Conversations 05 - No More Regrets

No More Regrets

*****

Quick writer's note:

Tags for this story: Consequences, Divorce, Regret

This is another installment in an ongoing series of conversations among lovers or former lovers and their families. Conversations 05 No More Regrets tells the story of a woman who settled for a good man when her true love left her, made a life with him, and then faced a tough decision when her heart's desire returned. This is her story.

This is not a BTB nor a RAAC story; I call it more of a 'Good things happen to bad people' story. Still, I hope you'll find it somewhat realistic and enjoyable.

I want to thank my editors for their collaboration and advice. The story is a better one because of them. Charlie, John, Demosthenes384bc, KenD, The Hoary Cleric, Randi, and HighLuster contributed.

I love collaborating with people, so I look forward to expanding this editing team. If you are interested in being a part of this collaboration team, please send me your email address through private messaging, and I'll shoot you, my stories.

I'm going insane. Where in the hell can he be! I know he wasn't happy about the news I just dropped on him. Not happy? That was an understatement. It was a major hit to his pride; it rocked his world to its core. He stormed out of our house like he was a man possessed. That big diesel engine roared all the way down our long driveway and out onto the isolated road.

It took about an hour for me to start worrying. By then, he hadn't responded to any of the texts I had begun to send him a half-hour earlier. I waited for about two full hours before I couldn't resist getting in my car to look for him. I figured I had little chance of finding him, but it made me feel better to be doing something proactive.

Of course, my mind ran through the possible scenarios. Maybe he headed for parts unknown, abandoning us. No, that wasn't Troy. The thought of him having an accident, hurting himself or someone else chilled me. Suicide. My blood ran cold with just the thought. My cousin's son committed suicide just a year ago. He was going through a similar situation.

I feared the latter but doubted it as well. Troy's a man's man. Tough, independent, strong, and defiant to a degree. He is a sheriff's deputy; he knows the psychological impact the victim's death has on the family. He knows the disgrace the spouse suffers, and the schoolyard taunts the kids must bear. But the thought nagged at me anyway.

The sun was hanging just above the treetops when I thought I'd try one last possibility. I'd exhausted all of the more obvious places he might have been - his best friend's house, the local bar, our park, and even the bowling alley. Now it was time to expand my search to the outside of town. That brought me to Greyson's Lake. It's one of his favorite settings for fishing and we've been there a few times for family picnics. The gravel crunched under my tires as I crept toward the shoreline.

I saw his big truck and sighed in deep relief. Then I saw him. Troy was about fifty yards away. I watched him for a reaction as I exited my car and let the door announce my presence. I knew better than to sneak up on him.

Troy was sitting on the tabletop; his feet rested on the bench seats. He was on the left edge of the table, staring off into the horizon. His service weapon pinned the manilla envelope I had given him a couple of hours earlier to the table. The dog-eared corners of the enclosed documents were sticking out of the flap. It looked like he had repeatedly been examining the artifacts of our disintegration.

The end of a marriage is never as joyous as its beginning. I hadn't come lightly to my decision to end ours. It was the best thing for me, but that didn't relieve me of the guilt I felt. It also didn't relieve me of my responsibility for its end.

As I approached from the right, I eyed his weapon, and my fears reignited. I paused at the end of the table. I watched him, knowing that he knew I was there.

"Is that for me...or you?" It was both a joke and an honest question. I wasn't sure if the idea of suicide had crossed his mind, but I'm sure the thought of ending me had.

"I haven't decided yet. Still considering my options."

His flat and emotionless tone sent a chill up my spine. I decided to push my luck and sat on the table next to his weapon. I tucked my hands between my thighs; I didn't want him to think I might try to pick it up.

"The girls will need both parents to get through this." I didn't have the training to talk a potentially dangerous situation down, but it made intuitive sense to appeal to his love for his daughters. "If I'm dead and you're in prison, who would care for them?" No emotion. Not even a flinch as he kept his eyes locked on the water ahead of us.

"You're right, they need their mother." I felt a slight twinge of relief; it appeared I was safe. "Of course, Tomas will make a great father." An audible chirp escaped me as my head spun to see if he was serious when I understood he was referring to hurting himself. Nothing.

I practiced some silent breathing techniques to give myself a chance to calm down and time to consider an appropriate response. "You're right. He will someday, to his own child." I heard my voice wavering, so I knew Troy heard it also. "But, not to yours. He will be an amazing stepfather to your girls. Nothing more." I let that sit for a second.

"Both girls will want you to be a part of their lives and walk them down the aisle when the time comes. Tomas could be no more than a substitute. He could never be a replacement." I was hoping I sounded convincing enough as I watched him fidget.

I don't know how long he'd been sitting there, but I wondered if the hardwood of the picnic table was becoming uncomfortable. I watched his hands. I needed to know that he wouldn't make any rash moves. This was the tensest situation I had ever experienced; it easily surpassed the moment when I ended our marriage two hours ago.

"But are they, though?" The question caught me off guard, and I wasn't sure what he was asking. So much was going through my mind.

"What?" I asked, "Are who what?"

"The girls. Are they mine?" He asked his question quietly. I sucked my breath in and reached for my mouth to hold back my shock. His words pushed all my emotional buttons, then they pissed me off.

"Fuck you, Troy Adam Wright!" I turned away from him; I couldn't believe he would ask such a confrontational question. "How dare you ask me that! Of course, they're yours!" I spat out my response without even trying to hide the disappointment and anger in my voice.

Troy looked at me for the first time. Pain! All I could see in his eyes was the horrendous pain I had caused. "Really?" he said as he pointed to my Petition for Divorce, weighted down by his service weapon. "Just a few hours ago, you handed those papers to me. They say that you no longer want to be my wife. Everything I thought I knew was wrong. So, forgive me if I don't trust you right now, Penny. It's obvious you've been lying to me, so don't start with that fucking holier-than-thou act if I question whether those kids are mine or not!" His volume steadily rose as he wound himself up. All I could do was look at him in astonishment and wait for him to wind back down.

I wiped a tear as I looked away from him. He was right. I no longer had the right to expect trust from him. Anything I got from him from this moment forward would have to be earned. The realization devastated me, as it should have.

I hiccupped, and I worked to control my response. I hated that he was right. Mostly I hated myself for making it so. I had to remind myself that, though I was breaking his heart and faith in me, my decision was right for me. I had spent hours upon hours agonizing over my choices and all my options, and none of them were any better than no good.

My infidelity made it impossible to seek counsel from friends and family. I didn't want to confess to them and face their reproach and disapproval. I didn't even tell my parents about my decision to divorce Troy until this morning when I asked them to watch the kids for me. They tried to deter me vehemently. I understood their position but couldn't agree with it. I wasn't to be deterred from my path. There was no other option for me other than divorce. It's the only path that would give me a chance to find happiness. I knew it would be a painful journey, but I was committed.

I looked back at the husband I previously cherished, taking all of him in. He once was a happy, proud family man. Now he was isolated, sitting beside the last person he'd want to be alone with, angry and defeated, both at the same time.

He grunted and ran his open hand across the day-old stubble on his chin. He had completed a shift earlier today, and I knew he had the next couple of days off. That's why I chose this time to have my mom keep the girls and start the painful conversation I needed to have with him. The girls' absence just gave us the opportunity to talk. I wasn't worried about them; I knew Troy would never harm them. Troy is a gentle man. A fair man.

Troy's law enforcement career was a departure from his character, but we also knew it was that same character that would and did make him a great officer. I put a lot of trust in his even-tempered nature when I decided to confront him in person rather than in a cowardly letter.

Tomas was concerned for my safety and wanted to be present when I did, but I rejected his participation. I knew I'd be all right, but I couldn't predict how safe Tomas would be. As fair, honest, and upright as Troy was, he was still a man. A proud man that wouldn't take kindly to another man's hurtful disrespect right there in his own house. Tomas understood. Even If he didn't like it, he understood. He knew that handling Troy on my own was the better option. Deep down, I hoped I wouldn't push Troy so far that he betrayed his inborn nature.

He glanced down at the folder. "How long have you been having the affair?"

I studied Troy for the moment. His neck flexed, the muscles rippled, and I could tell this was the last thing he thought he would be doing today. But here we were. We were in too deep now to back off.

"Tomas came back about two years ago," Troy's eyes burned into me. His jaw swelled as he flexed the muscles, grinding his teeth, "but we didn't start seeing each other again till about ten months ago. First, it was lunch, then the occasional dinner. We didn't sleep together until nine months ago.

"I tried really hard to keep my old feelings under control."

I did, too. I'm a teller at the local bank. I was happy with my life. I had moved on and forgotten all about Tomas till he came into the bank that day. He didn't actively pursue me that year. It wasn't till later that he focused his full charm on me and confessed his feelings.

I continued to resist. It wasn't like Troy, and I was having any issues. We weren't. We were getting along great. Troy is a loving husband, and the most incredible father any child could ask for.

"How could you do this, Penny? I love you with everything I have. How could you just throw me away?"

Troy was wounded, and I was the vicious culprit who had done the deed.

"Okay, I've already told you I had an old high school boyfriend named Tomas, and I know you know he is one and the same." I paused to let that sink in. "I didn't tell you that he was my first love and, as it turns out, my greatest and truest love. We dated all through school and started college together.

"Tomas failed all of his classes the first semester and was immediately placed on academic probation. In a fit of anger and disappointment, he joined the Army." I had practiced this story many times over the past weeks, preparing for my confession to Troy. "Tomas had cut me off from all communication. He came home after boot camp, but every time I tried to see him, he hid from me. I angrily and officially broke up with him. I didn't seriously date anyone until I met you during the summer semester between my sophomore and junior year.

"He cut me off, Troy. His parents refused to see me. He was so damn immature and selfish. All he cared about was himself, so I let him go. It took me a long time to get over him. I didn't have sex with anyone until I met you. You were that damn special to me."

Troy was special. I remembered when we met. He was starting his senior year of criminal law. Even though I never had any desire to date or marry a law enforcement officer, and Troy always emphasized that being an LEO was his ultimate goal, I found myself falling for him. He was so mature and kind. He made me feel important when he included me in all of his critical decisions. Tomas never did that. I was blown away at how he could be so strong and still so open and available to me. I fell in love. We became exclusive and dated a year before we married while I was in my senior year.

I know my recent actions don't suggest any love, but I do love Troy. Apparently, not enough, or not as much as I love Tomas.

"Troy, don't you have that first love, that one girl who was everything to you? The one who you'll never get over?" I was trying to appeal to his emotional side, his sensitive side. Nodding his head, he looked at me.

"Yeah, Penny, I do have that first love, the one that means more to me than all the others combined." I gave him a slight smile; I knew I had him. "She just ripped my heart out and told me she never really loved me."

Damn, I wasn't expecting that! At that moment, I realized that Troy never talked about any other girlfriends. He never told me that there was a girl back home that he missed when he left to go to school. I guess I always knew that I was his first love. I knew I wasn't his first girlfriend or bed partner. Many of the girls in my sorority gave Troy a five-star review; he was a practiced and patient lover. But he had never been in love until me. I felt worse than I did before. I realized that I was destroying the best man I ever knew. And I had no choice.

"I'm sorry, Troy. It wasn't planned. I was happy with you, I really was. I thought I'd be with you and the girls forever. Being married to you for the past five years has been wonderful." Damn, I'm a horrible human being. "But when Tomas came back, he was a different person. He was more like you are. The years he spent in the Army made him a better man. Gave him the qualities I loved in you; I did try to resist, but I couldn't." I got quiet. I wasn't sure if I was making my point or digging myself a deeper hole. I was no longer worried that Troy was going to bury me in the hole I was digging. But then again, I didn't need to test him.

Troy turned again. I felt like he was disgusted with me. I wasn't doing well at explaining how we got to where we are now.

"I did resist him, Troy. I first saw him when he came to the bank for business. We chatted innocently, I told him about you and the girls, and he seemed happy for me. He seemed a little different, but, in my mind, he was still the same egotistical ass that left me." I paused to gather my breath and thoughts. "Then, one day, almost a year after I saw him again for the first time, he came into the bank. I was having a horrible day. The girls were sick the night before and up all night, and you were on graveyard, so you weren't home to help. I was grumpy, tired, and feeling down. He invited me to lunch. He was so charming and thoughtful and respectful." I knew in my heart many of the things I was saying contradicted themselves.

"That one lunch quickly turned into more lunches. I started to allow the feelings I once held for my old boyfriend to return, and he confessed that he still loved me. A month later, I decided to pursue a physical relationship with him."

"That's a great love story you got there, Penny," He stared into my soul through my eyes, "except for the part where you were a married woman who had a family with me."

I let go a deep sigh. "You're right, Troy, I was married with a family. I'm being so selfish. Divorcing you and breaking our family apart isn't what's best for the family or for you. But if I don't, I'll end up poisoning our relationship. I'll slowly ruin everything because I can't continue being happy with you. Can you please understand that?" Wow, did I sound like a bitch!

"I'm not proud to admit it, but when I married you, I settled. You're not my true love. As much as I wish you were, I can't make myself love you more than I do, and my love for you will never be the same as my love for Tomas."

I sat quietly for a moment, allowing Troy to absorb my hateful message. I was looking ahead but kept track of his weapon in my peripheral vision. If anything was going to push him over the edge, this would be it.

"Then why did you marry me? And why did you want kids so fast? Remember, that was all you!" I did remember. I pushed the engagement. I pushed for the girls.

"Because I love you, Troy. I know that it doesn't seem like it, but I do. I guess...I was looking to get on with my life, and you were such a great guy to do that with. I was never going to love anyone like I love Tomas, so I figured if I was going to settle, I would settle for the best man I knew."

"Fuck you, Penny." I knew Troy was just lashing out, trying to hurt me the way I had hurt him. "Why didn't you say something earlier? Why didn't you tell me you were settling? Why didn't you say you were falling in love with Tomas again?"

"Wow, I didn't want to hurt you by telling you that you were my second choice. I saw nothing good coming from that." I squirmed on the tabletop; I'd been there long enough to become uncomfortable. "I didn't tell you that Tomas was back because I didn't think that all by itself, it mattered. But then, we got more involved; it started to matter because I wanted to keep seeing him. Somewhere in my heart, I wanted this. I'm sorry, Troy. You deserve so much better in a wife than me." We sat there for several minutes, just breathing, just the two of us occupying the same space but nothing more.

Troy stood and stretched, and I held my breath as he placed his pistol back into his concealed holster.

I nodded towards his weapon, "Are you going to be, okay?" My voice was small and cracked.

He looked where I nodded and chuckled. It was more of a snicker. "The wind kept blowing the papers around, so I was using this to hold them in place. I would never hurt myself over you. You aren't that important." I was wounded by his words. I knew that was his intent, and I also knew he didn't mean them, but that didn't reduce their sting any less. "I guess there's nothing I can do about it now. This is really a fucking mess, Penny." He picked up the papers and tucked them under his arm. "What now?"

That was the beginning of the end for us. Troy stayed at a friend's house that night, packed his stuff, and moved out of the house over the next couple of days. The divorce was tense. It didn't go the way I'd hoped it would. I understand why it didn't, but it still made me sad to see Troy act out in anger.

The divorce was granted six months later. We sold the house and divided up all the assets. Troy got a place with his split and made his child support payments each month. Made most of his visits when he could, but I could tell his heart wasn't in it. The girls would often come home after visiting Troy, crying and angry with him. I found out that he often left them with a babysitter and never planned any activities. He wasn't the father he had been before. I knew it was my fault, but it didn't stop me from thinking poorly of him. I had hoped he would rise above his hurt, at least for the girls. He never did.