Conversations 03 - Ghosts

I'm going to need to go check this out on my way home. Charlotte must be doing extra special things if Tom is buying her BMWs!

"Our agreement stated that neither of us had permission to sleep with anyone. I complied with my side of it, can you say the same?" It was a dare. No, it wasn't a dare. She was throwing the gauntlet down with that statement.

"I'm not sure I can believe you but yes, I did. I haven't been with anyone either." It was the truth. "In the beginning I was too upset to think about other women. Then I was too busy to be bothered, though lately the thought has crossed my mind." I watched her expressions change, I could see the rage and hurt crossing her face. I threw that last part in just to irritate her. I think it did.

I returned to Hailey's claim of fidelity. "Were you really with nobody else? Another guy was the only thing that made sense. What else was I to think since you wouldn't tell me what the fuck was going on?" I sat back to sip my coffee as I stared her down.

"I actually came home after the first month to see you. To tell you what was going on. I realized that I was stronger with you and needed you to be with me. When I couldn't find you, I moved back into our house and waited." Her glare retreated some, "But you weren't there. My parents didn't know where you were, and your work just said that you were still employed but traveling. So, I waited for you. Mom said you were still paying the rent. I knew you would come back eventually."

"I wasn't sure how work was going for you, so I figured I'd keep the payments up until you served me divorce papers." I looked my almost-ex-wife in the eyes, dreading a divorce and anxious to get it over with. I expected the Band-Aid would come off fast, and painfully. "I figure that's what we are here for, so go ahead and give the forms so I can look them over and move on."

Hailey's jaw dropped a little, I think she was genuinely shocked that I brought up the 'D' word. She put her cup down and looked out the window, taking deep breaths like she was trying to calm herself. I couldn't tell if she was building courage or trying to recapture control. She finally turned to me, tears in her eyes. Oh man, here it comes.

"Scott, I never wanted a divorce. I don't want one now." She managed to whisper that between hiccups. "You're the only man I've ever loved and probably the only one I ever could love. I see now I've fucked this all up and how much I've hurt you. I brought you here to explain why I needed time alone and why I needed some help figuring out what our next move should be. And to try and put us back together."

"I'm not sure that's possible, Hailey, but you can start by telling me the truth." Something felt off now, I couldn't put my finger on it, but it felt like I may have misread the entire situation. Maybe my own fear of rejection was clouding my judgment.

"Okay, here it goes." She took a deep breath to settle her nerves. "You know what happened during my freshman year of college, right?"

"Of course, you were drugged and date raped, and with all the trauma that followed. Remember, I've sat in on many of your counseling sessions."

The story was horrid. Hailey attended an off-campus Halloween party during her freshman year. Some guy separated her from her friends, slipped some GHB into one of her drinks, and then, when she was out of it, got her alone in a motel room. She was found by the staff a few hours later when it was reported that a girl was having seizures in the hallway. She was rushed to the hospital where she slipped into a coma and was in critical condition for several hours. She stayed in the hospital for two days recovering from the effects of the drug and the rape.

We met in her junior year. She was in constant counseling and was very upfront with me about that. I pursued her gently, and over time she opened herself to me. We didn't have sex till we were dating almost a year and then it almost always ended in fitful crying. Getting to some form of normalcy was a long, slow process.

There were times when I wondered why I continued to date Hailey, but I really did know the answer. I fell in love with her hook, line, and sinker during our calculus class. I realized I couldn't give her up no matter how difficult our relationship was, so I worked even harder to try convincing her that I wasn't like other guys and to prove that I loved her.

In time we hit our stride. Over the next six years we built what I thought was a strong foundational relationship. After the first few years I figured we could handle almost anything. As you might imagine, Hailey took me completely by surprise when she handed me the separation agreement.

"I remember those sessions vividly, and I couldn't love you any more for sticking with me through those confusing, stressful years," she stalled, "but you don't know everything." I stared at her blankly. How could I not know everything?

"Okay, what don't I know?"

"Through counseling and hypnotherapy, I learned that it wasn't just one guy. It was at least four."

"Hailey... I ..." I was shocked and I stuttered as I tried to comprehend what she just said. She interrupted me with more.

"I also had an abortion, Scott. They got me pregnant. I couldn't stand the shame and I had an abortion." She had a faraway glaze in her eyes. She must have worked through this part of the trauma many times and now just appears numb to its effects. My heart was breaking again, but for an entirely different reason. I could feel the tears in my eyes.

"Why haven't you ever told me this?" I should have been angry at her for keeping such an important part of her past from me. I wasn't. I was shattered. The woman I loved had been living with a horrible secret and I wasn't there to support her. I wasn't even given the chance.

"I tried many times but could never find the words. Then it just became easier to hide the full truth from you."

"What changed?"

"Two things, the first was all this talk about a family. Every time you brought up kids, I could only think about the one I... took care of." We locked eyes. "I know in my heart it was the right thing for me at the time, but it still bothers me. I was struggling with having another child. I felt undeserving, like I gave up my right to have one when I aborted my first. My counselor was helping, but then..." She stopped in mid-sentence.

I sat quietly trying to digest these new revelations. "...then one of the college interns, at work, had a similar thing happen to her. She was drugged at a party and gang raped. Her rapists were arrested and will go to trial, unlike mine who were never found. They got away with it and left me, us, with all this baggage to work through. All of my fears, my feelings and my despair came rushing back to me when I tried to think about a child of our own and I couldn't deal with them. It was painful and confusing."

In retrospect, I remember how Hailey withdrew just before our separation. It all made sense now. Wow, how big of an ass am I for thinking she was banging some dude?

"Both my parents and my therapist thought I might benefit from in-patient treatment at a local behavioral health center." The hits just keep on coming!

"Is that where you were? Why didn't you tell me?"

"That's where I was. I didn't tell you because I accepted terrible advice from my aunt. She figured you'd be too freaked out if you knew the truth and advised me to get a short-term separation from you and undergo my treatment with my family and providers."

"Am I not FAMILY?" I said this last part way too loud. Several sets of eyes focused on me. A few phones were raised by onlookers who weren't sure if they should call the police or video my melt down. I resettled myself in my chair and lowered my voice, "I was your husband."

"You STILL ARE my husband. It's just that my aunt thought I might spend more time worrying about you than myself. My parents were torn. My dad felt I needed to include you, but I listened to my aunt instead. Since she was a nurse after all, I thought she might know what she was talking about.

"I soon realized that she was wrong. Even my therapist said so but by then it was too late to have a meaningful conversation with you, especially if I invited you to the center. As soon as my thirty days were up, I came home to tell you everything. I needed you more than ever, and you were gone."

My emotions were all over the map. I had a hard time focusing on one topic let alone comprehending the shitstorm of topics Hailey just unleashed on me. Now it made sense why Charlotte was staying over. I've been such a fool!

"Damn Hailey, I had no idea. I'm so sorry."

We sat there for about ten minutes, looking out the window, watching people. Our eyes were everywhere except on each other. Finally, I just stared at her as she slowly turned to look me in the eyes, her's were red now, puffy and full of regret. My heart was as well. I regretted not being there for my soulmate. I regretted accusing her of sleeping around. I regretted all of it.

I got up and made my way around the table and pulled her off her stool. I wrapped her in my arms and drew her in tight. She resisted for a moment then melted into my arms. I could feel my shirt becoming saturated with her tears. I wasn't sure if they were tears of joy or from her bottled up emotions. We stood there, hugging for several seconds -- neither of us wanted to let go of the other.

"What now?" I was lost, not sure of the next step. She lessened her grip enough to look me in the face.

"I have a counseling session tomorrow at four. Would you be willing to come?" Her voice was raspy, with a tinge of hope. I looked her in the eyes for a moment. So many thoughts flooded my brain.

Just an hour ago I was ready to let this woman go and move on with my life--to throw away the past years, experiences, and emotional investments. I didn't understand her reasons for cutting me out of her life so abruptly. They must have made sense to her. Now, I wasn't sure anymore. What did I want?

"Yes, text me the address and I'll make sure I'm there." In a split second I decided it wouldn't hurt to see where we go from here. I wasn't ready to fully forgive her, but I felt I owed her enough to find out what was left of the love we once shared.

We separated and I picked up my phone. "Can I have this back now?"

"Yes! As long as you unblock me." She threw out with a quick laugh. I punched in my code and showed her that she was officially unblocked. We cleaned up our mess, indulged in some light banter, shared one last hug and parted. I headed back to my hole in the wall apartment.

She sent her therapist's address that night and we briefly texted back and forth. The mood was light, not quite flirty, but it danced on the edges. I thought about her a lot that night, especially how alone she must have felt reliving her worst trauma without me. I examined my love for her. I admit we were in a better place now than we had been in months. I kicked myself in the ass for not seeking her out sooner. I also berated myself for giving up on us so quickly. What would have happened if I hadn't run off after that first month?

I also thought about how much easier it would have been if Hailey had openly communicated with me all along. I thought about her abortion. I wanted to be mad, but I couldn't. I fully understood why she had it; I get why she regrets it. A nineteen-year-old girl shouldn't ever have that much life thrown at her all at once. It was obvious that her family doesn't make good decisions or offer decent advice to their children. I decided that I didn't care that she never told me about the other guys or the abortion. It didn't matter then, and it sure as hell doesn't matter now.

The thing I was having a hard time with was trust. She didn't trust me enough to tell me the truth. If she kept something this big and awful from me, what else has she kept from me? Would she continue to keep things from me?

I arrived at the counselor's office at five minutes to four. Hailey was already there and pacing in the vestibule. I think she was wondering if I would really show. The relief on her face was clear and her smile melted me a little bit more. She took my hand as she led me to the waiting room.

"Andrea, this is my husband, Scott. I hope you got my message that he was coming."

"I did. Hello Scott, I'm pleased to meet you. I understand you have been with Hailey during sessions before?" Andrea was sizing me up, I'm sure she was wondering what kind of man would leave his wife during a time such as this.

"Yes ma'am, we've been to a few." I was nervous and not ready to expose myself to her scrutiny yet. We settled in. Hailey scooted her chair close to mine. Though we weren't holding hands, we were close enough to do so.

Hailey caught Andrea up on everything we had talked about the day before. Andrea set the expectations for the session--honesty, respect, and acceptance. We spent the next thirty minutes of the hour session recapping what they had talked about the months prior to now.

"So, Scott, how does all this make you feel?"

"I'm not sure, what do you mean?" Confusion was my new normal.

"How do you feel about not knowing all of Hailey's story? And being kept in the dark about her anxieties about starting a family?"

"Wow, getting right into the good stuff, I see." I was deflecting, looking for an escape. But when I looked over at Hailey's apprehensive face, I decided I needed to approach this head on.

"I don't like it. I was... I mean, I'm her husband. My wife should not have kept such an important aspect of her past from me. She should have shared everything. And, she should have been coming to me for advice and not Aunt Becky."

I felt myself winding up, so I backed off a second and lowered my tone and voice. "I fully understand why she didn't share, and my issue isn't really with what she withheld, but why she withheld it."

"Andrea, I feel like Hailey doesn't trust me. That's how all of this makes me feel." There, I said it!

I heard a sniffle come from my right; Hailey had a Kleenex in each hand ready to catch any tears that escaped. "You're right Scott, I didn't trust you. I've never trusted any man after the rape. I barely trusted my own father. It's not your fault. It was all a result of my trauma.

While I was in the clinic my therapist helped me see that the only person who was ever there for me was you. You didn't have to befriend a broken girl, and I was as broken as they come. But you did. You didn't have to love me. But you did. You didn't have to put up with all the emotional baggage I brought with me. But you did. You held me tight each night as the ghosts came for me."

Hailey was baring her heart and soul to me; she was such a strong woman. I felt sad for her, and disappointed with the circumstances that caused her to have to face her demons without my love and support.

"She helped me to see that a normal twenty-one-year-old guy would never have been as patient as you were. Getting so close to having sex time after time just to be sent home frustrated must have tried your patience to the limit. You trusted that I would eventually get to a place where I could be physical with you, where I could love you, and we got there eventually.

"Even then you had to put up with the fallout of other men and their actions. You did all of that because, for some reason, you fell in love with me. She made me realize that." Hailey stopped, took my hand and looked directly into my eyes. "And I repaid you by not fully trusting you. I promise right here, right now Scott, that if you will allow me, I'll give you all of my trust and will forever put you first." I pulled her into my lap and arms and held onto her so tightly.

"That's all I ever wanted, Hailey." The rest of the session was very emotional but healing. Hailey and I had a major breakthrough that night and for the first time in months, I thought it might be alright.

Our problems didn't magically go away. It took another thirty days before I moved back into the house, spending the first week in the spare room. That was until she attacked me one night. The next day I moved back into our room and dragged that hideous futon out to the curb.

Hailey kept seeing Andrea. Sometimes I would come for a couple's session and a few times I even saw her on my own. It was about a year later when I got home from work one night and Hailey was sitting at the table. Something wasn't right but the energy in the room was different than it was a year and half ago when I was ambushed in a similar fashion that fateful night.

"Scott, can we talk?"

Shit, not this again! I searched the room for another envelope, only to find a small oval package in Hailey's grip.

"Sure, what's up?" I tried to hide my concern. Hailey slid the package over to me, I picked it up and studied it for a second. After realizing what it was, I looked up into that smiling face.

"Does this mean what I think it does?"

"It does. If you are ready for it to mean that."

"I am. Can we start now?" I asked getting up and take her hand, leading her towards the bedroom.

Laughing she stopped for a second, "Let me turn dinner off first. You know it doesn't work like that, right?"

"Practice never hurts." When we returned an hour or so later, Hailey deftly picked up her birth control pills and deposited them in the garbage.

Our ghosts visited us several times over the years, especially whenever we heard of an incident like Hailey's, reported on in the news or depicted on a TV show. Every time, Hailey came to me and allowed me to help keep them at bay.

We didn't see much of Aunt Becky after our reconciliation. She recognized her error and bad advice to cut me out of Hailey's life, even temporarily, and kept her distance. However, she did have Hailey's best interest at heart. After a few years, I made it a point to invite Aunt Becky to the family Thanksgiving dinner and we started to put that relationship back together. She now spends all the holidays with us.

Speaking of advice givers, Hailey's parents now have just one piece of advice for my wife. Always ask "What does Scott think?"

Hailey and I watched our children grow up healthy and confident. Alexander is sixteen and a sophomore in high school. He's an avid athlete concentrating on track and field. Hailey says he gets his running ability from us, since that used to be our default behavior when we had issues. Kendra is fourteen and looking forward to high school next year. She's the brain of the family--straight A's and captain of her Junior High Cheer Team. Kendra took after her mother, and I couldn't be happier that she did.

I love watching my family move around the house, joking and even fighting with each other, but my favorite thing is that both children got their mother's smile. Each time I see those beautiful smiles I think of what could have been, and how fortunate I am that I didn't know how to tell if a carrot was ripe or not.