Cruising Altitude

She couldn't say what bothered her about the bikini. It was pretty, and it really did fit her. It made her look more... alive than the solid black one ever had. Come to think of it, her old suit looked like a set of normal underwear, just made from a different material. Left to her own devices, she would have chosen the black bikini. She didn't know why this made her uneasy.

She arranged her face into a smile by the time Lena got back. The drinks had small umbrellas, lots of ice, and slices of lemon wedged onto the rim.

"We can have lunch by the pool!" Lena exclaimed. "I brought a menu of snacks we can pick from. Would that be okay? I wouldn't want to get dressed just yet."

"Sure, yes," Bella said and sipped her drink.

"And there's a bar that's in the pool at the back! So if we want to drink and swim, we can!"

Bella smiled at her friend's enthusiasm. It was contagious in a way. The fruity, fresh but potent drinks helped, and they ended up having a wonderful time at the pool. They even tried the water slides, shrieking and giggling wildly when they splashed into the pool. Like swimming, it brought up childhood memories, and the carefree and reckless mood with them.

They had been in the sun for too long, had a few too many drinks compared to their light lunch, and were considering having one more round.

"We shouldn't," said Bella.

"What if we don't swim anymore? We won't drown that way."

"But I want to swim more."

"How about... we go to that pool bar? Compromise! The curse of any functional relationship!" Lena exclaimed, pulling Bella onto her feet. She giggled, and they headed to the floating bar.

"I'll surprise you," Lena said. "Just find us a place."

Bella eyed over the small pool. Water glittered in sunlight, and she spotted two benches, immersed in the water, at the far side of the pool. She waded over, marveling at how warm the water was against her skin. Her boobs looked a bit red despite their liberally applied sunscreen; swimming washed it off, and even when they had made the effort to keep her pasty skin covered, their newly exposed position had made the sun catch.

Lena waded towards her with a lottery-winning smile. Bella could tell her friend had done something she considered to be an excellent idea.

"Look! Look!" Lena shouted when she got closer. "Look! Isn't it perfect?"

Bella squinted. Lena was towing something on a line behind her. When she got closer, Bella saw that it was two small floating rings shaped like unicorns. Each held a glass, lavishly garnished like all their drinks today with cherries, straws, tiny umbrellas, and colored ice cubes. Each had a palm-like decoration of glittery stripes on a stick, and Lena grabbed one and tickled Bella's chin with it.

"You never guess what they are flavored with!"

Bella reached a hand, received a line, and pulled her drink closer. It was indeed cute. The small unicorn float looked bright and happy, the unicorn winking with a smile that looked positively stoned. It's mane and tail were rainbow striped and the horn was golden. She didn't take the drink in her hand, but rather bowed closer and tried to grasp the straw with only her lips. Lena giggled and mimicked her, and they both chased their drinks around a bit before managing to take a sip.

The flavor was subtle and fruity, distantly candy-like. Bella smacked her lips. "Um... fruit cocktail Hubba Bubba?"

Lena laughed and had to reach for her unicorn before it floated away. "No! You'll never guess! You see"—she leaned closer and whispered—"it's 'unicorn kisses'! Really! They make a unicorn kisses flavored seltzer, and that's used in the drink! They also have one that's flavored 'mermaid songs'! We have to try that next!"

"What! No way!" Bella tasted hers again. "Mmm. So that's what unicorn kisses taste like! I've always wondered!"

"I know!"

"Why are we so excited over a seltzer!"

"I don't know!"

They giggled so hard they nearly fell off their benches.

"Oh look! Your drink is escaping!" Lena laughed, pointing at Bella's drifting drink. Bella made a horrified face and reached to pull it back, nearly spilling it.

Lena grabbed her around the waist to steady her. "We need to stop drinking."

"Agreed," Bella said. "But this is really good."

"How could it not be? It's unicorn flavored!"

They giggled again. "This is actually more of your drink, isn't it," Bella said. "You were the unicorn when we were young."

"I was?"

"Well, we didn't call it that back then. But that's a woman that likes to accompany couples for sex. Like, heterosexual couples."

"Yeah, yeah, right," Lena said and poked her cherries with the straw. "That, that I did. What did we call it back then?"

"Oh, I don't know," Bella said. "A threesome? A third wheel?"

Lena fished for a cherry and munched it thoughtfully. "Is it just me," she asked, spitting the stone back into her drink, "or do you also think 'unicorn' sounds much better than 'a third wheel'?"

"It does, yes it does," Bella agreed. "We were young at the wrong time."

"Nah, it was a good time," Lena said. "No climate change for starters."

"I don't want to talk about it. You make me feel old."

"Okay," Lena agreed.

They sat quietly, sipping their drinks and chilling in the water that was just cool enough to counter the piercing sun. There was almost more ice than liquid in the glasses, and when they were done, they sucked on the ice cubes. Lena took one and glided it over her forehead.

Bella could feel her mood changing. Suddenly the sun was too much, she wanted to get in the shade, but when she stood up her head swam. Lena gathered the lines of the unicorns in one hand, took her by the arm, and together they waded to the bar to return them.

The bartender was young and deeply tanned. His eyes lingered on Bella's boobs for a moment too long when he winked at them and thanked them for returning the floats. Lena nodded and they turned away.

"You okay?" she asked when they stuffed their beach towels in the bag. Bella nodded and fished her flip flops while pulling the sundress over her head.

They showered, got dressed for dinner, and chatted with their adorable newlywed table companions. Food was excellent, the cruise ship settled for another evening of perfect romance over the mild waters.

Bella's mood sank by the minute. She got quieter, wondering whether drinking more would make this better or worse. She didn't really know what was bugging her, but whatever it was, it wasn't easily ignored.

—#—#—#—#—#—

After dinner Bella and Lena loitered around the ship. Bella didn't want to dance. She didn't want to listen to the troubadour performing at the Irish pub, or play billiards, or miniature golf. She was not interested in having her picture taken. She did not want a henna tattoo on her arm nor did she want to play in the ship's casino.

"Come on," Lena said, nudging her. "What do you want to do, then?"

"I don't know!"

"You want to go on the deck and play Titanic?"

Bella's mouth twitched and almost formed a smile before she could reel it back. "That's not funny!"

"I was serious," Lena claimed. "Oh look, that's perfect!"

"What is?"

Lena took Bella by the shoulders and guided her towards a door. "A what—bingo? We're not playing bingo!"

"Come now, love," Lena said. "Bingo is the perfect pastime for grumpy old ladies!"

"Oh no. We're not doing this!"

"Oh yes we are! If you're going to be grumpy, then let's go all the way. You sit down, I'll get the cards."

Bella stuck her tongue out to Lena's retreating back. Bingo, of all things! She sighed and looked around. The other participants all seemed to be in their seventies, or older. Between seventies and death, like her mother used to say.

Lena returned and offered Bella a bingo card. The next round started, and they concentrated for a few minutes. The bingo hostess was cheery and in spite of herself, Bella felt her spirits improve. She had two lines on her card almost full when a small, wrinkly old man in the table to their left shouted out bingo! His partner cheered, and they hugged each other and smiled like they just won the lottery.

Bella looked at their joy and thought, Eli and I will never have that.

She stood up abruptly and started for the door, tears stinging in her eyes. Lena caught her just outside the door, physically stopping her by grabbing her elbow.

"Hey, girl, what is it?"

Bella flailed to get loose and hissed, "That was awful!"

An older female couple were approaching to enter the bingo hall, and Lena pulled Bella to the side to let them pass.

"She's a bad loser," Lena said, smiling apologetically.

Bella snorted and turned toward the wall. Lena guided her along the hallway, until they found a quiet corner with a window facing the calm, dark sea. Stars glimmered over the ship and reflected from the inky water.

Bella wiped her eyes and hissed, furiously, "Why can't you just leave me be! It's not going to get better!"

"What isn't?"

"This... this! I'm old and fat and sad and wrinkly, and... and... useless and I'm doomed to be alone for the rest of my life, and there's not a thing you can do about it! It's not your fault! It's not for you to fix! It's not my fault! It's just the way it is! And don't tell me I'm beautiful!"

Lena looked at her, calmly. "Go on."

"What do you mean, go on? I'm a useless bag of meat! What more do you want to hear?"

"All of it. Go on."

Bella drew a deep breath. She glanced both ways of the corridor, but no one was close enough to hear nor coming their way.

"My kids don't need me anymore," she said with less fury and more pain. "They're so big already, they're almost grown up. Eli doesn't need—no, he doesn't want me anymore. And why should he, when he can have that skinny young hussy instead. I bet she can come—"

The silence was ringing. Lena waited for a few seconds, then urged softly, "Go on."

"I bet she can come like a rocket," Bella said, horrified by what was coming out of her mouth. This was something she had never confided to anyone before. Not her closest friends. Not even Eli, though he must have noticed. "Because I can't... or I mean I can but... there was something... some complications with the twins and... it's never been the same since."

Lena was silent, and when Bella dared a glance at her, she looked annoyingly empathetic.

"But that's not even the point!" she flared up again. "So it fucked up my nether section and made me less fuckable, but that's not even the tip of the iceberg compared to what has happened to my body! I used to be beautiful! Or at least more beautiful! And now I'm... I'm... I'm like a sack of potatoes, but softer!"

"Bella—"

"No! Don't you interrupt me! I don't care what you say, you don't even want to touch me! I know you don't!"

"But—"

"That's why you got me the bikini, wasn't it! You didn't want to go to the nudist deck anymore! You didn't want to touch me! Well you don't need to! I can do it myself! I'm the one who has to deal with my hideous saggy boobs and all this lard! Not you! You can just mind your own perfect body!"

Bella stormed off, tears running down her face. She was ashamed and horrified about what she had just said, even when every word of it was true. She wished that Lena would ask the ship personnel for a separate cabin, or maybe to be shipped out of the cruise early; she didn't care. She hid herself in their cabin, and when Lena came in, hours later, she pretended to be asleep.

—#—#—#—#—#—

The following morning was awkward. Bella was grumpy and ashamed, and avoided looking at Lena. Lena was uncharacteristically quiet and subdued, and it was a relief when at breakfast Sue and David blabbered on and on about the jeep safari they had attended.

After breakfast, Lena guided Bella back to their cabin and sat her down on her bed.

"What is this, an intervention?" Bella asked sullenly.

"Yes. We need to talk about last night."

"I'm sorry, okay? Can't we just forget about it and move on?"

"Sorry for what?"

Lena was looking at her with dark, serious eyes. She looked gaunt and pale, and more her age when she wasn't wearing her trademark smile.

"I'm sorry I unloaded on you," said Bella. "You're not responsible for my shit. I'm sorry I'm such a lost cause."

"Oh, no. No. No!" Lena said, taking her hand. Bella looked down, noticing how her fingers looked plump and chubby next to Lena's long, slim ones. She could still see the tan line her wedding ring had left.

Softly, Lena said, "Bella, listen to me."

Bella made a noncommittal grunt.

"Eli is an idiot. I never thought he was the sharpest knife in the drawer, and this just confirms it. He has some sort of midlife crisis, and when that gold-digger of a girl crossed his path, he was too stupid to keep it in his pants. He will regret it later, mark my words."

Bella shrugged.

"You're not listening. Listen to me, Bella."

Lena paused for dramatic effect and squeezed Bella's hand. She stayed silent until Bella looked at her, and then said empathically, "There's nothing wrong with your body."

Bella snorted and pulled her hand away. "Look, you don't need to be nice about it. I know I'm spoiled goods."

"No you're not! Bella! God, you're so thick sometimes!"

"Yes, exactly!"

"Gaah! Okay. Hey. Let me lay it down for you. First, you've made people inside your amazing body. Four of them. That is such an amazing accomplishment. And after making them, you have nourished them with your body."

"So has half the species!"

"Yes but it is—your body is supposed to change with the life you live! It happens to all of us. You are exactly as you should be."

Bella let out a short laugh. It came out so bitter she swallowed the rest of it.

"I wasn't much to begin with," she said. "Short and fat. But I had good boobs when I was young. When we were young. Now I've ballooned to this... this... cow, and you're as beautiful as you ever were! If not more!"

She looked at Lena, defiantly.

Lena met her gaze. "No."

"No?"

"No. You were so perfect, so feminine, so beautiful. And you still are! You were everything I wasn't. I was always too tall and lanky and my boobs were tiny when we were growing up. I felt like a moose, or a giraffe, towering over everyone and being so clumsy and gawky. For a while I wondered if I was really a lesbian or if I just preferred women because then it didn't matter that I was always the taller one!"

They stared at each other. The moment stretched out, and eventually Lena sighed and gestured towards Bella. "I wish I could show you how I see you. I've made my peace with my body; I really wish you could do the same. Want to tell me about it?"

"About what?"

"What happened to you after the twins."

Bella could feel the blush creeping up her neck. "Oh, that. Nevermind. I never should've said anything."

"Tell me."

Bella sighed and looked away. "Okay! Well... Chrissy was... she wasn't in this perfect position. They're supposed to come out with the back of the head first. But she came forehead first. And the midwife encouraged me on, saying I can do it because I'd given birth twice before, and... well I guess she was right, because I could do it. I mean, out she came and she wasn't any worse for wear. But she... I think she tore something along the way."

She glanced at Lena, who was looking at her hands with a bland look on her face.

"She also caused me to have hemorrhoids. I mean, two pregnancies, two births, twin pregnancy, and I never had a single one before that birth. I guess the pressure was so bad they were just pushed out. After her, Henry just slipped out, just like that, no fuss, no nothing. But after that... I've never been the same. I don't know exactly what it was that was broken. Just that something was."

"Did you ask the doctor about it?"

"I did! Two different ones. They both said everything looked okay, and it takes time to recover, and that if I don't pee myself and can still come, it's probably all okay. So then I just... stopped asking."

Bella felt tears stinging in her eyes again. "Well, the twins are fifteen now and I haven't recovered. So... I guess I'm not ever going to recover."

"And that makes you feel... what?"

"What do you think? Like I'm broken! It's no wonder Eli went for that bitch. She's still young and perky. I bet she doesn't have trouble coming and I'm sure she can buy lingerie wherever she wants. I bet she looks good in any clothes. And without clothes."

Bella was getting agitated again. She could hear the strain in her voice, and tried to calm down. None of this was Lena's fault, and she was probably embarrassed to listen to her rant.

Lena said, "Remember May? Who I was with after you started with Eli?"

"I... think so."

The turn of conversation puzzled Bella. She vaguely remembered the girl: the type of pretty you didn't notice at first, but who looked more beautiful as you got to know her. She had been kind of shy, but her sense of humor had been delightful, once you got close enough to hear her joke.

"She never had an orgasm in her life. Never had before me, didn't when we were together, and I don't expect that's changed."

"What... how? But..."

"Some women never do. We did have sex, and she did enjoy it. And she loved making me come, but she never did herself. Some people are just like that. That's one end of the spectrum, and how should I put this... you were near the other end when we were young. You used to come quite easily."

Bella blushed and shrugged. Images of their sexual escapades flashed through her mind. God, where had all the time gone? That was so long ago already!

Lena said, "What I'm trying to say is that you are being way too hard on yourself. And having a fulfilling sex life is not about orgasming. You can absolutely have a good sex life even if you never came again in your life."

Bella looked away. "You don't need to do this. Let's just drop it. My sex life, or lack thereof, is not your concern. Not anymore. If it ever was."

Lena sighed. She rubbed her temples and covered her mouth with her hands. Bella wondered about the look on her face.

"Do you want me to help you? Try to make you come?"

Bella gasped. "What?"

"You need to get over yourself and get back in the saddle. See that you're not broken. You're perfect the way you are, and if I can make you see that, in any way, I will. I know it's about needing to be loved and accepted, and not so much about sex, but I think it would do you good to have an orgasm or two."

"You don't need to do that. You're a good friend, really, but I know you don't want me."

"And what would you know about that?"

They were interrupted by alarms on their phones. They had booked a trip ashore for the day and it was time to go.

It was a visit to a tropical lagoon for swimming and snorkeling, so they packed their swimming gear and headed for the pier. The mood between them was unresolved, but not quite as uneasy as over breakfast.

The water in the lagoon was perfect, and snorkeling was so fun that Bella felt her mood improve almost against her will. They dived and splashed, and eventually retreated to sit on their towels.

"Who here do you think is the most beautiful woman of all of them?" Lena asked with a low voice and glanced towards the other patrons, some in the water, some sunbathing on the shore.

"Why do you ask?"

"Just humor me."

Bella looked at them, eventually settling on a woman who was maybe in her thirties. She had long dark hair and a slim body, perfectly accentuated by her tiny turquoise bikini. "Her."

"Okay," Lena said. "Guess who's mine?"

Bella refused to guess, and Lena pointed out a lively woman approximately in her forties. She was short and plump but spirited, and her laugh echoed over the shore. She had a white one piece on her dark brown skin, and the contrast was very beautiful. Bella couldn't help but notice how the swimsuit formed sideboobs where it was a bit too small for her bosom.