All Comments on 'Crypto Chronicles: Mutants & Murder'

I've not had time to read the entire story, but right off the bat, I would make the following recommendation:

Consider changing your style of dialog. Using "I say," "You say," or 1st person for everyone creates awkward, nose-on dialog that kills whatever mood you're trying to create. Try looking at some of the top stories (Sci-Fi and others) to see the different techniques that the writers use to indicate who's speaking and the emotions they are experiencing. Some examples that come to mind include:

Three Square Meals a Day by Tefler, who has thousands of followers.

https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=2967464&page=submissions

Threads: The Island by JammyJimmy

https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=942838&page=submissions

A God Called Bruce by TaleMaster

https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=1196364&page=submissions

God of Mischief and Lies by FireFaery - With almost 200k views, it's possibly the best written story on the site, and only three pages long. Tagline - Loki finds something he can't control.

https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=1659737&page=submissions

If you've not done so, find a copy of "Save the Cat" online. It only takes a few hours to read and it is probably the best intro to story type and structure bar none. There are many that are longer, but they won't learn anything additional from them.

Best of luck...