket, and stepped out into the bracing cool night air. It whistled around my pulled up collar, my chin tucked down tightly.

It was cold, bitterly so, and the wind was lazy, I already regretted my actions. As I trudged up the narrow lane, I tried to collect my thoughts. I never in a million years expected to find myself in this predicament. Yes, I agreed, things had gone off the boil, but is that so unusual? God every couple must go through this.

With my hands stuffed as far in my pockets as they could physically go, I walked on. We had been working so hard, both of us. Aria, did travel a fair bit with her job as compliance manager for one of the countries largest supermarket chains. Once a week at least, she had to take overnight trips to visit the surrounding district stores.

My own job was busy enough, and took up more and more time, and it was bloody stressful. Having this dumped on my doorstep was unfathomable.

My mind started to work, what to do? Divorce, god I hated that idea. I hated the idea of just forgiving and forgetting even more. If we divorced, we would have to sell up everything. The house, my business, property, and of course, everybody would know. I hated the thought of becoming the centre of local gossip.

There just weren't that many options...

As I walked, all those old cliches and sayings popped up. "Never trust a cheater." "A leopard never changes it spots." "Once a cheater, always a cheater."

They made sense, how could you trust somebody after they rip your heart out?

Fuck it, the temperature was going down. I turned for home. The inviting warmth of home, you can't beat it. Aria, had cleaned down the table, the dishes were done, and she'd poured me a Brandy.

"I thought you might need that. It's damned cold outside."

"Thanks, not poisoned is it?"

She laughed softly, warmly. The musicality of her tinkling laughter still made me shiver. I loved that sound.. "If I was going to poison you, do you really think I would have told you about my affair?"

She sat in the lounge, feet tucked up under her still very gorgeous frame. She was still a very desirable woman, I could totally understand why men found her attractive. She had one of those delicious qualities. Her skin a soft olive tone, her beautiful green eyes. Yes, her eyes, they were the secret to her beauty, they drew you in, welcomed you into the circle of light, the liquid pools of enticement.

Her body was nice, shapely, maybe a few to many cheese cakes, but very luscious. It was her face, those perfect features, that's where she was so damn pretty.

She patted the sofa beside her. "Come and talk to me. Please..."

I sat, and she sipped her red wine, me the Brandy. "Okay Aria, I don't know why you decided to destroy our family. But here it is. I may not be the worlds best lover, but you ripped my fucking heart out tonight. I have dedicated my life to you."

She dabbed her eyes, her knuckles digging in deep. "I know that Sal. I have never doubted your love. And I still love you more than ever."

"Oh good lord. How can you say that? You just finished telling me what a lousy lover I was. Now you want to profess undying love..."

"Yes, it was unkind, and you're not a lousy lover, what I was trying to say is, we, you and me. Have let things slide. God, it's as much my fault, probably more so. I should have spoken up."

"Yes, that would have been nice. Still, we are where we are."

I took a final swill of my Brandy. "I will go in tomorrow at lunchtime and find a solicitor, get some advice about separation, divorce. See what the hell we have to do."

I felt her body tense up beside me, heard her sharp intake of breath. Watched as she wiped away another pesky tear. "That's your answer? Separation."

"What were you expecting?"

She shrugged, and again, I felt the stab of contempt at her casual offhand gesture. "Come on Aria. Seventeen years we have been together. What were you expecting?"

Her eyes narrowed as she stared back at me. "Expect, I don't know, I had hopes, yes. I hoped for a different outcome, but if that's what you want. Then that's what we will do."

She stood up and carried her glass into the kitchen, where she poured herself another Beaujolais. "Would you like another Brandy?" She called out.

"No, make mine a scotch please. A double."

She returned and again sat beside me. She sipped her wine, before twirling the glass in her fingers, toying and playing, watching the red liquid swirl around. "Sal, you asked me what I expected. I feared, that this would be your reaction. I hoped for something else, I'm not an idiot, I knew this would hurt, I just couldn't think of any other way to tell you. My hope was, this would be the impetus, for us to talk, that we could use this as a doorway into the future."

"What?" I replied with a confused shake of my head.

"What say, we put aside separation for a moment." She saw my scowl, and smiled thinly. "Humour me, just for a moment." Taking another nervous sip, she said. "I have discovered something about myself, well, perhaps about everybody really. It's quite simple. Sex, is very, very exciting, and I like it."

"That's hardly ground breaking news Aria."

"It is for me my sweet. I have never felt the hunger I feel right now. My sex drive is higher now than it was when I was twenty. I hoped we could find a way to utilise that and hopefully drive us both."

I couldn't think of a smart arse comment, we sat staring at each other blankly.

"I like sex, Sal."

"Lucky you." I snarled viciously.

"I know I went about this all wrong, and that you have every right to hate me, but, imagine this. The bomb has gone off, we are standing together hand in hand at ground zero. From that point on, anything is possible... Anything."

Shaking my head, I tried to get a clear understanding, of what she meant. "You mean, we just forget about your affair, and pretend it never happened and go on about our lives?"

"No, Sal. That's not what I meant. Yes, I had an affair, and that was wrong, but it opened the door for this conversation. We could change the way things have been, we could start again, bring back the intimacy, ramp up the romance, and the sex. It could be the start of a new us."

"You've lost me Aria. If you're suggesting I sit back and accept your affair because it lit your damn fuse. Bloody hell, next thing you will be telling me, you learned new tricks, and I might like them."

"Not what I meant Sal. All I suggested is, we use it as the fuel to build a better life. I don't want what we had. I love you, and I do want to be with you, but I want the old Sal, back. The passionate, crazy, sex mad man I married."

If my mind was foggy and unclear before, it quickly became a cartoon character looking for traction on an icy road. "So, it's all my fault is it? You of course, are now this new age renewed woman. You will lead me to sexual nirvana."

"Sal, this affair, has been an eye opener for me. Up until meeting Phil, I was just going through the motions, life was passing us by. Now, I feel invigorated, alive, and passionate. I love you, but, I see things differently."

"Maybe if we could have had this discussion, and been open and frank, before your affair. Then we could have fixed this."

As we sat staring at each other, a light bulb went off. "Oh my god." I gasped. "You know what, I think something happened, and you knew I was going to find out." I glared angrily at her. "That's the only reason you told me isn't it? This is just damage control. You thought, if you told me, rather than I heard it from somebody else, I would go easier on you."

The look of total disbelief on her face was comical. "Sal, that is not true, I am trying to be honest."

With a shake of my head, I muttered. "Perhaps, but there's no way to prove that. All you're doing at this point, is trying to mitigate your actions, and it's not bloody working."

She sighed deeply, chewed her bottom lip and pulled out that damn shrug again. "I don't know what else to say Sal."

"Oh for fucks sake, what about you start with sorry, it was a mistake, and it's over. What's say we start there?"

She flinched, recoiling at my vitriolic snarl. "I have already tried to apologise, and yes, it is over."

Her attitude was starting to get to me, no longer able to hold back my anger, I snapped curtly. "I'm going to bed."

She gave me a nervous glance. "Should I come with?"

"No, I think you can have the spare room."

"Sal, it doesn't have to be war you know?"

Nodding my agreement, I replied. "I know that, but at the moment, war feels good."

Aria, greeted me in the morning as I prepared for work, breakfast was ready by the time I got down stairs. She looked refreshed and bright. "Good morning Selwyn, how was your night?"

"Fine."

She tried, I'll give her that. She chattered on, trying to prise open some chance of dialogue, but I wasn't ready, all night long I stewed, tossing and turning restlessly. The fires of anger still burned strong, within, and I was afraid, if I did say something the war would start again.

I left for work leaving her looking pensive.

I did have a couple of solicitors that I did business with, and I leaned on one, for a luncheon, explaining I needed advice regarding divorce. He turned up with a lot of paperwork, and we talked options. The laws of the land, no longer cared about right or wrong, infidelity, hah, who cares. It would be a fifty fifty split. There was nothing to stop the home from being sold, no kids at home. Aria, had her own income, her own superannuation scheme. She was a modern day independent woman. Our assets and liabilities would be split. Then it would be down to whether anybody was that attached to the house or individual pieces of furniture, or personal belongings.