Crushed Pt. 04

"I like my job," he insisted.

"Do you love it?"

He hesitated and Megan nodded sadly.

"You deserve more Alex. I feel like you could do so much more. And I bet Logan would agree."

"I... I'm going to go upstairs," he said awkwardly, leaving Megan alone and heading up to Logan's room.

He shut the door behind him and stood, slightly shell shocked in the middle of the room. His head was filled with Megan's words. He shook his head. She was being ridiculous. He loved Logan, he was happy.

The shred of uncertainty niggled at him. He knew he should ignore it, but he listened. And once he did the tidal wave of emotions began to seem into his entire body.

'Do you really want to spend your life just as Logan's boyfriend? Whilst he goes on to achieve success? Don't you want your own story?'

Megan believed Logan was destined for great things. She was right. Bright and hardworking, with a wealthy family and successful father. Achieving high grades, studying business. What did he have? In five years time, when Logan was a CEO of some large corporate firm, would he still be interested in dating the book shop boy?

Book shop boy. Did he want that for himself? He loved books. But did he just want to sit behind a counter selling them forever? It had been enough before, why was it not now?

He growled in frustration. It didn't matter. A job is just a job. And when they were together he could be with Logan and they could be happy.

'It's his fault.'

An unexpected anger that had been long buried rose up inside. He had been so caught up in the attention of Logan that his anger had melted away like it was nothing. But it wasn't nothing. And now he felt as if Megan had picked the scab off a deep festering wound.

Logan. He had his faults and his reasons for why he did the things he did. He had accepted that. But he had never really considered how his actions were still affecting him even now, maybe they always would.

The anger that begun to fill him was not pure, it was a mixture of pain and sadness and bitter heartbreak. He felt his eyes sting. Why had Logan come back into his life? Given him a taste of the life he had lost and made him feel bitterly resentful that it was not his. He hadn't meant it to be this way. But he should have been off doing his own Uni experience right now. And if it wasn't for Logan, what would his life have been?

He felt lost in himself. His head and chest ached. He didn't know what he wanted. He lay on the bed, and for the first time since Logan had come back into his life, he let the wave of sickly dark emotions, that had once been a constant hollow presence, consume him once more.

*

He was sat on the end of the bed staring blankly at Logan's drawings pinned to the wall when he returned.

"Hey," he said in a cheerful voice, kicking open the door, his hands full of folders, a heavy bag slung over one shoulder. "You didn't answer the phone. You okay? I wondered where you were."

Alex felt like his voice was echoing through a tunnel, his body was slow to move, his brain foggy and slow. He didn't know what he wanted. He didn't know who he was.

"Alex?" Logan knelt in front of him, his face blocking his view of the detailed drawings. His eyes were full of concern. His hands moved to his cheeks, where the damp tear tracks had already begun to drip from his chin.

"What's wrong?" Logan whispered.

Alex didn't know what to say. But tears fell more insistently. He closed his eyes. They burned and he fleetingly wondered when he had last blinked.

"I need to leave," he whispered. The words aching through his bones as he spoke.

"Why? Has something happened at home? Work?"

"No. I need to leave... you."

He met Logan's eyes for the first time, and watched as his face twisted into a pained expression, hurt, shock, betrayal. His hands fell from Alex's face and a part of him wanted to grab them and hold them back to his cheeks.

"What?" He breathed, his eyes welling with tears now too.

"I need a fresh start. Away from everyone, everything."

"Alex, I don't understand. Where has this come from?"

"I should have had this life Logan. Friends, university, success. You took that from me."

Logan's eyes filled with anguish and he shook his head.

"No."

"Yes. You did. And I forgive you. I said I did and I do. But seeing it all? It hurts. I need to work out what my path is, what I want from my life. And I need to do it alone."

Logan was crying in earnest now, "I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry for what I did. But please... don't leave me on my own. I can't- I-" he broke down into Alex's lap, and Alex leaned down to nestle his face against his hair. He inhaled his smell, closing his eyes and trying to capture it.

"Thank you," he whispered into his ear as he continued to shake against him. "For everything. If you hadn't come back into my life I never would have realised I wanted more. I would have stayed in that shitty town probably for the rest of my life. And it probably would have been a short life too. You, and this city, you showed me what there is to life for."

"Then don't leave. I will help you. We can do this together."

For the first time, Alex's mind finally cleared. He had made his decision. It was achingly painful, and terrifying. But he knew what he wanted.

"I love you Logan, I will always love you. If you love me, you'll let me go."

Logan looked up at him, agony across his face. There was a moment frozen in time where they seemed to share a whole conversation only with their eyes.

Logan eventually broke the connection, closing the gap and kissing him. They kissed passionately and it felt like the longest and yet simultaneously the shortest kiss in the world. Their arms closed around one another in a tight embrace.

Finally, Alex pulled out from Logan's arms and stood, walking to the door where his bag was already packed to leave.

"I'm sorry," he said, turning to look at Logan still knelt on the floor his shoulders sagged, he seemed to open his mouth as if to beg him to stay, but unable to find the words, he closed it. He gazed at Alex, and he swallowed, giving him one last nod of farewell before walking out of the room, and down the stairs and out of the house, feeling Logan's eyes on his back from the window above him.

He continued walking, determined not to let his legs collapse until after he had rounded the corner. When he was finally out of sight, he let out the choked sob that he had been holding in his chest. Simultaneously, he felt the gut wrenching pain of his heart shattering into irreparable pieces.

** to be continued..? **

Hi, Daisy here.

Let me know if you would like to know what happens next or if you have ideas of what you think will happen!

There is one last chapter in the plan if you would like to hear the end of Logan and Alex's tale.

Comment below! Daisy x

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