Crazy Cornelius & the Magic Pills Ch. 03

Then Erica squirmed in terror in her mother's arms as the posh English accent of the toilet demon replied to her father. "Oh, good morning Sir. Sorry I didn't respond earlier, I had my mouth full of your daughter's shit, and it isn't very polite to speak with one's mouth full, is it?"

"You are disgusting!" shouted Alistair. He put up the seat and looked into the bowl, Erica's lingering toilet smell making him even more convinced that a demon hid down the lavatory. "Come on out, demon! Come out and show yourself!"

The voice of the demon laughed. "No, I don't think so Sir. I'm having way too much fun down here with your teenage daughter's shit."

"You heard Mr. Hawkins, come out demon and face us now!" shouted Gavin, his face red with rage. "How dare you scare Erica while she's trying to go to the toilet!"

"Always so protective of your little girlfriend, aren't you there young Gavin?" asked the toilet demon. "Too bad there's nothing you can do to protect her from me, or my ill-tempered colleague in the bathroom."

The utterly perplexed Cornelius and Danielle stood outside the lavatory looking for any sign of the demon. It did not appear, but did address Danielle. "Oh good morning Danielle, the young woman who scrunches her toilet paper when she wipes her bottom rather than folds it like your little sister-in-law. When I've finished eating Erica's shit, I'll be diving down in the sewers to eat your bowel movements too. Menstruating girls' feces and period blood, what a treat."

"You are disgusting, you freak!" Danielle yelled at the toilet.

"Yeah, come out here demon and I'll fucking smash you," Cornelius said. "Talking about my wife like that! Come out so I can fight you!"

"If I were you I wouldn't threaten a demon young man," said the toilet demon. "Anyway, I think you have bigger problems. Why don't you go and see what's happening in your living room with your television?"

Cornelius, who had forgotten about the strange things with the TV over the drama with the demons, ran back in there, seeing flashing brightly colored disco-style lights coming from this room and this room only. Everyone else followed him, also seeing the multi-colored lights in the room and hearing the evil laughter of the power point demon in the bathroom as they went past.

Inside the living room, Cornelius's half-eaten bowl of cereal sat on the coffee table, and the kids TV cartoon show about the cranky robots that were always giving the Earth settlers a hard time on the far distant planet was still on.

Except now the robots were not interested in the settlers, they were interested in whatever was going on in the Hawkins' living room, staring at the tall figure of Cornelius. "There he is!" intoned the lead robot, which was black in color as it pointed through the TV screen at the young man. "Cornelius Hawkins, our enemy. Capture him and take him to the space ship for interrogation, then kill him!"

"Kill him, kill him, kill him!" chanted the robots repeatedly, working themselves into quite a frenzy.

"No, please don't!" the terrified Cornelius pleaded, something the robots did not heed.

"Kill him, kill him, kill him!" they continued to chant, before making their move. From out of the TV came the black robot, followed by his minions which were in a variety of colors -- red, blue, yellow, green, orange, purple, brown and white -- and stood in the Hawkins' living room, pointing at Cornelius.

"Kill him, kill him, kill him!" chanted the robots, Cornelius running back down the hallway as the robots chased him. All Gavin and the Hawkins family could do was watch as the robots chased Cornelius through the house, Alistair and Gavin chasing the robots after the last of them came through the TV.

Cornelius sprinted for the back door and with the pursuing robots very close, he threw the door open and ran outside, the robots chasing him. Then when he reached the back fence Cornelius threw himself face down onto the grass and rolled to one side into the bushes. The robots must have thought their quarry had escaped over the fence and fired up their jet packs, flying over the fence in pursuit, Alistair and Gavin watching them go on their way.

"Come here, come here human so we can get you!" the furious lead robot chanted, before they all vanished from sight.

"Are the robots all gone?" Faye appeared on the back patio while Cornelius emerged from the bushes, looking nervously to make sure there were no more robots to get him.

"Yes, they flew away over the fence," said Alistair.

Faye felt momentary relief but this was soon replaced by more fear when she heard her daughter's terrified voice again. "Mum, Dad, Gavin -- help!"

Faye, Alistair and Gavin raced inside, Cornelius following them still terrified of the robots coming back to get him, and encountered Erica and Danielle standing outside the living room, from which the disco lights continued to flash unabated. Erica was clearly terrified as was Danielle, an unusual reaction from her.

"Mum, Dad, I'm so sorry," Erica sobbed, again dissolving into tears. "We tried to turn off the TV to stop any more robots coming through it, but we made it worse." The terrified teen put her fingers in her mouth.

"Worse, what do you mean worse?" demanded Alistair.

"I think you'd better see for yourself," said the clearly freaked Danielle.

Alistair, Faye, Gavin and Cornelius stood at the entrance to the living room, amazed at what was going on, despite everything else that had happened on this extraordinary Friday morning.

"We couldn't turn off the TV, we tried, but eventually we managed to change channels," said Erica.

"But there was a segment on a morning news show about the Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras and the next thing we knew they came out of the TV and were in the living room before we could stop them," said Danielle, pointing nervously at the scene.

"We managed to get the TV to the VCR channel," said Erica, indicating the television which was now showing static snow. "But it was too late. I'm so sorry. Please don't be angry."

"Erica, it's okay, it wasn't your fault," Faye assured her, looking in dismay at what was happening in her living room.

From out of the screen had emerged quite a number of gay and lesbians from the Mardi Gras parade. There were men dressed in black leather skimpy outfits carrying rainbow flags, drag queens, butch dykes with weird hairstyles and that awful new body piercing trend, some gay men and women in costumes such as firemen, sailors, cowboys and cowgirls, and there was even some fruit -- quite appropriately -- dressed up as a banana. All were dancing happily in the Hawkins' lounge-room, oblivious to the occupants of the house.

Alistair Hawkins was not so much dismayed at the homosexuals and lesbians in his house, he was outraged. He hated the Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras, wanting the 'poofter parade' banned, and had even joined a protest against it one year. Now he had these faggots and lesbians in his house, and he was not standing for it.

"Get out, get out of my house you faggots!" bellowed Alistair. He ran into the living room, chasing the gays and lesbians around the room, the poofs when confronted with the angry home owner sensibly running away.

"Go on, get out, get out of my house you homos, go on piss off you fucking perverted freaks!" roared Alistair. Like the robots had done with Cornelius earlier, Alistair chased the homosexuals around the house, before they ran towards the front door.

Gavin, anticipating what would happen, opened the front door and held open the security screen so that the homosexuals and lesbians could leave, which they did, running away across the front lawn and up the street.

"And don't ever come into my house again!" roared Alistair as he chased them to the front verge. "Faggots, poofters, homos, freaks, dykes!" he bellowed at their departing forms, the guy in the banana outfit struggling to keep up thanks to the cumbersome costume.

"Fucking faggots, all I need this morning," growled Alistair as he turned back towards the house, again irritated by the Irish music as the burglar, pig, orangutan and frog continued to dance on the roof. "Fucking stop that!" he bellowed at them, to no effect.

Erica, who had come to make sure Gavin and her father were both okay and that the homosexuals and lesbians were gone, stepped her bare feet onto the porch and stopped short, her face going white before she let out a scream, pointing in terror at the house across the road.

"Dad, Gavin, what's he doing still alive?" Erica said in a voice full of panic, indicating Mr. Cole who still worked in his garden, oblivious to the dancing creatures on the Hawkins' roof and the large group of costumed homosexuals and lesbians that had ran up the street.

Gavin realized Erica hadn't seen the supposedly dead neighbor yet this morning. "Erica, it's okay..." he began, but Erica was having none of it.

"He's dead, he can't be here," she said. "He can't just be back from the dead."

Alistair guided his terrified teenage daughter inside with Gavin's assistance. "Erica, you need to calm down and stop panicking, okay?" he said firmly.

"How can I calm down with the dead neighbor coming back to life across the road?" Erica lamented. "He's a ghost, I know it."

Danielle appeared to assist in calming Erica down, but her advice wasn't helpful. "Erica, I don't think he's a ghost, he's a zombie."

"A zombie?" Erica looked even more terrified.

"Great advice Danielle," sighed Faye from an adjacent doorway. She then turned to Erica. "Erica, there must have been a mistake yesterday and he must still be alive. He isn't a ghost or something, there has to be another explanation."

"Yeah come on Erica, he doesn't look like a ghost," said Gavin, trying to reassure his terrified girlfriend.

"Now that looks like a ghost," said Cornelius, pointing at a spot further along the hallway. Everyone turned to see a floating, ill-defined but definitely female white shape hovering, before it flew towards them emitting shrill, evil, witch-like cackling. Everyone threw themselves to the ground as the ghostly figure went over their heads, then vanished up into the ceiling through a corner vent, where it could still be heard in the roof-space, banging and rapping and laughing its evil laugh.

Soon there was another sound to alarm the Hawkins family, and this was what sounded like an aircraft engines. All six of them rushed outside onto the back garden and their mouths dropped open at what they saw in the skies overhead. Passing over their house was an unidentified flying object of enormous size, the engines of the flying saucer emitting a droning noise.

"Cornelius, get back under the fucking patio you fucking idiot!" yelled Alistair, as his son went out onto the lawn to get a better look at the evil and menacing alien spacecraft as it passed by. "You want them to capture you?"

Cornelius scurried back onto the patio, and Alistair spoke urgently. "We have to get out of here. It's obvious what's happening, aliens are after us, they want to capture us and make us go and live in a spaceship in outer space. They've got demons, ghosts and monsters helping them too, so we can't stay here, we need to leave now!"

"Your father is right," asserted Faye to her kids. "Erica and Danielle go and get dressed, all of you pack some changes of clothes and essentials like toothbrushes. Quickly!"

"What about me?" Gavin asked.

"The aliens want to capture you too, Gavin," said Alistair solemnly. "They want to do experiments on us, and they will stop at nothing until they take you too. You're coming with us."

His girlfriend's father was talking perfect sense. "Yes, do you want me to go and pack?"

Alistair shook his head. "No. We'll stop very quickly when we leave so you can get a few things. If you go back to your house now, you'll be more vulnerable to being abducted."

The UFO seemed to have gone on its way, but Alistair was far from relaxed. "It will call other craft to come and look for us, so we need to move fast," he said.

Everyone turned to go back inside the house, but stopped short as they heard a noise on the back fence. Turning to look, they watched as a large black panther leaped up and walked with perfect feline balance along it. The panther looked at them with its big yellow eyes and while it did not make a move to attack them, the appearance of the alien big cat obviously alarmed all of them, not least Erica, who led the way inside before slamming the door closed.

"Now quick girls, hurry up, essentials only, don't waste time when you get dressed, we need to get out of here before the aliens arrive," said Faye. She in turn hurried for the door that led to the granny flat and banged urgently upon it.

"Brendan, Brendan, we have to go!" she yelled. "Come out, there's already demons and ghosts in the house, weird animals outside plus robots and monsters, the aliens already have UFOs out searching for us, and they'll be here soon to capture us and make us live on a spaceship!"

Alistair pulled his wife away from the door. "Faye, what are you doing?"

"Alistair, we need to take Brendan with us," said Faye. "We can't leave him here for them to get him. He can travel with Cornelius and Danielle in their car."

"Faye, he won't come out," said Alistair. "We're just wasting time, putting ourselves in danger. We have to leave him behind. Plus he's weak, it's too much of a risk to take him. If we take him with us and the aliens or demons get hold of him, he will betray us."

Faye was distraught. "Alistair, we can't just abandon our own son."

"Maybe they won't know he's here?" suggested Alistair. "He hides away all day, he's got plenty of supplies and never goes outside. Obviously the aliens and the people helping them have been spying on us for some time, conspiring about how they are going to get us, but have they ever seen Brendan? No, so if they don't know he's here, then he should be safe."

"I don't know Alistair," protested Faye.

"Dad's right Mum," said Cornelius, for once siding with his father. "Brendan is way too much of a liability to take with us, the aliens will have us in a UFO and out past Neptune by this afternoon. But I've got an idea to keep him safe."

Cornelius ran out the front door and to his wreck of a car, flinging open the back door and retrieving the blow up crocodile and the male and female sex dolls he had scavenged from the dumpster at Newtown the day before. He was in such a hurry he left the car door ajar, and could only look in bewilderment as a burglar, giant frog, the pig from earlier and an orangutan danced on the roof, accompanied by Irish music which had no clear source.

"What are those supposed to do?" Alistair growled, regarding the inflatable crocodile and the sex dolls with suspicion.

Cornelius explained to his parents. "Crocodiles are scary. Clowns and witches are scary. If we blow up the crocodile and the dolls, I'll put my clown costume on the male doll and Erica can put that witch costume of hers on the female doll and we'll put them in front of Brendan's door. Then if aliens turn up to search the house, they'll probably be scared of the crocodile, witch and clown and won't go in there to look for Brendan."

"It might work, Cornelius," said Faye doubtfully.

"It's our only hope," said Cornelius.

"Come on Faye, we need to get going," said Alistair, leading his wife away into their bedroom. While Faye hastily threw some changes of clothes for her and her husband into a sports bag, she watched as Alistair went into a locked cabinet in their walk in wardrobe and retrieved two firearms plus their associated ammunition.

One gun was a 12-gauge double-barrel shotgun, the other a high-powered 0.44 caliber hunting rifle. Faye had long worried about there been powerful guns in the house, especially with a bad-tempered husband quick to anger, one son who was a complete fruit loop and another son who was a paranoid schizophrenic with serious drug problems. When Australia had a gun amnesty and buy back following the massacre at Port Arthur in Tasmania in 1996, Faye had hoped Alistair would get rid of the firearms and lamented the fact that he had outright refused and two years later, the guns were still here. But now Faye could see that Alistair was extremely wise not to have surrendered the firearms.

"I'll take these out to my car, we'll take that and Danielle and Cornelius can take their car," said Alistair, Faye nodding in agreement and listening nervously to the ghosts in the ceiling and the rapping sounds, presumably from poltergeists on the outside of the house.

Cornelius meanwhile had gone into his bedroom. Danielle had dressed in a tee-shirt, her stirrup pants and some sneakers, and was hastily throwing her and her husband some clothes into a bag, leaving the dresser drawers open and giving the already untidy room the appearance of having been ransacked. Ghost and poltergeist noises filled the air as Cornelius asked urgently, "Where's my clown costume?"

Danielle looked at him in disbelief. "Your clown costume? What do you want that for? We need to pack essentials."

"To protect Brendan, I'll explain later," Cornelius said, locating and grabbing the costume. "I'm just going to get Erica, and then I'll be right back."

In Erica's bedroom, she and Gavin had packed some of her things first, and now she was putting on some clothes. She had put on some clean panties -- white bikini briefs with purple flowers and leg and waist elastic -- and a white bra, which she had just fastened when her brother burst in.

"Cornelius, do you mind?" Erica protested, deeply uncomfortable about her older brother seeing her in her underwear.

Cornelius shook his head. "Never mind that now. Erica, where's your witch costume? The one you wore to your high school Halloween dance last year? Quick, hurry up!"

"In my wardrobe," said Erica. "Cornelius..."

"I'll explain later, just hurry up and get dressed and come out here," said Cornelius, frantically searching his sister's wardrobe before retrieving the black dress and pointy black witch hat.

In the bedroom, Erica hastily put on a tee-shirt and a pair of denim shorts, before slipping her feet into sandals and she and Erica joined Cornelius and Danielle in the hallway. "Now, you need to blow up the dolls and I'll blow up the crocodile," he said. "Gavin, go and get two chairs then you dress the female doll in Erica's witch costume, and the male doll in the clown costume. We'll put them in front of the door to the flat, and hopefully the aliens will be scared of them when they come here to get us and they won't go through there and find Brendan."

This all made perfect sense, and the girls hastily blew up the sex dolls while Cornelius blew up the inflatable crocodile, Gavin getting two chairs then dressing the female doll as a witch and the male doll as a clown, Cornelius sitting each of them in a chair, the crocodile in the center as though standing guard.

Alistair was about to open the door that led to the garage when he stopped and rushed back to the bedroom. "Faye, make sure you grab the bank stuff," he called, before returning to the garage, where he looked at the guns and spied some other useful weapons on a shelf in the form of a chainsaw, an axe, a shovel and a length of pipe.

Putting down the guns, Alistair grabbed the chainsaw and other items, but as he turned around to put them in the back of his four wheel drive he stopped, and looked in dismay and disbelief at what he saw.

His four wheel drive was fine, but in Faye's small hatchback sat five men. All were Mexicans, sporting large moustaches and wearing enormous sombrero hats. They showed no reaction to Alistair as he stormed up to the car, brandishing his shot gun.

"Get out of my wife's car!" he bellowed, slamming his fist on the bonnet and taking aim with his shotgun. "You heard me you bastards, get out of the fucking car right now!"