Conversations 05 - No More Regrets

Even after two years, Troy hardly ever spoke to me. He would stand away from our friends and my family at every one of the girl's events. That's if he showed up at all. He never spoke to Tomas. I could see and feel his anger whenever they were close.

Tomas and I married. I was three months pregnant and just starting to show when my world was rocked once again. The storm was at full strength. It had been raging for days, and all the rivers and creeks were overflowing. Power outages were common. I had just put the girls down when I got the call that every cop's wife fears.

"Hello?" I answered on the third ring.

"Good evening. Is this Penny Wright?" I could feel my chest tightening. The voice was familiar. I was used to getting calls for Penny Wright, but they were becoming less common. This one sounded different from the ones I'd been getting.

"It's Penny Sandoval now, but yes, I was Penny Wright."

"Penny, this is John MacArthur with the Sheriff's department. Not sure if you remember me, but we met a few times."

"Yes, Mac, I remember." My larynx constricted, causing my response to be but a squeak. "How can I help?"

"It's Troy, Penny; he was in a horrible accident and is in surgery at General right now. His records don't show anyone else to contact. Do you have any information on a family member who should know?"

"Oh my God, is he going to be all right?" We'd been officially divorced for a year and a half and separated for two years by this time, and he had been a royal ass for that entire time, but he was still my daughters' father, and I still loved him. This was all so surreal.

"We don't know yet, Penny. I am just trying to notify his nearest relatives."

"That would be his girls, Mac; he was an orphan and grew up in foster care. He doesn't have anyone but us."

"Oh, okay then." Mac sounded as disconnected as I felt. Tomas was listening to my side of the conversation and could tell it was bad. I asked Mac to hold a moment, and I looked toward my husband.

"It's Troy; he's been in an accident, and he's in surgery." Tomas wasn't the caring man that Troy was before the divorce, but he was close. I could see the concern in his eyes; I could also see that he knew what I wanted to do.

"Go." He gave me a slight nod, "I'll call your mom and watch the girls till she gets here. Someone should be there for him no matter what happens. You are the closest thing he has to family."

"I'll be there in twenty minutes, Mac." He sounded relieved when he said he'd meet me in the lobby. I don't think he knew what to do. Police are a tight brotherhood; they don't like to see it when one of their own gets injured. I think it reminds them of how fragile they truly are. I gathered my purse and gave Tomas a kiss.

"You are a good man, husband. Thank you." He just smiled at me, and then I was gone.

Mac met me at the door and explained what had happened.

"Troy was in pursuit of an assault suspect. The roads were wet and nasty, so he broke the pursuit, and as he was slowing down, he was broadsided by a drunk who ran an intersection. Unfortunately, he was in the wrong place at the wrong time."

Mac attempted to make me comfortable. He found a place for me to sit and take the baby weight off my hips. That made me feel better physically. Emotionally was another matter entirely.

"His car was shoved sideways off the roadway into a deep ditch. The water was raging, and it took the responding officers about twenty minutes to realize where he was.

"He was trapped in the mangled metal. His radio didn't work, and he couldn't move. He could tell that the bank wasn't safe and wouldn't let anyone come down to help him. He threatened to shoot the first deputy who put themselves at risk." Mac took a breath and studied my face. I think he was trying to decide how I was handling the news.

"You know how stubborn he is." He gave a small smile. "He was awake during the entire forty minutes it took the rescue crew to get him out. It was dangerous. The car shifted a couple of times, and he's lucky he didn't drown. The doc says he's suffering from hypothermia, a Grade II Concussion, and internal bleeding." Mac checked his watch, "He's been in surgery about an hour now."

We remained in the waiting room as his fellow officers came and went. Most of them told me what a great guy Troy was. Neither Mac nor I mentioned that I was his ex-wife unless it made sense to do so.

Tomas showed up before Troy came out of surgery. The doctor explained that he was in bad shape and the rest of the night would tell the story.

Tomas and I made plans for the next day, initially for the kids and then for me. My mother agreed to stay with her granddaughters and not say much till we knew more about Troy's condition. At six, Marianne would understand more of what was happening than Susan would at four. However, the separation, divorce, and sporadic visitations had messed with both girls, so I wasn't sure how they would react to seeing their daddy in the hospital like this.

We decided that I would call out of work to be with Troy. I was allowed to see him when he was brought to his room. It's hard to describe my feelings when I saw the man I was once married to lying helpless in that bed, wires attached to his chest, tubes in his mouth, and others running out from under the sheets. He looked fragile, almost lifeless. The strong, virile man I once knew was reduced to a shell. He lost some weight after the divorce, and it appeared that he hadn't regained it. The trauma heightened the disparity. He wasn't the Troy I remembered anymore. I could see cuts and abrasions running along the parts of his body that weren't covered by the thin hospital blankets. The bruises were a deep purple, almost black. I stifled my sobs as I pulled a straight-back chair up along the bed.

I took Troy's hand in mine and reminded him of what he had to live for. I bargained with God to just let him come through this. I was raised in a strict religious home, but I haven't talked with God for years, especially after divorcing Troy and marrying Tomas. I felt unworthy. Troy's condition frightened me. It terrified me to my core and caused me to reach out to God for help.

I watched my ex-husband lie there motionless for hours. Somewhere during the vigil, I fell asleep. His sudden thrashing brought me back. It took a second to remember where I was, why I was there, why I heard alarms and why I saw people rushing into the room. I could see Troy's eyes were wide, though it didn't look like he could focus on anything or anyone. He looked panicked.

I moved back, allowing the staff to do their work which they performed flawlessly. After removing his tracheal intubation and sedating him again, the doctor came to me.

"I understand you're his only family?"

"I'm his ex-wife, but we have two girls together." I stood there, tormented. This shouldn't be happening to him. Not this man. What did he do to deserve an unfaithful wife, an out-of-the-blue divorce, two years of depression, and now this? A thought occurred to me. "Should I bring his girls to see him, Doctor?"

The doctor studied me for a moment, then his face changed when he understood what I was asking. "Well, that's always your choice, but if you're asking me if they need to come and say goodbye, then no, I don't think so." He scribbled that impossible writing doctors are famous for onto a notepad and then looked back at me.

"His body has seen a lot of damage, but he's strong. He's already responding better than I would have thought he would. Very tentatively and cautiously, I think he will recover; time will give us the answer to that. He does have a few more milestones to reach before he's completely out of the woods." I knew he was wary and trying not to make any promises that he could be held to but still comfort me. "At this moment, it wouldn't surprise me if he made a full recovery."

I dabbed at a tear, "He is a bullheaded and stubborn man, Doctor. He won't allow anything else."

Smiling, the doctor touched my arm, "Very good then. Are you staying with him?"

"I planned on it if it's all right." He just smiled and patted my arm where he had been touching me.

"It's more than all right; having a friendly person in the room will help." He put away his notes and headed out the door, leaving me alone again with Troy.

I continued my prayerful bargaining with God as the night crept on. I wasn't sure what time it was. I had to get out of that uncomfortable chair and stretch my legs, so I walked up and down the halls for a while. When I returned, a very battered and awake man watched me walk through the door.

"Penny, why are you here? Are the girls all right?" His speech was slurred, either from the drugs, the injuries, or maybe both. I had to smile. He's still an asshole! I was hoping that he would awaken as the man I knew before. I would have never called him that in the past, but the last two years have been an emotional ride for both of us, and that experience will change people.

"They're fine, Troy; I stayed with you to make sure you had someone here." I sipped the stale coffee and watched his face work through his emotions.

After several silent minutes, "Thank you."

I walked over to him and held his hand. This was the first kind thing he had said since I asked for the divorce.

"Penny, I've been a dick." Wow, he was calling it as I saw it. I just stood there wondering where he was going with this.

His voice was raspy from the tubes and weak from the surgery, but it appeared like he had something to say. "I was hurt when you left me. Crushed, really. I made myself angry with you and hated Tomas for taking what was mine." His mouth moved like he had more to say, but nothing came out. I sat beside him and continued to hold his hand.

"When I was sitting in that water, I thought it was the end. I thought I was going to die, and I thought back on my life." He paused to gather his energy. "Mostly, I was proud.

"I was proud of going to school, graduating near the top of my class, and getting a job as a sheriff. And proudest of marrying you and having the girls." My chest tightened. I hoped I knew where this was going, but of course, I wasn't sure. I had done this wonderful man so wrong, so I just tried to keep control of my emotions and allowed him to bare himself.

"These last couple of years were different. I'm not proud of them. I'm not proud of myself, I'm not proud of how I treated you, and I'm not proud of how I treated the girls. As I sat pinned in that car, I wondered if they would be proud of the man they knew or happy that they wouldn't ever have to see me again." Tears flowed freely now; this man was breaking me. "Do you think they will ever forgive me?"

My voice cracked, filled with my own regrets and turmoil, "Of course, they will, Troy. If you try to be the man, I know you still are, they'll forgive you and love you forever." We sat quietly. He turned his hand and winced as he weakly squeezed mine.

"How about you?"

"Me what, Troy?" I locked eyes with the one eye that wasn't closed from the swelling.

"Will you forgive me for the way I've treated you these last couple of years?" The pain was back on his face, but it wasn't physical. It was emotional this time.

"Of course, Troy, I forgive you. But It's me that needs your forgiveness. I'm the one who did you wrong." I held his gaze. "I'm not happy about how you've treated the girls, but I've deserved everything you've given me. Can you ever forgive me?"

"I think so, Penny. I thought about that as I lay there trapped. I hate what you did. But I started to understand it as I thought about our lives. I talked to God about it for the first time, and he said I needed to forgive you, so he'd let me into heaven." I looked upon his face to see he was serious.

"I'm not sure it works that way, but I'm glad he thought I was important enough to mention." I smiled and chuckled lightly.

"You've got your own shit to answer for, Penny, but he was holding me accountable for mine. And he said I needed to forgive you so I could forgive myself. And I needed to understand I didn't do anything wrong. And that you did what you thought was best for you. And that you need to be happy." I could tell this conversation was wearing him out.

"Yes, Troy, you didn't do anything wrong." The whole situation was unreal. The man who had hated me for the past two years was laying out some hard truths for me. I was also concerned that Troy had a full conversation with God about me. He was never a seriously religious guy, so for him to talk freely about a conversation with God disturbed me a little. "So, you actually talked with God?"

He looked sleepily at me, "Yes." His body slumped down into the stark white sheets. "I called out for him when I thought I was going to die, and he came to me. Well, I think he came. I was in a lot of pain and was having difficulty staying conscious. I knew if I passed out, I would drown. I was struggling to keep my chin out of the water.

"The important things become clear when you think you're going to die. I thought about my girls and what an ass I've been to them. I thought about you and the hate I was carrying. I thought about the energy it took for me to stay mad at you. Then I thought of how you guys might remember me, and it made me sad." He was losing his battle with the light quickly. "It killed me that you might be glad I was dead. That's when I knew."

"I forgive you, Penny Sandoval. I forgive you for hurting me. I forgive you for breaking my heart. I want you to be happy...I want to be happy."

I watched the Troy I once knew slip into a deep, exhausted sleep. I stood there with tears streaming down my face. I wasn't sure if he would remember this when he woke up later, but for the moment, I was relieved.

Troy did remember. Our interactions beyond that point were pleasant, almost friendly. His girls came and saw their daddy, and he apologized to them as well.

It took time for Troy to recover, but he did make a full recovery. A home nurse and I traded off taking care of him until he could take care of himself.

He was a different man now. The old Troy was back. My Troy was back. He was kind to Tomas. I figured they would never go on a charter fishing trip together, but they talked and were cordial to one another. Troy sat with us at school functions, re-engaged with my family at birthdays, and even visited us during the holidays that year. He became a father again, and the girls couldn't have been happier. Troy started living his new life after me.

My parents were happy to have Troy back in the girl's life. They continually admonished me after the split, and it took a long time for my father to be able to be in the same room as me. I think both were shamed by my actions. My mom seemed to understand my reasons, but my dad didn't. Sometimes I wonder if she didn't personally relate to my situation more than she let on.

In time, they made peace with my decision and decided to be part of our lives once again. It proved to be the right choice. They gained such a wonderful and loving family.

Do I regret that Tomas was a self-centered kid who ran off without trying to make a life with me? Yeah, he was a boy then and made the choices that a boy makes.

Did I regret marrying Troy? No.

Did I regret having two beautiful, intelligent, strong girls with him? Hell no!

Do I regret leaving Troy and marrying Tomas when he came back? No. In all my life, it was the only decision I ever made which put me first.

Do I regret the pain I caused Troy and the girls? Hell yes! But over the years, I came to understand that I would have sabotaged my relationship with Troy after learning that Tomas was still in love with me. There weren't any good alternatives.

As I look at my life, I realize that this is the way it was supposed to be.

No more regrets. Life isn't always fair. And happiness isn't always perfect.