Curve Balls

JOE'S BLOG: APRIL 24 2008: 23.50

Oh man, being single sucks. It's now been 9 months 12 days and 14 hours since Bobbie moved out and the house still feel so damned empty. Actually, I have been thinking that maybe it's time for a move. I have always felt the house is too big for me. I should have sold it right after Mum and Dad died but I wasn't in a place then where I could bear to let it go. It held so many memories, it still does, but now, instead of reminding me of the innocent days of childhood, the hugs and kisses of the two people who loved me most in all the world, it just reminds me of Bobbie and the caresses of the one person who betrayed me more than anyone else in the world.

Sometimes it feels like I can still feel him, still hear his voice, smell his cologne, feel his hands in the night. God he was a good lover... too good, clearly he felt the need to share it around. I just wasn't enough for him. And if you are reading this you cheating, double crossing, son of a bitch... you weren't THAT good.

And yes, I am feeling bitter and I am feeling down and I am feeling goddamn angry... about Bobbie, about life, about everything. Maybe it is the approach of Bealtinne but the sap is rising guys and there is only so much fun you can have with a lump of rubber and five fingers.... well, by yourself anyway. Bobbie and I.... well enough of that.

Anyway, I was thinking maybe it was time to put the house on the market and move on, make a fresh start somewhere. It's not as if I have anything to stay round here from. No, family, no friends to speak of, and work still sucks.

Ah well. It's almost midnight and I have work tomorrow. Rant over. Perhaps tomorrow I will meet the man of my dreams. Hah! Yeah right!

Reply by Minuteman April 25 2009: 09.30

Hang in there dude. It's still early days. Don't be too hard on yourself.... especially with that lump of rubber *wink*.

Maybe making a move wouldn't be such a bad idea. You've been moaning about that big old house for a while. Not that we aren't used to you moaning. Haha. Bobbie was a loser, you're better off without him.

Chin up mate. Nikki sends his love and says if you get desperate he'll loan out for the weekend. I told him it's okay... if I can come along and watch, maybe video... for my own personal use you understand... you WILL NOT find your ass plastered all over YouTube... well not until I can work out how to upload the video anyway.

Reply by StudMuffin: April 25 2008: 10.45

Hey... shouldn't I be consulted before you rent me out for the weekend? Not that I'd be complaining Joe, your latest pic in the gallery is cute as kittens. Where did you get that great tan, not in the UK for sure.

Reply by Mintos: April 25 2008: 16.40

UhOh Joe. You better keep away from those two... they are a bad influence. *wink*

JOE'S BLOG: APRIL 29 2008: 22.48

Hehe. Thanks guys... for the offer and the warning. You made me smile if nothing else. Well, life is looking up... kind of. A new guy started at work yesterday. He's a computer whizz and is already making my life easier...and more difficult. WOW he is some looker. I almost fell off my chair when Roach brought him over and introduced him. His name's Tarren McAlistair and his first words were.

"Hi, call me Taz, everyone does."

Now, you wouldn't think that was too earth shattering, would you? But oh Gods guys... that voice... those eyes...!! I was literally speechless. Given my recent sex starved condition my libido went through the roof and I literally had to clench to keep my body from betraying just how pleased I was to see him.

He's probably a couple of years younger than me, but at least a head taller. He has this long red hair... not ginger but a rich mahogany that seems to catch fire whenever the sun hits it. It flops over his face when he bends forward to look at the screen and he's got the cutest habit of flicking it back behind his shoulder.

His eyes are wicked, a kind of amber colour that change with his mood. Sometimes they are almost gold and sometimes almost brown but they twinkle all the time and, up close they are a mix of all those colours. I have never seen that before, so many colours in one eye... well two. And if you are wondering how I got to see them up close, don't get too excited; it was only when he was leaning over my shoulder explaining something about the new programme we are working on. He has this knack of making complex things sound easy.

Did I mention that he has a body to die for? He wears these tight black tshirts that should be outlawed. Roach has, apparently, not told him about the 'no tshirt' rule and I don't blame him. I kid you not my friends, this guy could be on the cover of Vogue. But he's not vain. He seems really sweet and uncomplicated; always ready to help, eager to please. WOW. I know how he could please me, but he doesn't seem interested and, believe me, after the first embarrassingly crass mumblings I have been heaping on the charm in buckets. Sometimes the poor kid looks really confused by it.

I have no idea if he's straight or not, knowing my luck lately it's inevitable. Haven't picked up on any signs yet, and it's not really the kind of thing you can come straight out and ask... well I know it's what YOU would come straight out and ask Alex, but not me.

Anyway, still no action but I think I might put my moving plans on ice for a while. The view is getting better and better here *Wink*.

Reply by Minuteman: April 30 2008: 09.45

Where do you work again? Nikki and I were thinking we might pay you a visit.

Reply by AngelEyes: April 30 2008: 19.28

Post that address on here Joe, maybe we can organise The Gathering there this year. On the subject anyone know the details for that yet?

Reply by BobiDazzler: April 30 2008: 19.50

It's a shame we've already booked the venue or we would be happy to oblige guys. Never been one to pass up the chance of a bit of eye candy. Looks like you got bit by the lurve bug Joe baby. The venue for The Gathering is up on the forum along with a link for booking places. It's on the 28th June. Don't worry, I am not expecting a sell out but you've only got eight weeks guys.

Reply by StudMuffin: April 30 2008: 20.50

Thanks Bob... Alex and I will be there as usual. Can't wait to see you all again, it's been a while... erm... last year at The Gathering actually... and there have been a lot of changes. Mind you, I still think we would be better off calling round at Joe's office. *wink*

JOE'S BLOG: APRIL 30 2008: 22.47

Aaargh, this guy is driving me nuts. Keep catching him looking at me. He gives me these cute little glances from under his hair, you know the kind. What do they mean?!!!! Is he interested? Just curious? Scared?

The boy's a frigging genius. Not only does he know computers inside out but he has an absolute gift for, not only explaining things in a simple, straightforward way, but actually making it sound interesting. I'm in love guys. At least I am in crush mode big time.

Bealtinne tomorrow and I have a date... well in my own mind anyway. Have to stay on after work to sort out some glitches in the new programme. Roach, in his infinite wisdom, has decided that we have to fix them outside work hours. Taz is staying on with me to give me a hand so there is likely to be some steam. I am hot under the collar just thinking about it. Me... my crush... a big old empty office. *sigh*

Count me in for The Gathering Bob. This place has been the only thing keeping me sane this last year. I can't believe I have never actually met any of you and it is definitely the highlight of my social calendar for this year. That is unless the incredible Taz succumbs to my obvious charms and sweeps my off my feet, in which case you're all dumped and I won't be seeing the outside of my bedroom until December.

Reply by Minuteman: May 1 2008: 08.59

Happy Bealtinne fellow pagan, my blessing is... may you get to celebrate it in the way it was intended... I know I will. *wink*

I hope you manage to get some work done tonight. Before the seduction of course. *wink*

Good luck with both. Nikki, if you get to read this before I get home from work, can you pick up some jam... not, not for tonight, I have ALL the ingredients I need for that. *wink* *wink*

Reply by AngelEyes: May 1 2008: 23.50

Where is everyone tonight? Can I take the silence to mean everyone is out there getting laid. As, apparently the only other single guy on the site I would have thought I would, at least, have had you to talk to. Not STILL working late are you?

JOE'S BLOG: MAY 5 2008: 22.53

OMG!!! OMFG!!! You guys will NEVER believe what's been going on in my life these last few days. I can barely believe it myself.

As you know I had to work late on Thursday and it was just me and Taz. We got stuck in... to the work that is you dirty minded buggers... and he was amazing. He was wearing the tightest black jeans and tshirt and the way his body moves is.... aaarggh which way to the cold shower?

Anyway, he kept giving me these looks, you know.., the ones I was telling you about. We were sitting really close and I could smell his musky scent. Yeah, I know I'm getting poetic but Tarren McAlistair is a poem in living form. There was this one time... I looked up and he was looking at me with the strangest expression in his eyes. I had no idea what it meant but it made me feel hot in places I really shouldn't be getting hot in front of company.

I came over all peculiar and suggested we take a break. Taz followed me to the kitchen to get a coffee and we were chatting about nothing. I turned around from the sink and he was standing in the doorway, leaning on the frame and, I kid you not my friends, he was the hottest thing I have ever seen in the flesh, so to speak. He had his hand on the frame, over his head so that every line of his body was accentuated and he kind of had his head hanging forward to he was looking at me through a curtain of hair.

I almost passed out. There was this feeling in the air between us, talk about chemistry!! I don't know what came over me. In my defence I can only say it was Bealtinne and I was not in full possession of my senses. Before I knew what I was doing I was across that kitchen and kissing him. Yes, I know... I know it was a stupid thing to do but COME ON guys, I'm only human and he is.... fucking awesome.

And do you want to know the amazing thing, the wild thing, the insane thing? He only kissed me back.... oh YEAH baby.

We stood there, right in the doorway, sucking our faces off and eating tongue pie for god knows how long...long enough for the coffee to go cold. And then... AND THEN... we abandoned the programme and he came home with me.

What a night. What a fucking night!!!!! If I thought he looked good with his clothes on, boy was I not prepared for what he looks like with them off. He is... aaarggh there are no words to describe. He was so sweet, not like Bobbi at all, not controlling and experiences and concerned with technique and appearances. He was soft and sweet and hesitant and unsure. It was almost as if I was his first, maybe I was. We didn't go all the way but we went far enough. Gods he sent me through the roof.

At first, when we got home, it felt a bit strange. I mean Bobbi is the only man I have ever taken back there... it was our room our bed... hell it was HIS. He owned it, if you know what I mean, just like he owns everything, including, at one point, me. Needless to say he doesn't own any of it any more. You know I was saying that everything in the house reminds me of Bobbi, well, not any more.

Oh hell... I do this all the time don't I? I fall in love far too easily but... well this time... this time... *sigh* We didn't talk much, we were too busy and afterwards too exhausted. I lay and watched him sleep for hours. He is just so beautiful.

On Friday morning everything was awkward and we kind of just danced around each other. Taz was acting weird and I didn't want to press him, although every time he ducked his head and gave me that 'what the fuck have I done' look he drove a nail into my heart.

He was weird all day in work and pretty much avoided me. I didn't get a chance to speak to him alone and I went home Friday night feeling like crap... to be honest feeling like a fool.

When the phone rang I was in no rush to answer it and, when I did and saw an unfamiliar number I didn't bother to ring back. When it rang a second time I hesitated, because I didn't want to speak to anyone, I was too submerged in self pity and misery. I couldn't believe it when I picked up the phone and heard Taz's voice on the other side. He sounded... odd but he asked me to meet him for a drink. God I was out of the house so fast I forgot to turn the oven off... fortunately it tripped the circuit when it overheated.

I had never seen Taz out of work before and he was... Breathtaking is a very overrated word but I can honestly tell you that when I walked into that bar and saw him sitting there it was like someone hit me in the belly and drove all the air out of my lungs. I literally couldn't breathe. He had obviously taken a lot of trouble and, god, was it worth it.

I got a drink and sat down and ... just looked at him. I couldn't take my eyes of him, and he just sat, with his head down, looking embarrassed and so young and uncertain. He kind of made me feel uncertain too... was I doing the right thing? Was he just too young and naive for me?

And then he looked up and, fuck me, he actually had tears in his eyes. He started to talk and all the words came tumbling out, falling over each other. I had to get a couple of stiff whiskey's down him before he even started making sense.

It seems like he's had a couple of bad experiences. His last 'relationship', if you could call it that, to me it sounded like pure abuse, did not end well and he hasn't been near a man for over a year. He had his self confidence knocked so badly he just couldn't face the rejection any more.

Can you believe it... he actually said that he had been knocked off his feet by me and he tried to seduce me? Seduce ME! And then, when he succeeded he had felt... scared. He was actually scared that he had made a fool of himself. I mean the cutest thing on two legs and he was afraid I would mock him.

He wouldn't listen of course. I told him that he is the most incredible person I have ever met, that he looks good enough to eat and that, as a lover I would give him a good 50 out of 10 in any ranking scale. But he wouldn't listen. He just kept looking at me with those wide eyes, tearful and afraid. Fuck me but by the end of it he was actually shaking. Mind you, that could have been the whiskey, he had knocked back quite a few more by then.

In the end I took him home...mine that it. Yeah, I know I was taking advantage of him but at that point I didn't care. He was too pissed to do anything so I put him to bed and sat there all night just staring at him, stroking his hair and talking to him. Crazy I know, but that's what this kid does to me. Turns out he's not as young as he looks, only a year younger than me, so I didn't feel so bad about that.

We had an amazing weekend. Saturday we spent the whole day in bed... and no, we didn't spend it all screwing. We talked. All day we talked and cuddled and he cried and I comforted him and.. yeah, ok we had amazing sex. The same thing happened Sunday and by the time I took him home Sunday night I was completely, hopelessly, scarily in love.

I couldn't stop smiling all day today, and neither could he. It was great. We were like kids. I have never been so happy in work.

So there you have it. This sad loser has hit the motherlode. I am in love with the most amazing person in the history of the word ever and he s in love with me... at least that's what he says and I am not about to call him a liar.

Life's good guys. Woo Hoo.

Reply by Minuteman: May 6 2008: 10.00

You dog. What a tale! Talk about a dark horse. You had better get a piccie posted pdq. Gagging to get a look at this amazing creature.

Reply by AngelEyes: May 6 2008: 22.19

Awww.. . now I am officially the only sad loser without a bf. No fair. Seriously though, happy for you Joe. You deserve some good luck. I second what Alex said about the piccie. We NEED to see what it is that has got you so het up. Besides I could do with some eye candy.

Reply by Mintos: May 5 2009: 23.10

Right you are Sean baby... you are such a sad loser. I keep telling you... come up and visit me. I might not make you a winner but I will certainly put a smile on your face.

Reply by AngelEyes: May 6 2008: 23.30

Dream on Luke. I would rather be sad and lonely.

Reply by BobiDazzler: May 6 2008: 23.45

Now, now boys. Play nice. Seriously Joe, glad for you and yes, I want to see the piccie too.

JOES'S BLOG: MAY 14TH 2008: 20.50

Wow! Things are just getting better and better. Did I mention that I'm in love? Did I mention that Taz is fucking awesomely amazing. Sorry I haven't been around much but I've been kind of tied up. *wink*

Trying to get Taz to sign up so I can introduce him to you guys. He says he has enough of computers during the day and doesn't want to spend half his evenings bent over a terminal as well. Personally I get hot at the thought of him bent over a terminal, but that's me.

Reply by StudMuffin: May 14 2008: 21.30

You dirty dog.... although come to think of it, I might just try that one out on Alex when he gets in. Seriously though, glad it's going well. You deserve it.

Reply by Mintos: May 14 2008: 21.40

So when you're not around for a couple of days we'll know what's going on. Either you're having a great time... or you've shorted out the laptop. Hehe.

Reply by AngelEyes: May 14 2008: 21.45

Typical!!

Reply Mintos: May 14 2008: 21.50

What's that supposed to mean?

Reply by AngelEyes: May 14 2008: 22.00

Figure it out.

Reply by Minuteman: May 14 2008: 22.15

Boys boys.., behave yourselves. We know you love each other really. One of these days you are going to have to take him up on his offer Sean.... he's clearly got the hots for you.

Reply by Mintos: May 14 2008: 22.20

Yeah right

JOE'S BLOG: May 21 2008: 22.45

Why does life keep throwing me these curve balls? Just when everything is going so well, better than it has... well forever... it's only ever a moment away from all turning to shit again.

Things have been so great between Taz and me. I mean really great. He is so sweet and gentle, so thoughtful and kind and loving and so, so goddamned beautiful.

I really thought that this was it, my forever man. I couldn't see anything that could get between us, that could spoil what we have. I know it's only been a couple of weeks but I prepared to swear that we would be together forever.

Only... suddenly, suddenly there is something coming between us. I don't know what it is but it scares me. There are things that keep cropping up. Times when he isn't around, when he doesn't answer his phone or when he can't see my but won't say why. There are little things, all the time. I don't know. It's like there are parts of his life that are closed to me, that he keeps secret and sometimes they intrude and he goes weird and closes down and won't talk to me.

I know that he is entitled to his privacy, to have a life separate from me but... it feels.... I don't know. I am afraid. I am so afraid. It's as if I can't quite accept that someone as wonderful as Taz is in my life and I am so afraid of losing him that I am just looking for signs, for reasons. I am so tired of it but I just can't stop myself. And yes, I have tried to talk to him about it but he just won't go there, he closes down straight away.

I know that I am being foolish over this, I know it.... but that's what Taz does to me.

Reply by StudMuffin: May 21 2008: 23.00