Crash And Burn Pt. 02

Maddie would usually stumble out of bed and drag her feet down the stairs following the smell like a zombie in a trance - hair a tangled mess and still in her jammies, not waking until her first sip of coffee. But not today. Today she was already dressed and looked as if she'd spent the night practicing on a speech for the debate team.

"Morning!" her mom said cheerily.

Maddie said nothing as she plopped herself down at the table and stared at the empty plate in front of her.

"Alright then," her mom continued, "I can see that we are in a mood today. Bad date last night with Benjamin? Saying your goodbyes can be tough."

"Are you sick? Can't speak? Say good morning to your mom," scolded her dad, "The breakfast she made looks delicious."

"It's ok, Ron, maybe she just doesn't feel like chatting this..."

"Mom? Dad?" Maddie blurted, "I think I'm gay. I think I may be a lesbian."

Her mom turned from the stove holding a plate of bacon and looked past Maddie to stare blankly at her husband.

"I, I didn't say that the right way. I don't think I'm gay. I know I am Lesbian," she stammered and said with more conviction.

Her mom set down the plate on the table, rushed over, and gave her daughter a hug, "Oh, my baby!"

Maddie buried her head in her mom's waist and slowly returned the embrace. She had stayed up all night thinking about the her body, about sex, and the relationships she had with the people in and around her.

Her thoughts recalled her first day of high school and getting assigned a locker to change into workout clothes for gym class. She had grown accustomed to being typecast as the quirky nerd girl that the likes of Anna Marie and her crowd of close knit friends had no problems asking questions about science or math problems on, but never invited to hang with or join their group. Having to tolerate in various classes their constant and never ending conversations on boys and make-up was one thing, but she was unprepared to see them undressing in lockers next to her.

"Mom? Dad? Will my nipples stay pink or turn darker and what things can I do to make my breasts grow faster?" she bluntly asked her parents after that first day.

"Let's have a seat and talk over some of the things to expect your body to go through as a female in the coming years, ok?" her parents had calmly said to her in reply.

She thought about having sex with Benjamin and how that might feel. She would freely touch and kiss him but, despite the exploring, she never saw him nude. There was no desire to. Her fascination in him was with the changes she would notice him go through - a stubble of hair here, a broadening of his shoulders, or a deepening in his voice.

She thought of the incident that started the small spark that brought her to begin to question her thoughts on attraction and urges. She had only entered the competition for prom queen at the suggestion of her guidance counselor who felt she needed something more social to help round out her college resume than leadership positions in the Model U.N. and on the debate team. Three years after her freshman gym class and she was again sharing an open space with female classmates in various states of undress that barely knew her name.

"Here, let me help you with that," Anna Marie said coming up behind Maddie to assist in hooking her strapless bra.

"Um, thanks," said Maddie cautiously.

"You have a really nice formal dress. Did you pick it out yourself? It really accents your figure."

Maddie was a bit taken aback and cautiously suspicious. She tried to remember if they'd ever had a conversation that didn't involve her giving Anna Marie an answer to a homework question or class assignment.

"You do know that you're the prettiest girl in here, right?" Anna Marie said.

Maddie stared in the mirror before her with a shocked look on her face. Anna Marie was focused on her back and fastening her bra and luckily couldn't see that what she said had flushed Maddie's face completely white. There was no joking sarcasm in her sudden statement. She said it plainly and clear as if it was an indisputable fact and Maddie fought to hold back shaking as she felt Anna Marie's hands rub over her shoulders.

"Luckily, this is a popularity contest and I'm sure to win, but if the judges have any sense in them, you'll be standing next to me as one of the princesses in my court. Just don't stand your beauty too close to the queen, ok?"

Goosebumps formed all over Maddie's body and her cheeks now blushed red as Anna Marie rolled her hands down her side and caressed her figure. She brought her hands across the small of her back and then zipped up the dress.

"Good luck," she said in Maddie's ear, seemingly making her well wishes into a whispered kiss.

Recalling how Anna Marie's hand felt brought her thoughts to how much she enjoyed how her own fingers felt when she was left alone. Once she started to really question herself, it was all too clear - her preference was for the female touch. All she needed to do now was then figure a way how to tell her parents. She expected some form of acceptance from her mother because that was just who her mom was - genuinely encouraging to a fault.

"I'm so proud of you!" her mom said kissing her forehead.

Maddie smiled and turned to her dad with a wide-eyed optimistic gaze for it was her dad's reaction that really concerned her.

"Ron, say something," her mom silently mouthed.

"Can you pass me the syrup, please?"

"Ron!"

"What? I'm hungry."

"Ronald Carson!"

Water started welling up in the corners of Maddie's eyes and her lips trembled. She loved her parents and worked hard not to disappoint them. She told her mom things that normally would be told to close girlfriends from school, if she had any, but deep down, through it all, she was a daddy's girl. A frown from her father would send her into a sadness that lasted until she righted the wrong and an approving nod from him could send her floating on a cloud of confidence for days.

"Don't yell at me, Liza! I conceived this child. I watched her come into this world and held her lovingly in my arms before her own mother did. Taught her how to ride a bike. Took her to band practice. We were there every step of the way as she competed to become prom queen for Highland High. And now I'm sitting here in our house just dumbfounded by it all," her dad said rubbing his temples, "As close knit as I thought this family was, here is our daughter, telling us this supposed bombshell, as if we didn't already know."

Maddie looked up at her parents speechless and confused. How could they know anything like this, despite the certainty of her dad, when she only truly realized herself last night?

"Shush, Ron! Dear, ignore your father over there, ok? We didn't exactly know anything," her mom rushed to clarify, "But we've always prayed for you. We knew you would find your way if we didn't pressure you and gave you your necessary space. You found your way in choosing quality friends like Benjamin, in studying and being a great student in school and at church, and you defined your own personal morals with a little guidance from us and your own experiences."

"You're rambling, Liza, tell the girl your point already."

"Nothing is set in stone and, hopefully, you'll continue to redefine things even more as you grow. We love you. Is that enough?" her mom said pouting towards her dad.

"We're your folks," her dad continued, "We are Carsons! Our God is love. Every child we know of, straight or gay, came from heterosexual parents and we are all made in the image of our Lord and Savior. Not a single cell in your body isn't perfect. We will always be here for you and there's nothing that would ever stop us from loving you. Do you understand that, baby? Nothing!"

"Yes, your dad's right, however you live your life and whoever you choose to give your love to is just an opportunity for this family to spread God's love and kindness even more," her mom smiled.

"Geez, will somebody please pass me the syrup? My pancakes are getting cold!"

Maddie wiped away the tears from her eyes and ran to give her dad a hug, "I think I have the best parents ever!"

________________

"Good morning, Ms. Carson, I've got another package here for you," the FedEx deliveryman said.

"Jeff? I've told you a hundred times, it's Maddie. You don't have to call me

Ms. Carson every time you come in here."

"I know, I know, but I'm standing in a law office and I'm just being as professional in my job as I can be to limit my liability before you make me do what I know you're gonna want me to do," Jeff said cautiously.

"Another package?" asked Maddie.

Jeff shook his head slowly in affirmation.

"Throw it away in the dumpster on your way out like the others, ok?" Maddie said firmly as she turned and walked away.

"Ooooh, is that another 'I'm sorry' gift from Rachel?" Mrs. Boehlert asked, popping her head out her office door, "Ignore what she just told you to do, Jeff, open it up and let's all see what's in there before you trash it this time."

"Did I hear someone mention Rachel?" Mr. Boehlert walked in with a half eaten apple in his hand, "It must be morning mail delivery time."

"Well, looks like the gang's all here," huffed Maddie, "You might as well go ahead and open it now, Jeff."

Jeff placed the package on Maddie's desk and cut at the sides with his box cutter. He dug his hands in past the wrappings and raised a stuffed, rainbow colored unicorn horse and a dozen roses over his head.

"They're beautiful!" said Mrs. Boehlert.

"There's also a card and a jewelry box with a gold bracelet," added Mr. Boehlert sifting through the remains of the wrappings.

Maddie took the card and without any hesitation immediately ran it through the paper shredder at her side.

"Okay, ok, everyone the show is over. There's nothing more to see. Jeffrey?" Maddie said trying to contain her anger, "You go and give that bracelet to your wife and the stuffed animal to your daughter Emma as gifts for this Easter weekend, ok? They would love that if you brought it home to them. Mrs. Boehlert, you can have the roses since you find them beautiful. I'm sure they'd look better on your desk than in the trash."

Jeff thanked Maddie and went on his way. Mrs. Boehlert went looking for something to hold the flowers in, leaving Mr. Boehlert at the front of Maddie's desk standing alone and happily munching on the last bit of his apple with a silly grin across his face.

"What? What's so funny?" Maddie asked.

"You! You're funny. You've been committed to ignoring her for months now. How long do you think you both can go on like this?"

Maddie inwardly seethed at being asked such a direct question about Rachel Anderson. Never once in the months that she had worked for the Boehlerts had either of them asked for details on the relationship Maddie had had with Rachel. Maddie was here working for them because of a specific arrangement Rachel had made with the Boehlerts. The Boehlerts were both very capable and smart lawyers and step by step instructions wasn't needed for them to figure out the missing pieces to the puzzle on her and Rachel's past.

"As long as she has money to burn and trash bins exist," Maddie said briskly, hoping to put a quick end to anymore questions.

"I know, Maddie, that there's a lot of pain there. I'm really not prying for details,"

Mr. Boehlert said trying to disarm the noticeable tension in Maddie's voice, "But you and I should have a talk. I'm really terrible at keeping secrets and I've got a few for you."

"Secrets? You've got secrets for me?"

"Uh-huh, a few! But first, I think it's time I also told you a little story about a young woman fresh out of college, struggling to be a lawyer in a male dominated profession, while still trying to find who she really is sexually."

"Mr. Boehlert, I'm sorry, but I really don't care to talk about Rachel right now."

"I'm not talking about Rachel."

Maddie sat up straight in her chair. She had seen firsthand Mr. Boehlert work a witness on the stand and she felt that she was there now. She learned from watching that the best approach to his questions was always the truth.

"Mr. Boehlert, with all due respect, I came to realize who I was and who I liked, in terms of sex, back when I was..."

"I'm not talking about you, either. I'm referring to my wife."

"Erica? Mrs. Boehlert?"

"Yes. You see, I was sure I loved her from the moment we met, but that wasn't the case for her. She had other options and, to be honest, I wasn't even in the top 3 of those," Mr. Boehlert exclaimed, "She dated others. She cared for other men and, yes, also other women. Sometimes, Maddie, you have to fight for the ones you love and sometimes you have to sit tight and wait. I bided my time and was always there for her when she needed me and, eventually, she saw that my love for her was true above all her, you know, other intimate friends."

"Um, what happened to her desires? Do you two have an open marriage? Is that where you're going with this story?"

"No," Mr. Boehlert smiled, "We're not in an open marriage, but I've never stopped her from exploring her sexuality, if she so chose. If she did decide to show an interest in someone else then we would talk about it and deal with it like adults."

"So, you're telling me that you believe that the adult thing for me to do is to wait on Rachel and give her time to grow? I'm confused by what you consider a secret - she's a 36 year old woman!"

"Maddie, I'm not telling you to fight for her and I'm certainly not telling you to wait. Just because that worked for me does not mean that it would be the best course for you."

"So what is your point?"

"What I'm saying is that not everyone in this world are like you and I. Not everyone is so sure about their true love or are that confident in their sexuality. to openly state it and then live it without judgement. Erica and I have been married for 32 years now. We have some set ways, sure, but we also make room to continue to grow and discover new things about each other."

"Even if I was any more patient with Rachel, I can't excuse the past or things done. She's really hurt me, Mr. Boehlert, and I'm not sure I want to wait for her to find herself and I know I don't want to open myself up to any more pain. So, yes, her attempts at apologizing are going to continue to go straight to the garbage."

"Erica and I met Rachel over 10 years ago at a legal seminar in Phoenix and we were impressed with her sharp mind and love of the law. We've been close friends ever since," Mr. Boehlert said, "You, on the other hand, know her in a much more personal way than we do and I'm not asking for any details of your relationship, ok? I believe you when you say she, despite her age, may still be in need of maturing and self reflection."

Mr. Boehlert reached into his jacket pocket and laid an envelope onto Maddie's desk.

"That's from her, isn't it?" Maddie sighed, "Did she put you up to this?"

"She called me last week to ask how you were doing. I told her that Erica and I didn't want to get involved in any of the personal things between you two, but we would be more than happy to talk to her about how great you've been working since we first met you."

Maddie stared blankly at the envelope before her, not indicating to Mr. Boehlert if she wanted to open and read or shred.

Mr. Boehlert came closer and placed his hand on Maddie's shoulder, "I want you to listen to me, ok? I'm telling you this as a friend. I don't want you to open that if you feel it's going to cause you any mental harm or pain. We've come to care for you too much to see that happen to you. But, I can tell you, it also took Rachel a lot of pride swallowing to break down and ask me to personally give this to you. And, I only did this for her with strict stipulations. I told her that I'd give that to you only if she promised that she would respect whatever position you took and that she would stop contacting and trying to win you over with gifts after this attempt."

Maddie looked at the envelope and took in a deep breath and slowly smiled, "Thank you, Mr. Boehlert, I appreciate your honesty with me."

"Oh my God! You told her, didn't you?" Mrs. Boehlert shouted out as she returned from her office and saw the smile on Maddie's face, "You told her without me!"

"I said nothing!" Mr. Boehlert said, motioning his fingers across his lips, "My lips were sealed. I promise!"

"What's goin on? What am I not supposed to know?" asked Maddie.

"Well, Erica, now that you've started blabbing, I want the court stenographer to put it into the official transcripts that it was you, and not me, who began to spill the beans," laughed Mr. Boehlert, "So you go right ahead and continue to tell her what me and my supposed big mouth did not."

Maddie stared at the couple as they stood before her smiling, fidgeting, and exchanging anxious stares between themselves.

"Well? Feel free to speak to me anytime."

"Maddie!" Mrs. Boehlert blurted, "We want to hand over our practice to you!"

"What?! Wait?! Why?! What?! That's crazy! Why would you want to do that?" asked Maddie.

"Erica's getting a little ahead of herself, ok? We wouldn't just hand it over to you. There would be a transition."

"And it's not totally crazy," said Mrs. Boehlert, "We've been putting a great deal of thought behind this for weeks."

"That's right. We've had this practice for over 25 years and none have been more enjoyable than this past year since you've been here. Look, Maddie, we know that you did not come to this job with high hopes and this was not in your plans for your legal future, but we think that the circumstances that brought you here has been a blessing in disguise for the both of us."

"I like it here. I love working for you both. Yes, I'll be honest, it's true that the last thing I wanted was to be here. I wanted nothing else to do with Rachel, especially accepting a position she had her hands in arranging for me. I was packing my suitcases to leave Arizona when you called and asked me to come start over fresh here. You two were so genuine and honest in wanting me to work for you that..." Maddie paused as her voice wavered, "Since I've been employed by you, you've given me so much more responsibility than I would have gotten at Rachel's law firm in Sedona, and, more importantly, you've treated me like family. I'm so grateful for this offer, but, I'm sorry, I must decline. I'm not experienced enough to take over your practice."

"Nonsense! It's because of you that we finally won a settlement in the Thompson divorce case," beamed Mrs. Boehlert.

"His lawyers had successfully stalled and delayed us for months claiming one of Arizona's richest men was broke and needed more time to access all his financial records," added Mr. Boehlert.

"Mrs. Thompson was on the verge of finding someone else to represent her," said Mrs. Boehlert, "And then you found her husband's name and real estate company linked to offshore accounts in Bermuda."

"It was nothing really," shrugged Maddie, "It was in the public domain so..."

"Oh, stop! You're allowed to be a prideful braggart!" interrupted Mrs. Boehlert, "You saved our asses!"

"We won a huge settlement for Mrs. Thompson, his lawyers were this close to being disbarred for misleading the court, and their firm was forced to pay all our court costs on top of the settlement," smiled Mr. Boehlert.

"It's with that substantial windfall that we could afford to hire on not one, but two paralegals," said Mrs. Boehlert, "Two new paralegals to work under you!"

"And pay for you to become certified to practice here in Arizona," added Mr. Boehlert, "You have the smartest young mind for the law we've ever seen! And that includes Rachel! Passing the bar will be the easy part for you, we're not at all concerned about that, and from there we will help transition you and your staff through the first year or so..."