Cyrano de BOTgerac

As we chatted about animal husbandry, Roxanne woke up and yawned. "Marcy OK?"

"Yep, she's in the kitchen with Mary."

We moved into the kitchen and sat down next to Marcy. Roxanne checked out her scalp wound, which was now surrounded by a fairly colorful bruise. She probed and prodded her aunt a bit more and pronounced her good enough.

I helped Roxanne set the table and we plowed our way through a substantial farm breakfast. I offered to help wash dishes but Mary shooed me away. "Roxanne, you two could probably use a nap after staying up all night with Marcy. Show this man where his room is, and get rested up. We're having dinner at 5, and we'll make sure you guys are up."

Roxanne led me to my room and stepped inside with me. "I'll be in the room next door, but first..." she pulled me into her arms and gave me a dreamy kiss.

"Boyfriend, huh?"

"What?"

"You introduced me to everyone as your boyfriend. Was that a field promotion?" I quirked my lips.

"It just felt like the right thing to tell them. Any objections?"

"Nope, and no takebacks! I like being a boyfriend. Guess that makes you my girlfriend."

"Bet your ass it does."

She gave me another scorching kiss and then she went off to her own room.

* * *

I woke up a few hours later, and felt great. I showered and changed clothes, and then wandered down the hall. Marcy spotted me and said, "Get in here, Chris! Start peeling potatoes!"

For the next two hours, I was dragooned from one minor kitchen job to the next, and obeyed with a smile on my face.

John and his boys came in from their afternoon chores and dragged me off to the living room to sip some more Templeton Rye and watch a few NFL games. I was razzed as first the Cowboys and then the Seahawks got their asses kicked. They couldn't believe that a Texas boy living in Seattle wasn't a fan of either team.

Dinner was an amazing feast. I tried to keep up with Roxanne's brothers, but the competition was stiff. They teased me about my appetite with affectionate farm phrases.

Bill said, "Chris is going through that turkey like a man-eatin' bar hog!"

Joe said, "And he's tuckin' into those taters like a bitin' sow!"

I just smiled and turned on my best West Texas drawl. "What kin ah say, boys. Y'all know your mom's cookin' is just too darned larrupin'! And ah think ah could go for a sloss of that apple pah lahk a duck on a June bug!"

We traded a few more regional colloquialisms over dessert. Then the women packed up the leftovers while the men cleared the table and did the dishes. We wrapped up the evening with another round of Templeton Rye in the living room, and then headed off to bed.

* * *

I was just drifting off to sleep when I heard the door to my room open and close. Roxanne slid into bed beside me and said, "Move over, cover hog!" I made room for her. She spooned up against me and gave me a kiss. "OK to just cuddle and sleep tonight?"

"I have just two words for you. The first one is 'Perfect!'"

"What's the second one?'

"Pavlov."

She giggled, and then let out a contented sigh. It was a fine way to drift off to sleep.

* * *

Roxanne was gone by the time I woke up. I rolled over and put my face in her pillow and took a deep breath. A few more huffs of her scent and I was ready to face the new day.

After breakfast, Roxanne asked, "Have you ever cross-country skied?"

"Sure, a few times up in the Cascades. Can we ski here?"

"I'll take you on a short tour of the farm. There's an easy loop we can do through the fields and then back along the river."

I found a set of her brothers' boots that fit me, and we went out in the yard. It had stopped snowing, and the air was still. Roxanne led me off into a field, and we made our way through two feet of fresh powder. We took turns breaking trail, swapping out every five minutes or so. After about a mile, we had warmed up quite a bit, and I unzipped my jacket. Eventually the field sloped down to the edge of the river. We stopped for a few minutes and watched the water flow by.

I asked, "What river is this?"

"The Middle Racoon River."

"Wow, you grew up in a piece of heaven. I didn't realize that Iowa was so beautiful."

"Little Robinsons have learned to swim on this stretch of river for over a hundred years. I'm glad I get to share it with you."

Roxanne led us back along the river, returning us to the farmhouse. We took off our skis and got a mug of hot cocoa -- this time with no whiskey.

After a lunch of leftovers, I helped Jon and the boys with a few of the endless series of chores that keep a farm going. When we were done, they invited me to watch the annual football game between the Hawkeyes and the Cornhuskers on TV that evening. The women wouldn't hear of it. Mary said, "You guys have fun with your football. Chris is taking us to the VFW hall tonight!"

* * *

Cars had compacted the snow down on the road into town, and we had no trouble getting to the VFW hall in my pickup. We found a table, and hung our coats over the chair backs. Marcy and Mary saw some friends, and went over to say hi. Roxanne and I headed to the bar and put in our drink orders.

As we stood there, a tall, burly guy reeking of alcohol pushed in between us and put his arms over our shoulders. At least, his right hand was on my shoulder. His left hand had slid past Roxanne's shoulder and was resting on her breast. He turned to her and slurred, "Hey baby, dance with me."

"Hell no! Let go of my boob, asshole!"

I grabbed the top of his right hand with my left hand, and then grasped his wrist with my right hand. I backed out from under his arm and immediately had him in a nasty wrist lock called sankyo. Sankyo is one of the more painful holds in aikido, and is often used by police officers as a 'come-along' hold when making arrests. By applying the right pressure, you can make someone stand up, sit down, or walk anywhere you like. When you're in sankyo, about the only thing you can do to relieve the pressure on your wrist and elbow is to go along. This guy was about 8 inches taller than me, and had wide muscular shoulders. However, when I lifted up on this wrist, he whimpered and got up on his tiptoes and said, "Ow, ow, ow, ow!!"

I led him away from the bar and forced him to sit down at a nearby chair. Roxanne came over and looked at his face, and said, "Tommy Lee?"

He looked at Roxanne, squinted, and said, "Roxanne?? Oh shit!"

Just then Marcy walked up and said, "Thomas Leland Smithers! What do you think you're doing!?"

His face blanched. "Mom? Oh shit... Ow! My arm!"

She turned to me. "I've got this, Chris. Please let him go."

I released his arm, and stepped back toward Roxanne.

Marcy stood and glared at Tommy Lee. "Why aren't you with Francine and her family in Omaha?"

He started crying. "She dumped me. Came home, but lonely there. Came here for a drink." He looked up at Roxanne and his face crumpled. "Sorry, Rox. Din' recognize you."

Roxanne came over and put her arms over his shoulder. "It's OK, TL. I know you didn't." She paused for a moment, and then asked, "How much did you drink?"

"Jus' a beer or two."

"Looks like you had a lot more than one drink. Were you drinking alone?"

He vaguely waved over to a table back against the wall, "Naah, with coupla frens."

Roxanne looked over at the other table, and her expression hardened. "You mean with Dick Lester and that other moron?"

"Yeah. Bot me a drink."

Her face became even stonier. "Mom, Marcy? We're going to take care of TL now. Do you mind driving home in his truck?"

Mary took his keys and said, "That's fine, dear."

"OK, Chris, give me a hand." Tommy Lee swayed when we stood him up, so we each put one of his arms over our shoulders, and guided him out into the parking lot and into the back seat of my truck.

"Where are we taking him?"

"Home, eventually, but we're going to make a stop along the way."

* * *

That stop turned out to be the emergency department at the hospital up in Carroll. Tommy Lee was unable to stand up by then, and it took me and one of the orderlies to guide his bulk safely from the truck cab into a wheelchair. We rolled him into the admitting area and got him signed in and into an exam room. They weren't very busy that night, and a doctor popped into the exam room a few minutes later. She said, "Hello, I'm Dr. Sanderson... Roxanne?"

"Allison! Oh my gosh, I'm so glad to see you!" They hugged each other, and then she tilted her head at me. "Allison, this is my boyfriend, Chris Newton."

She shook my hand. "Very happy to meet you, Chris. Roxanne and I were in med school together." She looked at Tommy Lee and then back to Roxanne. "How can I help you guys tonight?"

"I'm worried about Tommy Lee here. He's been drinking, but is a lot more wasted than he should be from just a few beers. I'm worried that someone may have spiked his drink with Everclear or something worse."

Allison did a physical exam and then ordered a tox screen and other labs. Tommy Lee's vital signs were OK but he barely responded to her voice. A nurse started an IV line and ran in some normal saline.

Roxanne and I sat and waited on the test results. "What was that you did to Tommy Lee back at the VFW hall? That was amazing! He's a really big guy, but you didn't seem to have any trouble handling him."

I grimaced. "There's nothing magical about it. It's just a wrist lock they teach us in aikido 101 called sankyo. It's a common come-along technique used by police."

"I'm glad that you defused the situation so quickly. And thank you for not hurting my favorite cousin. TL is big, but he's a real sweetheart. That sort of behavior is totally out of character for him. Also, he's always been able to hold his liquor pretty well. We went to our share of beer busts in high school, and it took an awful lot to knock him out back then."

We chatted for a while longer until Allison came back with the labs. "Tommy Lee's blood alcohol level is over 3 times the legal limit. He's still breathing pretty well on his own, but I'm going to admit him to our ICU overnight for observation. His urine was positive for benzodiazepines and GHB, so he was definitely spiked by someone. I'm going to have to report this to the Carroll County Sherriff."

There wasn't much more we could do, so we said goodbye to Allison, and drove back to Coon Rapids. I said, "Good call on taking Tommy Lee to the ED. I didn't realize how out of it he was."

"We grew up together, and I've never seen him this blitzed before. Not even at his dad's funeral. When I saw who he'd been drinking with, it really triggered my spidey-sense."

"Those two guys in the bar?"

"Yep. Dick Lester and one of his toadies, Buster Condon. They've been pulling shit like that for years. Even tried it on me once."

"What!?"

"I was a young and stupid college freshman. I went to a frat party one night with my roommate. I was smart enough to only drink one beer, but stupid enough to leave it unattended. I'm pretty sure that he slipped something in my cup. The next thing I remember was waking up in my room, feeling like crap. My roomie told me that she saw Lester and Condon leading me off to a room upstairs. She pulled me away from them and led me back to the dorm and put me to bed. I was too dumb and too embarrassed to go to the ED, and just let it slide. But I stopped going to parties, and have always kept my guard up around men since then."

"That's horrible."

"I heard rumors at college that I wasn't the only person he tried that on. So when TL said he'd been drinking with those two, I immediately wondered if he'd been dosed."

"Why would Lester do that?"

"I don't know. Maybe TL can shed some light on it when the alcohol and drugs are out of his system."

"We'll see when we come back tomorrow."

* * *

The next morning, I went out with John and his boys to pull Marcy's car out of the ditch. We loaded a few shovels and a recovery strap into the pickup, and headed up the road. Joe trailed behind us on the tractor. The road was now fairly clear, but there were still deep drifts of snow on both sides of the road.

We pulled off the road by Marcy's car and did a little digging. By the time Joe arrived with the tractor, we had the towing eye attached on the Subaru's back bumper and the recovery strap attached to it. We hooked the strap to the tractor, and put the car in neutral. In just a few minutes, we had the Forester back on the side of the road. It started right up, and we drove it back to the farm.

Roxanne had called the hospital and learned that Tommy Lee was alert and could have visitors. We drove up there after lunch. He was still in the ICU, but they allowed both of us to go in and see him.

"Hey, TL! You're looking a lot better than last night."

"Unnnhh... yeah, but with the mother of all hangovers."

"This is my boyfriend, Chris. Do you remember much about last night?"

"Hi, Chris." He shook my hand. "Sorry for the trouble last night. I was feeling pretty bad about Francine. I came over to the VFW hall to distract myself. I was having a beer, when Dick and Buster came over to chat with me."

"How much did you drink?"

"I don't know. They brought a pitcher along and kept refilling my glass as I told them my troubles. When you and Chris came in the bar, I didn't recognize you. Dick saw you, and told me that I needed to get laid. He said that I should go hit on that hot blonde piece at the bar."

"Referring to me?"

"Yeah, he said that you would probably put out after a dance or two."

"That asshole!"

"I'm sorry, Rox. I was pretty out of it, but I was just going to ask you to dance. However, when I stood up, my legs weren't working too well. I stumbled into you two, and didn't mean to fondle you. Then suddenly your boyfriend here did some kung fu thing that made me want to cry, it hurt so much."

I said, "I'm sorry -- I just reacted to protect Roxanne. I hope I didn't hurt you."

"No, man. I'm so sorry I scared you guys. You did the right thing, and my arm feels fine now. Was that judo or something?"

"No, aikido."

Roxanne said, "Sounds like Dick and Buster slipped something into your drink. Any reason why they would want to do that to you?"

"Nope. I can't think of anything. But he's always had a thing for you, though."

"What?"

"I think he had a crush on you in high school."

"Crush, my ass. That bastard spiked my drink at a frat party in college. I was almost date-raped by him and his buddy."

"Sounds like I've got several good reasons to go and thump his ass once I get out of here."

"I'm sure that would be satisfying, but I don't want you to go to jail because of that asshole. The hospital reported your case to the sheriff's office. Let's see what they can do about it."

* * *

They released Tommy Lee from the hospital the next day, and we brought him back to the farm. A sheriff's detective dropped by later that afternoon and took statements from all of us. He promised to interview Dick and Buster, but wasn't sure that there would be sufficient evidence for the local DA to bring a case against them.

In the meantime, the whole Robinson clan focused on feeding and watering Tommy Lee and getting him back on his feet. This meant frequent therapeutic doses of medicinal grade chicken soup and other savory things. This did not include Templeton rye, which was reserved for his attendants.

TL was still gloomy after the breakup with his girlfriend. We did our best to distract him by talking about other things. With the drugs out of his system, the wasted Wookie I met at the VFW Hall had been replaced by a sober Sasquatch with a keen analytical mind. After growing up as a farm kid, he had earned his bachelor's and master's degrees in mechanical engineering, and now consulted for a number of big name agricultural machinery makers. He was fascinated with our work in medical AI, and his Linux chops turned out to be on par with mine and Roxanne's. This was less surprising once he told me just how many tractors, combines and other farm machines had embedded processors. After a while, I noticed that most of the other family members had run for cover when our chat headed out into the tall grass of technology.

* * *

TL spent most of that day sleeping off the effects of the drugs. He woke up the next day full of energy, and was eager to get out of the farmhouse. His cousins allowed him to help with some of the chores, but after supper he was going a bit stir crazy. Joe and Bill invited TL, Roxanne and me to team up with them for Trivia Night at the VFW Hall.

I had never been to a trivia event, and didn't know what to expect. There were 10 teams, including one anchored by Dick Lester and Buster Condon. To my surprise, our team was a strong contender. Bill and Joe nailed almost every morsel of sports minutia. TL was an unexpected savant on pop songs and rock and roll. Roxanne was our stalwart for current events and general knowledge. I was oblivious to most of those topics, but turned out to be a trivia velociraptor when it came to all things Tolkien, Star Wars and the Marvel Universe. We won a few of the preliminary rounds, and then eked out the overall win for the night, beating the second place team by over a hundred points.

Lester's team was number two, and he did not take it well. He said, "There's no way that Roxy Bimbo and her family of retards won without cheating!"

Roxanne replied, "You're right, Dick-less. We do have an unfair advantage over you and Busted Condom and your other dickhead friends."

"Oh, yeah? What's that?"

"It's called 'Knowing Stuff'."

"Fuck you, you stupid blond cunt!"

I started to get up and do something physical, but Tommy Lee put his hand on my shoulder and shook his head slightly.

Roxanne said, "Dick, you astonish me with your eloquence! After spending six years at college getting a four year degree, is that the best insult you can come up with -- a stupid blond cunt? You probably used half your vocabulary in that one sentence. If you had the wit god gave a turnip you could have done better than that. Let me help you out with a few approaches you could have tried."

"Subtlety: Do your parents have any children who lived?"

"Forestry: Somewhere out there, a tree is producing oxygen for you. You owe that tree an apology."

"Religion: You're the reason God created the middle finger."

"Art: I bet your mom doesn't put your coloring pages on the fridge."

"Statistics: Congratulations on being the top of the bell curve."

"Neuroanatomy: It appears that your brain cells are not holding hands right now."

"Genetics:If genius skips a generation, your children will be brilliant."

"Botany: If you were any dumber, someone would have to water you twice a week."

"Cooking: Your biscuit's not done in the middle."

"General crudity: The smartest thing that ever came out of your mouth was my dick."

"Texas crudity: You're so stupid you couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the directions were written on the heel."

"You could also do a better job of dissing my appearance. You could tell me that I have a face for radio, or that I look like a bag of mashed-up assholes.

You called me a cunt, but wasted yet another opportunity! You could have told me that mine is so big that it has its own zip code, or that I need Google maps to find my G-spot. Or that a man has to strap a board to his ass to keep from falling into it.

And speaking of my cunt, if I were your mom or any other female relative of yours, I'd staple mine shut, as a public service to the gene pool. I could call you a cunt, but you have neither the warmth nor the depth."