Consequences - Eve

"I was not having an affair with Bobby and he and I were together only one time. It was almost three months ago and on a night John had to go to Fort Wayne and had to stay over. Bobby had come to our house because he was hurting too much to go with John. He wanted to stay that night since he was in too much pain to be alone. I spoke with John when he called and told him Bobby was there. He said he was happy about it since Bobby shouldn't be alone. I agreed and he slept on the couch in the family room.

I stopped to take a drink of water and to watch Charity's face. She had turned away when I mentioned Bobby's pain. I knew that both Sal and Charity had been so worried about him during that time and they were unable to do anything to ease his pain. But Charity was listening now and she seemed to be willing to hear me out so I continued.

"I came down to get some warm milk to help me sleep and I heard him crying. I went in to comfort him and I held him in my arms. You must understand. You certainly have seen his grief and felt helpless. I was only trying to give him support and let him know he wasn't alone. He was crying so hard and I was holding him tight when he began to caress me. I can't explain what happened after that, only that I was filled with compassion and I didn't want to cause him any more pain by reacting in anger. After that, it happened."

Charity was openly crying now as she heard the pain that Bobby was in. It was the sadness of a mother for her son. A son she couldn't help. I just let her cry, recognizing the irony of the situation. I just waited for Charity to calm herself.

It was several minutes while she wept for her wounded son. I knew that this would not change things but I hoped it would allow Charity to understand what happened and how I had let it happen.

"I understand how you tried to comfort my son but I do not understand how you allowed this to happen. You are John's wife and you have no right to permit things to go as far as you did. Your compassion was welcome but your lack of self restraint was not. You were wrong, just as my son was wrong. But, there is more to it."

Charity now looked me in the eye and told me the depth of the problem.

"Celina was John's girlfriend before she married Bobby. It was Bobby who took her away from John and that caused a great division between my sons. It was not Celina's fault and we never blamed her since she was truly in love with Bobby. She couldn't help her feelings and she told John to his face that she didn't love him like she loved Bobby. But John never accepted it and he blamed Bobby for taking her away. There was bad blood between them for a long time before John finally let it go. Celina talked to him and continued to talk to him until she had him convinced that Bobby hadn't caused her to leave him. It was almost a year into their marriage before John relented. I never believed he had fully forgiven Bobby but he tried."

I was now beginning to understand why John had said what he did when he walked out on me. He was blaming Bobby again and I guess I could understand why. Even though it was not true on my part. But Bobby's? I couldn't know for sure.

"What can I do? Will John be able to forgive me? Will he forgive Bobby?"

"I don't know child. I can only try to talk to him if he comes back. I don't know where either of them are now. Sal didn't say anything about it but he was worried that something was wrong with them. He said they had words and then they both left together. That was today."

Now I was worried. They were together? That couldn't be good if John felt Bobby had betrayed him. And Bobby might feel the same way and that wasn't any better. What had I done? I knew now that I was foolish, regardless of my motives. I knew better and yet I had let it happen. I was responsible for whatever happened.

"I have to go home and hope that John calls or comes back. I have to talk to him and make him see that there was nothing to what we did. The child is still of his blood and he will love it regardless. I know he will if he will only let his anger go. I'll tell him. He'll have to see it."

"I don't know child. John had a deep anger inside him that has been controlled for so long. This might be all that was necessary to bring it back to the surface. Only time will tell. Go. I'll talk to Sal and tell him your story. I'll be in touch."

I left and went back to the house to wait. I would wait till John allowed me to tell him how much I still loved him and how much I wanted him back in my arms and in my bed. I would wait as long as it took.

I stayed in the house for the next three days, waiting for some word form John or even Charity. I had no idea where he could be and why he hadn't at least called to tell me to go to Hell or something like that. Anything would have been preferable to this interminable waiting. Without any other choice, I waited.

It was on the fourth day after I told John of my pregnancy that he came home. I was sitting at the kitchen table, trying to eat something even though I had no appetite when he walked in and sat down across the table from me. I dropped my fork and sat back, relieved but scared. It was time.

"I'm glad you're home. I've been worried for you. I didn't know where you were or what you were doing. I only hoped you wouldn't do something foolish, even though I did."

John was looking at me with this strange look on his face. I had never seen its like before and I was fearful. It was a cruel look and I knew it was directed at me. I still had no fear of John but I also had little hope for a future with him. But, at least he was here and for that I was thankful. One way or the other, something would happen.

"I have spoken with Robert. I have told him he and I are no longer brothers. I will have nothing to do with him from this day forward. He has betrayed me once too often. The child you bear will never belong to him and he will never be allowed to see it."

He stood and began to pace the small kitchen area with his hands clasped behind his back and his head lowered watching the floor. I could see his jaws clenched tightly, the muscles bulging out. He was controlling his anger but only barely. I waited.

"While you were guilty of infidelity, he was guilty of betrayal. Betrayal of our marriage, betrayal of me as his brother, betrayal of our family and coveting his brother's wife. None of those can be forgiven this time. If it was the first time, perhaps. But it wasn't and he knew it. Yet he went ahead, encouraged by your acceptance. Together the two of you betrayed me."

I tried to speak, wanting to stop what he was saying, wanting to correct him in so many things but he turned his face to me and the look was enough to silence me. I couldn't gather the necessary courage to face him down.

"I will speak with my father and mother and tell them of my talk with Robert and what you and he have done. I am moving in with them since Robert will be leaving immediately. I will stay there for the remainder of your term. I will not divorce you since the baby would then be born illegitimate and I will not allow that. After the baby is born, we will talk of what to do next."

Without another word, John went upstairs to our room to pack some clothes. I considered following him and pleading with him but I knew in my heart that there was no hope. He was hurt, beyond just my cheating. His brother had betrayed him twice and he could not accept that. I was simply collateral damage in this situation. Had it been someone else, other than his brother, there may have been a chance for me. Not now.

John left and I didn't see him again for several weeks. I was now almost four months along in my pregnancy and I was still able to get around OK. John made sure that there was always money in our checking account and I used it only for food and maintenance of the house. I bought nothing for myself and kept careful records of what I spent. I don't know why I did that, but I did. Nothing else changed. I tried once to call Charity. But Sal answered and said in no uncertain terms that she wouldn't be available to speak to me. Sal hung up without another word.

By my count, it had been seventeen weeks when the cramping began. I had been reading up on pregnancy and was sure that this was nothing. I laid down and tried to relax and actually fell asleep for awhile but was awakened by the pain. I was starting to worry when I felt a sharp pain in my pelvic region and it was enough to bring me to my knees. Now I was scared and I didn't know what was happening. I crawled over to the phone, pulled it down and dialed 911. I spoke to a voice, telling her I was pregnant and in severe distress and gave her my address. She was talking, telling me to stay on the line but I couldn't. I just couldn't and I passed out.

I woke in the hospital, surrounded by white. The walls, the covers over me, the ceiling and the floor. All were white. The lights were so bright I covered my eyes with my arm and tried to focus on the picture in my mind. Where was I? What had happened to me? As I lay there, struggling with my memory, I remembered severe pain. The pain in my belly. The baby! Was my baby all right?

I opened my eyes and tried to give them time to accommodate the light. It took several seconds but I began to see again and I saw a table with the nurse call button on it. I pressed it and held it down, waiting for someone to come to tell me if my baby was OK. It was almost five minutes before someone came into my room and walked directly over to me and pulled the call button from my hand. I could tell it was a nurse but she was only a dark shadow, her head haloed from the light behind her. I couldn't make out any details but she took the call button and placed it on the table, far out of my reach.

"Now then. I see you're finally awake. How do you feel? Any pain or discomfort anywhere?"

As she spoke, she was taking my pulse and she wrote something in my chart. She then put the blood pressure cuff on my arm and took my pressure, which she also recorded. She felt my head and nodded as if everything was just perfect.

"What happened to me? Is my baby OK? What did you people do to me? Please, tell me what happened."

"I'll have the doctor come in to see you just as soon as I can find him. He is on the floor somewhere so it shouldn't be too long. You just relax and rest. He'll be in directly."

"Can't you tell me anything? Anything at all?"

"I don't know anything dear. That's for the doctor to tell you. Just you wait till I find him."

With that, she walked out of the room and I was left with nothing but questions. I felt different but I didn't know how or why. I felt my belly but couldn't really feel anything below my chest. I wiggled my toes and I think they moved but I couldn't be sure. I tried to move the covers away but they were tucked in too tight for me to move them in my weakened condition. I collapsed back onto the pillow and just waited, too tired to do anything else. While I waited I dozed back to sleep.

I awoke to a slight shake of my shoulder and a voice, asking me if I was ready to get up. I opened my eyes to see a young man, dressed in a white coat with the stereotyped stethoscope around his neck. He was quite cute and in my drugged state, I smiled without conscious thought. I was able to raise my head a little and he put the pillow behind my shoulders, letting me raise up enough to see the rest of the bed and the room. I tried to move my body back toward the head of the bed and was able finally to get almost into a sitting position. The young doctor did something to the bed and it raised me up even further. I was finally able to actually sit almost upright.

"What happened to me doctor? Why am I here? I remember calling 911 but nothing after that. How did I get here? What can you tell me?"

"You called emergency and gave them your address. The MT's found you unconscious on the floor and were able to get you here in time. You had severe bleeding and you had lost a lot of blood. They stabilized you and brought you here. We were able to get you back under control, and we finally stopped the bleeding. I have to tell you however, you lost the baby. The bleeding was too severe and the baby had no chance. We aborted it in order to save you."

I had lost the baby. The shock was almost more than I could bear. I think I collapsed again and I remember nothing else until the next morning. I woke in a smaller room with the ever present curtain pulled back allowing me a view of the door and a second bed, now empty. At least these walls had some color: a pale green with an ugly brown trim. This was a hospital room for sure.

The nurse came in shortly after I woke and took my vitals. As she recorded the readings, she smiled and finally told me I was looking good. Everything was normal. She puttered around the bed, straightening the covers and plumping my pillow, just like she was my mother. She was still there when the doctor came in. He asked her to stay while he gave me a more thorough going over. He finally straightened up and pronounced me fine.

"You gave us quite a scare when you came in the other night but you were a real fighter. We got you stable and you did the rest. You should be able to go home within a day or so. How do you feel?"

"I feel strange. No pain or discomfort, but different. Like I am empty. Is that normal?"

"Yes, it is. You lost a lot of blood and even though the fetus was very small, it was still present and your body knows the difference. That feeling should pass very quickly."

"Who gave you permission to operate on me?"

"We called your husband and he came in almost immediately. He gave his consent to the necessary procedures. He told us that you were the first priority and the baby was secondary. So we did what we had to do knowing his wishes."

I just nodded my head and listened as the doctor rambled on about taking care of myself and taking no chances until I was stronger. He said he would call John to let him know when I would be released. Since I had no one else, I let it go. John would either come or not, as he wished. It wasn't up to me. As the doctor left, I curled up on the bed and cried myself to sleep.

I was released by the hospital the next day at just past 10:00 in the morning. I put on the clothes that John had apparently left for me and sat on the bed waiting for the aide with the wheelchair to come get me. I had nothing else but the small bag the hospital gives you with the stuff that they used while you were there. I found the blood soaked clothes I was wearing when I came in, wrapped in a plastic bag and stuffed inside. I had no idea why they kept them.

When the aide wheeled me out the front door, I was surprised to see John waiting with the car door open and ready for me. I rose from the wheelchair and walked slowly and painfully to the car. John just watched until I was inside and then shut the door and walked around to the driver's side. He slid in and we were on our way. To where, I didn't have a clue.

As we drove, I glanced over at John to try to get some idea of what he felt. His countenance gave me no clue and I turned away, watching without interest as he drove me back to our home. During the trip, he said nothing and I was not up to beginning a conversation with him. The sadness I felt was a combination of losing my baby, my personal grief in what I had done and John's seeming indifference. I had little hope and nothing positive in my life to offset that. The trip home was a sad reflection of my life.

John did help me out of the car and into the house. I was surprised at this but glad for the help. I hurt in so many places and it was all I could do make it to the couch in the family room. I gratefully collapsed and leaned my head back with my eyes closed and my breathing labored. I felt as though I was going to pass out but I tried to get some degree of control. It took me several minutes but slowly I regained my strength and my breathing became less labored. Finally, I opened my eyes to see John just sitting there watching me. There was still no expression on his face.

"Thank you for coming for me and helping me in. I don't think I could have done it by myself. I didn't expect you, but I'm glad you were there."

"It was no problem. I wanted to tell you I was sorry for your loss. I'm sorry you had to go through that alone. But it seems you'll be fine."

"I don't think I'll ever be fine but the doctor tells me that there was no damage done to my body and I should make a full recovery. It won't take too long before I can do for myself."

"That's good. You can stay here until you are back to normal, but after that, I want you to find a place for yourself. When you do, I'll help you pack and move. You can decide what you want and we can decide together if there's a problem."

The suddenness and the coldness of this statement took my breath away. I know I gasped and I felt light headed for a few seconds. Nothing John said was unexpected but the timing and the lack of emotion took me by surprise. I just sat there, the tears starting against my wishes, and tried to calm myself.

"Alright, if that's what you want. Just give me a few days to get my strength back and then I can start looking for a place to live. I promise I won't stay any longer than absolutely necessary. I don't want to inconvenience you."

As I spoke, the anger began to surface. Yes, I had made a mistake and yes, I had become pregnant by another man. But the anger and coldness from John was more influenced by his anger and hatred for his brother than it was by what I had done. I accepted his decision to divorce me and I accepted his loss of love and trust, but I didn't accept his desire to take all of his anger and frustration out on me. I didn't deserve that from him.

"You can stay as long as you need to. I have no desire to make you do something you're not ready to do. I know you suffered a great loss and I accept that. It was a tragic thing that happened. I will help you all I can but understand that you and I no longer have a marriage and there is no love left on my part."

"I understand. I also know that your hatred of Bobby is what is driving you now and I had no part in that. What I did, I did out of compassion and nothing more. He was your brother and he had suffered a great loss, greater than what I went through. I tried to help and that was my error. I didn't see what I was doing to you as it really was and for that I apologize to you. But, what Bobby did to you was between you and he and that was different. I am just the one in the middle."

John was shaking his head back and forth in denial but I didn't care. I had lost everything and I was in no mood to be compassionate again. I did that once and it was a mistake. I wouldn't do it again. I continued.

"I know you see it differently but so do I. Charity explained what happened between you and Bobby over Celina but I had no part in that. If I had known what happened, I believe things would have been different. Maybe I would have seen that Bobby's actions were not what I thought. Maybe I would have seen him as more devious rather than believing that he was reacting out of grief. We'll never know since I didn't know anything about that part of your life. But, I know the reasons for my actions and I have nothing to be sorry about in trying to help a grieving man. However, I do regret what I did to you, and wish that I had done things differently, but it's too late now."

He had grown calmer while I talked and now he just looked at me with that blank expression.

"Since you are no longer pregnant the situation has changed. I intend to file for divorce immediately. I see no need to wait now, do you?"

"No, there's no reason to wait. I understand and I'll move out as soon as possible. I don't want to stay here any longer than I have to. For your information, I won't fight the divorce and I can accept any terms you set."