All Comments on 'Dalliance in Tarrytown'

"Had" is bad. It's a passive verb and signals passive writing. You used it in nearly every paragraph that I read. I stopped reading about 1/3 of the way into it. up to that point I didn't see an issue raised, a story question brought out or anything to indicate the presence of a "story". If your story had a beginning, it happened after I got bored and left it. A story doesn't start until an issue is raised. This should bring a question into the reader's mind. "Will Mary really drop her panties for John?" and, "Will it ruin her marriage?" This catches the reader's interest. The readers will keep reading until all of their questions are resolved at the end of the story. About 90% of what I read seemed irrelevant to the actual story. If it was relevant, it should have been included within the story as part of the action of the characters.

In other words, skip the bull and start your story right in the first paragraph. Then keep it active all the way through to the end. The story ends when the issue that you raised in the very beginning is resolved. When the story ends, add the very last period, and stop writing. Hope this helps you and maybe some other writers.

"A story is a series of events, arranged in a dramatic way that raises some issue and brings that issue to some fulfillment at the end."

Overall, I liked the story, but the last paragraph was not only unnecessary, it was detrimental. Without it, you would have left the reader on an upbeat. As it was, it ended on more of a downer.

Forget the previous poster's 'grammar lesson'; he doesn't know what he's talking about. "Had" does not indicate passive voice; it does modify a verb into the past pluperfect tense, which is what you meant to do. As for his inability to "find the story," that speaks more to that particular reader than to your writing, IMHO.

I, too, couldn't find the story, and I read the whole thing. The last paragraph is the least of your problems. You need to go to the effort to proof, edit, and spellcheck. It's full of spelling errors. There's even one place where you change from 1st to 3rd person in the same sentence. I did not 'troll' your story; just didn't vote. This critique is meant to be kind and helpful.

Constructively and aside from the spell check, I felt you reported clinically with detail to serve too many purposes encompassing much but without clarity or need for the story's sake.

I sense it is difficult for you to just loosen up and tell a story with your viewpoint of human feelings and emotions. Stilted and tense - put them aside and loosen up here in this fantasy world - it woint hurt! Dialog isn't easy is it. You don't need to impress us with who you are - tell us what you would do outside yourself without normal imposed constraint.

Have a litte fun and don't take this or your mission too seriously! Contemplate the positive intended.

If the point of the story is to convince us that fiction is better then the real thing, I'm almost convinced. But I'm just glad my life isn't like yours though.